I don't take switching churches lightly, and it is not for lack of support, but I'm contemplating asking my husband if I can attend another church for the sundays that he is not availible to help me. The church I'm thinking of would be able to minister to me. They have a full scale nursery and toddler room, I'd be able to drop both my children off to them and not have to keep F with me and juggle C while setting up parts of our children's ministry.
I have not been able to hear a sermon (though I sit in the service every week with the hope that I wont have to leave mid message) since I was pregnant for F, that was 5 months ago, and for that matter I didn't really get to sit in then either as I was attempting to launch a children's ministry that was just not budging.
Now the difficulty is that I am a leader in the ministry. I did tell my superior (is that what you call them?) that I would be dropping all of my duties minus lesson planning for the near future because my focus needs to be on my family, and due to PPD I'm stressing too much over too many things to keep up with Children's church and not make my family my priority. She seemed to take that alright, but now I'm facing the hard choice of dropping even that. In the first place I just don't feel equiped to be doing it right now, but I keep thinking that I shouldn't be giving up.. but I also have been feeling like I need to be first and foremost a good mom, and I'm too overtasked to be that. I'm an 'ok' mom, and that is all I'm able to be.
I want to start structuring my days so that I have specific things I can do with C to help him learn his colors and letters, and get him the headstart he needs since he is not attending a preschool. I know this is early but I'm not expecting anything from him, I'm just wanting to make learning fun, and introduce the concepts to him.
I feel like my life is a garden and the fruits and vegetables are my children, and my husband, and our home, and if I'm going to produce good things in my garden I have to get rid of some of the other items. Weeds to be sure, but probably some flowers and trees too... that is the hard part. The flowers and trees are good, but they are only flowers and fruitless trees, they are not producing anything for my children, my veggies and fruits... I sometimes feel like the lessons I'm planning for those other children (my son isn't in that class) are great for those children, but not good for my family, as they take away from my sleep and time spent with the kids and my husband, mostly my husband since I do them while the kids are sleeping.
So if I switched to this other church when P isn't around to help me I would be dropping the children's church lesson planning, I'd have to, but in return I'd be able to sit through a sermon and maybe even have the opportunity to open my bible and notebook (another thing I have not done since I had F). If I were to hear a sermon I might learn something from it, and if I learned something from it then I might be encouraged, and if I gain encouragement I might be able to apply it to my house hold.
I used to think that the only way I could serve God was by serving the church, and I LOVE to do that, but lately I'm starting to think the best way I can serve God is to raise up my children to be like him, and I can't do that if I'm struggling to get them to church early so I can set up different things, greeting people at the door instead of cuddling my babies before service, and putting them in bed so I can put a lesson together and dragging my feet in the morning when I could be teaching them a new song or feeding them something more healthy than cereal every morning.
I was looking for guidance in my bible, and I found a few verses that spoke to me in proverbs, I don't know if they are leading me toward asking P if I can drop children's lessons or attend another church, but they encouraged me that my thoughts about our family are at least headed the right direction.
Proverbs 14:1 The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.
Am I building my house or tearing it down bit by bit when I'm stressed out and over tasking myself?
The other verse that I found is Proverbs 12:11 Those who til their land will have plenty of food, but those who follow worthless pursuits have no sense.
What is feeding me? Is the pursuit of helping the church feeding me or not? I'm not quiet sure yet... but the thought, the verse is rather interesting.. what things in my life are worthless? Is it beneficial for me to do them? They may be doing good in one area, but are they worth while for my family? Will they provide food for my family?
Just some food for thought... I should be seeing a counselor tomorrow, but I'm not sure, my 1st appointment has been rescheduled 2x's and the first woman assigned to my 'case' is now dropping it and handing it over to another woman, but I didn't get a chance to call her back until she was out of the office, so I have to wait to hear back from her to know if the 'tenative' appointment block she said she had availible will be one I get to utilize. I am excited and scared... I've come within 10 minutes of this appointment twice and the second time I actually cried that it didn't happen so I'm nervous that it will be the same tomorrow and I don't want to hold out too much hope for it to actually happen.