Mommy and Me

Mommy and Me
Sharing life with you is fullfilling

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Buried and gone

P took our dog up to be buried in his sister's yard, and I have been crying so much and needing a little break, not just from the dog issue, but more from ALL the things going on lately, and before he left he threw some new thoughts at me.... I hate that sort of timing, but they were very valid thoughts...
P's getting out of the military, we are moving, and until yesterday our thoughts of moving were TOTALLY focused on going to Oklahoma, even though both of our families have been pressuring us to move closer to family.  We have friends in Oklahoma who are very much like family.  There are a lot of job opportunities in Oklahoma in the area that P has worked for the last 7 years, so it seems like the most logical choice when compared to the areas where our families live.
His family up in Merced, there is no need for an aircraft mechanic there, though his step dad is a doctor and could guarantee him a job working in his office (it probably wouldn't pay the bills that well though).  And his family and I are not totally on the same wave length, we often have VERY different ideas of the lifestyle we should live.  I accept them, and I think they accept me, but it would be hard for me to be there all the time, especially since when we are there I lose my husband to them.
My family lives in Michigan, they are spread out all over the place so we could really live anywhere in the state and not be too close, but be close enough to ask for help if we wanted it, however I'm not particularly proud of my extended family and have very few friends left in Michigan.  Let me clarify, my mom and dad are doing great and we maintain a great relationship, my sister and four brothers and I have good relationships though sort of distant, but my Sister-in-law left my brother and they are in the midst of a divorce, and their poor kids are being shuffled around.  My cousin and her husband are separated.  My best friend's sister who I grew up with is separated and seeking a divorce. The economy sucks, and no one has jobs, (though that is turning around and there are actually some opportunities for aircraft mechanics in Michigan).  The few friends I do have in Michigan are both christian, but I don't think either of them would be particularly great at encouraging great Godly relationships, for completely different reasons.  Women in Michigan tend to put their husbands down BADLY. And support systems are weak there.  I mean you have your family, but I've never experienced a friendly relationship with anyone who brought me up as a christian and encouraged me with biblical advice.  This all could be because my relationships were built in high school and most of them I was the sort of spiritual counselor.  And unfortunately I never was able to make good friends in the churches I attended.
I'm so lost, I mean P's up there burying our dog and we've realized that we do need help, I mean we've known that, but we have done fine without that sort of help so far.  but the kind of help I've grown accustomed to (great Godly and spiritual encouragement) are not available where the other kind of help we would like is available.  You know when you are having a really bad day and you just need a time out and you call your mom and drop the kids off and get a time out.  The downfall of having only the people your own age around is that they all have busy days, hard schedules and most of them work now days, even the ones with kids.  And those who don't work have kids and have their hands pretty full as well.  So P says he's going to pray about it.  He's got a lot to figure out in a very short amount of time cause we bought him tickets to go to Oklahoma and buy us a house on Jan. 9th.
Too much to think about... and I told him I really can't even think about house work (I'm just barely getting it done) cause my mind is too filled with grief, now we have a MUCH bigger thing to think about. 

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

December is a time to remember

She always made sure our blind dog (prissy) ate first

She sat before coming into the house
tolerated and LOVED our son C

Tristen, spring of 2011 I miss you girl!

The saddest thing I could ever imagine happened yesterday.  I don't even know how best to chronicle the events of this Christmas, it was both a great and horrible holiday for our family.
I should start by telling you about the one we lost.
Tristen, born the week of 4-14-07 (the day P and I were married) came to be with us as a member of our family at ten weeks old.  I already had an ache to have a baby, after such a short time being married.  I think my issue was the post wedding let down.  After spending months with that being my only focus I finally had gotten married and had nothing new to look forward to and fell into a sort of depression.  I should have been uber happy, but I wasn't.  We moved into a bigger house, and it hit even harder, I ended up quitting my job and Tristen got me through it.
I was walking out of the retail store I worked at one evening, on my way home and saw a truck with a sign posted on the side and a kennel full of terriors.  I have a small terrier chihuahua mix and had no interest in getting another little dog, but then I saw a note on the sign that said they had one lab/chow mix puppy for $20.  I asked if the puppy was still availible and the people explained that she wasn't actually their dog but their neighbors and that they didn't know much about her, but that she seemed friendly and was the only one left.  I asked to hold her and she was just this big ball of fluff.  A soft  long haired baby.  I called P and asked him if he wanted a sweet little puppy, and he reluctantly and excidedly agreed that I could write the check....
We have often said that it was the best $20 we ever spent.
Unfortunately it was friday night and that is the night we had bible study, so the poor baby had to spend her first evening at a new house alone.  We came home to a puppy covered in her own poo, we wondered if we had done the right thing bringing her home, and she cried all night when we tried to sleep that night.
The crying lasted a few days, we bought her a bigger kennel as we knew it wouldn't be long and she wouldn't fit in Prissy the chihuahua's kennel anymore.  Turned the tv on at night to keep her company, and locked her in the kitchen anytime we left the house so she had room to move and eat and drink.
She potty trained SO QUICKLY!  She learned that outside was where it all went but then also learned that wires were fun to chew on.  It took awhile to get her over that habit, we lost a lamp or two, and the cable for tv outside suffered major damage (good thing we didn't need it!).
One day as I was cooking some hamburger helper for dinner she came and sat next to me at the foot of the stove, and then unprompted 'begged' for food.  I was so amazed I started feeding her hamburger from the pan to get her to do it again, and by the time dinner was done she pretty much knew how to do the trick on command and I was able to show P when he got home from work.  That was the start of a long journey that ended all too soon.
When Tristen was nearly 2 we brought C home with us, I was a little worried about her reaction to him so I made sure that P carried him in a few minutes after I came in the door, it was cold and wintery so it wasn't as long as I had read it should have been but we couldn't leave C outside in the cold so I just made sure to greet my puppy before I let on that we brought someone else home.  When she saw that sweet squishy little baby she looked at him for a half second before sneaking a quick kiss on his cheek and running away.  I had nothing to worry about!  She was a perfect big sister to our sweet baby boy!
Before C was even conceived we brought a child to the house because knowing Tristen was a Chow and that they could become very teritorial we wanted to socialize her as much as possible.  The first time she saw a child was hilarious!  Abby was about 3 years old, she came to the back yard with me to see our new puppy and she was so excited to see her, until Tristen saw Abby.  Tristen hid behind my legs and wouldn't come out, Abby lost interest and became frightened herself.
Her experience with children was limited since we didn't have any in the beginning.  We took her to socialize with a friends dog when she was about 4 or 5 months old and Abby was there again.  Abby was a bit nervous so she stood against the wall on the far side of our friends living room and didn't move.  At first Tristen didn't notice her... she was checking out the other dogs (a dog that would become her best friend later).  then suddenly she noticed Abby... she turned fully toward Abby and stood stark still... then Abby bent her knee... bent her knee!  and Tristen took off running like she was terrified!
Eventually she lost her fear of children and did great with our friends daughter Abby. Tristen learned all sorts of tricks and the rules of the house.  She was the smartest dog I've ever met.  She could sit, lay, roll over, beg, stand, dance, and spin around on command.  We had so many other tricks we hoped to teach her, but along came children and the process slowed, P only just taught her to spin around last year.
I have so many memories of her I could go on forever. But for the sake of my point in this entry I'll skip along to the end of the story.
Monday I noticed that every time I patted Tristen's head she would yipe.  I wasn't sure what was going on, but then on Thursday I also noticed she would not put much weight on her left hind leg.  I thought perhaps that was why she had yiped when I touched her head, maybe I was throwing her off balance and it was hurting her leg to put the extra pressure on it.  I felt her all over, head, neck, leg, paw, checked her fur for burrs, and any indication that something was causing her pain and could find nothing.  I took her to the vet, one of them wanted $52 just for the office visit and couldn't tell me how much an x-ray would be if she needed one.  I decided to take her to Banfield (at Petsmart).  The beginning and the end.
They had told me they would be able to take her as a walk-in so long as I got there before noon.  I couldn't manage any earlier than 11:45am, and when I arrived they informed me that they couldn't take her.  I was frustrated and decided that she seemed ok that day (Tuesday) and took her home.  When we got home she jumped from the car like nothing was going on and I was relieved thinking that she might have sprained her leg and that it was fine now and we were ok.
The next few days were uneventful but then Christmas Eve (Friday) P let Tristen out to go potty and then noticed she was staring into the glass sliding door with her head cocked to the side and drool running down her face.  She never drools.  I had noticed over the last few days she stared through that door a lot, in a sort of weird way.  So when I looked over I didn't notice the drool at first and thought P was just telling me about her looking through the door which I agreed was odd. Then I noticed the drool and knew something terrible was wrong.
We assumed she had a stroke.  The vet after checking her out said it was more likely a brain tumor.  They recommended an MRI to find out and then possibly surgery... the MRI alone would have cost us $2500 and I had been concerned about the $52 office visit a few days before.  We decided that if it had been a stroke we would just pray that she got better and that it wouldn't happen again and she'd be ok... we took her home.  She was off balance her face still drooped on the right side and her right eye was now blind, but the vet said there was a chance all of her functions would return. I looked up the signs and symptoms on the internet and found out that it is super rare for dogs to have strokes, and that what she was experiencing was more likely 'old dog' syndrome, except that Tristen isn't old, she wasn't even 5 yet, or a brain tumor (like the vet said).  We were not willing to accept the brain tumor diagnosis, she was so young, and had so much life to live.
Sunday (christmas) we noticed that Tristen's balance was getting worse and she wasn't eating.  I gave her some eggs that evening and she took about 5 minutes to eat them but got them down and kept them down.  Monday morning I brought her kennel to the dinning room and tried to rig a bowl of water to be elevated but not spill if she bumped it.  I had read elevating food and water would make it easier for her to keep her balance and be able to eat without getting sick or nauseous.  She manged to drink a little and then spilled my spill proof bowl.  I tried cleaning it up and she got out of the kennel and stumbled around the living room and laid down behind P's new recliner.  I got her back in the Kennel and sat down to do some more research on what we could do to help her.  Then F started playing with the door of the kennel and the little darling let Tristen out again.  I gave F a graham cracker and sat her on her daddy's lap to eat it without getting into more trouble.  P was on the phone with his mother who was giving us all sorts of ideas as to how Tristen was probably kicked in the head (not even possible since I'm with her all the time and it never happened).  I was getting annoyed that it seemed P didn't want to talk to me about what was happening.  Then he snapped at me, then C, then me again and I couldn't handle it.  I left saying I was going to take care of the neighbor's dogs (they were out of town and I was feeding the dogs and letting them out for them).  As I was trying to let the neighbors dogs out and feed them my phone rang, I was busy and annoyed so I didn't answer my phone. It rang again, I answered and P says "she had a stroke!  She was kicking and she had a stroke."  I asked "do you mean a seizure?" he said yes and I bawled said I'd be home in a minute.  It was 10 am.
The vet prescribed blood tests, IV fluids, and steroids.  We agree'd but knew even then that we'd be saying good bye to her soon.  A few hours later they called with the results of the blood test.  She wasn't having clotting issues, so that ruled out the possibility of a blood clot in her brain.  her white cell count was high but it could be due to the stress her body was under, or possibly an infection, they gave her some antibiotics and said they'd keep her until 7pm and we could pick her up at that time along with a two week supply of antibiotics and steroids... there was a small chance Tristen had menengitis.  At 5pm Tristen had another seizure, the vet called and explained the situation to Patrick.  She wasn't doing well, the treatment should have prevented the second seizure, she didnt' have menengitis, if we wanted to continue to treat her the next option was the original MRI.  We went in to the vet and told them we were not going to put her through this anymore.  They gave her to us on a pet gurney so we could say goodbye.  She was sedated but still very much with us.  She was sleepy and as she started to close her eyes we (not knowing anything about how they put dogs down) thought perhaps she had already been given the shot and I freaked... I couldn't watch her die.. I watched my grandmother die when they pulled the tubes from her after suffering from staff infection, I couldn't do that again... I had prayed for a miracle that time, this time I just wanted my dog to stop hurting.  I left the room and wandered around petsmart looking for something I could remember my baby by.  I found nothing.
 P called his first class petty officer (a jerk) who told him he could NOT have time off to go and bury our baby.  I got so mad my heart was racing and I could hardly breathe I went and got his phone and called the idiot myself and begged, cried and pleaded that the man reconsider, but it was all said to a voicemail.  He called back but refused to talk to me.  Said I needed P to call him when he got a chance. I wandered some more and then decided to return to the room, at this point I knew that they had given her the shot and that she might be breathing her last when I went into the room.  As I opened the door it hit the shoes of the vet, and she sat up and said "she's gone" in a calm gentle voice, returning her stethoscope to her neck.  I petted my sweet girl one more time and told her how wonderful she had been to us, and how happy I was to have been part of her life.  I shocked myself, I knew she was dead, but I still petted her... P hugged her.  He said after we climbed into bed that night that as he had put her in the bag that would have to hold her until THURSDAY when he can drive her up to Merced to be buried, that he was still petting her, and even considered keeping a lock of her hair, but decided that eventually we would all have to move on and that he wouldn't do it.
We spent the evening crying and remembering our dog, all of the things we had done together, the things we hadn't done but said we would... and how she can never be replaced... she was the most extrodinary animal we've ever met, and you just can't replace an animal like that.
I miss you Tristen!

* Three of these photos (1,2,4) were taken by my dear friend Alison

Monday, December 19, 2011

I am ok.

I feel so peaceful today, and this week about certain parts of my life.. I just thought I would mention that!  Merry Christmas!

Monday, December 12, 2011

1 year anniversary/birthday

Dec. 9th 7pm:
I bathed F, as is part of the new prescribed bedtime routing given by the dermatologist, and got her dressed for bed, read her a story and laid her down.  I did not cry, and tried not to think about what the following day would mean.  I actually just put my baby down and covered her up, played with her hair like I always do and said her prayers for her, walked away and closed the door.
Dec 9th 10:30pm:
F woke up crying, it was a different sort of cry, I don't know how to describe it.  It was as if she had suddenly remembered something that made her sad and she just needed a little cry.  It wasn't like a nightmare cry, or a hunger cry, or even a 'I don't want to sleep' cry... it is amazing as a mom you can tell these things.
I went to her room and held her, and suddenly it dawned on me that at this time last year I was laying in a hospital bed and being forced to labor.  I was having my membranes stripped every hour, and how very soon it would be the moment I heard they would break my water, and how disrespected I would feel. 
I remembered that and thought 'I wonder if F knows that this is the anniversary of what was probably her first and most scarey moment'.  Probably not, but it also gave me a good chance to separate my experience during F's birth, and her actual birthday. 
I'm so grateful to God that she was born at 2:47am, and not pm. If the moment had been during a time that I'm normally awake I know I would count the minutes down to the time and think about it all day long.  But now I feel like dec. 9th will be the day that if i need to I can relate to my painful experience, and dec 10th can be the joy of my daughter and her arrival.
 I promised in my heart to let her have her day, and now that I have discovered I can mourn on one day (because honestly I still need that) and be joyful on the next, I feel much more capable of celebrating F's birthday.
I laid her back in her bed and brushed her hair with my fingers and left the room closing the door behind me.
P had rented Water for Elephants and we watched that until bedtime for us.  I felt like I still had so much to do but needed the break so MADE myself sit and watch the movie.  Although the ethics of the movie were questionable it was a good story, and I enjoyed it.
We went to bed and I started to think about it again... in fact laying on my left side I had such severe pain in my stomach that I couldn't avoid the thought of the scar and how it got there.  I turned to my back and the pain was almost completely gone... I have a somewhat irritable bowel and have been under a lot of stress causing gas so you can understand that it wasn't the memory that caused the pain, but I do occasionally still feel the pain of the cut.
After a little chat with P about the pain and what it was caused by (he believes I'm pregnant due to a planning problem, but we have time before we'd know the answer to that and honestly I'm not really thinking I am, we have too many planing problems lately!) we went to sleep. 
Dec 10th 5:30am: I woke up early, posted on facebook that I was proud to be the mama of a one year old, and then began to clean the rest of my house and prepare the snacks for F's party.
Everything turned out great, but for whatever reason most people didn't show up until at least an hour late!  I planned the party for the time period when F would be most willing to deal with it, she really doesn't handle stress well and has never attended a party like this, especially one with her at the center of attention.  So I didn't know if she would be ok, and didn't want her to cry through it.  She did great, but the party was scheduled for 2-4pm and actually happened from 3-5.  I do wish that so many people had not come so late, but I understand each of the reasons people had.
I got raving reviews on my cake, almost everyone liked it, and a chef who was in attendance even commented about how good the fondant was!  Yay for marshmallows!
F got some really neat books, and of all of them I've only read one before.  I'm super excited.  One of the books is called Mr. Seahorse, and I'm super thrilled about it.  I told one questioning parent that the only thing I could honestly say F was 'into' was her seahorse that she sleeps with, but that i doubted that there was any books with seahorses, and they managed to find one!  Some of the other books included the collection of 'if you give a mouse a cookie', three different bear baby bear type books, 'snoozers', and some picture books.  It was a successful party!
F thought everyone was nuts when they started singing happy birthday to her. And when we gave her the cake she wasn't hungry so she refused to try it, but was VERY interested in playing with it.  Of course F doesn't play and make a mess, she picks it up whole (since it had fondant it was pretty easy) and then picks at it with her finger and thumb pinching little pieces and moving them across the tray of her high chair.
Overall a great birthday!
Dec. 10th 7:00pm bathed and dressed for bed, I read her one of her new story books and cuddled my baby awhile before laying her in her bed calling her a big girl and playing with her hair while saying her prayers and closing the door. 
At the request of my dear husband I made some popcorn and he put on a movie that he really got for himself, as he knows I wont watch R-rated films.  I did sit in the livingroom awhile eating some popcorn but not watching the movie until something horrible happened.  The screen showed this baby floating gently in it's mother's womb, and suddenly a sword was thrust into the womb, it did not hit the baby but obviously hurt the mother.  We were in the center of a war scene, a woman dressed in armor carrying a sword of her own is fighting another, a man who had just given her a fatal wound.  She climbs to the top of a broken wagon and holds her stomach, she is helpless, and her husband sees her there and though fighting someone himself quickly defeats the man in front of him and rushes to his wife.  He brushes her hair back and tells her she will be ok, whether in words or looks I'm not sure as I couldn't focus my attention on anything but the action playing in front of me.  She tells him that she wishes to see her baby before she dies.  She takes a knife from her side and gives it to her husband and he looks as if he wont do it, but then because it is either her life or both her's and the babies, he cuts her open.  I stop watching and wrap my arms around my knees, P pauses the movie, we both know what is happening in my head, that woman just felt her body being cut open without anethesia, just like I did (except that hers was for different reasons and she had asked for it to be done to her, and she knew she would die.... blah blah... you know what I mean)  I was feeling the pain.  P had no way of knowing that the movie would have a scene like that, and I don't blame him, but for a moment I was mad at him for bringing something so heartless into my home and causing me pain.  I went to my room, he asked if I was ok and I did a shocking good job of saying I was fine.  He believed me.  I was in my room maybe 1 minute before I realized I had nothing to do, could hear everything from his movie and would likely spend the rest of the evening before drifting off to sleep thinking of that horrid scene and the pain I knew so well that the woman experienced while delivering her child. 
So I came back out to the livingroom and amused myself with a game of freecell on the computer and my e-mail until his movie was done.  I've never done such a good job not watching a movie!  And amazingly I did a great job not feeling pained by the memory of my daughter's birth. My therapist would be so proud!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Tis the Season

This month is packed tight with things to do!  I mean for all you december civilians you think you're tight on time, but you don't know what you are talking about!  If I ever get pregnant again, and it happens in March/April I'm seriously going to check myself into a looney bin!
I'm doing fabulously though!  You've got to be proud of a woman who can manage a Dermatology appointment, an hour in the pharmacy, and still go grocery shopping at the wholesale store in one day before naps for a 2 year old and an 11 month old! 
And if that doesn't impress you, then how about the very next day going to a WIC appointment, and grocery shopping and lunch before naps... and now that they are both in their beds I'm finally taking a moment to eat lunch, at 2pm... and yes I skipped breakfast this morning, well skipped isn't accurate, I forgot. 
I'm proud of me!  Now the rest of the day involves marshmallows powdered sugar and water, a visit from New Parent support program, and cleaning up after myself, oh and making dinner for my dear hubby. 
So it's a busy life, yeah, but what does this have to do with the month of December?  You know the answer to this, just think hard.... F is turning one on Dec 10th, PARTY!!!!!  C is turning 3 on Dec 21st (but that is on a wednesday so his party is Dec 17th), PARTY!!!! and then of course Jesus is turning.... ummmm it's his birthday on the 25th, PARTY!!!!!
So this is my to-do list... literally on my phone in to-do list fashion.
Buy C's Birthday present
Buy C's Christmas present (in both cases I know what I'm getting him just have not done it yet)
Book flights for P (in Jan he's going to find us a house in Oklahoma)
Buy Pizza for C's party (I'm getting pre-made ones from Sam's club)
Mop the floor
Wash the glass door
Buy stamps (for all the christmas cards I have yet to mail)
New parent support visit
Make marshamallow fondant
Dress fitting for flower girl dress #1 (a wedding in Jan.)
cut and sew dress #2
Bake F's cake
Decorate for F's party
Celebrate F's b-day
Dress Fitting for flower girl dress #2
1 and 3 year check ups at the Doctor's office
Make more Fondant
Bake C's cake
Decorate for C's party
Celebrate C's 3rd birthday
Gift wrapping Christmas movie watching extravanganza
C's actual birthday
And somewhere in the middle of that, or possibly after it all I will be attending the birth of a baby as a doula.  So since P's getting out of the military and F's turning 1, and C's turning 3, and Christmas is all going on all together, I'd say keeping my house fairly clean, getting all the shopping done and making it to all appointments on time is ROCKING IT!!!!!!
Wish me luck, I'm going to have to keep the pace for another 3 weeks, and then I told P that I want a new pair of jammies, a good book, a cup of hot chocolate and a DAY OFF!!!!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Couldn't sleep tonight

I couldn't fall asleep tonight, I don't know why but every night as I lay down lately I start thinking of cabbage patch dolls and whether there has ever been one named the same as F.  Her name is so unique that it just makes me wonder who else, or what else has her name.. and I'm kinda obsessed with getting her a cabbage patch doll some day.... so I got up after trying for 30 minutes to sleep.

And this search on the internet to discover how to name a cabbage patch doll after F made me realize two things, 1. I don't want her to have a doll by her own name, and 2. I still don't know the true meaning of C's name...
I feel guilty sometimes because I made this huge deal out of knowing what I'm speaking over my children when I name them.  C's first name has been unclear, I've seen it said that it means spirited, companion, warrior, fighter, and round... that is a lot of different ways to take a name!  And then his middle name because P loved it so much became E, which means Boar... what am I doing to my first born?  Is he a spirited boar?
GAH... so that of course made me want to look up once again the meaning of C's name.

And I found an awesome site, that backed up some information I'd already found on other names and explained things a little more clearly for me.  the website is
C's name according to that sight means round.  and his middle name doesn't just mean boar, it means 'brave like a boar'.  And all this time I was thinking it meant stubborn like a boar.
I'm once again proud of the name I gave him... I think it makes him both well 'round'ed and brave!
So now that that is cleared up I looked up F's name, just for fun.. I've known what her name means since WAY before she was named it.  and the meaning... Sapphire.  Which is Hebrew for Beautiful... and I have to agree she is beautiful.  But then there is her middle name, L.... and that one I've known from the beginning too, but why did I do that to her?  It means Lioness, or Lion, or female lion.. whatever you want to say.  So I have a round boar and a beautiful lion in my house!
And then because it is a passion of mine to look up names, and combinations of names, and just to know in general what names mean I looked up the name that would have been C's.  And one day God willing will be our second son's name.  M. O.  And it is a glorious name, and whenever we have another child I will pray that it is a boy, because of this name.  It gives me hope of restoration.
M means "who is like God?" and O means "lamb" or "yahweh is gracious"...
Wouldn't it be grand if after all the pain and anguish I went through to deliver F, my beautiful lioness, into this world God gave me another birth more like C's, that would remind me that he alone is able to create life and bring it into this world in a fantastic and natural way.. that he is the greatest doctor, that he created the woman's body to deliver babies through the natural path that he created, and not through a hole that was put on her stomach by a surgeon's knife.
God is gracious, and his timing is perfect!  And one day I will have my baby M, but just for the record, I'm not ready yet.  And neither is P.  We talked about it the other day and he was so funny, what he said made me laugh.  "Well as soon as we get back to Oklahoma and I get a job I know you are going to want a baby."  I was thinking "under normal circumstances I'd want a baby NOW... but these here are not normal circumstances and I don't know when I'll be pinning for a baby, but it certainly isn't now."
I'm so glad though that God is bringing me around all these hurtles and up to his gracious healing hands!  He truly is the only doctor worth taking my broken life to!  (this is not to say that Doctors are not wonderful and gifted, but that my God is a better healer than them all.)

btw.. just looked up my own middle name.. apparently we have two lions in the family! My first name means Listener of God, and my middle means 'lion, brave, hardy'
and P's name means nobleman, and his middle name W, means cart maker. So all together we are
Nobleman Cart maker, Listener of God Brave, Round Brave like a Boar, and Beautiful Lioness.... ahh what a family of doers!