Mommy and Me

Mommy and Me
Sharing life with you is fullfilling

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Blessed feels the same as tired.

I have been so busy for so long, and there seems to be an end somewhere, but I'm really not sure where... I feel BLESSED, but tired. 
Here is the run down of how life is going right now.

Last month I had 12 messenger bags to make before Thanksgiving, and then a trip to visit the hubby's family for the holiday... we celebrated Christmas with them on Saturday following Thankgiving, and it went really well.  I actually enjoyed it very much, then the long car ride home ended up taking the fewest hours possible which is AMAZING for having an 11 month old and a nearly 3 year old in the car.
Then we rested Sunday, sorry God, we couldn't do church after such a long night driving, but that is what Sunday is really for right?  Resting.  Monday time to crack the whip again, I need to get the suitcases unpacked, I'm feeling really great that I managed to go home with CLEAN laundry so I didn't have any extra to do when we arrived, just piled it all in the drawers!  Rearranged the entire living room because (as far as P knows) I wanted to put the tree where the t.v. was... but I also needed the space to put his gift in the livingroom once Christmas arrives.
Then I cleaned, then I shopped for fondant ingredients, whoops I missed one so there goes that plan!  So I pulled out the Christmas decorations to get going on that... gosh I'm missing some things.. where are the hooks to hang the lights outside?  Have to make a run to Wal-Mart.
Wal-Mart provided the hooks I needed, the ingredient I was missing, the doll that I bought F for Christmas last year and somehow lost and will now be giving her for her 1st Birthday... and two books for the book party we are having for her on Saturday of next week.
Tomorrow I have to pick up some material for two flowergirl dresses that I'm making for a wedding in Jan.  Then I have to get some dishwasher detergent, put my dishes in the washer, and make some cookies, decorate them with the fondant I made this afternoon (marshmallow fondant, I'm super excited about it!) and make some buttercream frosting to help the fondant stick to the cookies, and provided it works well I'll be making another batch of the fondant icing next wednesday to prepare for F's party on the following Saturday. 
We have a Christmas party to attend for P's squadron on Friday, F's birthday on the 10th, C's birthday party on the 17th, his actual birthday on the 21st, and Christmas on the 25th, then New Years Eve... and all the prep work in between. I'm happy, so happy that we have so much going on, it will keep my mind off from the uncertainty that is our future, but I'm so tired... I just need a day off... I'm about to go batty!
Lucky me P has a short week this week, he will work tomorrow, and then he'll have some training on Thursday and no work on Friday!  YAY!
And break... cause laundry is done, and I have blankets to put on my bed and I'm going to sleep...

Monday, November 21, 2011

This is the life I live.

The life I live is in an uproar!  P got the test results back from his E5 exam, and there are things about to happen that will totally change everything I've known in my married life forever.  Not of course in a bad way, or an unbearable way, but more like in a uncertain of anything that is happening to us way.
The result of the test was that the Navy will no longer be using him... we are OUT.  So since marriage I've been a navy wife, now I'm a civilian wife, but wait... civilians NEVER call themselves civilians.. they are people with lives outside of the military, they never think about the military unless it effects them some how...
Well since we are not going to be a military family anymore that means that we lose our house, our income, P's job, and our medical coverage.  SHOOT our medical coverage?!? 
Before making that cut did the military consider that they have my daughter on like 5 medications right now?  EEK!  We never thought about the possibility that we'd NEED that coverage for more than just emergencies.  But even if we had thought of it we would have been in the same boat. 
So what will we do now?  I guess be normal people with normal jobs, and go back to Oklahoma.  San Diego was never our cup o' joe anyway, too expensive.  So now we are house hunting, job hunting, and finance figuring. 
You may be wondering how this all ties into the whole theme of my blog, my journey to emotional healing for this darn c-section and the trauma I experienced because of it... well it doesn't, except that I actually think that this is pretty small beans compared to that sort of anguish.  Maybe a horrible c-section makes it easier not to sweat the small stuff.. (even if this event really does transform my entire life from here on out).
The plan: 
1. Find a house in Oklahoma
2. make sure it is liveable and in our price range
3. Move into it
4. Find Patrick a job (this one is not necessarily in order of occurance)
5. Live happily ever after.
I think it is!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Still kicking

Its been a long time, and honestly it's because I got help (and because for a while in there I had no internet, but not the whole time).  Still though, it isn't gone, my memories are going to last forever, and I'm concerned still that the way I feel about my daughter's birth will effect our relationship forever.  I don't know, and I'm taking all the action possible to save her from feeling like she somehow is to blame.  She's too little right now to even know the difference but one day she's going to ask about her birth, and the way I tell her is probably going to effect her in one way or another, I hope it doesn't effect her badly.
My own mother had the worst birth experience with me (out of all 6 children she birthed naturally), and it didn't effect me in a negative way, she told me the story and I somehow take pride in the fact that I had to be born different than everyone else.  But my mother's life wasn't altered because of my birth, mine has been.  The emotional pain that she felt did come over into our bonding experience, she was detached and said it took a long time for us to d have said "we have to do this to save your baby." and then felt entirely justified in their response because it was true, but my argument is that if they had not done a series of other things, or even just not broke my water in the first place, would they then need to save my baby's life?  I really don't think so, but even if they did, at least I would not be in the kind of pain I'm in now because of them.
I try so hard not to dwell on the woulda-coulda-shoulda's even if they are not my own, but it is difficult.  I tell myself daily that I'm ok, I survived and I will go on.
To be honest I'm starting to think about a baby again... even though I'm still far from actually being ready to get pregnant, I think I'm at a point now where I could birth another baby.  So little steps are happening, I'm not standing still... I'm kicking my way through this wall.