I must note that it is Jan 2013, even though it will be time stamped on the post... the reason for this is going to be clear in a minute.
Jan 5th 2012 I found out that I was pregnant for Jaemi. Jan 26th 2012 I lost Jaemi. Had I been able to keep my sweet lost baby I would have delivered in September 2012.
Both F and C were born in the same month, and it seemed to me that it would be cool to have another baby born in September. P and I have been trying to get pregnant for a two months now, and while I didn't expect it to only take two months, I was actually really hoping that this month would be the month.
This morning when Aunt Flow graced me with her arrival I wasn't all that thrilled, but to be honest I've been expecting her since yesterday at 5:30am when I noticed a significant drop in my basal body temperature (this for anyone who doesn't know is a really good way to plan your family naturally! Check it out on www.fertilityfriend.com) So when I woke to my alarm today and had another significant drop in temperature it was obvious that she was going to be paying me a visit and I couldn't even dare to hope that the dip in my temperature from the day before could have been implantation of a new baby which occasionally happens....
I took care of C and got in the shower. Just before getting in, I laid down with P for a minute, he asked how I was, I said "not pregnant" he said "I'm sorry" and it sounded like he meant it, which is pretty nice since he really doesn't care if we have more kids or not, but since he doesn't care he is willing to try with me. He seems to be warming up to the idea a little more every day.
Once I was showering I cupped my hands in the water and let it slide through my fingers a little, just enough that I could still keep some of it in my hands, and watched it flow to the floor, it struck me that life was like that when I lost Jaemi, I kept my self protected, and comfortable, tried to do all I could to keep my baby inside, to help Jaemi grow and develop, but I couldn't stop him/her from sliding out of my womb and disappearing to heaven.
I know people don't get it. Some people look at me when I tell them about Jaemi, with sympathy in their eyes and say "you don't know if it really was a baby, it was too soon for a heart beat." These people mean well, but there is not even a flicker of doubt in my mind that Jaemi was a real baby, heart beat or not, if not then how come I feel so much grief about the loss? No there is not even a chance that when sperm met egg and combined their was no baby involved... there was a baby, a perfect baby involved, and now that baby, my Jaemi, is waiting in heaven for me.
As I was saying, in the shower I realized that my feelings about not being pregnant are two fold, on the one hand I didn't think I was this month anyway so no big deal. On the other hand, this fictional baby would have been due the same month as my Jaemi... They would have had something in common, like F and C do. I could have a silent birthday party for my Jaemi every time I lit a candle for this baby that isn't.... I could have carried Jaemi's memory further. I could have used a new baby to bring joy into a sad area of my life. That seems a lot to put onto a child I know... but it was significant in my mind. To bring joy from sadness, isn't that what the bible says?
As I let the water drip from my hands I asked God once more, a question I have not ventured to ask in months. Why? What did God need with Jaemi, and why would he use me to create this child and then take it away? He made adam out of dirt, if he needed another child in heaven couldn't he have made one without me? I know the plans of God are nothing to do with me, that I'm no where near the center of the plans of God, but I'm the only one who can feel what I feel... so I ask again, WHY God?
I know I'll never have the answer, and honestly I'm ok with that. I just needed a little bit of mourning this morning. I so wanted to have my September baby.
As I cried about this with P after my shower I asked him how he felt about this. I honestly don't expect anyone who has never carried a child in their womb or experienced the loss of a child to understand why I feel so deeply for a child who some people don't even believe existed. But his response was soothing to my soul.
P told me he felt badly that he didn't stand up for me. When I had been told that they wanted to break my water with F and I said I didn't want it, cried about it, and then asked P what I should do his response had been that he was tired, and why not get the show on the road and we could all go home. And then after breaking my water F's cord prolapsed and I was rushed to surgery... P has held onto some guilt from this for a long time. I do not blame him, hospital chairs are horrible, and the tv was too high on the wall to really be comfortable watching it, and my labor was rather uneventful, he was bored, uncomfortable and ready to sleep in his own bed. I can say 100% I do not blame him. But he feels guilty, like if he had heard my heart better, put aside his own feelings of discomfort and stood up for me in that moment he could have rescued me from surgery.
He then said he felt guilty all over again when we lost Jaemi, because he (and I for that mater) didn't know that we had options other than surgery at that moment, and it was on the operating table that my body did it's job and cleared a pregnancy from my Fallopian tubes without the help of the surgeon... but at this same moment my uterus went crazy and was hemorrhaging and they performed a d&c, something that we had specifically asked NOT to have done.... I don't blame either the doctor or P for this, but he carries guilt that twice in his care I've had surgery that might have been unnecessary. He feels like he let me down, and my body doesn't (and he is right in this part) function the way it used to, and he has felt that it might be harder for me to get pregnant again because of these surgeries (don't know I guess we will have to see) and that I'm at higher risk for another c-section, something I NEVER wanted done in the first place... and all the blame, in his head, is on him.
As I mentioned before, I don't blame him, and some of what he is blaming on himself is irrational, but I'm so glad to have a man who feels something concerning the loss. If I were alone in this feeling, this overwhelming desire to connect with my child, one I will only meet after death, I don't know that I'd be able to keep the crazy at bay. I'm so incredibly thankful for a man who feels, who wants to protect me, and who wants to stand up for me and the things that I know and feel are right for my body.
Am I sad I'm not pregnant this month.. no not really... Do I miss Jaemi all over again? YES absolutely. And it is hard to draw the line between the two... But with God's grace I'll try again next month.