We moved to a new city far away from all our friends, P, C and I... and ONE month later whammo I was pregnant with F! She was planned, we were really happy to add her to our family, but then 4 weeks I kid you not, into the pregnancy I was already sick! the sickness lasted well into the 6th month of my pregnancy. I didn't know ANYONE! C had only just turned one a few months before the move, so he wasn't really able to do ANYTHING on his own, and P was working so he wasn't around to help much.
We moved from a 3 bedroom house with a big back yard and 2 car garage into a 2 bedroom apartment, it was a tough move, and we had a lot of things that just had no place, like a washing machine that we attempted to sell on craiglist but it never went (thank goodness cause we later needed it). The apartment was dark and depressing, I was dark and depressed... hardly ever seeing anyone but P, and always caring for C! I didn't know I was depressed though.. does that sound odd?
2nd trimester I started feeling a little better but not enough to say morning sickness had left, and started to make friends. I really only have 1 that I feel comfortable sharing everything with even now. I missed my closse friends, they were like family where we had come from. My healthcare provider argued with me and fought every decision I made regarding my own care. And then sex became difficult and painful... I mean not just the normal uncomfortable cause your belly is huge, but about an hour after having it I'd be in so much pain I couldn't sit or stand comfortably for more than a few minutes at a time. I'm so thankful that God heard my prayers and that stopped after I got into the 3rd trimester.
Then came my due date, the fake one (my provider's date), then the real one (the one I knew was right), and I started contracting and dialating, but not enough in my mind to warrant going to the hospital. I had an appointment that day though... and thinking I'd be going home I brought NONE of the things I'd carefully packed in my labor bag.
The Nonstress test turned out VERY stressful because they told me my fluid levels were high that I was contracting, already dialated to 4cm and they said "If you go home now your water could break, baby's cord will prolapse and she will die before you get back to the hospital". They scared me into staying. I felt trapped.
They swept my membranes every 2 hours to 'keep things going' and at midnight I was tired and just wanted to go to sleep but they decided i wasn't progressing and needed my water broken... enter imediate c-section. And since I am super woman and don't do epidurals in child birth I got to feel them cut me. Someone said that I probably passed out because of the shock and fear and pain... I think they were right, I know the meds couldn't have worked that fast.. or well i don't think they could. I just don't remember anything after my nursed pushed a mask over my face and announced to the other people in the room that I was crying and could feel 'that'.
Recovery was fine, no hitches, F didn't latch though when i tried to breastfeed. I mean she tried, but didn't accomplish it, she lost weight before we left the hospital which was so different compared with my son who gained an ounce when he was dismissed. Our 1st appointment showed that she was nearly back to her birth weight, but all of the following appointments until she was almost 2 months showed she wasn't gaining weight.
The doctor told me that I was to pump and bottle feed, when asked how long before I could try to put her back to the breast her response was 'never'. So i pumped dilegently and increased my supply enough to get F off of all formula.
I've started trying to get her back to the breast but she isn't having it and I'm honestly too stressed to deal with it. Last night I tried one last effort, I snuggled her in bed without my shirt on.. everyone says that is the way to get them to 'like' the breast again... spend shirtless time with them. I HATE shirtless time and just don't feel comfortable running around topless with my two year old so it has been difficult to do during the day. But P got put on a new schedule and is gone all night so I brought F to bed with me and was so uncomfortable shirtless that I didnt really sleep until at 6am i was fed up with F's wiggling and having no shirt on so I put her in her bassinet and left her alone. We both slept great until 6:30am when C woke up!
So to recap, I cant breastfeed my daughter, hate pumping, am overwhelmed by my toddler, and overcome with PPD... and it is all miss F's fault... but not really.
I absolutely love this girl, I just wish she wasnt so difficult... such a girl!