So I'm pretty sure I live on a rollarcoaster!
Today I woke up late because I was exhausted because F hasn't been sleeping well lately, but I managed to pump and take a shower anyway! I so needed that shower! I'm honestly not getting more than 1 a week right now.. YUCK!
Anyway, before the shower I was exhausted and a tiny bit overwhelmed, but I dealt very well with it told P what I was doing and what he would need to do in order to get out the door in time, and he did a FABULOUS job! Over the top GREAT! he even packed my pump, which I wasn't planning to bring but actually needed to, but just didn't want to deal with it.
After my shower being that I was finally clean and P had done such a wonderful job with getting things ready for me I was in a very good mood and much more relaxed... then we got in the car.
It was hot, not too hot since it was still early, but hot enough to make me wish it were not... and then the gas light turned on, and then we realized we had forgotten something at home and things just sort of piled in my fragile mind. We got over the tiny hurdles, turned on the AC, grabbed the thing we forgot, filled up the tank and were on our way. When we arrived we didn't have much to do as I had told the leaders that I needed to take a break.. so I actually got to focus most of my attention on my children, which oddly enough at church I don't get to do most sundays! It is sort of refreshing to me to be mom at church as well as at home.
Then P got a text that essentially said "you are being called in, get your butt to work NOW!" yay for being on call! And my little world crashed again. At first I thought "I can drop him off and just go to the beach or shop for a little bit while we wait to find out whether he has to stay or not... but then I realized P didn't have his uniform and was not clean shaven so he had to go back home, which meant I had to go home, which meant I had to stay home.. since I had no reason to drive all the way to the beach or a store.
So P left for work and C went down for a nap as F woke up from one! I didn't get any nap.. poor tired me! Then when C woke up and F needed to go down again and would not i sort of just exploded and packed everyone in the car though I had no idea where I was going to go. I ended up calling some friends and asking if I could crash at their house for a change of scenery they said yes, so I did. It was a perfect plan, and worked out really great.
When we got home C got to play outside and use up some energy, and learn to ride his bike slightly better. F just laid in the stroller while I pushed C around on the sidewalk in front of the house. Then we came inside and I had C help me set the table, this is the first time he'd ever done it and he did great! We had hotdogs and corn on the cob and sliced strawberries, and C got to put the mayo and ketchup on his own bread, he totally loved that he got to 'help' do these things! Then it was bedtime!
There were several ups and downs during this time, but looking back it seems more like ups than downs, so my plan of getting out of the house at that peak moment when I thought I'd beat someone down was a good plan.. but I actually know that had I been made angry on the road I might not have acted in the best manor.. which really does scare me into staying home during some of my 'episodes'...
On a good note I can call my insurance tomorrow and they should have my dr.'s referal so I should be able to find out who to make an appointment with to get to a therapist. I actually hope but am highly doubtful that I will see someone at a different hospital than the one F was born at.... that is where most of my referals end up and I just don't want to talk to someone about the issues I had at that hospital that lead to my delivery and c-section for F. I guess if I have to maybe it will make a difference in someone else's care in the future.
Good night... maybe tonight I'll get some sleep?