Mommy and Me

Mommy and Me
Sharing life with you is fullfilling

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Not Pregnant

* I just found this unpublished, I'm not sure why it wasn't published but I feel it should be so even though it is out of order, it is worth a read I think.

I must note that it is Jan 2013, even though it will be time stamped on the post... the reason for this is going to be clear in a minute.

Jan 5th 2012 I found out that I was pregnant for Jaemi.  Jan 26th 2012 I lost Jaemi.  Had I been able to keep my sweet lost baby I would have delivered in September 2012. 

Both F and C were born in the same month, and it seemed to me that it would be cool to have another baby born in September.  P and I have been trying to get pregnant for a two months now, and while I didn't expect it to only take two months, I was actually really hoping that this month would be the month. 

This morning when Aunt Flow graced me with her arrival I wasn't all that thrilled, but to be honest I've been expecting her since yesterday at 5:30am when I noticed a significant drop in my basal body temperature (this for anyone who doesn't know is a really good way to plan your family naturally! Check it out on  So when I woke to my alarm today and had another significant drop in temperature it was obvious that she was going to be paying me a visit and I couldn't even dare to hope that the dip in my temperature from the day before could have been implantation of a new baby which occasionally happens....

I took care of C and got in the shower.  Just before getting in, I laid down with P for a minute, he asked how I was, I said "not pregnant" he said "I'm sorry" and it sounded like he meant it, which is pretty nice since he really doesn't care if we have more kids or not, but since he doesn't care he is willing to try with me.  He seems to be warming up to the idea a little more every day.

Once I was showering I cupped my hands in the water and let it slide through my fingers a little, just enough that I could still keep some of it in my hands, and watched it flow to the floor, it struck me that life was like that when I lost Jaemi, I kept my self protected, and comfortable, tried to do all I could to keep my baby inside, to help Jaemi grow and develop, but I couldn't stop him/her from sliding out of my womb and disappearing to heaven. 

I know people don't get it.  Some people look at me when I tell them about Jaemi, with sympathy in their eyes and say "you don't know if it really was a baby, it was too soon for a heart beat." These people mean well, but there is not even a flicker of doubt in my mind that Jaemi was a real baby, heart beat or not, if not then how come I feel so much grief about the loss?  No there is not even a chance that when sperm met egg and combined their was no baby involved... there was a baby, a perfect baby involved, and now that baby, my Jaemi, is waiting in heaven for me.

As I was saying, in the shower I realized that my feelings about not being pregnant are two fold, on the one hand I didn't think I was this month anyway so no big deal.  On the other hand, this fictional baby would have been due the same month as my Jaemi... They would have had something in common, like F and C do.  I could have a silent birthday party for my Jaemi every time I lit a candle for this baby that isn't.... I could have carried Jaemi's memory further.  I could have used a new baby to bring joy into a sad area of my life.  That seems a lot to put onto a child I know... but it was significant in my mind.  To bring joy from sadness, isn't that what the bible says? 

As I let the water drip from my hands I asked God once more, a question I have not ventured to ask in months.  Why?  What did God need with Jaemi, and why would he use me to create this child and then take it away?  He made Adam out of dirt, if he needed another child in heaven couldn't he have made one without me?  I know the plans of God are nothing to do with me, that I'm no where near the center of the plans of God, but I'm the only one who can feel what I feel... so I ask again, WHY God? 

I know I'll never have the answer, and honestly I'm ok with that.  I just needed a little bit of mourning this morning. I so wanted to have my September baby. 

As I cried about this with P after my shower I asked him how he felt about this.  I honestly don't expect anyone who has never carried a child in their womb or experienced the loss of a child to understand why I feel so deeply for a child who some people don't even believe existed.  But his response was soothing to my soul. 

P told me he felt badly that he didn't stand up for me.  When I had been told that they wanted to break my water with F and I said I didn't want it, cried about it, and then asked P what I should do his response had been that he was tired, and why not get the show on the road and we could all go home.  And then after breaking my water F's cord prolapsed and I was rushed to surgery... P has held onto some guilt from this for a long time.  I do not blame him, hospital chairs are horrible, and the tv was too high on the wall to really be comfortable watching it, and my labor was rather uneventful, he was bored, uncomfortable and ready to sleep in his own bed.  I can say 100% I do not blame him.  But he feels guilty, like if he had heard my heart better, put aside his own feelings of discomfort and stood up for me in that moment he could have rescued me from surgery.

He then said he felt guilty all over again when we lost Jaemi, because he (and I for that mater) didn't know that we had options other than surgery at that moment, and it was on the operating table that my body did it's job and cleared a pregnancy from my fallopian tubes without the help of the surgeon... but at this same moment my uterus went crazy and was hemorrhaging and they performed a d&c, something that we had specifically asked NOT to have done.... I don't blame either the doctor or P for this, but he carries guilt that twice in his care I've had surgery that might have been unnecessary.  He feels like he let me down, and my body doesn't (and he is right in this part) function the way it used to, and he has felt that it might be harder for me to get pregnant again because of these surgeries (don't know I guess we will have to see) and that I'm at higher risk for another c-section, something I NEVER wanted done in the first place... and all the blame, in his head, is on him. 

As I mentioned before, I don't blame him, and some of what he is blaming on himself is irrational, but I'm so glad to have a man who feels something concerning the loss.  If I were alone in this feeling, this overwhelming desire to connect with my child, one I will only meet after death, I don't know that I'd be able to keep the crazy at bay.  I'm so incredibly thankful for a man who feels, who wants to protect me, and who wants to stand up for  me and the things that I know and feel are right for my body.

Am I sad I'm not pregnant this month.. no not really... Do I miss Jaemi all over again?  YES absolutely.  And it is hard to draw the line between the two...

Getting a little more!

 5 weeks ago we discovered our family was about to be blessed again, sometime around October 26th actually!  It has taken me awhile to come and write about it because to be honest I'm not sure how I feel about blogging anymore.  I used to really really want to blog about my life and tell the world about our adventures, then life turned and I started this blog to find healing from some of those turns, but now I don't need to tell the world, nor do I need to find healing, so I come here very rarely. 
I'd say sorry but honestly I don't know if anyone reads this any way, and if you do, I'm sure you feel sometimes like I do and like the real world is waiting for you to come back and enjoy it again.... or maybe you don't and it is just me?

Anyway, things are going to be really different this time.  In the first place THINGS HAVE REALLY CHANGED since losing Jaemi, or having Fia (yeah I'm going to be real now, I don't have any reason to hide my kids names anymore.)  Having Fia devastated me because it was shocking how wrong things could go, losing Jaemi brought about a lot of peace and also sadness.  Peace because I finally saw my surgery in a different light, and sadness because even an unexpected pregnancy would have brought a life we treasured into our home, and before that life was fully realized it was also gone. 
Losing Jaemi happened in Jan. 2012, then we moved across the country, from sunny California to Mid-Michigan where we lived with my mom and dad and a few of my siblings for 6 months.  Patrick the kids and I shared one room, I don't miss that at all.  It was challenging to live in the home of another woman again, nothing was mine, I didn't feel as if I could take ownership over anything but my bedroom, and I felt guilty all the time for not being able to follow my mom's schedule and keep my kids in line the way I like to. 
In June I lost my very dearest friend Prissy, an amazing dog!  Prissy was born on Father's day (which I'm pretty sure was June 19th) 1997.  And she lived almost to her 15th birthday.  I don't know if I told her story here, but maybe if I have not I will some other time.
When Prissy was literally dying in her kennel I took  myself out for a walk in the corn field and just cried out to God.  "Why are you taking so many things from me?" The answer was a soft whisper straight to my heart, one I honestly didn't know if I could believe after so many losses (My dog Tristen, Jaemi, Patrick's Job, our home, a part of the freedom we had known in living on our own), but that whisper came, I know it did, "this is the last one".  I know there will be other losses in life, I know eventually my parents or Patrick's parents may die, I know we will probably lose another dog one day, there will be losses, but what God was speaking to my heart then was that I was about to be on the receiving end instead of the giving end of life for awhile.  My heart felt much lighter after that.
The same day that I found out Prissy was dying (we had left her with my parents while we took a little trip for the weekend) Patrick got a job offer.  Not a great paying offer, but an offer none the less...  he took it, he really didn't have much else to take at that point.
He began factory work.  We began looking for a place to live.  Some place we could buy with cash.  We found the perfect little place, in Lansing, just down the road from the Potter Park Zoo, and a few blocks from the hospital, I started dreaming.  In retrospect it wasn't perfect, but I liked it a lot, and was excited to see that all the rooms were painted in shades I liked and probably wouldn't change at all.  And it was SUPER CUTE. 
As we were waiting (5weeks) to hear whether the bank accepted our offer or not we got an e-mail from a company that basically informed us that a job in Patrick's own field was available if he was interested in upper Michigan.  Naturally I freaked out.  If you are not familiar Upper Michigan is very under populated, and often the 'cities' there don't have more than a grocery store. 
We visited the city where the job offer was, to see if we could manage living there.  It was better than I expected and Patrick quickly interviewed with the company.  After going back to my parents house we decided that perhaps it was the right move for us, and we began packing things up and contacted the realtor about canceling our offer... we didn't want to, but had no other choice the house and the new job were 3 hours away from each other.
We stayed nearly a week in a hotel while Patrick started his new job, found a place to live with decent rent and four bedrooms, perfect for temporary living, and VERY comfortable.  The landlords let me paint some of the rooms, with the agreement that any rooms I painted in neutral colors could be left that way when we decided to move out.
During the time of the move one of my best friends got married, I was her maid of honor, and so very happy to be able to participate... had I been pregnant with Jaemi I most likely wouldn't have been able to attend as my due date was so close to her wedding date.. it is a bittersweet thought.
We settled into our new small town existence, found a church that cared so much for us that we decided to stay, though their views are different in some areas from ours and all the churches around here are geared toward the senior aged community.... it has been a VERY difficult adjustment.
In December I traveled with the kids to Maryland to visit a friend and accompany on the birth of her third child, it was exciting!  After Christmas we all headed home (Patrick was able to come for Christmas and the weekend just before it).
Back at home we decided to start trying for another baby.  I don't ever know whether to call it baby 3, or baby D.... because technically we have three children already, but no one recognizes Jaemi as a part of our family because most people here don't even know about the story of Jaemi, and even if they did they just think "oh look at their 'two' children, and now they are expecting number 3". 
So baby D is how I refer to our baby for now.  And Baby D has some exciting stuff coming along with it.  The biggest excitement in my life right now is that we are planning a home birth!  I found a midwife who lives 3 hours from my home (I know that is far right!) and she will travel to me at the end of my pregnancy and obviously for the birth, and has an office that is an hour and 20 minutes from here that she can meet me in until 36 weeks.  She seems really put together, and I'm so excited about this birth.  The only problems I anticipate are that 1. I am a VBAC and that puts me at a higher risk, but we have precautions for that, and 2. she lives a long ways away, I don't want to call her too soon and have her spend days out here, but I also don't want to call her too late and not make it in time for the arrival of the baby.  Otherwise I'm TOTALLY at peace about this baby and it's arrival.
For the record, I really miss Target, but living out here in the sticks hasn't been all bad.  I've been able to sort of build a good community of friends and Patrick and I are trying to kick start a new ministry to reach the unreached generations here.