5 weeks ago we discovered our family was about to be blessed again, sometime around October 26th actually! It has taken me awhile to come and write about it because to be honest I'm not sure how I feel about blogging anymore. I used to really really want to blog about my life and tell the world about our adventures, then life turned and I started this blog to find healing from some of those turns, but now I don't need to tell the world, nor do I need to find healing, so I come here very rarely.
I'd say sorry but honestly I don't know if anyone reads this any way, and if you do, I'm sure you feel sometimes like I do and like the real world is waiting for you to come back and enjoy it again.... or maybe you don't and it is just me?
Anyway, things are going to be really different this time. In the first place THINGS HAVE REALLY CHANGED since losing Jaemi, or having Fia (yeah I'm going to be real now, I don't have any reason to hide my kids names anymore.) Having Fia devastated me because it was shocking how wrong things could go, losing Jaemi brought about a lot of peace and also sadness. Peace because I finally saw my surgery in a different light, and sadness because even an unexpected pregnancy would have brought a life we treasured into our home, and before that life was fully realized it was also gone.
Losing Jaemi happened in Jan. 2012, then we moved across the country, from sunny California to Mid-Michigan where we lived with my mom and dad and a few of my siblings for 6 months. Patrick the kids and I shared one room, I don't miss that at all. It was challenging to live in the home of another woman again, nothing was mine, I didn't feel as if I could take ownership over anything but my bedroom, and I felt guilty all the time for not being able to follow my mom's schedule and keep my kids in line the way I like to.
In June I lost my very dearest friend Prissy, an amazing dog! Prissy was born on Father's day (which I'm pretty sure was June 19th) 1997. And she lived almost to her 15th birthday. I don't know if I told her story here, but maybe if I have not I will some other time.
When Prissy was literally dying in her kennel I took myself out for a walk in the corn field and just cried out to God. "Why are you taking so many things from me?" The answer was a soft whisper straight to my heart, one I honestly didn't know if I could believe after so many losses (My dog Tristen, Jaemi, Patrick's Job, our home, a part of the freedom we had known in living on our own), but that whisper came, I know it did, "this is the last one". I know there will be other losses in life, I know eventually my parents or Patrick's parents may die, I know we will probably lose another dog one day, there will be losses, but what God was speaking to my heart then was that I was about to be on the receiving end instead of the giving end of life for awhile. My heart felt much lighter after that.
The same day that I found out Prissy was dying (we had left her with my parents while we took a little trip for the weekend) Patrick got a job offer. Not a great paying offer, but an offer none the less... he took it, he really didn't have much else to take at that point.
He began factory work. We began looking for a place to live. Some place we could buy with cash. We found the perfect little place, in Lansing, just down the road from the Potter Park Zoo, and a few blocks from the hospital, I started dreaming. In retrospect it wasn't perfect, but I liked it a lot, and was excited to see that all the rooms were painted in shades I liked and probably wouldn't change at all. And it was SUPER CUTE.
As we were waiting (5weeks) to hear whether the bank accepted our offer or not we got an e-mail from a company that basically informed us that a job in Patrick's own field was available if he was interested in upper Michigan. Naturally I freaked out. If you are not familiar Upper Michigan is very under populated, and often the 'cities' there don't have more than a grocery store.
We visited the city where the job offer was, to see if we could manage living there. It was better than I expected and Patrick quickly interviewed with the company. After going back to my parents house we decided that perhaps it was the right move for us, and we began packing things up and contacted the realtor about canceling our offer... we didn't want to, but had no other choice the house and the new job were 3 hours away from each other.
We stayed nearly a week in a hotel while Patrick started his new job, found a place to live with decent rent and four bedrooms, perfect for temporary living, and VERY comfortable. The landlords let me paint some of the rooms, with the agreement that any rooms I painted in neutral colors could be left that way when we decided to move out.
During the time of the move one of my best friends got married, I was her maid of honor, and so very happy to be able to participate... had I been pregnant with Jaemi I most likely wouldn't have been able to attend as my due date was so close to her wedding date.. it is a bittersweet thought.
We settled into our new small town existence, found a church that cared so much for us that we decided to stay, though their views are different in some areas from ours and all the churches around here are geared toward the senior aged community.... it has been a VERY difficult adjustment.
In December I traveled with the kids to Maryland to visit a friend and accompany on the birth of her third child, it was exciting! After Christmas we all headed home (Patrick was able to come for Christmas and the weekend just before it).
Back at home we decided to start trying for another baby. I don't ever know whether to call it baby 3, or baby D.... because technically we have three children already, but no one recognizes Jaemi as a part of our family because most people here don't even know about the story of Jaemi, and even if they did they just think "oh look at their 'two' children, and now they are expecting number 3".
So baby D is how I refer to our baby for now. And Baby D has some exciting stuff coming along with it. The biggest excitement in my life right now is that we are planning a home birth! I found a midwife who lives 3 hours from my home (I know that is far right!) and she will travel to me at the end of my pregnancy and obviously for the birth, and has an office that is an hour and 20 minutes from here that she can meet me in until 36 weeks. She seems really put together, and I'm so excited about this birth. The only problems I anticipate are that 1. I am a VBAC and that puts me at a higher risk, but we have precautions for that, and 2. she lives a long ways away, I don't want to call her too soon and have her spend days out here, but I also don't want to call her too late and not make it in time for the arrival of the baby. Otherwise I'm TOTALLY at peace about this baby and it's arrival.
For the record, I really miss Target, but living out here in the sticks hasn't been all bad. I've been able to sort of build a good community of friends and Patrick and I are trying to kick start a new ministry to reach the unreached generations here.