Mommy and Me

Mommy and Me
Sharing life with you is fullfilling

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Reading and weeping.

I don't take switching churches lightly, and it is not for lack of support, but I'm contemplating asking my husband if I can attend another church for the sundays that he is not availible to help me.  The church I'm thinking of would be able to minister to me.  They have a full scale nursery and toddler room, I'd be able to drop both my children off to them and not have to keep F with me and juggle C while setting up parts of our children's ministry.
I have not been able to hear a sermon (though I sit in the service every week with the hope that I wont have to leave mid message) since I was pregnant for F, that was 5 months ago, and for that matter I didn't really get to sit in then either as I was attempting to launch a children's ministry that was just not budging.
Now the difficulty is that I am a leader in the ministry.  I did tell my superior (is that what you call them?) that I would be dropping all of my duties minus lesson planning for the near future because my focus needs to be on my family, and due to PPD I'm stressing too much over too many things to keep up with Children's church and not make my family my priority.  She seemed to take that alright, but now I'm facing the hard choice of dropping even that.  In the first place I just don't feel equiped to be doing it right now, but I keep thinking that I shouldn't be giving up.. but I also have been feeling like I need to be first and foremost a good mom, and I'm too overtasked to be that.  I'm an 'ok' mom, and that is all I'm able to be. 
I want to start structuring my days so that I have specific things I can do with C to help him learn his colors and letters, and get him the headstart he needs since he is not attending a preschool.  I know this is early but I'm not expecting anything from him, I'm just wanting to make learning fun, and introduce the concepts to him.
I feel like my life is a garden and the fruits and vegetables are my children, and my husband, and our home, and if I'm going to produce good things in my garden I have to get rid of some of the other items.  Weeds to be sure, but probably some flowers and trees too... that is the hard part.  The flowers and trees are good, but they are only flowers and fruitless trees, they are not producing anything for my children, my veggies and fruits... I sometimes feel like the lessons I'm planning for those other children (my son isn't in that class) are great for those children, but not good for my family, as they take away from my sleep and time spent with the kids and my husband, mostly my husband since I do them while the kids are sleeping.
So if I switched to this other church when P isn't around to help me I would be dropping the children's church lesson planning, I'd have to, but in return I'd be able to sit through a sermon and maybe even have the opportunity to open my bible and notebook (another thing I have not done since I had F).  If I were to hear a sermon I might learn something from it, and if I learned something from it then I might be encouraged, and if I gain encouragement I might be able to apply it to my house hold.
I used to think that the only way I could serve God was by serving the church, and I LOVE to do that, but lately I'm starting to think the best way I can serve God is to raise up my children to be like him, and I can't do that if I'm struggling to get them to church early so I can set up different things, greeting people at the door instead of cuddling my babies before service, and putting them in bed so I can put a lesson together and dragging my feet in the morning when I could be teaching them a new song or feeding them something more healthy than cereal every morning.
I was looking for guidance in my bible, and I found a few verses that spoke to me in proverbs, I don't know if they are leading me toward asking P if I can drop children's lessons or attend another church, but they encouraged me that my thoughts about our family are at least headed the right direction.
Proverbs 14:1 The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.
Am I building my house or tearing it down bit by bit when I'm stressed out and over tasking myself?
The other verse that I found is Proverbs 12:11  Those who til their land will have plenty of food, but those who follow worthless pursuits have no sense.
What is feeding me?  Is the pursuit of helping the church feeding me or not?  I'm not quiet sure yet... but the thought, the verse is rather interesting.. what things in my life are worthless?  Is it beneficial for me to do them?  They may be doing good in one area, but are they worth while for my family?  Will they provide food for my family? 
Just some food for thought... I should be seeing a counselor tomorrow, but I'm not sure, my 1st appointment has been rescheduled 2x's and the first woman assigned to my 'case' is now dropping it and handing it over to another woman, but I didn't get a chance to call her back until she was out of the office, so I have to wait to hear back from her to know if the 'tenative' appointment block she said she had availible will be one I get to utilize.  I am excited and scared... I've come within 10 minutes of this appointment twice and the second time I actually cried that it didn't happen so I'm nervous that it will be the same tomorrow and I don't want to hold out too much hope for it to actually happen.

The bigger the plan the harder the fail

I was overwhelmed yesterday just thinking of the monumental task that waited for me today.  I stayed up 30 minutes later than I should have because of my pumping schedule, and was worried that it would make this morning even more difficult.
I had no idea how today would go, all the things I worried about were fine.  after going to bed I actually got to sleep until 4am, That is the first time F has slept 7 hours straight!  Nevermind the fact that I didnt sleep for 7 hours, I was excited to wake up at 4am instead of 1:30am!  So after giving her a bottle I had already prepared for her I went back to bed.  And then right on schedule F woke me up with her playing at 6:30am, I actually jumped out of bed thinking it was much later than it was.  But since it was 6:30am I changed F's diaper and decided it was time to be awake.  this should give me plenty of time to be ready for church this morning!  P left for work 2 hours ago, and I'm on my own, extra time is welcome!
After the diaper change I gave F her cereal since I had no breastmilk to give her yet, she didnt do so well with it today, gagged a few times but didnt puke or anything so we were ok.  Then I got her dressed and medicated, and oiled up so she was glistening shiney (cant wait for her eczema to clear up, I really hope it will).  Then I put her in the pac n' play and took a shower, I knew C was up but really needed a shower and didnt trust him not to 'give' his sister a heavy dangerous toy while I was showering.  Once showered I got C up gave him breakfast and took F to her room pumped and then fed her the bottle, and laid her down for her morning nap.  C finished eating got down from the table and came to brush his teeth while I put my hair up.  Then since F was sleeping and i had a minute so I put on some make-up, the C pooped in his diaper we talked about how it goes in the potty, I changed him, then he insisted on wearing a tie (because mommy was) and I gave him one but had to chage his shirt, F woke up I scooped her up slipped my feet in some flip flops and grabbed my phone and went for my keys only to find that I had no idea where they were.  I checked the car and all my normal key dropping places, then I started checkin random places like cupboards and drawers... I can't find them! 
The last place I remember having them was in my back pocket, I'm actually wearing those pants today and I hung them up last night so I know they didn't fall out on the floor, and they are not in my pocket now (the coin I took from C yesterday is there, but no keys). 
Then my temper started coming on.  Amazingly quick actually.  I sent a text to P to ask if he knew where they were, he didn't respond so I called, he didn't answer, I searched some more, called again, no answer, searched some more.. Prayed, and still couldn't find them.. then I needed to tell someone about my distress so I put it on facebook.. and two people 'liked' my comment.. probably because they can relate, but that just made me want to cry... so I did.
C started acting up because he was all ready to go but we were not leaving, and I over reacted and yelled at him, I must have been rather scary cause I've only ever seen him respond the way he did when his dad gets mad and impatient with him.  I left the room for a good amount of time to try to calm down but the fact that I couldn't find my keys just followed me around the house... taunting me about how I was not going to make it to church, how they were counting on me because I have the speakers in my car for children's church, how i had put ALL THAT EFFORT into getting there and now I was failing because of something simple like keys.  Eventually I realized that C was not around so I returned to the last place I saw him, and there he was laying on the floor just like I'd left him... poor boy.. I felt bad and gave him a hug and explained that mommy was just really frustrated. 
A few minutes went by and I'm still sitting here thinking "where did I put them?"  and C walks up and steps on something and announces that he is doing so, and I tell him that it will break if he stands on it and he just smiles, OH CHILD!  I tell him to GO... SIT DOWN!!!  and he cries a little whimper, I've scared him again, a few minutes later I turn around and he is sitting on the couch zoned out entirely.. I feel incredibly bad... Poor little boy I'm totally screwing you up!  This is my hyperactive, cheerful two year old, and he has laid on the floor for about 5 minutes because mommy hurt his feelings, and then sat on the couch because mommy told him to but is doing it in such an quiet unusual way.  Bad mommy! 
I still can't find the keys, put a movie in for C and put F back down to sleep since 10 mins is not enough time for a nap... I guess we are staying home today!
I know they are here somewhere, I did have them yesterday, I guess I just have even more reason to clean my house today!  Like I needed more reasons!

Friday, May 13, 2011

27 Candles

Today I celebrated my 27th birthday, it is incredible, a few months ago I felt like 27 was old.. ask me whether I felt like 30 was scary and you'd have been surprized to learn that 30 doesn't scare me at all, but for some reason 27 did.  Today though I feel like I am more capable than ever to embrace 27!
A baby boy was born today, my best friend delivered her son on my birthday.. maybe that is part of the reason that I'm ok with it, or maybe it is that he was born at 10:27am and is exactly 27 years younger than me!  Ok, that was a random thought and I only just now thought of the odd coincidence so probably not the reason I'm ok with my age.  I know that I've been the mother of two for 5 months now, but it seems to me that today that is exactly where I want to be.  What I mean to say is that 27 seems the perfect age for me to have such a wonderful family.  27 seems the perfect age to watch my daughter take her first steps (since they will likely happen sometime before I turn 28) 27 seems the perfect age to Love me. 
Probably all this good mood is the benefit of having a really great birthday.  My son brought me a diaper today and like he has every day since mother's day he said "Happy Berfday mommy" a diaper seemed a perfect present from the boy who is doing so well getting potty trained (regardless of how long it has taken us to get to this point).  He got to blow out the candle on my icecream (yes I said ice cream and not cake) at the restaurant we went to... I video'd it all... 27 seems the perfect age to have been married to a wonderful husband for 4 years, 27 seems to be an age I can 'fit'  I never fit 16, 18, 21, or even 25.  the last time I felt like I 'fit' my age was when I was 24.  I still sometimes feel like I am 24, but today I feel 27.  I like the feel of fitting where I am.
I like the feel of knowing that tomorrow I will be able to look at my two children, and my husband and know that I am loved, I like the feel of the facts that are infront of me.
I do still have worries though, scares, or frets if you will.  Simple things make me worry.  Like tomorrow.  I'm scared of tomorrow.  I know that I've had a wonderful day today, and that tomorrow is going to be 'another day'.  P is going to go to work, C and F and I will be home, doing... nothing.  And tomorrow is Saturday, the day everyone else will be doing 'something'.  There wont be anyone to visit, there wont be anything special to do, and I'll face the reality that sometimes I'm alone.  luckily all those thoughts will probably pass at about 1:30pm when my husband walks through the door done with work for the day.  I'm scared that tomorrow I'll return to the bad me.  the one that doesn't have anything exciting happening, the one that is stressed out over her house being dirty and kids not having had baths in WAY longer than they should have gone but bath water makes me nervous.
I'm worried that tomorrow I'll be suffering from PPD, like I was yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that.  See exciting days that pull me away from the panic in my brain make the days where I have to face my own thoughts again scary.  I love exciting days, but I hate when they end. who doesn't hate the end of a great day though right?
I do remember once upon a time at the end of a particularly good day I would put on my nicest pjs, sink my body into my bed, curl up with my husband (or way back when I was single a pillow or stuffed animal) and just breathe a sigh of contentment and lull myself to sleep thinking about the great day I just had.  But now it isn't the memories of a great day that will come to me as I lay down my head for the night.. it is the worry of tomorrow.  And what honestly is there to worry about tomorrow?  My kids are healthy, my house is still standing, my dogs are still friendly and alive, I'm doing great, my water runs, my electricity is on... and yet.... tomorrow will come whether I go to sleep or not... so here is to the effort of sleep tonight and the prayer that Fia will let me get some good sleep. 
And my prayer tonight will sound like this:
Lord THANK YOU for today, please help me to be more than happy to be blessed with tomorrow, keep me sane and friendly for my children, and bless my husband with the rest he needs tonight.  And if the worst of days should happen tomorrow, please grant me the peace of mind that I need to make it through without scarring my children with my mental incapacities.  Amen.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

There is something nasty and brown on my fan this morning.

Yesterday I realized how badly my attitude and mood in general affect my whole household.  My husband has had 3 moments in our marriage of 4 years where he did not keep his temper.  Unfortunately when this happens things get broken, and he isn't as careful as possible around the kids. So yesterday a few things got thrown and a chair got smashed to bits, absolutely to bits! And it was all because he is under so much stress regarding me!
I was scared, both our kids nearly got hit, even though I could tell that he wasn't trying to hit either of them with the flying things, he just lost control. 
There is a lot of pressure on the poor man!  His wife is having emotional issues and isn't able to give him much affection lately, his job is on the chopping block, his pastor said that sleep should be his last priority and taking pressure off of me his first (I should mention that this is NOT how our family works and P put undue pressure on himself to be availible to me when he normally would be taking a nap.)  It is important in our house that P gets a nap, he just doesn't function as well off of the amount of sleep I do.  And honestly SOMEONE better be getting enough sleep in this house!
In the moment I grabbed both the kids and walked out the door, loaded C's into the carseat and realized I had left F's seat in the house and my keys were there too... I didn't even get a chance to go get them because P had some out and taken C out of the carseat.  C wasn't scared, he was just asking why daddy broke a chair, I on the other hand was terrified and shaking.  The thing is, I wasn't scared that I was in an abusive relationship, or that P would hurt any of us... because those are two things that I'm sure of... I'm NOT in danger, and neither are my children.  I have moments of explosion and I can't blame P for having one too... What I was scared of was that it wasn't over yet.  I didn't want all of us to be 'in the way' while he was having his tantrum.  I took C from P and took both kids to C's bedroom and sat on the bed.  C started to cry, and F was already crying, she is the reason the whole event happened.  P was at that point much calmer, he came in agter us and sat on the floor on the oposite side of the room.  F would not stop crying and I was really shaken up and P said he was tired, I told him to go have a nap and he said "no not that kind of tired, I'm tired of tip toeing around you wondering what will set you off."
I did not have the ability to answer so I just said "I'm going for a drive, you are welcome to come if you like", scooped up the kids and headed back out the door, I have never seen P get his shoes on so quickly, I think he was scared we wouldnt come back if he let us go without him.  He was totally embaressed and very upset with himself.  He agree'd he needed a code word to let me know when he is loosing it, and a better way to vent than to destroy things. I think a punching bag may be finding its way to our house soon.
Today I was supposed to have a counselor come to the house for our first appointment and she called to say she needed to reschedule as she may need to go to the doctor.  I would like to say that I asked if she was ok but I was actually trying not to cry that I've waited as long as I have and am still not getting the help everyone agrees I need.  My therapist appointment isnt until the 19th, and I need to talk to someone soon!
On other news F has decided that formula is gross and wont eat it unless she is starving, but my milk supply just isnt great enough to meet all her needs... I dont know what I'm going to do about that.  Possibly start her on some cereal or something and hope it fills the gap that the 4-6 oz I cant get her would have filled.
Oh the joys!  I still have to clean some of the crap off the fan from yesterdays explosion... but hey that may take some time.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

My legs said NO!

Today's status... NOT GOOD.
Yesterday F took a 4.5hour nap, since she had no other naps all day I thought this would be ok..
I put her down at 9pm (as soon as I was able to get her asleep) and she slept until about 11pm and then woke up, I fed her a bottle and she went back to sleep, I prepared a 2nd bottle pumped and went to bed, at 1:15 she woke up this is way to early!  from that point until 4am i was up with her every hour, she would go back to sleep really easily, not eating very much but just waking for some reason.  At 4am I decided she felt warm so I switched the blanket she was swaddled with and fed her again this time she ate the whole bottle whereas before it took her waking every hour to eat the whole thing.  After her bottle she fell asleep I put her in her crib as normal and went to bed. 
It took her 30mins to eat, and it took me another 30mins to fall asleep, why?  who knows!
So at about 5am I finally fell asleep and C wakes up at 6:58am saying he needs to go potty, I would have ordinarily let him figure it out himself but before bed last night he insisted on wearing zip up pjs that I know he can't get off alone... so i go to him, help him get undressed he goes potty, I make him breakfast and sit him at the table, this all probably took 10mins, I go back to bed, P gets up and like a wonderful husband takes care of C letting me rest.
The thing is, P only woke up once during that whole long night, and that was when my legs said NO!  At 4am I got up just like all the other times, only this time exhausted and drained of all energy I took maybe three steps and both my legs at the same time decided they couldn't hold my weight and I fell.  I have an upside down milkcrate sitting in the corner to hold some plugged in items until we can get something nicer to put there, and I landed on the corner of it and gave myself a pretty little bruise on my upper thigh.
P came to my rescue helping me stand, and then I managed to get that third bottle for F and go to her bed, I assumed it would be like the other times where she would drink a tiny bit and fall asleep, so I stood beside her crib feeding her bottle to her and P came and rubbed my back for a bit, but then he left and I realized I'd be standing there awhile so I picked up F and went to the rocking chair where I barely stayed awake for the next 30mins while feeding her.
Then as I mentioned before I went back to bed but couldn't fall asleep.

Now P did give me that extra rest but he always has to have a nap before going to work... so after C woke me up because P went to the bathroom and he couldn't find him, I decided that I should at least get up to pump and perhaps go back to bed a little while longer, but P said he wanted to get a nap like usual I explained that I needed to pump and he said "well I'll just have a short one then" meaning he'd stay with C until I finished pumping.... grrr.. I'm so tired!
After talking to or rather grunting responses to P I realized he had no idea how little sleep I got last night.  So he probably would have let me sleep longer if I had explained better, but honestly I'm not in the mood to explain anything to anyone!
I cried when he was about to leave for work, nothing I said made any sense I know that.  I said "I just want to use the bathroom without an audience, I want to get dressed without a croud, I want to sleep." pause "I am tired!  My leg has a bruise" pause "F isnt' going to nap today, C better not have eczema, I can't handle my life."  He kissed me asked if I was mad at him and I grunted a no, cause I am honestly not, but I didn't want to give into my emotions so I barely kissed him back. he held me a moment and then left for work.  I cried.
Then I yelled at C and put him in his room for not being quiet while I was trying to put F down for a nap that she has no interest in taking. I finally got her to close her eyes and was about to put her in the crib when C started banging on his door.. F didn't wake up while I put her down but by the time I got to his room she was... I was so ticked that when I opened his door and he said "Mommy I go potty some more!" I growled "good job, but when Mommy puts you in your room it isn't so you can go potty it is so you will be quiet while sister tries to fall asleep."  Normally no matter how angry I am C doesn't give a hoot about stuff, this time he started to cry... which saddly didn't phase me.  I told him to give me a hug and pull up his underwear and go lay down in bed because it was naptime.  I dumped the potty chair, got him his paci and skittle and covered him up then went to deal with Miss F AGAIN... I'm so tired!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


I think I should spend more time focusing on the good.  At first just realizing that I had PPD and that I'd be ok was a good shot.. I mean I felt like I wasn't as bad at being a mom as I felt I was, and that there was an actual reason behind my irrational reactions to things...
but now I don't know is it an excuse for me?  I don't think so, but I also don't want it to become one... you know like someone asks you a question and you blow up and then quickly retract everything by saying "I have PPD." That hasn't happened but it is an example of what I think might one day happen.
Today was an awesome day.  It had some really horrible hours, but it also had some really great ones.
Normally I host a not so great playgroup at my house on Tuesdays, not to say that the people who come are not great, but that I'm not great at hosting and that people don't come on a regular basis. 
Today I woke up feeling exhausted.. I wonder why, I've had probably 12 hours of sleep in the past four days and granted i did get about 5 hours total last night, that leaves 6 to spread out over 3 days.  So I'm exhausted.  I feel like my house got the flu and vomitted in every room.  The livingroom is a mixture of dog hair and toys, and an extra swing for F since I found one at a garage sale to replace the one that doesn't really work, but have not found the time or the place to put the other one somewhere else.
the Diningroom got a through cleaning the other day (how hard is that? I just moved the dishes to the kitchen swept the floor and washed the table, then got smart and put a table cloth on it so that I didn't have to wash it again this week) but now I need to do it again.
the Kitchen has dishes on every counter, and I have a very large kitchen.  There is also trash everywhere, and random articles of toddler clothing and dog hair on the floor  eww!
The hallway even has a collection of nastyness.
The office has yet to be made into an office so it goes without saying it is gross.. keep that door closed please.
F and C's rooms just got put together (finished painting and got new furniture for them) so they are doing ok but need to be vacumed too.
My room.. it is never clean. P doesn't know the use of a laundry basket and I have yet to figure out how to wash our clothes.. I mean does the washer actually wash adult clothing, I'm pretty sure it is only meant for toddler's who still pee on themselves and infants who puke and have diaper blowouts... am I wrong?
Anyway this is the long version of why I decided that we should all go to some free museums today.  Every Tuesday they have free ones, and I was really excited to take C to the model train museum.  So i sent out a text message to all who have ever shown interest (though only a few have come) in our playgroup and received a few responses from people saying they were not coming.  Sent out a 2nd text to ask those who were coming to please respond so I knew who to look for at the museum, and never got a response, but I really wanted to go so I just went... and of course no one showed. 
I was initially sad, but then got over it and C and I had a great time, until I had to drag him crying out of the museum to use the potty because he had pooped in his diaper.  Then we went back in and  we had a great time again, and to get him to leave I asked if he wanted to go see some dinasaurs at another free museum, so we happily went to the next one.  He loved that one as well.
F was begining to get pretty fussy and tired and C was worn out too, but so interested that he was not ready to go home when I forced him out the door. 
He got over it quickly as we came closer to this huge fountain and he saw kids playing in it.  I let him put his hands in until I saw a little girl bending down really funny like and then peeing in the fountain.. YUCK!  I would have pointed this out to her parents except that I had no idea who she was there with.
So I pulled C back from the fountain and went toward the car and he had a total melt down!  EHHH.. was I crazy to try taking these two out today?
F is screaming in her carseat, it is hot and she is tired, C is crying in his carseat he is hot and tired, I'm seriously craving a smoothy, and I'm about to lose my mind.  I feed a tiny bit of bottle to F while sitting in our car and then carefully take it away and success, she fell asleep.  I gave C his peanut butter and jelly sandwich that I had cleverly packed, and he was happy holding it but not eating it.
We drove on.
I really wanted a smoothie!  I should also mention I hate McDonalds.  but they advertise really nice looking smoothies so I decided to go to the one down the road from our house.  I also decided that IF F was sleeping we would go inside (I could just bring her in in her carseat and hope she stayed asleep) I would take C in to play on the play thing they have.  it was perfect, she was asleep, I pulled C out of the car and was about to get F when the sun shown in her eyes and she woke up... i decided I'd take C in anyway cause I'd already gotten him out of the car.  F wasn't too unhappy anyway, we should be alright... right?  WRONG.
I ordered some food and my smoothy, gave C his pb&j for the third time and shared my fries with him, giving him sips of the smoothie once in awhile.
He played on the plaything and twice climbed up and was too 'saired' to come down.  Even though he loves slides and there was one right there.  I ended up climbing in that thing 3 times, the 1st one because he put something in his mouth... yuck!  (normally I'm ok with him doing gross things, but eating something that I don't know what it is inside a plaything just didn't sit well. And then there were the 2 rescue trips too.  I forced him to go down the slide with me because getting up was hard enough, going down looked impossible.  Glad i wasn't pregnant for this!
Once down on the ground I had the unfortunate opportunity to smell another nasty diaper from this supposedly potty training child.  (something must be going through our house, everyone but me is coughing and has sore throats and we all have the same nasty smelling poo...sorry for the TMI)
So I drag a kicking and screaming C into the bathroom with a poopy F and am attempting to change her diaper when he starts crying louder which kicks off F and she starts crying.. I swear they look nothing alike but their cry is exactly the same!  I can just imagine what the other mom's in the play area were thinking of our dramatic noises coming from the bathroom!  I finished with F and C discovered a new kind of potty, the urinal!  He insisted on peeing there... but it was too tall for him, so I had to hold him up, but there was no place to put F because the stupid designers who put a kid urinal in the family bathroom put it right under the changing table!  So I laid out F's blanket and laid her on the floor (at least the floor wasn't wet!) she was still screaming bloody murder and even more so now that I put her down.  C couldn't pee with me holding him, but insisted on trying... I finally gave up and forced him onto the regular toilet.  He went.. and I had to feign excitement when really I was just wishing I was at home and they would 'just go to sleep'.  We high fived and cheered, I put a new diaper on his bottom and scooped up F from the floor (I really should have brought her carseat into the bathroom but I really thought I could just strap her into the changing table like I normally do.)  Then I tell C before leaving the bathroom that we have to make sister happy, how can we do that?  Does she need a nap?  he decides yes, and then I ask where does sister sleep? he says home, and I say are you ready to go home so we can put F to bed?  he says yes... little liar.  I tell him to go get his shoes, and he seems to be listening until he makes a quick beeline for that tower that he has already made me climb three times!  I grab him before he can go anywhere, chug my smoothy and attack him with his shoes simultaniously (after putting F in her carseat but not strapping her down.)  Then I strap F in pick her up and grab both the diaper bag and the toddler's hand before he can dash to the tower again and we exit as quickly as possible!
RARRRR!  why do good days have to end this way?  with me breathing in and out as slow as possible explaining things extra nicely (so I don't explode) and the kids acting up even more than they normally do?  or is it my imagination that it was more because I'm so stressed by them?
It was a full day, I shouldn't have tried McD's but I really wanted that smoothie and thought if F was sleeping C would love the playground... oh well lesson learned!

Just go to sleep

These are the words that run through my head ALL DAY AND NIGHT.  "Just go to sleep!"  We'll start at 7am, this is the hour that C wakes up, and I think 'it is too early I have not slept yet, just go back to sleep C!" but it isn't early, this is when he always wakes up.
10am F needs a nap but is still learning how to fall asleep on her own, I'm thinking "just go to sleep, how hard can it be, stop playing with your stuffy leave your paci in your mouth and close your eyes!"  yeah she's a baby i can't expect that much from her I know.
12:30pm C's nap time, and he wont do anything I asked him to do, I'm exhausted and I just keep thinking 'if you go to sleep then I can have a nap cause F is still asleep, but I can't go to sleep till you do cause you keep calling me and saying "mommy I go potty some more!" and wanting your stupid skittle!"
1pm, C is asleep at last and F has woken up.. "just go back to sleep!  Mommy wanted a nap!"
3pm C is awake an F is about to go down for nap # 2 if she hasn't already, and I'm thinking "just go to sleep F"
5pm they are both awake... "just wanna go to sleep.... " picture dragging feet and sleepy eyes on my part.
7pm F needs another nap "just go to sleep child!"
8pm C needs to go to sleep but even though I brushed his teeth washed his face sat him on the potty gave him is skittle and put him in bed with clean jammies and undies (read diaper), and read him a story I'm standing at his door telling him "It is time to go to sleep, don't call mommy in here again."
9pm F still hasn't fallen asleep when she was supposed to at 7pm "just go to sleep child!"
10pm, F is finally sleeping and I'm dragging my feet even more and tripping over everything, and wanting to 'just go to sleep' but I have to pump at 11pm so I can't.
11pm Finally get to pump and P is home from work or got home not long ago, and he wants my attention (which I gladly give him) and then realize I 'just want to go to sleep!'
12am I'm finally in bed, eyes closed and sweetly breathing and F wakes up for her nightly feeding that usually happens around this time.
12:30, I guess I don't just think it at this point, I do it.
2:30am F is awake for another feeding, I think she is going through a growth spurt this is an hour earlier than normal. I just want to go to sleep!
3:00am I manage to stumble back to bed and fall asleep.
5:30am F is awake again... feed the bottle, pray she eats a little faster this time, I just want to go to sleep.
6:00am finally in bed once more!
7:00am C is awake, this is the hour that C wakes up, and I think 'it is too early I have not truly slept yet, just go back to sleep C!" but it isn't early, this is when he always wakes up.


Facebook has a way of making you feel things that you might not otherwise feel simply because you are exposed to so many other people's oppinions and thoughts.
Today I read a status that was talking about child abuse... my thoughts were so different from what I'm sure they were supposed to be.  The status was a story about a child who told it's mother that she had colored on the bedsheets with lipstick, and the mother beat the child to unconsciousness and then realized what she had done and pleaded with the baby to open it's eyes but it was too late, the child had died.  And then she see's that the child had written "mommy I love you" on the sheets.
Not only does it make me want to cry, just flat out bawl my eyes out, but it makes me think of PPD.  People who beat their children this badly are not just ill-informed, they are sick.  I mean they really have a problem that has been passed by probably several times, no one recognized a person's cry for help.  Have you walked by a man with both his hands on his forehead looking up to the sky or down to the ground, have you thought 'my that lady looks stressed out' as you passed a woman with three kids and a shopping cart in the grocery store, or thought about all the issues your co-worker is having at work and how it might effect their home life or vs. versa? 
Most people compose themselves really well in public, and when they get home they feel either safe to relieve the pressure, or they are just so pent up inside that they explode without thinking when they get home.  If you see someone that looks honestly stressed in public think what must be happening at home!
I don't spank C very often but occassionally I do, and I don't have any gull about it when I do, but I have honestly had moments where I knew I was going to lose control if I gave into that sort of punishment, so I decided not to even go there, instead I put C in his room and go find an opportunity to relax in some way, though it rarely works.
Do I feel bad for the babies who have died because of parents without the proper tools to handle their frustration?  YES, absolutely, but do I feel bad for the parent who not only has to live with this guilt, but will probably do so in prison?  EVEN MORE.  They need help, it is an extremely rare thing to hear of a parent who wanted to harm their child.. I mean when they settled down and realized what had happened didn't feel guilty about it... it just doesn't happen, we are built to love these little bundles, with large eyes and wobbly walking habits... we don't mean to hurt them!  Everyone is guilty of accidentally hurting someone else one time or another in our lives.  I wonder if people think about the reasons behind the actions.
Has that woman been struggling with PPD for the last 3 years undiscovered, has she felt like she was a horrible mother and couldn't handle this life, like she wasn't made to stay at home with a child who clings to her constantly?  Has she broken inside thinking that not only was it the worst thing ever to have had this baby, but how much she loves him/her, and how she feels trapped, but she wouldn't want to have anyone else have the child because they have infact given her a lot of joy... has she dreamed for years of being a mom only to discover that she sucks at the job?
All of those negative thoughts are rarely true, but has she told anyone about them or is she suffering in silence, putting on a smile and painting her face so no one knows how guilty she is or how bad she is at getting this mothering thing down?
I want to weep for the mom who would break to that length and hurt her child.
Confession, I threw a basket (nothing harmful in it) at the wall, the basket had the cord to our lamp inside and I didn't know, the lamp fell on my baby!  I trust myself a little less now.  But at least I'm getting help... how many people out there feel like there is no help, like they made the bad choice and now they have to live with it.

Monday, May 2, 2011

News from the Phone front

Last night was torture!  I went to bed at 11:45pm as per my pumping schedule, and F had just had a bottle 45mins prior and I was really exhausted having not gotten much sleep the night before.  Then sometime (don't know what time since I have no clock in my room) between going to bed and 3:30am she had another bottle, seemed a bit early but within the realm of normal, problem was she wouldn't go back to sleep after the bottle, she just did this really fussy annoying move and hit the bassinet and keep mommy awake junk.
I finally decided that I wasn't getting any sleep and there was no reason to keep my husband who is sick awake all night I'd take F  to the livingroom and let her play awhile and then go back to sleep, it usually works great and only lasts an hour...
I ended up staying awake with her from 3:30am to 5:15am, P woke up once and had a hard time getting back to sleep with all the noice F was making, and then had to be up for the day at 6am, so his alarm woke me but luckily F slept through it since I'd finally gotten her to sleep again.  Then at 6:15am I must have heard P leaving cause I woke up again.  Then 6:50am C woke up.  I put him to the table with breakfast turned on Shrek and went back to bed.. I got a little sleep and C woke me up twice once in the middle and once at the end of the movie.  Then P got home from his dentist appt. and F woke up, no more sleep for mommy!
Then I thought I got lucky with the naps but it didnt' turn out for me... :(
I did however get C into a new big boy bed, F into her crib (they are both asleep now and I have to wake them to go see daddy) and a phone call from both my insurance and another counseling program and I'm good to be seen by both my referal place and the other place for free!  mental health here I come.. gosh that makes me sound crazy!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Oh the Ups and Downs!

So I'm pretty sure I live on a rollarcoaster!
Today I woke up late because I was exhausted because F hasn't been sleeping well lately, but I managed to pump and take a shower anyway!  I so needed that shower!  I'm honestly not getting more than 1 a week right now.. YUCK!
Anyway, before the shower I was exhausted and a tiny bit overwhelmed, but I dealt very well with it told P what I was doing and what he would need to do in order to get out the door in time, and he did a FABULOUS job!  Over the top GREAT!  he even packed my pump, which I wasn't planning to bring but actually needed to, but just didn't want to deal with it.
After my shower being that I was finally clean and P had done such a wonderful job with getting things ready for me I was in a very good mood and much more relaxed... then we got in the car.
It was hot, not too hot since it was still early, but hot enough to make me wish it were not... and then the gas light turned on, and then we realized we had forgotten something at home and things just sort of piled in my fragile mind.  We got over the tiny hurdles, turned on the AC, grabbed the thing we forgot, filled up the tank and were on our way.  When we arrived we didn't have much to do as I had told the leaders that I needed to take a break.. so I actually got to focus most of my attention on my children, which oddly enough at church I don't get to do most sundays!  It is sort of refreshing to me to be mom at church as well as at home.
Then P got a text that essentially said "you are being called in, get your butt to work NOW!"  yay for being on call!  And my little world crashed again.  At first I thought "I can drop him off and just go to the beach or shop for a little bit while we wait to find out whether he has to stay or not... but then I realized P didn't have his uniform and was not clean shaven so he had to go back home, which meant I had to go home, which meant I had to stay home.. since I had no reason to drive all the way to the beach or a store.
So P left for work and C went down for a nap as F woke up from one!  I didn't get any nap.. poor tired me!  Then when C woke up and F needed to go down again and would not i sort of just exploded and packed everyone in the car though I had no idea where I was going to go.  I ended up calling some friends and asking if I could crash at their house for a change of scenery they said yes, so I did.  It was a perfect plan, and worked out really great.
When we got home C got to play outside and use up some energy, and learn to ride his bike slightly better.  F just laid in the stroller while I pushed C around on the sidewalk in front of the house.  Then we came inside and I had C help me set the table, this is the first time he'd ever done it and he did great!  We had hotdogs and corn on the cob and sliced strawberries, and C got to put the mayo and ketchup on his own bread, he totally loved that he got to 'help' do these things!  Then it was bedtime! 
There were several ups and downs during this time, but looking back it seems more like ups than downs, so my plan of getting out of the house at that peak moment when I thought I'd beat someone down was a good plan.. but I actually know that had I been made angry on the road I might not have acted in the best manor.. which really does scare me into staying home during some of my 'episodes'...
On a good note I can call my insurance tomorrow and they should have my dr.'s referal so I should be able to find out who to make an appointment with to get to a therapist.  I actually hope but am highly doubtful that I will see someone at a different hospital than the one F was born at.... that is where most of my referals end up and I just don't want to talk to someone about the issues I had at that hospital that lead to my delivery and c-section for F.  I guess if I have to maybe it will make a difference in someone else's care in the future.
Good night... maybe tonight I'll get some sleep?