Its been a long time, and honestly it's because I got help (and because for a while in there I had no internet, but not the whole time). Still though, it isn't gone, my memories are going to last forever, and I'm concerned still that the way I feel about my daughter's birth will effect our relationship forever. I don't know, and I'm taking all the action possible to save her from feeling like she somehow is to blame. She's too little right now to even know the difference but one day she's going to ask about her birth, and the way I tell her is probably going to effect her in one way or another, I hope it doesn't effect her badly.
My own mother had the worst birth experience with me (out of all 6 children she birthed naturally), and it didn't effect me in a negative way, she told me the story and I somehow take pride in the fact that I had to be born different than everyone else. But my mother's life wasn't altered because of my birth, mine has been. The emotional pain that she felt did come over into our bonding experience, she was detached and said it took a long time for us to d have said "we have to do this to save your baby." and then felt entirely justified in their response because it was true, but my argument is that if they had not done a series of other things, or even just not broke my water in the first place, would they then need to save my baby's life? I really don't think so, but even if they did, at least I would not be in the kind of pain I'm in now because of them.
I try so hard not to dwell on the woulda-coulda-shoulda's even if they are not my own, but it is difficult. I tell myself daily that I'm ok, I survived and I will go on.
To be honest I'm starting to think about a baby again... even though I'm still far from actually being ready to get pregnant, I think I'm at a point now where I could birth another baby. So little steps are happening, I'm not standing still... I'm kicking my way through this wall.