Mommy and Me

Mommy and Me
Sharing life with you is fullfilling

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

You've popped

Some of the things we say in pregnancy are just funny to me.  When waiting for our bellies to finally show that we are pregnant we say "I can't wait for my belly to pop!"  and when it finally does show someone will say "Wow, you've really popped!"  And Later still when our bellies are hugely uncomfortable and we are ready to meet our little bundle of joy we comment about how we feel as if we will pop, explode, or rip open if our skin tries to stretch any more.  Some how it just seems backward to me.  We want to pop, we say we did, and then later we feel like we will.
I personally have started to 'show' my pregnancy, and for the first time discovered some very comfortable and cute ways to dress during my pregnancy.  I'm actually loving my limited clothing selection for the first time.  I bought a couple of summer dresses that I will be able to wear in or out of pregnancy, and pulled out some leggings I bought awhile ago and I'm wearing some of those short dresses that I can still fit with leggings under them.  I also for the first time get to wear shorts while pregnant.  I mean I've worn shorts before, but either didn't need my cute maternity ones or just plain didn't need them due to the weather.  This year, being that it is July and I'm half way through pregnancy I have needed a lot more of my summer clothing, and a lot less of the winter wear I had for both of my December born little ones.  I don't know if anyone else would call my clothing cute or not, but I'm certainly enjoying my options more this time.

Man it is hot right now.  I hope this heat lets up a bit in the next few days, it really is miserable.  The air conditioner is on, but unless I leave all the bedroom doors open with the fans on it is incredibly warm upstairs and comfortable downstairs, and cold in the basement... I think it is just the nature of the basement though because we have the vents closed down there, I've even gotten into the habit of leaving the basement door open all day to hopefully cycle some of the air.
The heat though leads me to an interesting yet horrible story from yesterday. 
I woke up much like any other day, had a good breakfast with a small glass of orange juice and asked my husband if he was ready to go on the walk he promised me the day before, he said no.... so I decided he could keep the kids at home and I'd go alone and get a much needed little mommy break.
We have a wonderful wide path that leads through the woods and down to the river, the walk there and back takes maybe 30 minutes.  I intended to do that and return home.  About halfway to the river I realized that I'd left my water at home, fearing that if I went home I may not get my walk at all I decided to just continue walking and be sure to get a good drink when I returned.   Once I reached the river there were a lot of people docking their canoes and tubes to get out of them and stretch their legs, I didn't feel like going down there by myself but really needed to cool off a little so I decided to adventure along the edge of the river down a path that I hoped would lead to another little beach pull off that I'd only just recently heard of.  Down the path just far enough that I didn't want to turn around the over growth on the path became really bad and I wondered if I kept going if I'd just end up losing the path anyway, then I spotted what might have been poison ivy and decided that walking through tall overgrowth in shorts was a bad idea so I turned off the path headed away from the river knowing that there was another much larger path that followed the back of my neighborhood, in that direction and hoping I would meet up with it and then continue my walk from there. 
Shortly after turning off the path I began to feel signs of dehydration, followed closely with extreme annoyance at the mosquitoes which seemed to think the humidity of the day and the short bursts of sprinkles the clouds above me were giving off were good reason to feast on my flesh.  Then their were the stupid fruit flies or cousins of them, that were swarming around my head and flying directly into my eyes, needless to say this walk was turning miserable very quickly.
I tried my best to keep a good attitude and just pray.  I prayed I'd find the path soon, that I'd feel a second wind soon, that the rain would either come or completely disappear, that the mosquitoes would leave me alone, and I prayed that I could maintain a good attitude, the last prayer was the only one that happened very quickly at all.  I amazingly kept a pretty good attitude, interrupted by a few circumstances and then quickly recovered.
Unfortunately unlike my attitude what I couldn't recover was my hydration.  I started to feel as if I was going to faint and sat down, got bit by a cloud of mosquitoes and moved on, then feeling even more faintish I had to stop and had no choice but to lay down in the dirty leaves and bugs.  Amazingly this close to the ground the bugs seemed not to be so interested in me, so for that I'm thankful.  A little while later I decided to slowly rise and get myself out of the woods, as laying there wasn't really getting me anywhere and I had no idea where I was.  All I knew for sure was that my house was north, the river was south, and the path that I originally came in on was west, but much too far away to try to venture toward it, so I opted to go toward what would either spit me out on the path I had been looking for, or my neighborhood, North.
I tripped and hurt my wrist, thankfully not bad and it was completely recovered after probably 10 minutes.  I swatted more of the stupid bugs, encountered a lot more poison ivy looking plants and walked on logs that were much too rotted to support me resulting in a few not so dangerous falls.  I laid down a total of three times, each time thinking when I finally found my neighborhood I was probably going to look like a cave woman, or a monster emerging from the woods. 
I had my cell phone on me but knew it would do me no good to call anyone until I figured out where I was, so I did try my husband a few times but when he didn't answer I didn't worry about it.  My dehydration lead to puking, which let me know that I was in serious need of getting out of the woods pretty soon.  While laying on the ground shortly after puking I felt the baby moving in my belly and thought what a good thing that was, since likely the baby had no idea how bad of shape I was in.
Not so long after the puking I finally met up with that stupid path I'd been looking for.  By this time I really had no idea which way I should head on it but chose a direction and called my husband again.  He answered this time and quickly realized that I needed help (thank goodness he wasn't laughing at me.. the girl who grew up outside and playing in the woods, and should know better than this.) I told him to pack the kids in the car and I'd call him back as soon as I knew where I was and I needed him to come pick me up.  I found houses shortly after that and he called to see what direction he should head in since I hadn't found a road yet, and I told him to head East as I'd wandered quite a ways past our house.  It didn't take long from that point to find the road, and once I did Patrick was there in a mater of seconds to pick me up.  Had I managed to go much further east (hadn't intended to be going east at all) I wouldn't have been in my neighborhood at all.  I was at one of the last streets in my neighborhood before a whole lot more woods separates our neighborhood from town. 
After getting home I soaked in a bath for about 30 minutes and drank a glass of water, ate a light lunch and took a nap. I'm glad to say that I'm ok, and am not worried one bit about the wiggly little baby inside me since it seems to be moving just as much or more than before my woodland adventure.
So what did I learn?  Stay out of the woods, stay on the path, take water with you, and don't go alone in the heat!  Pregnancy is not a time to adventure off by yourself.  One other wonderful thing to note is that while I was a little worried that the dehydration could lead to early labor, I didn't have even a single Braxton hicks contraction.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Poor vision

A few months ago I took Fia to the eye doctor, it seems that her eyes have gotten worse since infancy rather than better and it was just time to get that sorted out.  Come to find out she actually had severely farsighted eyes with astigmatism in one of them.  The astigmatism really didn't come as a surprise, I myself have them, and it runs in my family for generations.  The severely farsighted diagnosis was however shocking to me. 
  I had noticed that one eye would turn in while she ate or concentrated on something hard, but figured she had a lazy eye, not one that was working WAY too hard to do small tasks.  It was also shocking that this beautiful little girl who has always had early small motor skills was having trouble with her up-close vision.  If anything I would have assumed perhaps she was near-sighted. Boy was I wrong. 
She has a corrective pair of glasses now that are adorable!  They are also twice as strong as the strongest pair of over the counter reading glasses you can buy.  Wow my poor girl has lived nearly two and a half years unable to see things clearly and did so well at hiding it.  Had I not sat directly across the table from her at meal time I never would have known that she was struggling in this way.
  So now that she has these adorable glasses and I've adjusted to the fact that she needed them, because believe me it was an adjustment, I've been looking into why she might need them.  Patrick has glasses, they are for near-sightedness, he (I think) didn't get his first pair until after high school.  I have the tiniest prescription you can get for reading glasses that I got when I was in middle or high school and my vision hasn't changed at all since then, though I've had it tested and gotten new pairs of glasses over the years. 
  I have an appointment set up for Caeden to have his eyes checked this month, I'll feel awful if he needs glasses too since he is even older than Fia, but I don't think he does.  So why would Fia need such a strong prescription when there really isn't much family history of needing glasses, at least not in childhood? 
  This led me to her birth, which is the only thing that was completely different from the rest of our family... she was born by C-section due to cord prolapse, which means she had a lack of oxygen leading up to her delivery.  I've heard of incubated babies getting too much oxygen and loosing their eye sight, but never heard of a lack of oxygen causing eye problems, though it sounds like it could be related to me.
  I did a mini search with my friend google, and found this website that though it isn't extensive in it's description it does offer some insight to Fia's vision problems.  Apparently the lack of oxygen could really be the reason she has vision problems.  Somehow above all the things I went through, all that I felt, didn't feel, and mentally and emotionally overcame, this is one thing that makes me want to turn around and sue the heck out of the hospital that delivered my daughter.  Now it isn't just me... I have some small amount of proof that not only did they mess me up, they also messed up my daughter with their impatience.
Would I sue them?  Probably not.  What good would it do?  But I hate that they did this to my baby and can get away with it.  I'm willing to bet that her eczema has something to do with that wretched c-section too... though honestly I really don't have proof of that, except that stress triggers more itching than normal.
Ok, I'm done with my mini rant.  Fia is adorable in her glasses and she is a beauty inside and out. 

Sunday, June 16, 2013

half way there

We got our ultra sound done a few weeks ago now, didn't find out babies gender, I'm so excited to have my surprize baby!  And I'm starting to collect the things that I need for my birth box.. though I still have to order the packet that the midwife said I needed to order... I just feel like this pregnancy is rushing by, like I thought I had a ton of time but actually I'm getting to that point where I need to start putting things together, like actually together.  So I'm writing out a list of 'to-do's' and you get to hear all about them!

1. Order my birth package
2. eat more pickles.... yes, I just had a little dish of them but I foresee lots more pickle eating coming up!
3. Order the material for my ring sling
4. finish the basement (we are making it into a guest bedroom/second livingroom
5. along with number 4. reapolster the fold out couch down there, which means measuring and ordering the material
6. mend all the stuff my best friend gave me FOREVER ago and get it mailed out to her.
7. mail out my invitations for the summer camp out we are having in July
8. Go on VACATION!!!
9. Fix the fence, technically this isn't something *I* have to do, it is just something that needs to be done.
10. clean my sewing room, as it will most likely be my birthing room... at least that is my thought, I really could be delivering this kid anywhere.. that is so exciting to me!
11. sort and wash all the neutral newborn baby clothes I have
12. Plan a shopping trip down by my parents and utilize all their much better stores.

There is probably a ton more to do, but these are really the important ones.

For your viewing pleasure, here is a picture of the baby!  Oh and next appointment is J
uly 8th.


Saturday, June 15, 2013

how to make a pumpkin cocoon for your newborn

I wasn't going to post my pattern for the baby cocoon because I don't consider this to be a crafting blog, but then I was thinking one day I may want to make another one and how will I remember what to do if I don't write it down?  So forgive me while I turn my blog into a craft storage area for a moment or two.

This pattern is for the cocoon only:

Supplies:
I used Red heart yarn in Orange and Green
H or 5.00MM hook

Abreviations
ch- chain
sl st- slip stitch
sc- single crochet
dc- double crochet
dc2tog- double crochet 2 together (decrease double crochet)
BPdc- back post double crochet
FPdc- front post double crochet
hdc- half double crochet

+ note: total st listed at the end of each row includes ch 3 done at the beginning of each row)

Pattern:
Using Orange yarn
Row 1: ch 10, sl st to first ch to form circle
Row 2:  ch 3, 12 dc into ring from row 1, sl st to ch 3
Row 3:  ch 3, dc in same space, 2 dc in each dc around, sl st to ch 3 (26 st)
Row 4: ch 3, dc in same space, *dc in next 2 dc's, 2 dc in next dc, repeat from * all the way around, (34 st) sl st to ch 3
Row 5: ch 3,  dc in next 2 dc, 2 dc in next dc, *dc in next 4 dc, 2 dc in next dc, repeat from* all the way around ending in same dc as ch 3 (47 st)
Row 6: ch 3, dc in same dc, dc in next 3 dc, 2 dc in next dc, * dc in next 6 dc, 2 dc in next dc, repeat from * all the way around, (53 st) sl st to ch 3
Row 7-11: ch 3, dc in same st as ch 3, dc in each dc around (53 st) sl st to ch 3
Row 12: ch 3, dc in same st as ch 3, *dc in next 8 dc, 2 dc in next dc, repeat from * all the way around (you will end one dc before reaching the 8th dc on the last repeat, this is ok) sl st to ch 3 (59 st)
Row 13: ch 3, dc in same dc, *dc in next 8 dc, 2 dc in next dc, repeat from * 6 times,  dc in next 3 dc, sl st to ch 3 (65 st)
Row 14-16: ch 3, dc in each dc around, sl st to ch 3 (65 st)
Row 17: ch 3, dc2tog, dc in each dc around, sl st to ch 3 (64 st)
Row 18:  ch 3, dc2tog, dc in each dc around, sl st to ch 3 (63 st)
Row 19: ch 3,  dc2tog, dc in each dc around, sl st to ch 3 (62 st)
Row 20: ch 3, dc2tog, dc in each dc around, sl st to ch 3 (61 st)
Row 21: ch 3, dc2tog, dc in each dc around, sl st to ch 3 (60 st)
Row 22: ch 3, dc2tog, dc in each dc around, sl st to ch 3 (59 st)
Row 23: ch 3,  dc2tog, dc in each dc around, sl st to ch 3 (58 st)
Row 24-32: ch 3, dc in each dc around, sl st to ch 3 (58 st)
Row 33: ch 3, *BPdc, FPdc, repeat from * around, sl st to ch 3 ( 57 st)
Row 34: ch 3, *BPdc, FPdc, repeat from * around, sl st to ch 3 (56 st) fasten off

Green yarn
Row 1: attach green to an dc from Orange along top row, sc in each dc around. (56 st)
Row 2: ch 3, dc in same st, 2 dc in each st around, sl st to ch 3 (113 st)
Row 3: turn, ch 3, dc in same dc, *dc in next dc, 2 dc in next dc repeat from * 7 times (26 st) this is your first leaf.
Row 4: turn, ch 1, hdc in next dc, dc in next 22 dc, 2 dc in next dc (26 st including ch 1)
Row 5: turn, ch 1, hdc in next 2 dc, dc in next 20 dc, hdc in next dc, (24 st including ch 1)
Row 6: turn, ch 3, dc in next 19 dc, hdc in next 2 dc (22 st)
Row 7: turn, ch 3, hdc in second space from ch, hdc in next dc, dc in next 15 dc, hdc in next dc (19 st)
Row 8: turn, ch 1, hdc in next 2 dc, dc in next 10 dc, hdc in next 2 dc (14 st)
Row 9: turn, sc in first st, hdc in next 2 st, dc in next 6 st, hdc in next st (10 st)
Row 10: turn, sc in first st, hdc in next 2 st, dc in next 3 st, hdc in next dc (7 st)
Row 11: turn, sc in next st, hdc in next st, dc in next 2 st, hdc in next st (5 st)
Row 12: turn, hdc in next st, dc in next 2 dc, fasten off.
You have now completed your first leaf.
I chose to put leaves all the way around but you can space them at any distance you want, just choose where to begin and start from Row 3 continuing to Row 12 for each leaf. 

Pumpkin baby

My great grandfather used to call my mom 'pumkin' cause she was born in October, then when he was old and couldn't remember things well he began to call me 'pumkin'.. it was sweet but I didn't know why until after he had passed away.
When I discovered that my baby was due in October it seemed natural to 'pumpkin theme' it.... so whether baby is a girl or boy this kid is going to be a pumpkin! 
I started by deciding to make a pumpkin looking baby cocoon.  I couldn't find a pattern for one that looked like what I wanted so I tried to use just any plain pattern and just wing it from there... once the cocoon was finished I was unhappy with it, not due to the pattern at all, just because it didn't fit what I was imagining, so I really truly decided to wing it and forgot about using any sort of pattern and just used the measurements that my first pattern suggested, 12 inches across the top and 17inches long.  It turned out AWESOME!! (if I do say so myself.)
Then of course it needed a pumpkin hat to go with it.  I've never been successful with hats, especially if I tried to wing it so I used a pattern, and it was PERFECT! and I LOVE how it turned out.  I had no idea I could crochet as well as I have this time, however so much of the credit goes to on-line tutorials for teaching me some of the stitches I had never learned before.
After finishing the cocoon and hat I decided that the baby wouldn't always be wearing a cocoon and should therefore have some cute booties to go along with the hat for 'going out' opportunities where a cocoon just wouldn't work well (I'm thinking car seat and cocoon just spells trouble, and the cocoon may never leave the house simply because I wouldn't want to put it on after getting baby out of the car seat only to take it back off when leaving again.)
So I searched for another pattern for booties, honestly this is one I didn't have to do because my Great Aunt Della taught me how to make booties minus the pattern a long time ago, and I've done it that way ever since.  But I wanted the added peace of mind that they would be the right size.  So much for that cause the first cute pattern I found ended up being HUGE, so I tried again (only getting about 1/3rd of the way through the pattern before realizing how huge it would be) but still the finished product was way too big even with a smaller hook.  So I searched again and found this pattern.  I LOVE how these turned out as well!  I did use a smaller hook than recommended because she mentions that they might be a little big (lasting to 3 months) and I only had two options a size bigger, or a size smaller, so I opted for smaller.  They are so tiny and cute I think they will only last a week or so before baby grows out of them, but I don't mind baby is due at the end of October and by 3 months will be needing Christmas stuff anyway.
This hat was made exactly as the pattern specified, but the cocoon ended up being my own design completely.

These booties were mostly made with a pattern (referenced above) but I changed a few things, namely I used the front and back posts instead of a regular dc stitch when she called for that, in the finishing row I used a reverse sc instead of a slip stitch, and instead of using ribbon I made a 45stitch chain and put leaves on the end that I created myself.
If you are interested in the adjusted pattern for any of this I will put it together, but only if you ask.  ;)
 
I hope you enjoy!

Friday, May 24, 2013

the trouble with hearts

Hearts are like anything else in life, unpredictable.

Usually I'd like to follow that with something that sounds like love.... but this time that is not the case. 
Last week Thursday I got into heated and emotional conversation with a friend that was VERY long, and when it was all over, or maybe even while it was happening I started to feel worn down, and physically exhausted.  I felt like it was just a pregnancy thing and just attempted to rest before the weekend hit.  I felt like my heart was racing, and it took a long time to calm it down.
The weekend was AMAZING!  for the first time in years I was able to go on an annual girls only mushroom hunting trip with my mom... a few times during our trip my heart jumped a bit and raced, but again, I figured it was just because I'd been walking a lot more than I had been while stuck on the couch with morning sickness.  My mom was nice and tried to take it easy for me... I thought it was great.
On the way home I had to pull over twice, once to puke, and once to avoid it.  When I got home I had a full blown stomach bug, it was horrible, but only lasted about 24 hours.  By the time I'd recovered my husband had the bug, and by the time he had recovered my house was a DISASTER!  I'd look at just one room and feel my heart begin to race.  It was about this time that it started to worry me.  I could feel these little jumps in my chest every once in awhile, but as long as I took some time to settle my emotions, and calm my nerves I could over come them and be on my way.  I didn't even mention it to my husband.
On Tuesday night a girl on facebook felt the need to correct something I said and it became a very heated conversation, again my heart started racing.  I mentioned it to her, and basically ended that conversation as best I could.  We had worked things out, but I was still emotionally charged.  I went upstairs to use the bathroom and afterward my heart was pounding SO hard and jumping and 'hiccuping' I laid down in bed thinking I'd just rest and it would go away after awhile like the times in the past, but before it stopped I fell asleep, and my husband woke me up when he got home from work.
Wednesday I was attempting to catch up on all the housework that had fallen behind, and get the kids involved in it too, and lunch time snuck up on me, I felt like I was being pulled a thousand directions and my heart was racing and jumping and hiccuping, it bothered me, but I pressed through it as best as I could.  I wasn't accomplishing anything really, not like I wanted to be.  I rested but didn't really feel great.  That night something more happened on facebook, this time not directly related to myself, but still emotionally charged and hard to take, and the conversations that came out of it were so emotional that my heart started racing, jumping and hiccuping again.  I stopped talking again, and I was upset that these people that seemed to be jumping at each other were people I really loved talking to, and sharing bits of my life with, and yet they are chewing each other up.
That night I'm almost ashamed to say that I dreamt most of the night about these women and what was said between them.  And when I woke up I got right to work making breakfast and getting the day moving and as I went along my heart was getting worse and worse jumping and skipping and hiccuping.  I finally told my husband and he prompted me to call my doctor, who wasn't actually my doctor yet, and because of that they said I'd have to fill out some paperwork and see if the doctor accepted me as a patient, which could take days... and I didn't want to wait days... we went to the ER. 
They recognized the weird beating of my heart and did an EKG... which showed that my heart would be regular for about 3-4 beats, then slow down for 2 and then beat twice in a row very quickly, then slow down for another two and repeat the sequence again. 
They took some blood to check my electrolytes and some other things, did a urine sample for I don't know what reason, and the doctor ordered a saline lock.  I was so proud of myself at that moment, when they did the blood draw I warned them I'm a nervous stick and might faint (which I did after I cleared everyone out of the room, including my children).  So while I was recovering from the first needle poke I was told they wanted another, and I asked if there was any fluid ordered to use the saline lock for, and the nurse double checked and said no, so I asked her if I could refuse until it was needed and she said YES... I know that sounds pretty lame, but it was a big moment for me, I got along with my nurse and still expressed my desire to not have the recommended course of treatment!  Something I've been a little afraid of since being treated badly during Fia's birth.
In the end they sent me home with a prescription for antibiotics for a UTI (YAY! NOT!) and a diagnosis for PAC which basically says that my heart is being weird, but I shouldn't worry about it at this time.  If it gets worse or painful I'm supposed to go back in.  I'm also supposed to follow up with that doctor that hasn't got me on their books yet... so I went out and got the paperwork filled out and turned in, filled the prescription and tried to relax the rest of the day.  The irregular beating did eventually stop bothering me, but has been back and forth today. 
For the record, I'm staying away from facebook for awhile.  No mater what is going on it isn't worth risking my health or the health of baby.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Drained

It happens once in awhile that you have gone full speed ahead and then hit a wall, you can't climb it, can't go under it and there isn't a way around it, and you just have to stop and allow the world to overtake you for a time...
It happened to me this week.
Last week I managed to get my house in order, I posted about that, and it was rewarding and EXHAUSTING, but I did it, and was so happy, and anticipated that this week would go much easier because of all the hard work I'd done last week.. I was only slightly wrong, as I sit here with two loads of unfolded laundry in front of me and another in the dryer waiting for me to retrieve them.
Last weekend was AMAZING and tiring.  It was Mother's Day weekend, and my birthday was on Monday, so knowing how my husband rarely plans a thing I decided that I'd plan my own time, and went to the Holland Tulip Festival for the weekend, staying at a cousin's house to get as much enjoyment out of it as possible... however, Friday morning as we packed up to leave it was cold and raining and the weather map indicated we were not going to get out of that weather pattern after our four hour drive to Holland.  I nearly canceled the trip, but had really been looking forward to going, so I grinned, bundled and packed the car, and said a silent prayer that somehow God would make this weekend enjoyable regardless of the weather surrounding us.
The weather didn't let up at all on Friday, and we ended up looking at some shops where we could be inside, I can honestly say I saw more tulips in our home town than I did in Holland, but oh well.  After wandering the shops we called my cousin and announced we were on our way to her home.
I hadn't seen her since Thanksgiving last year and her kids are my kids ages so I was thrilled to spend some time with her.  (turns out she was pregnant at the time and didn't know it yet... )  So we have a pattern going for our kids, I had my son, a few months later she had hers, She had her daughter and a few months later I had mine.. now I'm due in October and she is due in January... very exciting! 
The next day we got up and met my sister at the Dutch Village, and endured freezing cold weather that at least was not raining, while our kids ran around riding the train they have there, and the carousel, and then after snacks in the back of my van we said good bye and started our LONG drive home...
I'm thankful for so many things, first, that my husband decided to go to Cracker Barrel, to be honest it isn't my absolute favorite restaurant, but it is one I enjoy and being that most of the restaurants we really like are located NO WHERE near our home it was refreshing to eat real food cooked by someone other than me, that wasn't from burger king or McDonald's.. and as much as I enjoy the mom and pop restaurants, I'm glad it wasn't from them either.
Once home we dropped off a birthday present to a friend of C's and got the kids home and in bed.. and then I pooped out for 3 days!  I had things I HAD to do, so I did them, but Saturday night to Tuesday morning I really can't say I did anything helpful in my home.  I may have actually gotten C's laundry in the washing machine Monday night but I don't remember.
What I do remember is that on Sunday we skipped church because I was just too tired, and P took me to a mom and pop restaurant where they gave me a rose and mint chocolate chip ice cream because it was mother's day (technically the ice cream was P's and he gave it to me).
I remember that Sunday night P came home from work with a Sara Lee Apple Pie (he wanted to get me a berry pie because I'd been craving berry pie for a few days but couldn't find one) popped it into the oven and we had a midnight birthday pie celebration!  It was a perfect transition from mother's day to my birthday...
Monday we got up early again and drove a little over an hour to my midwife appointment and got to hear our babies heart beating again!  I felt like it was a perfect birthday, nothing special, but perfect to me. 
P bought me some of the most beautiful Orchids for Mother's Day (I had to look on-line to learn how to take care of them, so I hope I don't kill them!!!) and a new radio to replace my old one that I could no longer move the volume dial on and was just wearing out in general. 
And C felt like he didn't get to get me anything for mother's day or my birthday and it made him feel bad, so all week he's been drawing me pictures in the bath tub with his bath tub crayons, the first one was a rainbow, the second one was horses, lots of horses, all the way around the bath tub... and for a 4 year old who only just started drawing anything he did an amazing job!  I knew immediately that they were horses.  And I'll be incredibly sad when I have to wash them off.  I'll have to post a picture of them another day.

I'll be honest, I got on my blog to whine and complain about today, an emotionally draining day, a horrible example of my ability to be a friend, or to mother my children with patience and love, and when I choose to instead tell about my amazing weekend last week, it has really helped me to focus more on the positives!

Tomorrow I'm leaving my family for the first time in the care of my husband alone... it is exciting and terrible at the same time.  I very much need a chance to tune out everything in my head and relax, but I also have never left my children for this long.  I'm totally confident my husband can handle it, but I will miss them too.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

so many thoughts

First off I'll give you the exciting news... this baby MOVES!!! A few days ago I felt this totally random spasm in my uterus, and ever since then there have been no more little flutters or tickles, just full on rolls and kicks!  I love this time in pregnancy, it is comparable to getting to know a new boyfriend... you feel each other out, can I get away with pushing back?  how will he/she respond?  Can I talk to make you more interested baby?  Are you an early bird or a night owl?  Will you respond well when I pick on you?  I love this!  It is like playing puzzles with a human!  and a fresh one too... I'm the first person to get to know you baby!

Ok and as exciting as that was I've got a lot of other things to talk about... 1. I'm going on an adventure tomorrow!  so exciting.. I have to remember so many things though and due to the above mentioned little person I'm getting to know I have NO energy to prepare!  Honestly I wanted a shower YESTERDAY and still have not taken one yet today and it is nearly 11pm, but that isn't just because of energy, it is also because....

I'm getting back on track with my house.  For 11 weeks it fell apart, only getting cleaned by friends/acquaintances who took pity on me while I hurled and tried to keep food down and not pass out on the floor, BUT a few weeks ago I started light, just getting my laundry back on track, then moved on to my kitchen, then the kitchen was constantly clean despite the fact that I can now cook again and was doing so as often as possible, for a whole week, so I moved on to the living room, which lets be honest is probably the easiest room to clean but I was ignoring it for so long to get those real problem areas under control... and I DID IT!!!!

I could totally have a party for myself if I had the energy!  But because I don't have the energy I have been sitting in the middle of a pile of folded laundry that just needs to be put back in the basket... staring at the pile of things that I need to put in a bag and another pile of things that need to go in the car to prepare for tomorrow.... but I'm not motivated to do it.. I'm tired, I want to go to sleep RIGHT NOW... but I know that like the last 4-5 nights I'll exhausted climb into my bed and lay wide awake until 2am... and then feel like I've wasted so much time, so instead I'm sitting here in the above mentioned pile of folded laundry telling you how tired I am.

So for your pleasure and entertainment I'm going to share my 'household chores schedule'  which I honestly can't remember but I may have shared it before.. it is just that it works so AWESOME that everyone should have one of these, mine or some other one doesn't matter, just get on a schedule and follow your routine and you'll be amazed how much more smoothly your household runs... of course you also have to remember that it is still hard work to keep a household clean so give yourself a break if you don't meet your goals, just do your best!

My schedule!
Monday- (My son's first name starts with the letter closest to the beginning of the alphabet so it seemed right that I would start with him....)
 *Wash that boy's laundry
 *encourage and guide him in cleaning his room (all the way down to vacuuming and washing the window when it needs it)

And every day has a few D's... so while there is no order to my day I do things as I get to them and here are the daily D's
Dishes
Dirty Floors (if it is a floor and it looks dirty I take care of it, if not I say forget it)
Dirty Surfaces (table, counter tops, stove top)

Tuesday- (starts with a T... lets go with it)
*TOWELS (wash them, dry them, hang them where they need hanging and fold those that need putting away)
*Bathroom (I have two bathrooms and I hate cleaning them, but I stole some ideas from Flylady who I think would be proud of me)
     -dry washcloth to the mirrors (sure Windex would work but I've been cutting chemicals so I only use vinegar and water and then only when it really needs it)
      - same wash cloth to the sink, counter tops, and faucet (with added water now)
      - same washcloth to the toilet... (yep toilet!)
     - use a scrubby thing to the inside of the toilet
     - sweep floor
     -take out trash
     - mop down the floor with a different wash cloth (I could use the same one but that seems nasty)

Since I'm already in the bathroom this works as a great time to bathe the kids, so the tub gets a quick scrub down too and the kids take turns bathing while I clean the rest of the room.

And don't forget the Daily D's mentioned in Monday

Wednesday- (what would go better on Wednesday than WE)
*Hubby and I's laundry
*Clean my bedroom (currently I've only achieved this once since getting pregnant and you can imagine it is pretty far behind, set reasonable goals for yourself, you don't have to get everything done in one week, it will still be there next week)
        - make your bed!  (new sheets are a plus)
        - pick up the floor
        -vacuum
        -wash any mirrors
        -clean off your dresser
        - make an effort to organize the closet

DAILY D's!

Thursday (I've got nothing cute about this day)
after all the hard work you've done you deserve to have a day of less stress... this is your 'catch up or get ahead day.

Daily D's
If you missed laundry at all this week catch up, if not think ahead to your weekend, is it particularly busy?  is there anything in Friday or Saturday that you could do now that would benefit you?

Oh and just because you can't have a day without some sort of extra chore, mop your kitchen floor.

Friday- My daughter's Nickname as you've probably noticed starts with F... it's her turn!
*Do her laundry
*Help and encourage her to clean her room (don't forget the windows and the vacuuming)

DAILY D's

Saturday (it starts with S... can you guess?)
*Wash the sheets!  Did you notice on any of those days earlier in the week that some sheets needed to be changed?  hopefully you already changed them but if not go strip the beds and wash those sheets...

Daily D's

Sunday
Come on!  EVERYONE gets a day off... you do too!  TAKE IT!!!  If you fell behind last week, don't worry about it, you'll have the same schedule next week and you've lived this long without having done it... go to church, take the kids to the park, DON'T DO ANY DAILY D's either... you deserve to rest!


Ok... so you see by the end of the week my house is pretty well taken care of, I've cleaned the bathroom (by the way I only clean one per week and rotate them each week), all the bedrooms are clean, the living room and kitchen have been cleaned every day when doing your daily D's.... you've done a great job and your house looks awesome! 
There are several things like dusting, and cleaning main room windows and things like that, that I didn't mention, and to be honest they don't get done that often in my home, but that is because 1. I like my kids and like spending time with them more than I like dusting and 2. When I find that I didn't have a lot to do in the kitchen, or when Thursday rolls around and I don't have any reason to get ahead of myself this makes a perfect time to get those extras that otherwise get ignored.

Ok.. I'm done boasting... I do however want to say that this schedule that works so wonderfully for me and makes me so excited to keep going on... it came from the same dark place that this blog came from.  When I was stuck in PTSD from my daughter's birth I found I needed concrete goals and started with a simple approach to keeping up my laundry... I didn't accomplish it all in one week, (I didn't this time either after having been sick so long)... I took it slow, found what worked for my family, and went with it... and once I mastered ONE task I moved on to another without dropping the first one.  Flylady is an awesome resource for teaching that sort of thing, she starts with just shining your sink... absolutely no other task the first day!  I was annoyed by her approach and decided to alter it slightly to make my goals a little better in the beginning... and since I cared less about dishes than I did about having clean clothes I started there.

Seriously take some time for yourself, figure out what works and GO WITH IT... and DON'T GIVE UP! 

Monday, April 15, 2013

Baby bumps and Lucky kids

I have to be the slowest person on the planet to show when I'm pregnant.  I am only 12 weeks right now and don't expect my belly to advertise to the world for me yet, but seriously I guess I just have a bunch of space for these little babies to grow inside where they can surprise the world with their appearance.
The good news is that I am thin enough that when I get that baby belly you can tell it is a baby belly and not just fat... I guess if my cycles were irregular and I didn't suffer from nausea so badly I could reasonably say I had no idea I was pregnant until 6 maybe even 7 months along though!  Knowing this about myself really makes me more sympathetic to the women who don't know they are having a baby until they go into labor... My gosh wouldn't that be an incredible day?  You'd probably think you were dying, and then just when you decide it is all over and your life was fun while it lasted you find out you are having a baby... wait, now your life is over... or is it?  I mean as a mother of some amazing kids I say NO it isn't over, but can you imagine:??  A single woman, not knowing until hours or even minutes before becoming a mom.... CRAZY!

I had a literally amazing day today.. mostly the first half of it was amazing, the second half I was living off from the excitement of the first half... here is how it went...(of course I'd have to start at last night) P came home and decided he needed to finish some college work so that he could receive credit for it before midnight... that is seriously some last minute work there!  (He can be excused though, at least by me, it was after all our anniversary weekend and he had a lot going on with our family and events in our lives this week)  Anyway before he went to work he said "I'm going to try to be in bed by midnight." exact quote ok.  And of course getting home at 11:35 and proceeding to take an on-line quiz put us right at midnight, and I'm thinking "yes, bedtime before 1am!" but then he turns on Bones... we watch at least one episode a night, usually two.. he likes to relax a bit after coming home from work.  I get it, but there goes bedtime. When I ask him about it he says "what I meant was after one show."  uhuh... sure....lol.
One show finished and I say "bedtime?" and he says "I'm not tired yet."  I say "Ok, good night then."  I don't sleep well without him and at least like to see him when he gets home from work so that is the reason I stayed up at all... but I'm one tired preggo.... so off to bed I go. 
Of course we'd end up in a stupid argument before going to sleep and not finally climb into bed until 1:15am anyway... so much for getting to bed early!  LOL... so come morning, I didn't even so much as stir until 7am when P rolls over wakes me up.. I stumbled to the door thinking our daughter was crying and stumble back realizing she wasn't... asleep again in 15 minutes... just long enough to tell P about my stupid dream.  and again I didn't crack my eyes open until 10am!!!! WHAT!  I feel guilty that our days don't usually start until 9-9:30am but not even waking up until 10 is totally not cool!
Then is hits me... I don't feel sick.  I feel normal.  No acid, no nausea, no light-headed feeling... totally good!  I'd say I was feeling about 80% this morning, which is amazing considering most other mornings I wake up at 40% and it falls to 25% by the time I go to bed at night.
So I cautiously get up thinking surely it will hit soon.  I use the bathroom cautiously because just the act of sitting on the toilet makes me feel like hurling most days, and still nothing.  I hear P getting F ready for the day in her bedroom, and I'm thankful for his help.  Then I head to C's room which is a DISASTER... he only has books and clothes and stuffed animals and yet the room is so easily torn up.. so I tell him we'd better pick up quick so he can have breakfast.  He picks up the stuffed animals and piles his clothes (his basket has gone missing) and I take all the books off the shelf and put them back on the way they are meant to go (a four year old just has no concept of putting books on the shelf properly). And we finish and I cautiously stand, still no nausea.... weird. 
Downstairs F is eating, C is starting to eat, P is cooking me eggs and bacon and frying bread in the frying pan because he says the toaster is too slow... I still feel good.  I eat, I feel good, even though it took twice as long as it would before pregnancy to eat the small but delicious breakfast. 
Then I did something AMAZING... yes laugh if you must, but I went back upstairs and cleaned the kids/guest bathroom.  I'm talking washed the mirrors, the shelf above the sink, (even the inside of the medicine cabinet), the sink, the cupboard below the sink (where all the tooth paste is collecting), the toilet, swept the floor, took out the trash, and then MOPPED the floor... and STILL felt good... a little more tired, but good!
Then I went down stairs to talk to P about a misunderstanding between him and C, and that is when I realized that I was not done.  I mean honestly I never am, but I still had something in mind to do that I felt I could tackle.  The playroom.  I sat on the floor and organized all those bins or toys, threw out the trash that had collected there from C making dragons out of paper, toilet rolls, string.. you name it the kid can make a dragon out of it and then he doesn't want to throw it away... so I did.  Then I washed the table in there, vacuumed the floor, and set the train back up so he could use it again... and STILL felt good.. Although now I can honestly say I was back down to about 55% at this point.
I laid down on the couch feeling winded but happy with myself.  and then I got the greatest reward... Baby D started moving around.. it didn't last long but it was absolutely baby moving around.. I love it!
So why do you ask are my kids lucky?  I don't know honestly, I mean they do have tons of blessings, and a mom and dad who love them and buy ridiculous amounts of toys for them, and chose the pinewood derby over an anniversary get away, BUT my kids are lucky because while I was laying on the couch just before bedtime (this is MUCH after my cleaning spree this morning) C says in a sing songy voice "we are the luckiest kids in the world, we are C and F and we are the luckiest kids in the world." and when I tell them ten minutes later that it is bedtime they walk together up the stairs C's hand on F's shoulder and he says sweetly to her "Don't worry F we are still the luckiest kids in the world."

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Am I over it?

*** Another old post that is going out of order completely, but I really don't like to not share what I intended to share.  


"F is nearly two years old, currently crying about having been shut in her room for a nap... even though she is free to wander now.  She is an amazing little girl, and I love her to pieces... We've worked through so much together. Eczema, speech delays, a late start to walking... but she is brilliant, has an amazing smile that lights up her whole face, and a very contagious laugh.  She is compassionate, and emotional, and she is beautiful through and through.
Mommy is having a very hard time getting used to the idea that F is going to be 2 though.  I want to cry about it nearly every day.  I feel like I'm beginning to really dig into my feelings over her birth, and the trauma of the event.  Partly because I want another baby so badly. 
We lost Jaemi back in January, and it was so very hard to deal with last month as we passed the due date of that precious little baby now resting in the arms of Jesus!  So where do I go now?
I guess I'll start with the changes that we've survived.  1st, we moved across the country back in March, then we stayed 6 months in my parents house, and then less than two months ago we moved again.  P has a great job working in the same field he worked in for the US Navy, and seems to doing well there... it is great to have him doing well in his field.
As we passed Jaemi's dues date I was moving into our new house, painting four rooms four different colors, and attempting to put our family back into the routine I loved once upon a time.  I did great, well at least as far as anyone else would know.  Really, in the quiet of my bedroom where only P and I knew about it, I grieved the tiny toes I never got to kiss, the fingers I never had wrapped around mine, and the little wiggles that a new born baby does when you are trying your hardest to get them dressed and they don't know how to co-operate with you.  I was longing for the tugging feeling of a nursing infant, and the tiny fingers that dig little nails into your skin right under your arm while nursing.  I cried, I pleaded with P for another baby, and I desperately hoped each time that we had sex that he would choose not to use whatever form of prevention he decided on.
With all this longing for a baby I realize two things... 1. I'm not over it.  and 2. I'm not over it.
1. I'm not over Jaemi's lost life.  I don't feel I need to explain this after all the last paragraph went over that pretty well.
2.  I'm not over F's birth.  The more I think about having another baby the more I think about the birth of said baby.  After having a c-section most doctors will not support me in wanting a VBAC.  After fighting with my midwife for a natural birth, I don't want to fight anyone for anything... I would rather get a midwife with experience in home birth for a VBAC.  I'm pretty sick of being told by someone else what my body is capable of doing.  The problem is we just moved out to timbucktoo, and there are not many options here.  I found one midwife, and spoke to her, I'm confident that she would do a good job at a birth, but was not confident in her ability to handle an emergency given the things she says she brings with her to a birth.  This breaks my heart, because the options are so very slim... I'd much rather interview the three midwives in this area and love all of them and be faced with the problem of which one to choose.
I also don't want to admit it, but I'm scared that something bad will happen, like uterine rupture, and who ever is supposed to be caring for me wont be able to do anything about it, and we are too far from a hospital able to care for that kind of emergency... but I don't want fear to lead my decisions... I think either a home birth, or a hospital birth would be decided on out of fear though. 
If I chose to have a home birth it would be because I 1. want to have a natural birth to show even myself that God created this body of mine for the safe delivery of babies vaginally as I know it was.  and 2. I'm scared of Doctors overwhelming me and discrediting my wonderful God created body and forcing interventions I don't feel are necessary on me, and then ending with a c-section.
If I choose to have a hospital birth it would be the fear of the unknown guiding my decisions, the 'what if my uterus was stitched wrong and it explodes during birth?'....
yeah.. I guess no matter what I think about having another baby, I still have a lot to work through before I could actually birth one."

***This was another of a few posts that I wrote awhile ago and didn't post because for some reason when I edit them occasionally the whole post disappears and I only recently figured out how to amend the problem.  I have since worked through these fears, both those of home birth and those of hospital birth, and feel very confident that this baby we are now expecting is going to have a good birth.  But again, when I write these things they are meant to be published and I feel weird not publishing them when I realize they are still here, just waiting for a reader. 

11 weeks pregnant

I have been feeling like I should probably update on my pregnancy here, but I haven't really got a whole lot to say to be honest.  This baby is doing just as good a job kicking my butt as their big brother and sister did.  It must be a sign of a healthy pregnancy if I get morning sickness, as I didn't get more than a tiny bit nauseated ONE day during my miscarriage of Jaemi.
I did however get THREE glorious days of feeling good, just a bit tired, and to be honest I wasn't feeling 100%, but maybe more like 55-60%, it just felt so good to be at even that level of feeling good that I will just take it! However today and yesterday have not been so nice to me.
I look forward to the time when I can update this journal with the news that it has been WEEKS not just DAYS since I've puked.  Especially after doing so eight times yesterday, and once today. 
I think I may also be coming down with something, I only hope it is short lived and that it doesn't effect me much.  Right now I have a sore throat and the glands at the back of my neck are stiff and sore. 
I'm so not trying to be a Debbie downer here, I just don't have a lot of positive things to say yet...lol.  I am feeling much more calm about this pregnancy than I was with Fia's, I feel like everything is going to be ok.  I didn't have that peace about me with Fia's birth or pregnancy, I don't think I was all that calm with Caeden's either... but I was happy, and excited and felt very much like things were going how they should be.
I meet with my midwife on the 22nd, and we will get our first peak at what is going on in my womb, actually only a sound, we'll get to listen to babies heartbeat, but it is exciting all the same.  Recently a mama from a birth group I frequent said that her doctor might have hinted toward her being pregnant for twins based on heartbeat... that kinda makes me excited.  I know the likely hood is super low, but it just seems like a really crazy but like able idea... though twins would be so difficult, they would also be a challenge I'd be willing to take on.
One last bit of exciting news, I've felt this baby move just a few times, it is amazing how each of my children from the very beginning are so different!  Caeden moved in a tiny flutter at first, but then in a very rhythmic pattern.  Fia moved in constant flutters, and then later she just bounced around constantly and without any type of pattern or rhythm.  This baby though it is only starting just now to make it's presence known, but it's flutters or movements are tiny sudden and gone as soon as they arrive, more like a thump or bump than a butterfly.
I'm pretty tired, and hungry, I'm always tired, and only hungry at night, so I'm going to go take care of those problems, and get to bed.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Not Pregnant

* I just found this unpublished, I'm not sure why it wasn't published but I feel it should be so even though it is out of order, it is worth a read I think.



I must note that it is Jan 2013, even though it will be time stamped on the post... the reason for this is going to be clear in a minute.

Jan 5th 2012 I found out that I was pregnant for Jaemi.  Jan 26th 2012 I lost Jaemi.  Had I been able to keep my sweet lost baby I would have delivered in September 2012. 

Both F and C were born in the same month, and it seemed to me that it would be cool to have another baby born in September.  P and I have been trying to get pregnant for a two months now, and while I didn't expect it to only take two months, I was actually really hoping that this month would be the month. 

This morning when Aunt Flow graced me with her arrival I wasn't all that thrilled, but to be honest I've been expecting her since yesterday at 5:30am when I noticed a significant drop in my basal body temperature (this for anyone who doesn't know is a really good way to plan your family naturally! Check it out on www.fertilityfriend.com)  So when I woke to my alarm today and had another significant drop in temperature it was obvious that she was going to be paying me a visit and I couldn't even dare to hope that the dip in my temperature from the day before could have been implantation of a new baby which occasionally happens....

I took care of C and got in the shower.  Just before getting in, I laid down with P for a minute, he asked how I was, I said "not pregnant" he said "I'm sorry" and it sounded like he meant it, which is pretty nice since he really doesn't care if we have more kids or not, but since he doesn't care he is willing to try with me.  He seems to be warming up to the idea a little more every day.

Once I was showering I cupped my hands in the water and let it slide through my fingers a little, just enough that I could still keep some of it in my hands, and watched it flow to the floor, it struck me that life was like that when I lost Jaemi, I kept my self protected, and comfortable, tried to do all I could to keep my baby inside, to help Jaemi grow and develop, but I couldn't stop him/her from sliding out of my womb and disappearing to heaven. 

I know people don't get it.  Some people look at me when I tell them about Jaemi, with sympathy in their eyes and say "you don't know if it really was a baby, it was too soon for a heart beat." These people mean well, but there is not even a flicker of doubt in my mind that Jaemi was a real baby, heart beat or not, if not then how come I feel so much grief about the loss?  No there is not even a chance that when sperm met egg and combined their was no baby involved... there was a baby, a perfect baby involved, and now that baby, my Jaemi, is waiting in heaven for me.

As I was saying, in the shower I realized that my feelings about not being pregnant are two fold, on the one hand I didn't think I was this month anyway so no big deal.  On the other hand, this fictional baby would have been due the same month as my Jaemi... They would have had something in common, like F and C do.  I could have a silent birthday party for my Jaemi every time I lit a candle for this baby that isn't.... I could have carried Jaemi's memory further.  I could have used a new baby to bring joy into a sad area of my life.  That seems a lot to put onto a child I know... but it was significant in my mind.  To bring joy from sadness, isn't that what the bible says? 

As I let the water drip from my hands I asked God once more, a question I have not ventured to ask in months.  Why?  What did God need with Jaemi, and why would he use me to create this child and then take it away?  He made Adam out of dirt, if he needed another child in heaven couldn't he have made one without me?  I know the plans of God are nothing to do with me, that I'm no where near the center of the plans of God, but I'm the only one who can feel what I feel... so I ask again, WHY God? 

I know I'll never have the answer, and honestly I'm ok with that.  I just needed a little bit of mourning this morning. I so wanted to have my September baby. 

As I cried about this with P after my shower I asked him how he felt about this.  I honestly don't expect anyone who has never carried a child in their womb or experienced the loss of a child to understand why I feel so deeply for a child who some people don't even believe existed.  But his response was soothing to my soul. 

P told me he felt badly that he didn't stand up for me.  When I had been told that they wanted to break my water with F and I said I didn't want it, cried about it, and then asked P what I should do his response had been that he was tired, and why not get the show on the road and we could all go home.  And then after breaking my water F's cord prolapsed and I was rushed to surgery... P has held onto some guilt from this for a long time.  I do not blame him, hospital chairs are horrible, and the tv was too high on the wall to really be comfortable watching it, and my labor was rather uneventful, he was bored, uncomfortable and ready to sleep in his own bed.  I can say 100% I do not blame him.  But he feels guilty, like if he had heard my heart better, put aside his own feelings of discomfort and stood up for me in that moment he could have rescued me from surgery.

He then said he felt guilty all over again when we lost Jaemi, because he (and I for that mater) didn't know that we had options other than surgery at that moment, and it was on the operating table that my body did it's job and cleared a pregnancy from my fallopian tubes without the help of the surgeon... but at this same moment my uterus went crazy and was hemorrhaging and they performed a d&c, something that we had specifically asked NOT to have done.... I don't blame either the doctor or P for this, but he carries guilt that twice in his care I've had surgery that might have been unnecessary.  He feels like he let me down, and my body doesn't (and he is right in this part) function the way it used to, and he has felt that it might be harder for me to get pregnant again because of these surgeries (don't know I guess we will have to see) and that I'm at higher risk for another c-section, something I NEVER wanted done in the first place... and all the blame, in his head, is on him. 

As I mentioned before, I don't blame him, and some of what he is blaming on himself is irrational, but I'm so glad to have a man who feels something concerning the loss.  If I were alone in this feeling, this overwhelming desire to connect with my child, one I will only meet after death, I don't know that I'd be able to keep the crazy at bay.  I'm so incredibly thankful for a man who feels, who wants to protect me, and who wants to stand up for  me and the things that I know and feel are right for my body.

Am I sad I'm not pregnant this month.. no not really... Do I miss Jaemi all over again?  YES absolutely.  And it is hard to draw the line between the two...

Getting a little more!

 5 weeks ago we discovered our family was about to be blessed again, sometime around October 26th actually!  It has taken me awhile to come and write about it because to be honest I'm not sure how I feel about blogging anymore.  I used to really really want to blog about my life and tell the world about our adventures, then life turned and I started this blog to find healing from some of those turns, but now I don't need to tell the world, nor do I need to find healing, so I come here very rarely. 
I'd say sorry but honestly I don't know if anyone reads this any way, and if you do, I'm sure you feel sometimes like I do and like the real world is waiting for you to come back and enjoy it again.... or maybe you don't and it is just me?

Anyway, things are going to be really different this time.  In the first place THINGS HAVE REALLY CHANGED since losing Jaemi, or having Fia (yeah I'm going to be real now, I don't have any reason to hide my kids names anymore.)  Having Fia devastated me because it was shocking how wrong things could go, losing Jaemi brought about a lot of peace and also sadness.  Peace because I finally saw my surgery in a different light, and sadness because even an unexpected pregnancy would have brought a life we treasured into our home, and before that life was fully realized it was also gone. 
Losing Jaemi happened in Jan. 2012, then we moved across the country, from sunny California to Mid-Michigan where we lived with my mom and dad and a few of my siblings for 6 months.  Patrick the kids and I shared one room, I don't miss that at all.  It was challenging to live in the home of another woman again, nothing was mine, I didn't feel as if I could take ownership over anything but my bedroom, and I felt guilty all the time for not being able to follow my mom's schedule and keep my kids in line the way I like to. 
In June I lost my very dearest friend Prissy, an amazing dog!  Prissy was born on Father's day (which I'm pretty sure was June 19th) 1997.  And she lived almost to her 15th birthday.  I don't know if I told her story here, but maybe if I have not I will some other time.
When Prissy was literally dying in her kennel I took  myself out for a walk in the corn field and just cried out to God.  "Why are you taking so many things from me?" The answer was a soft whisper straight to my heart, one I honestly didn't know if I could believe after so many losses (My dog Tristen, Jaemi, Patrick's Job, our home, a part of the freedom we had known in living on our own), but that whisper came, I know it did, "this is the last one".  I know there will be other losses in life, I know eventually my parents or Patrick's parents may die, I know we will probably lose another dog one day, there will be losses, but what God was speaking to my heart then was that I was about to be on the receiving end instead of the giving end of life for awhile.  My heart felt much lighter after that.
The same day that I found out Prissy was dying (we had left her with my parents while we took a little trip for the weekend) Patrick got a job offer.  Not a great paying offer, but an offer none the less...  he took it, he really didn't have much else to take at that point.
He began factory work.  We began looking for a place to live.  Some place we could buy with cash.  We found the perfect little place, in Lansing, just down the road from the Potter Park Zoo, and a few blocks from the hospital, I started dreaming.  In retrospect it wasn't perfect, but I liked it a lot, and was excited to see that all the rooms were painted in shades I liked and probably wouldn't change at all.  And it was SUPER CUTE. 
As we were waiting (5weeks) to hear whether the bank accepted our offer or not we got an e-mail from a company that basically informed us that a job in Patrick's own field was available if he was interested in upper Michigan.  Naturally I freaked out.  If you are not familiar Upper Michigan is very under populated, and often the 'cities' there don't have more than a grocery store. 
We visited the city where the job offer was, to see if we could manage living there.  It was better than I expected and Patrick quickly interviewed with the company.  After going back to my parents house we decided that perhaps it was the right move for us, and we began packing things up and contacted the realtor about canceling our offer... we didn't want to, but had no other choice the house and the new job were 3 hours away from each other.
We stayed nearly a week in a hotel while Patrick started his new job, found a place to live with decent rent and four bedrooms, perfect for temporary living, and VERY comfortable.  The landlords let me paint some of the rooms, with the agreement that any rooms I painted in neutral colors could be left that way when we decided to move out.
During the time of the move one of my best friends got married, I was her maid of honor, and so very happy to be able to participate... had I been pregnant with Jaemi I most likely wouldn't have been able to attend as my due date was so close to her wedding date.. it is a bittersweet thought.
We settled into our new small town existence, found a church that cared so much for us that we decided to stay, though their views are different in some areas from ours and all the churches around here are geared toward the senior aged community.... it has been a VERY difficult adjustment.
In December I traveled with the kids to Maryland to visit a friend and accompany on the birth of her third child, it was exciting!  After Christmas we all headed home (Patrick was able to come for Christmas and the weekend just before it).
Back at home we decided to start trying for another baby.  I don't ever know whether to call it baby 3, or baby D.... because technically we have three children already, but no one recognizes Jaemi as a part of our family because most people here don't even know about the story of Jaemi, and even if they did they just think "oh look at their 'two' children, and now they are expecting number 3". 
So baby D is how I refer to our baby for now.  And Baby D has some exciting stuff coming along with it.  The biggest excitement in my life right now is that we are planning a home birth!  I found a midwife who lives 3 hours from my home (I know that is far right!) and she will travel to me at the end of my pregnancy and obviously for the birth, and has an office that is an hour and 20 minutes from here that she can meet me in until 36 weeks.  She seems really put together, and I'm so excited about this birth.  The only problems I anticipate are that 1. I am a VBAC and that puts me at a higher risk, but we have precautions for that, and 2. she lives a long ways away, I don't want to call her too soon and have her spend days out here, but I also don't want to call her too late and not make it in time for the arrival of the baby.  Otherwise I'm TOTALLY at peace about this baby and it's arrival.
For the record, I really miss Target, but living out here in the sticks hasn't been all bad.  I've been able to sort of build a good community of friends and Patrick and I are trying to kick start a new ministry to reach the unreached generations here.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Remembering and moving forward

I must note that it is Jan 2013, even though it will be time stamped on the post... the reason for this is going to be clear in a minute.

Jan 5th 2012 I found out that I was pregnant for Jaemi.  Jan 26th 2012 I lost Jaemi.  Had I been able to keep my sweet lost baby I would have delivered in September 2012. 

Both F and C were born in the same month, and it seemed to me that it would be cool to have another baby born in September.  P and I have been trying to get pregnant for a two months now, and while I didn't expect it to only take two months, I was actually really hoping that this month would be the month. 

This morning when Aunt Flow graced me with her arrival I wasn't all that thrilled, but to be honest I've been expecting her since yesterday at 5:30am when I noticed a significant drop in my basal body temperature (this for anyone who doesn't know is a really good way to plan your family naturally! Check it out on www.fertilityfriend.com)  So when I woke to my alarm today and had another significant drop in temperature it was obvious that she was going to be paying me a visit and I couldn't even dare to hope that the dip in my temperature from the day before could have been implantation of a new baby which occasionally happens....

I took care of C and got in the shower.  Just before getting in, I laid down with P for a minute, he asked how I was, I said "not pregnant" he said "I'm sorry" and it sounded like he meant it, which is pretty nice since he really doesn't care if we have more kids or not, but since he doesn't care he is willing to try with me.  He seems to be warming up to the idea a little more every day.

Once I was showering I cupped my hands in the water and let it slide through my fingers a little, just enough that I could still keep some of it in my hands, and watched it flow to the floor, it struck me that life was like that when I lost Jaemi, I kept my self protected, and comfortable, tried to do all I could to keep my baby inside, to help Jaemi grow and develop, but I couldn't stop him/her from sliding out of my womb and disappearing to heaven. 

I know people don't get it.  Some people look at me when I tell them about Jaemi, with sympathy in their eyes and say "you don't know if it really was a baby, it was too soon for a heart beat." These people mean well, but there is not even a flicker of doubt in my mind that Jaemi was a real baby, heart beat or not, if not then how come I feel so much grief about the loss?  No there is not even a chance that when sperm met egg and combined their was no baby involved... there was a baby, a perfect baby involved, and now that baby, my Jaemi, is waiting in heaven for me.

As I was saying, in the shower I realized that my feelings about not being pregnant are two fold, on the one hand I didn't think I was this month anyway so no big deal.  On the other hand, this fictional baby would have been due the same month as my Jaemi... They would have had something in common, like F and C do.  I could have a silent birthday party for my Jaemi every time I lit a candle for this baby that isn't.... I could have carried Jaemi's memory further.  I could have used a new baby to bring joy into a sad area of my life.  That seems a lot to put onto a child I know... but it was significant in my mind.  To bring joy from sadness, isn't that what the bible says? 

As I let the water drip from my hands I asked God once more, a question I have not ventured to ask in months.  Why?  What did God need with Jaemi, and why would he use me to create this child and then take it away?  He made adam out of dirt, if he needed another child in heaven couldn't he have made one without me?  I know the plans of God are nothing to do with me, that I'm no where near the center of the plans of God, but I'm the only one who can feel what I feel... so I ask again, WHY God? 

I know I'll never have the answer, and honestly I'm ok with that.  I just needed a little bit of mourning this morning. I so wanted to have my September baby. 

As I cried about this with P after my shower I asked him how he felt about this.  I honestly don't expect anyone who has never carried a child in their womb or experienced the loss of a child to understand why I feel so deeply for a child who some people don't even believe existed.  But his response was soothing to my soul. 

P told me he felt badly that he didn't stand up for me.  When I had been told that they wanted to break my water with F and I said I didn't want it, cried about it, and then asked P what I should do his response had been that he was tired, and why not get the show on the road and we could all go home.  And then after breaking my water F's cord prolapsed and I was rushed to surgery... P has held onto some guilt from this for a long time.  I do not blame him, hospital chairs are horrible, and the tv was too high on the wall to really be comfortable watching it, and my labor was rather uneventful, he was bored, uncomfortable and ready to sleep in his own bed.  I can say 100% I do not blame him.  But he feels guilty, like if he had heard my heart better, put aside his own feelings of discomfort and stood up for me in that moment he could have rescued me from surgery.

He then said he felt guilty all over again when we lost Jaemi, because he (and I for that mater) didn't know that we had options other than surgery at that moment, and it was on the operating table that my body did it's job and cleared a pregnancy from my Fallopian tubes without the help of the surgeon... but at this same moment my uterus went crazy and was hemorrhaging and they performed a d&c, something that we had specifically asked NOT to have done.... I don't blame either the doctor or P for this, but he carries guilt that twice in his care I've had surgery that might have been unnecessary.  He feels like he let me down, and my body doesn't (and he is right in this part) function the way it used to, and he has felt that it might be harder for me to get pregnant again because of these surgeries (don't know I guess we will have to see) and that I'm at higher risk for another c-section, something I NEVER wanted done in the first place... and all the blame, in his head, is on him. 

As I mentioned before, I don't blame him, and some of what he is blaming on himself is irrational, but I'm so glad to have a man who feels something concerning the loss.  If I were alone in this feeling, this overwhelming desire to connect with my child, one I will only meet after death, I don't know that I'd be able to keep the crazy at bay.  I'm so incredibly thankful for a man who feels, who wants to protect me, and who wants to stand up for  me and the things that I know and feel are right for my body.

Am I sad I'm not pregnant this month.. no not really... Do I miss Jaemi all over again?  YES absolutely.  And it is hard to draw the line between the two... But with God's grace I'll try again next month.