Mommy and Me

Mommy and Me
Sharing life with you is fullfilling

Friday, August 4, 2017

6 months of nothing and everything

I've not been really vocal about anything lately, I'm sitting in disbelief that this is what my life looks like at 33 years old.

In Feb. of 2016 Patrick and I were expecting another baby and bought what was meant to be our forever home... you know I feel a bit like a kid in fostercare, or a puppy at the pound when I refer to my house as a forever home, but the truth is, I just want to settle in somewhere.

I'll be honest I didn't even hang all my pictures, always waiting for something, at first I was waiting to find the perfect entertainment center to put in the living room, Patrick was going to make it for me, and it was going to be awesome... but then a year after moving in, when we were in the middle of figuring out how to raise chickens and I was busting it trying to budget for a fence for the goats we would be bringing home in a month or less, BAM my world was shaken up.

Patrick walked in the house with this look on his face, I knew before he said it.  I've seen that look before, I've seen it a lot of times actually.  He'd lost his job.  This one lasted 2 years, but THANKS to the avionics world it was gone now.  The plan had been that if this happened again Patrick would find work locally and we'd stay here... but as soon as he was laid off the talk began... are we moving?  Well we sure as hell were not getting goats.

Now it's been 6 months.  We are preparing to celebrate our youngest child's 1st birthday... the unemployment ran out, and being a doula full time is like a distant dream, I don't know what happened there, but I felt God calling me to use my talents elsewhere, I'm still doulaing for those that hire me, but I'll be honest I have one client, and she may not be able to pay... (if you are reading this friend you know my heart and it is TOTALLY ok!  We'll work it out, and I'm here for you!).

Patrick had a phone interview with this really incredible looking company, I was excited, but guess what?  That didn't happen!

So what now?  I don't know. I've been walking around trusting God has been leading my steps, but the stress of the not knowing is really getting to me.  I can't handle it much longer.

Our options are vast, but honestly I don't like any of them.  Here in Oklahoma he could find work, but it wouldn't pay nearly what he was being paid.  OR we could move and he could do the work he's been doing that he hates, and we could be literally anywhere in the country.  OR He could get an entirely different job using this company that totally fixed his resume and got him the phone interview with the company that just refused him (for lack of experience) but again that would most likely mean that we have to move AGAIN... and we've told them we'd only like to either work here in Oklahoma (no job with them available currently) or near Battle Creek Michigan (near my family) and they have one other option in that area, so we will see what happens from here.

Oh and guess what?   He put in for a job in Ardmore, OK, so that means that if he were to get it he would be traveling every week to work and seeing us on the weekends.  Yup, that's the life I'm living right now, I am either faced with seeing my husband every day, all the time (which would be wonderful if he were present when he is here, but because he's been upset about his job track record we actually don't spend much time being a family unit), or I can see him only on the weekends.  But the good/bad news is, that job is only a temp job anyway, so it won't last.  YAY it won't last, MAN it won't last!

And I just want to say one more thing.  If you are just checking out the many jobs available and not really seriously looking for work, then using a job placement agency seems like a great thing, but if you really truly need work, and everyone is hiring through these companies, there are things you need to know.  1. They will only put you in for one job at a time, and if you are desperate for work, they don't care, because it is their reputation that is damaged if more than one company wants to hire you and they put you in for more than one job, because ultimately they won't be able to place you with two or more companies.  2. They don't like it if you work with more than one agency and you risk making them mad (which means they make you either a last priority or not a priority at all) if you let them know you are working with another company to find work.  3. If you are living on unemployment and it is running out and you don't have a job yet because it takes one to two weeks to find out if you got one job, you probably are not going to get hired quickly, so don't hedge your bets and wait any longer than you have to, cause it is rough, and they don't care about you, they care about money.  It may be their job to get you a job, but they don't have to do it quickly, they have to impress the companies they put you in to work for, and sorry, you are just another of the many people they are finding employment for.

I'm sorry for using this blog to rant about the life I live.  I've been praying, praying so hard for all the things that are going on here, but in the end, I know it is all in God's timing.  And HIS plan.... which ultimately looks nothing like mine, and will be good, but in the waiting, I'm hating it.

Please join me in prayer for my family, and the life we are facing right now.  I'm losing my stuffing... I've lost my compass, I've lost my direction, I can't see my hand in front of my face, but I keep walking, and I'm trusting that God has this under control and is about to bless my socks off.


Friday, January 20, 2017

Dealing with the Interruptions of Life.

If you are familiar with this blog you will know that I'm the mother of four children.  If you are familiar with me, you will know that I home school two of them, and the other two make it their life goal to keep me from doing anything... home school, cleaning, sleeping, relaxing, working, writing, you name it... and I probably can't do it, at least not often, or well.
Lately it has been on my heart to write.  I want to write, I need to write, I actually feel commanded by God in heaven to write.  And call me crazy, but I don't think we have much time left in the world, so I need to get my bottom in gear and listen to that direction and be obedient to it.
Yesterday after feeling convicted to begin again, a book that I've worked on for the past nine years I sent the kids outside and sat down to write, it was the perfect opportunity, The big kids were finished with their school work, the baby was sleeping, the toddler (who can barely be called a toddler anymore) was also content to play outside.  The dog however wasn't so content.  The dog wanted out, I let him out, the children put him back in, the dog wanted out, the dog demanded to be let out, loudly and with jumping (the dog is a tall lab mix, and acts like a Jack Russel terrier), there was no ignoring him.  I let the dog out, the kids put the dog in, this cycle continued quite a few times,
Then the children climbed trees.  I am totally ok with tree climbing children, but I have two rules, 1. you have to get up by yourself, no help from anyone (this assures that they are capable of getting down without help the majority of the time).  2. You have to get down by yourself. (this lets them know that while mommy loves them deeply she doesn't want to help them get out of trees all the time, so please don't make mommy chase you around the yard getting you out of tress).
Of course Caeden (8) helped Fia (6) to get very high in a tree, and then they sent Micah (3) to get me and 'take a picture'.  I dutifully took a picture and returned to my writing, but then Micah came back to inform me that Fia couldn't get out of the tree.  So they went to another tree after I helped her down, and supposedly this one she could navigate on her own.
Back to writing, or rather reviewing what I wrote nearly a year ago to see what needed to be written now.  Then my dad called.  I answered because he's my dad, and because last Monday he nearly died, so talking to him when he calls is important, because you just never know.  He spoke to me about a bunch of things, but among them, while I stared at a computer screen I had added exactly zero words to, was that our lives are short in the grand scheme of things and we need to be sure that we are about the father's business, and furthering the kingdom of God.....
Yup, I sat there, distracted from the work of God by all the forces of the nature of my life, my children, my dog, the dishes and laundry that I had put off doing in order to 'be about the father's business' and the very conversation I was having with my dad, and I couldn't be about his business.
I was a bit annoyed, and didn't know how to explain exactly that; I needed to be about the business God had laid on my heart for that perfect afternoon.
I never did write a single word that day.
Today, I woke up and had no intention of even trying to write, but something significant happened.
A friend on Facebook posted an article about living under an unqualified president.  I'm sure the article was worth reading but lets face it, I don't have time for that sort of negativity, or really the desire to read yet another disgruntled opinion about the president whose inauguration is today.  It is what it is, the president of the last eight years wasn't all that qualified either.
But that post made me think of something else I had heard.  A man whose name I forget (blame mommy brain) and don't feel like looking up right now (blame the fact that it is 9:30 am and I'm in my pj's, have yet to eat breakfast and still have to educate my children for day), prophesied that Trump would become president of the United States.  And he did.  He also predicted who would win the triple crown, and that happened too.  Which alone is actually just kind of a cool thing... but here is the kicker, he also said that after Trump won the election the 'Trumpet would sound'.  God would return to fetch us up to heaven, those who believe.
I don't know if it is true, I don't know if it isn't, I'm not even going to speculate on that... but what I do want to share with you, the three of you who will actually read these words, is that if it is true, I want to be ready, but I'm not.
Lately I've been thinking about having another baby, yeah I'm announcing that to the world before I have even admitted it to my husband... but I have his name picked out and everything, and I just know our family isn't complete yet, because Ezekiel isn't a part of it....
I think about Patrick and I growing old together.  I think about getting old and dying, I think that is the dream... I want to be rewarded with the right to die at an old age... I'm not going to explain, you'll either understand or you won't.  Here is one you'll surely understand, I want to see my children married, I want to see my grand children.  I want to see my 3 year old come to a real understanding of Jesus, and possibly also learn to pick up his own toys.  I want to see my cuddly baby learn to walk, and talk, and say things, and  all the fun stuff that comes with her learning and growing.  I want to do and experience so much, how can I be excited for God to come back and stop all of that, so that I can go to heaven and no longer be married and raising children in the sense that I currently am..
The thoughts were swirling around in my head faster than I could pray about them, and I was very actively praying about them... and then my Micah came into my bedroom saying he was going to puke, and I went to care for him, and Caeden brought me my phone saying it was ringing, and life began to really happen..., no longer just the thought of it, but the actuality of it.
Who called?  My dad.. again.  So I quickly settled Micah in bed and called Dad back.  He said "I have a word for you"  and in my heart I knew he did, and my pulse jumped, and I thought "Yes, God, I need a word, let it be true."  Dad continued,
"Fear is just Faith in the wrong direction"
Dad continued to talk about other things, that would pertain to that message if it were about an actual worldly fear, but it wasn't, it was an other worldly lack of understanding, so what he was saying didn't apply but that first word shot straight to my heart.  I don't question the existence of my Lord and Savior, but if I ever did, that moment proved it over again, he had spoken to my heart.  I actually shed a few tears telling my dad about what I'd been thinking about, and praying about only moments before he had called.  It was very timely.
God's word is always on time!
I have nothing to fear about when God does choose to come back, because he knows the desires of my heart, he knows I want to continue on in this world, and whether that happens or not, whether I die of old age, or get swooped up into the clouds today, God is always and forever will be on time.