I think I should spend more time focusing on the good. At first just realizing that I had PPD and that I'd be ok was a good shot.. I mean I felt like I wasn't as bad at being a mom as I felt I was, and that there was an actual reason behind my irrational reactions to things...
but now I don't know is it an excuse for me? I don't think so, but I also don't want it to become one... you know like someone asks you a question and you blow up and then quickly retract everything by saying "I have PPD." That hasn't happened but it is an example of what I think might one day happen.
Today was an awesome day. It had some really horrible hours, but it also had some really great ones.
Normally I host a not so great playgroup at my house on Tuesdays, not to say that the people who come are not great, but that I'm not great at hosting and that people don't come on a regular basis.
Today I woke up feeling exhausted.. I wonder why, I've had probably 12 hours of sleep in the past four days and granted i did get about 5 hours total last night, that leaves 6 to spread out over 3 days. So I'm exhausted. I feel like my house got the flu and vomitted in every room. The livingroom is a mixture of dog hair and toys, and an extra swing for F since I found one at a garage sale to replace the one that doesn't really work, but have not found the time or the place to put the other one somewhere else.
the Diningroom got a through cleaning the other day (how hard is that? I just moved the dishes to the kitchen swept the floor and washed the table, then got smart and put a table cloth on it so that I didn't have to wash it again this week) but now I need to do it again.
the Kitchen has dishes on every counter, and I have a very large kitchen. There is also trash everywhere, and random articles of toddler clothing and dog hair on the floor eww!
The hallway even has a collection of nastyness.
The office has yet to be made into an office so it goes without saying it is gross.. keep that door closed please.
F and C's rooms just got put together (finished painting and got new furniture for them) so they are doing ok but need to be vacumed too.
My room.. it is never clean. P doesn't know the use of a laundry basket and I have yet to figure out how to wash our clothes.. I mean does the washer actually wash adult clothing, I'm pretty sure it is only meant for toddler's who still pee on themselves and infants who puke and have diaper blowouts... am I wrong?
Anyway this is the long version of why I decided that we should all go to some free museums today. Every Tuesday they have free ones, and I was really excited to take C to the model train museum. So i sent out a text message to all who have ever shown interest (though only a few have come) in our playgroup and received a few responses from people saying they were not coming. Sent out a 2nd text to ask those who were coming to please respond so I knew who to look for at the museum, and never got a response, but I really wanted to go so I just went... and of course no one showed.
I was initially sad, but then got over it and C and I had a great time, until I had to drag him crying out of the museum to use the potty because he had pooped in his diaper. Then we went back in and we had a great time again, and to get him to leave I asked if he wanted to go see some dinasaurs at another free museum, so we happily went to the next one. He loved that one as well.
F was begining to get pretty fussy and tired and C was worn out too, but so interested that he was not ready to go home when I forced him out the door.
He got over it quickly as we came closer to this huge fountain and he saw kids playing in it. I let him put his hands in until I saw a little girl bending down really funny like and then peeing in the fountain.. YUCK! I would have pointed this out to her parents except that I had no idea who she was there with.
So I pulled C back from the fountain and went toward the car and he had a total melt down! EHHH.. was I crazy to try taking these two out today?
F is screaming in her carseat, it is hot and she is tired, C is crying in his carseat he is hot and tired, I'm seriously craving a smoothy, and I'm about to lose my mind. I feed a tiny bit of bottle to F while sitting in our car and then carefully take it away and success, she fell asleep. I gave C his peanut butter and jelly sandwich that I had cleverly packed, and he was happy holding it but not eating it.
We drove on.
I really wanted a smoothie! I should also mention I hate McDonalds. but they advertise really nice looking smoothies so I decided to go to the one down the road from our house. I also decided that IF F was sleeping we would go inside (I could just bring her in in her carseat and hope she stayed asleep) I would take C in to play on the play thing they have. it was perfect, she was asleep, I pulled C out of the car and was about to get F when the sun shown in her eyes and she woke up... i decided I'd take C in anyway cause I'd already gotten him out of the car. F wasn't too unhappy anyway, we should be alright... right? WRONG.
I ordered some food and my smoothy, gave C his pb&j for the third time and shared my fries with him, giving him sips of the smoothie once in awhile.
He played on the plaything and twice climbed up and was too 'saired' to come down. Even though he loves slides and there was one right there. I ended up climbing in that thing 3 times, the 1st one because he put something in his mouth... yuck! (normally I'm ok with him doing gross things, but eating something that I don't know what it is inside a plaything just didn't sit well. And then there were the 2 rescue trips too. I forced him to go down the slide with me because getting up was hard enough, going down looked impossible. Glad i wasn't pregnant for this!
Once down on the ground I had the unfortunate opportunity to smell another nasty diaper from this supposedly potty training child. (something must be going through our house, everyone but me is coughing and has sore throats and we all have the same nasty smelling poo...sorry for the TMI)
So I drag a kicking and screaming C into the bathroom with a poopy F and am attempting to change her diaper when he starts crying louder which kicks off F and she starts crying.. I swear they look nothing alike but their cry is exactly the same! I can just imagine what the other mom's in the play area were thinking of our dramatic noises coming from the bathroom! I finished with F and C discovered a new kind of potty, the urinal! He insisted on peeing there... but it was too tall for him, so I had to hold him up, but there was no place to put F because the stupid designers who put a kid urinal in the family bathroom put it right under the changing table! So I laid out F's blanket and laid her on the floor (at least the floor wasn't wet!) she was still screaming bloody murder and even more so now that I put her down. C couldn't pee with me holding him, but insisted on trying... I finally gave up and forced him onto the regular toilet. He went.. and I had to feign excitement when really I was just wishing I was at home and they would 'just go to sleep'. We high fived and cheered, I put a new diaper on his bottom and scooped up F from the floor (I really should have brought her carseat into the bathroom but I really thought I could just strap her into the changing table like I normally do.) Then I tell C before leaving the bathroom that we have to make sister happy, how can we do that? Does she need a nap? he decides yes, and then I ask where does sister sleep? he says home, and I say are you ready to go home so we can put F to bed? he says yes... little liar. I tell him to go get his shoes, and he seems to be listening until he makes a quick beeline for that tower that he has already made me climb three times! I grab him before he can go anywhere, chug my smoothy and attack him with his shoes simultaniously (after putting F in her carseat but not strapping her down.) Then I strap F in pick her up and grab both the diaper bag and the toddler's hand before he can dash to the tower again and we exit as quickly as possible!
RARRRR! why do good days have to end this way? with me breathing in and out as slow as possible explaining things extra nicely (so I don't explode) and the kids acting up even more than they normally do? or is it my imagination that it was more because I'm so stressed by them?
It was a full day, I shouldn't have tried McD's but I really wanted that smoothie and thought if F was sleeping C would love the playground... oh well lesson learned!