Today I celebrated my 27th birthday, it is incredible, a few months ago I felt like 27 was old.. ask me whether I felt like 30 was scary and you'd have been surprized to learn that 30 doesn't scare me at all, but for some reason 27 did. Today though I feel like I am more capable than ever to embrace 27!
A baby boy was born today, my best friend delivered her son on my birthday.. maybe that is part of the reason that I'm ok with it, or maybe it is that he was born at 10:27am and is exactly 27 years younger than me! Ok, that was a random thought and I only just now thought of the odd coincidence so probably not the reason I'm ok with my age. I know that I've been the mother of two for 5 months now, but it seems to me that today that is exactly where I want to be. What I mean to say is that 27 seems the perfect age for me to have such a wonderful family. 27 seems the perfect age to watch my daughter take her first steps (since they will likely happen sometime before I turn 28) 27 seems the perfect age to Love me.
Probably all this good mood is the benefit of having a really great birthday. My son brought me a diaper today and like he has every day since mother's day he said "Happy Berfday mommy" a diaper seemed a perfect present from the boy who is doing so well getting potty trained (regardless of how long it has taken us to get to this point). He got to blow out the candle on my icecream (yes I said ice cream and not cake) at the restaurant we went to... I video'd it all... 27 seems the perfect age to have been married to a wonderful husband for 4 years, 27 seems to be an age I can 'fit' I never fit 16, 18, 21, or even 25. the last time I felt like I 'fit' my age was when I was 24. I still sometimes feel like I am 24, but today I feel 27. I like the feel of fitting where I am.
I like the feel of knowing that tomorrow I will be able to look at my two children, and my husband and know that I am loved, I like the feel of the facts that are infront of me.
I do still have worries though, scares, or frets if you will. Simple things make me worry. Like tomorrow. I'm scared of tomorrow. I know that I've had a wonderful day today, and that tomorrow is going to be 'another day'. P is going to go to work, C and F and I will be home, doing... nothing. And tomorrow is Saturday, the day everyone else will be doing 'something'. There wont be anyone to visit, there wont be anything special to do, and I'll face the reality that sometimes I'm alone. luckily all those thoughts will probably pass at about 1:30pm when my husband walks through the door done with work for the day. I'm scared that tomorrow I'll return to the bad me. the one that doesn't have anything exciting happening, the one that is stressed out over her house being dirty and kids not having had baths in WAY longer than they should have gone but bath water makes me nervous.
I'm worried that tomorrow I'll be suffering from PPD, like I was yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. See exciting days that pull me away from the panic in my brain make the days where I have to face my own thoughts again scary. I love exciting days, but I hate when they end. who doesn't hate the end of a great day though right?
I do remember once upon a time at the end of a particularly good day I would put on my nicest pjs, sink my body into my bed, curl up with my husband (or way back when I was single a pillow or stuffed animal) and just breathe a sigh of contentment and lull myself to sleep thinking about the great day I just had. But now it isn't the memories of a great day that will come to me as I lay down my head for the night.. it is the worry of tomorrow. And what honestly is there to worry about tomorrow? My kids are healthy, my house is still standing, my dogs are still friendly and alive, I'm doing great, my water runs, my electricity is on... and yet.... tomorrow will come whether I go to sleep or not... so here is to the effort of sleep tonight and the prayer that Fia will let me get some good sleep.
And my prayer tonight will sound like this:
Lord THANK YOU for today, please help me to be more than happy to be blessed with tomorrow, keep me sane and friendly for my children, and bless my husband with the rest he needs tonight. And if the worst of days should happen tomorrow, please grant me the peace of mind that I need to make it through without scarring my children with my mental incapacities. Amen.