Mommy and Me

Mommy and Me
Sharing life with you is fullfilling

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Total meltdown

Today has been one incredible rollarcoaster.  And I'm sorry that I've now posted 3 entries for one day.. but you know new blog, lots of things to share, gotta get you up to speed on what its all about.. blah blah blah... that isn't what I wanted to tell you about!
Ok.  So P just switched shifts, we are both wondering how long it is going to be before I explode while he is working this one.. but so far it hasn't been too bad.  He now works from 10pm (meaning he leaves home at like 9:45pm) until sometime just before 8am (that is when he gets home).  This means a few things; 1. I do morning routines with the kids alone, 2. I have to keep the kids quiet until he gets up, 3. We actually get to have dinner together, 4. I don't have to do bedtimes alone! and 5. I sleep alone.  His old schedule had him leaving for work at 2pm and getting home at 12am.  That was ok, I slept with him, we did mornings together, and I took care of dinner and bedtimes alone.  I got used to it and though I didn't like it I managed.  Well I managed monday through thursday and for the last two weeks of that schedule P got off from work on Fridays because his wife was off her rocker!  But that is another story.
Today was the second day of our new schedule.  Not much changes for C or F, but for me a lot is different.  Now my goal is to get up, get my pump out and get dressed before either of the kiddos wakes up.. I have not accomplished this goal yet.  After C wakes up and announces from his bedroom "Mommy I go Potty More" and I let him out of his room empty his potty chair into the toilet get him a skitle and feed him breakfast, then I need to get F who is probably attempting to wake daddy who is now home from work and trying to go to sleep while she screams.  She isn't hungry, she usually has had a bottle just before I get up, so it is just the 'I'm awake' cry... which she must do because you can't wake yourself up without crying first.
Then Their is her morning routine, diaper change, medication, thick layer of aquaphor, new clothes, playtime, bottle.  It is usually during the playtime that I actually manage to get to my breastpump. and that is usually an hour or two after I planned to get to it.
Last night I got an e-mail from a well meaning Lactation consultant.  I had told her in response to another e-mail that I was planning to begin weaning myself from the pump, meaning that I'd go longer between pumping, but still attempt to reach the same number of ounces at the end of the day, but knowing that I'm probably going to kill my supply at some point or another.  Her response was a desperate plea for me not to give up, even at my projected slow pace.  God bless the lactation consultants, but I honestly wish they were more sympathetic toward the woman who needs to give herself a break. 
Anyway her e-mail made me feel incredibly guilty for my choice and I got out my trusty book "the ultimate breastfeeding book of answers" which I LOVE.  And found a tiny portion that said that in the rare case (mine) that a baby refuses the breast all together the mother should pump (I'm doing that) but still give opportunity for baby to attempt latching.  Suggesting that I sleep shirtless... which meant in the end I didn't sleep at all... I think I mentioned this already.
Fast forward to today.
C is a toddler, has been for awhile, and it looks like he will continue that stage for awhile... it is normal, but I'm not.  I yelled at him I don't know how many times, poor boy!  F is an infant.. and she's going to be for awhile longer... I'm stressed.  I did nothing productive today, just tried to survive until P got up.  C woke up at 6:30am and so was ready for a nap early so I thought 'today wont be so bad after all, they will nap at the same time and I can get a nap too!'... My nap lasted all of about 20mins before F woke up and I had to rush her out of the bedroom before she woke P up with her crying.
P woke up went for a run, came home and showered and we all went grocery shopping.  I had to do a portion of it alone because P is starting a home based business and was in the parking lot putting flyers on cars for a little bit.  After shopping was done (a surprizingly successful trip) I was starting to feel some of my tension seeping out and I began to relax.  We drove up to our old apartment complex to put flyers in the elevators.  P would get out at each building and I'd wait in the car with the kids, and then he'd come back and we'd drive to another building.
C was doing great with the waiting, but F had been in her carseat a lot longer than she liked and began screaming at one of the last buildings and P wouldn't answer his phone, my tension rose and rose and rose until I really thought I would explode.  I was driving, I was tense and I just wanted to focus on getting home.. P didn't say a word, I think he knew I wouldn't be able to answer him.  We got home and I practically jumped out of the car and was shaking so badly that I had to just lean on it for a bit, praying that I couldn't hear F crying anymore.  P took care of her, and C ran to the neighbor's kids who were playing barbie's and started pretending to be an airplane flying around near them.. I ran over to get him and got him in the house, noticing as I did all this that a woman across the road (and several other people) were looking at me with a concerned expression.. gosh welcome to the neighborhood you've got a crazy living across the street (they just moved in).
Then we get in the house and I enter into survival mode which P has never seen before, and I start making a bottle and doing everything I can to keep my head cool and not do something stupid or mean, or harmful to anyone.  P steps in to finish the bottle and directs C to pick up his toys, and I am given a moment to be alone.. with my pump!  I get a grip (at least I thought I did) and then I hear P screaming in a very scary tone at C to take his toys to the toy box, apparently he just wasn't listening and P was frustrated with the crying baby the forgetful toddler and crazy wife all at once.  So I stepped out to the living room ready to help make the language connection between the two of them and get C to do what his daddy is asking.  P stepped in front of me and basically gave this air of authority and 'I got this'.  First time that has happened in that manner, and I don't know, I didn't like the 'way' he was handleing it, but C was being obedient and he wasn't being harmed and I just TOTALLY SHUT OFF.  I sat down on the floor in the middle of the walkway and just stared for about 5-6 mins, maybe even longer.  P asked if I was ok, but I couldn't really respond... he let me sit for awhile.  C finished his chore and came to tell me 'mommy I hungee, mommy, mommy, mommy I hungee' and give me hugs and sit on me awhile.  I snapped out of it, mostly, got up to make dinner and the house was a lot quieter and I was able to refocus and calm down...
So now it is the end of the day, I managed baths for both the kids, and dinner was a success, P is off to work and I'm still a bit too calm... like that still before a storm, or the earie quiet in a graveyard.  I think after some sleep I'll be fine, but you can gaurantee this lady is not sleeping topless tonight!

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