Ok, I've been gone awhile, but I've also beem thinking a long time about what to say here... and also trying to remember what was already said, bur rgar is the problem with limiting your internet time you miss stuff...
I've been seeing a therapist for a month now, she is great. but sometimes I worry that she will think I'm ok and just say 'you don't need to come back anymore' and then the very next week I'll totally flip out! It hasn't happened yet, but I have a somewhat good reason to feel that way.
A few weeks ago we were given the bad news that a relative had been diagnosed with cancer, and that their body was not behaving itself and that they may die. needless to say we jumped, packed and ran/drove to see them as quickly and safely as possible, this meant me packing with two kids in tow, canceling appointments, rescheduling others, returning library books so they wouldn't be overdue, and movies that had been rented, and since my dryer was acting up bringing two loads of wet laundry to a friends house to be sure they would be dry for our trip. And finding someone to come take care of our dogs while we were gone... amazingly I did it! and it worked out really well even though I was totally stressed out, and not totally in love with the person I was about to be going to visit... but I am totally in love with the man I married who is a very good son to his mother and wouldn't have missed the opportunity.
Gosh that makes me sound like a shrew I think, but I just don't know her as well as others, and have a fear/hate for hospitals and people who may die in them since my grandmother died of staff infection. (another story entirely).... anyway I did all that stuff to get ready while my husband went to work, got special leave through the red-cross to get out of work, and then went to get some new tires on his car and an oil change before our drive.
While we were visiting this sick relative i received a text message from one of my closest friends, who was only 34weeks (barely) pregnant with her first baby, a girl, she was about to have a planned c-section followed by an operation on her intestines to remove some scar tissue that was causing an obstruction and a lot of pain for her. This was heart wrenching for me, not only because I know this sweet girl had hopes of a much more 'happy' pregnancy, but also because I know how a c-section can totally alter your world, especially when you plan something so entirely different. I think though that she thought once the operation was done things would go back to normal quickly, and as it turns out it has been a month since she was admitted to the hospital and a week since baby was born, and she still has an obstruction and is in pain and has had to give up her ideals of breastfeeding because taking care of her own pain, and doing what she needs to take care of herself and then trying to get such a tiny baby to latch and then pumping to increase and initiate her breastmilk supply has just been too much for her.
I find it sad, that so many things have happened to and around her, I pray all the time for her... today she called me, describing a pain that is so near my own and a fear of not being what she had hoped, I just wanted to jump the thousand miles that seperates us and show her she is doing a fabulous job and encourage her... she feels seperated from friends and family and has been stuck in the hospital too long...
A few days after returning to my own home (the trip was great the family member is doing much better than expected) i recived a call about my sister who has been on bedrest for a month in her own pregnancy due to a placenta previa, she started bleeding for the third time. She was at this point 32 weeks 6 days pregnant... they preformed a c-section this last friday. her baby is healthy but only 4lbs 8oz, and needs some assistance with breathing. My sister seems to be dealing with her circumstances pretty well, but she also only JUST went through them.. My friend has had a litle time to reflect on what she's been through and baby while still new is doing great and she is now able to truely grieve the loss of a perfect birth story.
When i heard about my sister my scar began to burn... literally the whole thing just ached! I never knew that your brain could recall a pain like this and make it real! My therapist has asked me several times if i could feel the pain when I remembered the situation and until now I could honestly say 'no' just a normal healing type pain.. or when my pants rub a little too much on the scar it hurts, but this was totally different.. still only the skin and not the muscle (thank you Jesus) that hurt, but it was strange, and still now when i think of either of the girls that have just been through this my belly begins to burn with a fresh pain.
I don't see my therapist again until thursday, and I honestly wish I could see her now.. I'm trying to just live one day at a time, and focus on the things that need doing, but it is difficult because there are two women that I love so dearly going through a pain I can very well understand, and aside from listening to them on the telephone and hoping my experience is a help to them, I am unable to do anything to ease the pain I know they are going through.
I tried to tell myself 'their pain is not your own, they might be dealing better than you did'... but then my dear friend called and my heart just broke for her! She is having a lot of emotions, and she is stuck in that room in the hospital and just wants it all to be over, and laments about the facts surrounding her babies birth! I'm so sorry I can't be more for you dear friend!!!!!
well it is beyond bedtime... so I guess this ends my typing, but probably only begins my thinking since it plagues me so deeply when I lay down to sleep... I'll be praying tonight!
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