Total meltdown

Today has been one incredible rollarcoaster.  And I'm sorry that I've now posted 3 entries for one day.. but you know new blog, lots of things to share, gotta get you up to speed on what its all about.. blah blah blah... that isn't what I wanted to tell you about!
Ok.  So P just switched shifts, we are both wondering how long it is going to be before I explode while he is working this one.. but so far it hasn't been too bad.  He now works from 10pm (meaning he leaves home at like 9:45pm) until sometime just before 8am (that is when he gets home).  This means a few things; 1. I do morning routines with the kids alone, 2. I have to keep the kids quiet until he gets up, 3. We actually get to have dinner together, 4. I don't have to do bedtimes alone! and 5. I sleep alone.  His old schedule had him leaving for work at 2pm and getting home at 12am.  That was ok, I slept with him, we did mornings together, and I took care of dinner and bedtimes alone.  I got used to it and though I didn't like it I managed.  Well I managed monday through thursday and for the last two weeks of that schedule P got off from work on Fridays because his wife was off her rocker!  But that is another story.
Today was the second day of our new schedule.  Not much changes for C or F, but for me a lot is different.  Now my goal is to get up, get my pump out and get dressed before either of the kiddos wakes up.. I have not accomplished this goal yet.  After C wakes up and announces from his bedroom "Mommy I go Potty More" and I let him out of his room empty his potty chair into the toilet get him a skitle and feed him breakfast, then I need to get F who is probably attempting to wake daddy who is now home from work and trying to go to sleep while she screams.  She isn't hungry, she usually has had a bottle just before I get up, so it is just the 'I'm awake' cry... which she must do because you can't wake yourself up without crying first.
Then Their is her morning routine, diaper change, medication, thick layer of aquaphor, new clothes, playtime, bottle.  It is usually during the playtime that I actually manage to get to my breastpump. and that is usually an hour or two after I planned to get to it.
Last night I got an e-mail from a well meaning Lactation consultant.  I had told her in response to another e-mail that I was planning to begin weaning myself from the pump, meaning that I'd go longer between pumping, but still attempt to reach the same number of ounces at the end of the day, but knowing that I'm probably going to kill my supply at some point or another.  Her response was a desperate plea for me not to give up, even at my projected slow pace.  God bless the lactation consultants, but I honestly wish they were more sympathetic toward the woman who needs to give herself a break. 
Anyway her e-mail made me feel incredibly guilty for my choice and I got out my trusty book "the ultimate breastfeeding book of answers" which I LOVE.  And found a tiny portion that said that in the rare case (mine) that a baby refuses the breast all together the mother should pump (I'm doing that) but still give opportunity for baby to attempt latching.  Suggesting that I sleep shirtless... which meant in the end I didn't sleep at all... I think I mentioned this already.
Fast forward to today.
C is a toddler, has been for awhile, and it looks like he will continue that stage for awhile... it is normal, but I'm not.  I yelled at him I don't know how many times, poor boy!  F is an infant.. and she's going to be for awhile longer... I'm stressed.  I did nothing productive today, just tried to survive until P got up.  C woke up at 6:30am and so was ready for a nap early so I thought 'today wont be so bad after all, they will nap at the same time and I can get a nap too!'... My nap lasted all of about 20mins before F woke up and I had to rush her out of the bedroom before she woke P up with her crying.
P woke up went for a run, came home and showered and we all went grocery shopping.  I had to do a portion of it alone because P is starting a home based business and was in the parking lot putting flyers on cars for a little bit.  After shopping was done (a surprizingly successful trip) I was starting to feel some of my tension seeping out and I began to relax.  We drove up to our old apartment complex to put flyers in the elevators.  P would get out at each building and I'd wait in the car with the kids, and then he'd come back and we'd drive to another building.
C was doing great with the waiting, but F had been in her carseat a lot longer than she liked and began screaming at one of the last buildings and P wouldn't answer his phone, my tension rose and rose and rose until I really thought I would explode.  I was driving, I was tense and I just wanted to focus on getting home.. P didn't say a word, I think he knew I wouldn't be able to answer him.  We got home and I practically jumped out of the car and was shaking so badly that I had to just lean on it for a bit, praying that I couldn't hear F crying anymore.  P took care of her, and C ran to the neighbor's kids who were playing barbie's and started pretending to be an airplane flying around near them.. I ran over to get him and got him in the house, noticing as I did all this that a woman across the road (and several other people) were looking at me with a concerned expression.. gosh welcome to the neighborhood you've got a crazy living across the street (they just moved in).
Then we get in the house and I enter into survival mode which P has never seen before, and I start making a bottle and doing everything I can to keep my head cool and not do something stupid or mean, or harmful to anyone.  P steps in to finish the bottle and directs C to pick up his toys, and I am given a moment to be alone.. with my pump!  I get a grip (at least I thought I did) and then I hear P screaming in a very scary tone at C to take his toys to the toy box, apparently he just wasn't listening and P was frustrated with the crying baby the forgetful toddler and crazy wife all at once.  So I stepped out to the living room ready to help make the language connection between the two of them and get C to do what his daddy is asking.  P stepped in front of me and basically gave this air of authority and 'I got this'.  First time that has happened in that manner, and I don't know, I didn't like the 'way' he was handleing it, but C was being obedient and he wasn't being harmed and I just TOTALLY SHUT OFF.  I sat down on the floor in the middle of the walkway and just stared for about 5-6 mins, maybe even longer.  P asked if I was ok, but I couldn't really respond... he let me sit for awhile.  C finished his chore and came to tell me 'mommy I hungee, mommy, mommy, mommy I hungee' and give me hugs and sit on me awhile.  I snapped out of it, mostly, got up to make dinner and the house was a lot quieter and I was able to refocus and calm down...
So now it is the end of the day, I managed baths for both the kids, and dinner was a success, P is off to work and I'm still a bit too calm... like that still before a storm, or the earie quiet in a graveyard.  I think after some sleep I'll be fine, but you can gaurantee this lady is not sleeping topless tonight!

Miss F started it!

We moved to a new city far away from all our friends, P, C and I... and ONE month later whammo I was pregnant with F!  She was planned, we were really happy to add her to our family, but then 4 weeks I kid you not, into the pregnancy I was already sick!  the sickness lasted well into the 6th month of my pregnancy.  I didn't know ANYONE!  C had only just turned one a few months before the move, so he wasn't really able to do ANYTHING on his own, and P was working so he wasn't around to help much.
We moved from a 3 bedroom house with a big back yard and 2 car garage into a 2 bedroom apartment, it was a tough move, and we had a lot of things that just had no place, like a washing machine that we attempted to sell on craiglist but it never went (thank goodness cause we later needed it).  The apartment was dark and depressing, I was dark and depressed... hardly ever seeing anyone but P, and always caring for C!  I didn't know I was depressed though.. does that sound odd?
2nd trimester I started feeling a little better but not enough to say morning sickness had left, and started to make friends.  I really only have 1 that I feel comfortable sharing everything with even now.  I missed my closse friends, they were like family where we had come from.  My healthcare provider argued with me and fought every decision I made regarding my own care.  And then sex became difficult and painful... I mean not just the normal uncomfortable cause your belly is huge, but about an hour after having it I'd be in so much pain I couldn't sit or stand comfortably for more than a few minutes at a time.  I'm so thankful that God heard my prayers and that stopped after I got into the 3rd trimester.
Then came my due date, the fake one (my provider's date), then the real one (the one I knew was right), and I started contracting and dialating, but not enough in my mind to warrant going to the hospital.  I had an appointment that day though... and thinking I'd be going home I brought NONE of the things I'd carefully packed in my labor bag.
The Nonstress test turned out VERY stressful because they told me my fluid levels were high that I was contracting, already dialated to 4cm and they said "If you go home now your water could break, baby's cord will prolapse and she will die before you get back to the hospital".  They scared me into staying.  I felt trapped.
They swept my membranes every 2 hours to 'keep things going' and at midnight I was tired and just wanted to go to sleep but they decided i wasn't progressing and needed my water broken... enter imediate c-section.  And since I am super woman and don't do epidurals in child birth I got to feel them cut me.  Someone said that I probably passed out because of the shock and fear and pain... I think they were right, I know the meds couldn't have worked that fast.. or well i don't think they could.  I just don't remember anything after my nursed pushed a mask over my face and announced to the other people in the room that I was crying and could feel 'that'.
Recovery was fine, no hitches, F didn't latch though when i tried to breastfeed.  I mean she tried, but didn't accomplish it, she lost weight before we left the hospital which was so different compared with my son who gained an ounce when he was dismissed.  Our 1st appointment showed that she was nearly back to her birth weight, but all of the following appointments until she was almost 2 months showed she wasn't gaining weight. 
The doctor told me that I was to pump and bottle feed, when asked how long before I could try to put her back to the breast her response was 'never'.  So i pumped dilegently and increased my supply enough to get F off of all formula. 
I've started trying to get her back to the breast but she isn't having it and I'm honestly too stressed to deal with it.  Last night I tried one last effort, I snuggled her in bed without my shirt on.. everyone says that is the way to get them to 'like' the breast again... spend shirtless time with them.  I HATE shirtless time and just don't feel comfortable running around topless with my two year old so it has been difficult to do during the day.  But P got put on a new schedule and is gone all night so I brought F to bed with me and was so uncomfortable shirtless that I didnt really sleep until at 6am i was fed up with F's wiggling and having no shirt on so I put her in her bassinet and left her alone.  We both slept great until 6:30am when C woke up!
So to recap, I cant breastfeed my daughter, hate pumping, am overwhelmed by my toddler, and overcome with PPD... and it is all miss F's fault... but not really.
I absolutely love this girl, I just wish she wasnt so difficult... such a girl!

Becoming Mommy, Remembering Me

Two and a half years ago I became Mommy....  four and a half months ago I became Mommy to two...
My husband is the best husband I could ask for, compassionate, understanding, a great dad, and well an all around good guy.
I often feel like I couldn't do any better, I have a great life, my husband is awesome, my kids are beautiful and well behaved (most of the time).  I have some fabulous friends, and the ability to make friends about anywhere I go.
But then there are other times, when I feel as if it all fell apart.  My house is always a wreck, I'm almost embarrassed to have anyone over, though generally a quick clean up makes it ok.  My son watches too much tv, my daughter is not specifically breastfed. (more on that later), my husband doesn't get the respect he deserves.  I am a general failure in my own eyes.
And then my son smiles and offers me some of his coveted pretzels when I'm crying.. and I realize I can't have done everything wrong.  Life is FULL of ups and downs, and moments where I'm sitting in a earily still pool somewhere in between the up and the down....
I know the facts, I know that 1 in 5 women will have some form of Post Partum Depression (PPD) beyond the baby blues.  I know that to reset your brain chemistry you need 5 straight hours of sleep.  I know that situational problems can add to the feelings of hopelessness and that I NEED to relax... but the practice is a little beyond me.
I think the most important thing is that I need to remember that I'm not just Mommy, I'm also Me... I am a really awesome mommy, but I'm even better when I know that I'm me too. 
so this blog is going to help me to journal my thoughts, my problems, the cures, and the attempted cures to my depressive issues.  I'm not going to be telling you anyone's names, not real ones anyway, and my reason for that is my family, and my husband's family.  i have another blog where I have kept it very open, but I don't feel I can discuss the REAL issues about my life because EVERYONE can see them, and I feel like it is impossible to be honest about stuff when I know certain judgy people are reading.
So this is me, uncovered, totally real, and slightly secretive! 
My name is Samantha, I'm married to P, We have a 2 year old son C, and a 4.5 month old daughter F.
Are you ready to take a journey with me?