Yesterday I realized how badly my attitude and mood in general affect my whole household. My husband has had 3 moments in our marriage of 4 years where he did not keep his temper. Unfortunately when this happens things get broken, and he isn't as careful as possible around the kids. So yesterday a few things got thrown and a chair got smashed to bits, absolutely to bits! And it was all because he is under so much stress regarding me!
I was scared, both our kids nearly got hit, even though I could tell that he wasn't trying to hit either of them with the flying things, he just lost control.
There is a lot of pressure on the poor man! His wife is having emotional issues and isn't able to give him much affection lately, his job is on the chopping block, his pastor said that sleep should be his last priority and taking pressure off of me his first (I should mention that this is NOT how our family works and P put undue pressure on himself to be availible to me when he normally would be taking a nap.) It is important in our house that P gets a nap, he just doesn't function as well off of the amount of sleep I do. And honestly SOMEONE better be getting enough sleep in this house!
In the moment I grabbed both the kids and walked out the door, loaded C's into the carseat and realized I had left F's seat in the house and my keys were there too... I didn't even get a chance to go get them because P had some out and taken C out of the carseat. C wasn't scared, he was just asking why daddy broke a chair, I on the other hand was terrified and shaking. The thing is, I wasn't scared that I was in an abusive relationship, or that P would hurt any of us... because those are two things that I'm sure of... I'm NOT in danger, and neither are my children. I have moments of explosion and I can't blame P for having one too... What I was scared of was that it wasn't over yet. I didn't want all of us to be 'in the way' while he was having his tantrum. I took C from P and took both kids to C's bedroom and sat on the bed. C started to cry, and F was already crying, she is the reason the whole event happened. P was at that point much calmer, he came in agter us and sat on the floor on the oposite side of the room. F would not stop crying and I was really shaken up and P said he was tired, I told him to go have a nap and he said "no not that kind of tired, I'm tired of tip toeing around you wondering what will set you off."
I did not have the ability to answer so I just said "I'm going for a drive, you are welcome to come if you like", scooped up the kids and headed back out the door, I have never seen P get his shoes on so quickly, I think he was scared we wouldnt come back if he let us go without him. He was totally embaressed and very upset with himself. He agree'd he needed a code word to let me know when he is loosing it, and a better way to vent than to destroy things. I think a punching bag may be finding its way to our house soon.
Today I was supposed to have a counselor come to the house for our first appointment and she called to say she needed to reschedule as she may need to go to the doctor. I would like to say that I asked if she was ok but I was actually trying not to cry that I've waited as long as I have and am still not getting the help everyone agrees I need. My therapist appointment isnt until the 19th, and I need to talk to someone soon!
On other news F has decided that formula is gross and wont eat it unless she is starving, but my milk supply just isnt great enough to meet all her needs... I dont know what I'm going to do about that. Possibly start her on some cereal or something and hope it fills the gap that the 4-6 oz I cant get her would have filled.
Oh the joys! I still have to clean some of the crap off the fan from yesterdays explosion... but hey that may take some time.