Therapy today was wonderful, I was full of anxiety before my appointment because there is so much going on and I just knew I was going to cry. It wasn't that I didn't want to go, or that I didn't want to cry, it was just a problem because crying isn't ok in my mind... neither am I... I'll explain.
We talked about a LOT of issues! P's mom and her diagnosis, How P is doing, How C has been SUPER clingy lately especially when in trouble.. he just runs at me and throws his arms around my legs and acts all dramatic if anything isn't going his way... it is so weird. More on that later. We talked about how F is doing better at sleeping, how my sister and one of my closest friends just had emergency c-sections, and how I have created a schedule to make sure that my children get baths (I'll explain more later).
first things first, P's mom and her issues. I personally have issues, I don't really like her, I would never wish harm on her or try to make P feel like I do, or anything, but the fact is that if we were even in the same age group she would be that girl I didn't want to hang out with but would occassionally because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. P is convinced that I would feel differently and that we would be best friends. I mean this is his MOM that I'm talking about... of course he would want the woman he Loves and the woman he loves to like each other. I capatalized that one Loves on purpose, it was how he said it, I asked him which woman was me, not that it really would have matered, but he assured me I'm the one with the capital L.
Anyway, my therapist said that I should view my family and life as a spinning top and realize that with my hubby right now he's going to be spinning like crazy, and our life might be wobbly but I need to be the center, meaning that he can get stressed out or be all lovey to me, and either way I'm his rock, his stability.. this seems overwhelming to me, I told her I'd try....but sometimes I feel like that is asking SOOO much! at the same time it is exactly what I need to be doing and what I want to be doing.
Next, C... oh my that boy! He makes me feel good when I see him running at me, like I can solve all his problems with a little hug.. but that isn't why he's running at me. He wants reassurance, he wants to know that when things are not going right that mommy will still be there to love on him. That is compounded by the fact that he doesn't know where 'home' is right now. We just came back from my sister in laws house, we stayed there for almost 2 weeks and then came home. C said today as I was tucking him into his bed after waking him with the vacum that he wanted to 'go our other house'. I told him we didnt' have another house, that we were home, and that we wouldn't be leaving again for a long time. I felt bad, we left so quickly, and then again rather suddenly without explaining anything to him.. no wonder he's clinging to me, he's nervous he might get lost in all this moving around and left behind! My therapist said that was probably true but while reassuring him that no one would forget him I also should not give him the attention he's asking for when he clings to me like that, but instead to wait until his method of soothing changes to something more acceptable (since I can't walk with him stuck to me) and then acknowledge him and find out ways to get him to be obedient to the need of the moment but not to let his clinging to me get the credit for anything.
My sister and friend's c-sections... gosh the pain from my own FLARED up when I heard about my sisters... hers was after my friends. R(my therapist) said that it was normal and that my body was working on another stage of healing and that it was good that I was remembering things. I don't know about that... I mean maybe in the long run, but at the moment I'm no so thrilled about remembering them!
Then we got into weird talk.... i mentioned the bath schedule and how I was going to force myself to get through this fear that they will drown by just bathing them anyway, and trying to focus on the positives of bathing them, like that F is only 6 months old but can splash higher than C who is 2, and how cute it is for them to bathe and play in the water. How it is actually helping F's excema rather than making it worse, and several other things. Then R asked me about my own baths. I told her I take showers, and i guess from my ton of voice she realized I don't like them. Which is funny cause I don't.
So heres the back log on how I don't like me!
I don't like to be naked, never have for as long as I can remember. I don't know why, I'm just not comfortable with me, and clothes do a pretty good job of hiding my body, or making it look better. As a preteen I was told that my ribs stuck out and that it made me look like I had four developing boobs instead of two... talk about embarassing! And then there was that I like baths, I find comfort in the fact that bubbles and water can at least distort the image of my body unclathed, and the 'wall' of the tub can 'hide' me from anyone who might walk into the room. I also don't like it when P opens the bathroom door while I'm on the toilet.. I just can't stand being naked or exposed in any way.... however marriage has changed some things.. I am ok so long as I can imagine that P likes the way I look when we are in bed... ok that is about the only thing that has changed... Anyway, I just don't like the thought of being expossed.
R said that it was a shame that I didn't enjoy showers, because it was one of her favorite times in her day, relaxing and messing with the temperatures in the shower and just taking her sweet time... it sounds great, but showers are for business I guess. You get in you get clean and you get out. Yeah that's what my mom said!
Here is something else my mom said "you are too old for baths", She didn't respect my fear of my brothers spying on me, though I'm pretty sure they didn't. She didn't understand me at all... which isn't a huge deal, but R said it was a shame my mom didn't take my concerns seriously. I guess that would have been nice.
My biggest concern 'was' that I teach my children something that my parents never taught me, but expected me to know... 'how to take care of my body'. I never learned how to wear make up, protested it actually, never knew how to take care of my hair and it was always frizzy and out of control, but I didn't know it could look better, I brushed it! I didn't know how to shave my legs, and for my 13th birthday I got a brand new razor and was told to go take a shower.. I felt like telling my mom she just handed me a gun and stood me in the middle of a crouded room and told me to shoot a target I couldn't see without hitting any of the people in the room.. but I managed. When it came to my period, I guess I just knew some of the things I needed to know, but not all of them... and what I didn't know I found out.
Heres a tid bit bright and pretty.. R asked me if I knew anything about my female parts and I laughed and told her my embarassing story... before P and I got married he said something about how it'd be nice if I shaved, we'd never had sex so I thought 'maybe I'll try to do that...? So I did and to my surprize things that are covered with hair don't look anything like they do without and I honestly thought I was broken.. I looked up pictures on line and the whole time was swearing under my breathe that I just wanted to make sure I was normal and didn't really want to see other girl's vaginas, but of course that is what I saw and as quickly as my eyes could send the message to my brain that I was normal I closed the webpage and deleted my brousing history.. I lived in a jr apartment alone, who would have been looking at my browser history?
So anyway.. R informed me that 1. I need to take a bath if that is what makes me comfortable, it certainly is a shame the water doesn't cover my body like it did when I was a kid though. And 2. I need to be more comfortable with myself.
I think I have a lot of shame pent up in me, for nothing too! I am ashamed when I cry because I was a super emotional child and my mom once told me I was ugly when I cried. I'm afraid to be naked because perverts could be watching (where does that come from?)... actually I know where that comes from... it comes from my 1st boyfriend.. I was in kindergarten.. yeah... he was my 1st boyfriend, my 2nd was when I turned 16. Anyway, once at his house he showed me a tiny hole in the wall on the back side of the bathroom, no one would have ever noticed it before, but he did, and he used to watch someone, I can't remember who, get changed in the bathroom... And then later I discovered that there was a similar hole in the wall in my own bathroom, you had to be in the stairwell going to the basement, and the basement had nothing in it so the only reason anyone would be in the stairwell was to look through that hole (at least in my mind anyway).
And then there is the ONE time I ever ventured a look at myself, I must have been in 1st grade, I saw, and then I stopped, and never looked again. Not sure why, but I was ashamed that I'd even looked then.
Gahh.. so i guess when you hear that therapists and pychologist want to blame everything on your childhood.. maybe there is some truth to that.. I mean I'm finding a lot of things from my past have really come to bite me now!
Anyway.. I'm tired and need to get to bed.. just thought I'd share, I'm sure you wanted to know all about how uncomfortable I am naked and how I hate crying in front of people because it isn't something they should see.
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