* I just found this unpublished, I'm not sure why it wasn't published but I feel it should be so even though it is out of order, it is worth a read I think.
I must note that it is Jan 2013, even though it will be time stamped on the post... the reason for this is going to be clear in a minute.
Jan 5th 2012 I found out that I was pregnant for Jaemi. Jan 26th 2012 I lost Jaemi. Had I been able to keep my sweet lost baby I would have delivered in September 2012.
Both F and C were born in the same month, and it seemed to me that it would be cool to have another baby born in September. P and I have been trying to get pregnant for a two months now, and while I didn't expect it to only take two months, I was actually really hoping that this month would be the month.
This morning when Aunt Flow graced me with her arrival I wasn't all that thrilled, but to be honest I've been expecting her since yesterday at 5:30am when I noticed a significant drop in my basal body temperature (this for anyone who doesn't know is a really good way to plan your family naturally! Check it out on www.fertilityfriend.com) So when I woke to my alarm today and had another significant drop in temperature it was obvious that she was going to be paying me a visit and I couldn't even dare to hope that the dip in my temperature from the day before could have been implantation of a new baby which occasionally happens....
I took care of C and got in the shower. Just before getting in, I laid down with P for a minute, he asked how I was, I said "not pregnant" he said "I'm sorry" and it sounded like he meant it, which is pretty nice since he really doesn't care if we have more kids or not, but since he doesn't care he is willing to try with me. He seems to be warming up to the idea a little more every day.
Once I was showering I cupped my hands in the water and let it slide through my fingers a little, just enough that I could still keep some of it in my hands, and watched it flow to the floor, it struck me that life was like that when I lost Jaemi, I kept my self protected, and comfortable, tried to do all I could to keep my baby inside, to help Jaemi grow and develop, but I couldn't stop him/her from sliding out of my womb and disappearing to heaven.
I know people don't get it. Some people look at me when I tell them about Jaemi, with sympathy in their eyes and say "you don't know if it really was a baby, it was too soon for a heart beat." These people mean well, but there is not even a flicker of doubt in my mind that Jaemi was a real baby, heart beat or not, if not then how come I feel so much grief about the loss? No there is not even a chance that when sperm met egg and combined their was no baby involved... there was a baby, a perfect baby involved, and now that baby, my Jaemi, is waiting in heaven for me.
As I was saying, in the shower I realized that my feelings about not being pregnant are two fold, on the one hand I didn't think I was this month anyway so no big deal. On the other hand, this fictional baby would have been due the same month as my Jaemi... They would have had something in common, like F and C do. I could have a silent birthday party for my Jaemi every time I lit a candle for this baby that isn't.... I could have carried Jaemi's memory further. I could have used a new baby to bring joy into a sad area of my life. That seems a lot to put onto a child I know... but it was significant in my mind. To bring joy from sadness, isn't that what the bible says?
As I let the water drip from my hands I asked God once more, a question I have not ventured to ask in months. Why? What did God need with Jaemi, and why would he use me to create this child and then take it away? He made Adam out of dirt, if he needed another child in heaven couldn't he have made one without me? I know the plans of God are nothing to do with me, that I'm no where near the center of the plans of God, but I'm the only one who can feel what I feel... so I ask again, WHY God?
I know I'll never have the answer, and honestly I'm ok with that. I just needed a little bit of mourning this morning. I so wanted to have my September baby.
As I cried about this with P after my shower I asked him how he felt about this. I honestly don't expect anyone who has never carried a child in their womb or experienced the loss of a child to understand why I feel so deeply for a child who some people don't even believe existed. But his response was soothing to my soul.
P told me he felt badly that he didn't stand up for me. When I had been told that they wanted to break my water with F and I said I didn't want it, cried about it, and then asked P what I should do his response had been that he was tired, and why not get the show on the road and we could all go home. And then after breaking my water F's cord prolapsed and I was rushed to surgery... P has held onto some guilt from this for a long time. I do not blame him, hospital chairs are horrible, and the tv was too high on the wall to really be comfortable watching it, and my labor was rather uneventful, he was bored, uncomfortable and ready to sleep in his own bed. I can say 100% I do not blame him. But he feels guilty, like if he had heard my heart better, put aside his own feelings of discomfort and stood up for me in that moment he could have rescued me from surgery.
He then said he felt guilty all over again when we lost Jaemi, because he (and I for that mater) didn't know that we had options other than surgery at that moment, and it was on the operating table that my body did it's job and cleared a pregnancy from my fallopian tubes without the help of the surgeon... but at this same moment my uterus went crazy and was hemorrhaging and they performed a d&c, something that we had specifically asked NOT to have done.... I don't blame either the doctor or P for this, but he carries guilt that twice in his care I've had surgery that might have been unnecessary. He feels like he let me down, and my body doesn't (and he is right in this part) function the way it used to, and he has felt that it might be harder for me to get pregnant again because of these surgeries (don't know I guess we will have to see) and that I'm at higher risk for another c-section, something I NEVER wanted done in the first place... and all the blame, in his head, is on him.
As I mentioned before, I don't blame him, and some of what he is blaming on himself is irrational, but I'm so glad to have a man who feels something concerning the loss. If I were alone in this feeling, this overwhelming desire to connect with my child, one I will only meet after death, I don't know that I'd be able to keep the crazy at bay. I'm so incredibly thankful for a man who feels, who wants to protect me, and who wants to stand up for me and the things that I know and feel are right for my body.
Am I sad I'm not pregnant this month.. no not really... Do I miss Jaemi all over again? YES absolutely. And it is hard to draw the line between the two...
Mommy and Me
Sharing life with you is fullfilling
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Getting a little more!
5 weeks ago we discovered our family was about to be blessed again, sometime around October 26th actually! It has taken me awhile to come and write about it because to be honest I'm not sure how I feel about blogging anymore. I used to really really want to blog about my life and tell the world about our adventures, then life turned and I started this blog to find healing from some of those turns, but now I don't need to tell the world, nor do I need to find healing, so I come here very rarely.
I'd say sorry but honestly I don't know if anyone reads this any way, and if you do, I'm sure you feel sometimes like I do and like the real world is waiting for you to come back and enjoy it again.... or maybe you don't and it is just me?
Anyway, things are going to be really different this time. In the first place THINGS HAVE REALLY CHANGED since losing Jaemi, or having Fia (yeah I'm going to be real now, I don't have any reason to hide my kids names anymore.) Having Fia devastated me because it was shocking how wrong things could go, losing Jaemi brought about a lot of peace and also sadness. Peace because I finally saw my surgery in a different light, and sadness because even an unexpected pregnancy would have brought a life we treasured into our home, and before that life was fully realized it was also gone.
Losing Jaemi happened in Jan. 2012, then we moved across the country, from sunny California to Mid-Michigan where we lived with my mom and dad and a few of my siblings for 6 months. Patrick the kids and I shared one room, I don't miss that at all. It was challenging to live in the home of another woman again, nothing was mine, I didn't feel as if I could take ownership over anything but my bedroom, and I felt guilty all the time for not being able to follow my mom's schedule and keep my kids in line the way I like to.
In June I lost my very dearest friend Prissy, an amazing dog! Prissy was born on Father's day (which I'm pretty sure was June 19th) 1997. And she lived almost to her 15th birthday. I don't know if I told her story here, but maybe if I have not I will some other time.
When Prissy was literally dying in her kennel I took myself out for a walk in the corn field and just cried out to God. "Why are you taking so many things from me?" The answer was a soft whisper straight to my heart, one I honestly didn't know if I could believe after so many losses (My dog Tristen, Jaemi, Patrick's Job, our home, a part of the freedom we had known in living on our own), but that whisper came, I know it did, "this is the last one". I know there will be other losses in life, I know eventually my parents or Patrick's parents may die, I know we will probably lose another dog one day, there will be losses, but what God was speaking to my heart then was that I was about to be on the receiving end instead of the giving end of life for awhile. My heart felt much lighter after that.
The same day that I found out Prissy was dying (we had left her with my parents while we took a little trip for the weekend) Patrick got a job offer. Not a great paying offer, but an offer none the less... he took it, he really didn't have much else to take at that point.
He began factory work. We began looking for a place to live. Some place we could buy with cash. We found the perfect little place, in Lansing, just down the road from the Potter Park Zoo, and a few blocks from the hospital, I started dreaming. In retrospect it wasn't perfect, but I liked it a lot, and was excited to see that all the rooms were painted in shades I liked and probably wouldn't change at all. And it was SUPER CUTE.
As we were waiting (5weeks) to hear whether the bank accepted our offer or not we got an e-mail from a company that basically informed us that a job in Patrick's own field was available if he was interested in upper Michigan. Naturally I freaked out. If you are not familiar Upper Michigan is very under populated, and often the 'cities' there don't have more than a grocery store.
We visited the city where the job offer was, to see if we could manage living there. It was better than I expected and Patrick quickly interviewed with the company. After going back to my parents house we decided that perhaps it was the right move for us, and we began packing things up and contacted the realtor about canceling our offer... we didn't want to, but had no other choice the house and the new job were 3 hours away from each other.
We stayed nearly a week in a hotel while Patrick started his new job, found a place to live with decent rent and four bedrooms, perfect for temporary living, and VERY comfortable. The landlords let me paint some of the rooms, with the agreement that any rooms I painted in neutral colors could be left that way when we decided to move out.
During the time of the move one of my best friends got married, I was her maid of honor, and so very happy to be able to participate... had I been pregnant with Jaemi I most likely wouldn't have been able to attend as my due date was so close to her wedding date.. it is a bittersweet thought.
We settled into our new small town existence, found a church that cared so much for us that we decided to stay, though their views are different in some areas from ours and all the churches around here are geared toward the senior aged community.... it has been a VERY difficult adjustment.
In December I traveled with the kids to Maryland to visit a friend and accompany on the birth of her third child, it was exciting! After Christmas we all headed home (Patrick was able to come for Christmas and the weekend just before it).
Back at home we decided to start trying for another baby. I don't ever know whether to call it baby 3, or baby D.... because technically we have three children already, but no one recognizes Jaemi as a part of our family because most people here don't even know about the story of Jaemi, and even if they did they just think "oh look at their 'two' children, and now they are expecting number 3".
So baby D is how I refer to our baby for now. And Baby D has some exciting stuff coming along with it. The biggest excitement in my life right now is that we are planning a home birth! I found a midwife who lives 3 hours from my home (I know that is far right!) and she will travel to me at the end of my pregnancy and obviously for the birth, and has an office that is an hour and 20 minutes from here that she can meet me in until 36 weeks. She seems really put together, and I'm so excited about this birth. The only problems I anticipate are that 1. I am a VBAC and that puts me at a higher risk, but we have precautions for that, and 2. she lives a long ways away, I don't want to call her too soon and have her spend days out here, but I also don't want to call her too late and not make it in time for the arrival of the baby. Otherwise I'm TOTALLY at peace about this baby and it's arrival.
For the record, I really miss Target, but living out here in the sticks hasn't been all bad. I've been able to sort of build a good community of friends and Patrick and I are trying to kick start a new ministry to reach the unreached generations here.
I'd say sorry but honestly I don't know if anyone reads this any way, and if you do, I'm sure you feel sometimes like I do and like the real world is waiting for you to come back and enjoy it again.... or maybe you don't and it is just me?
Anyway, things are going to be really different this time. In the first place THINGS HAVE REALLY CHANGED since losing Jaemi, or having Fia (yeah I'm going to be real now, I don't have any reason to hide my kids names anymore.) Having Fia devastated me because it was shocking how wrong things could go, losing Jaemi brought about a lot of peace and also sadness. Peace because I finally saw my surgery in a different light, and sadness because even an unexpected pregnancy would have brought a life we treasured into our home, and before that life was fully realized it was also gone.
Losing Jaemi happened in Jan. 2012, then we moved across the country, from sunny California to Mid-Michigan where we lived with my mom and dad and a few of my siblings for 6 months. Patrick the kids and I shared one room, I don't miss that at all. It was challenging to live in the home of another woman again, nothing was mine, I didn't feel as if I could take ownership over anything but my bedroom, and I felt guilty all the time for not being able to follow my mom's schedule and keep my kids in line the way I like to.
In June I lost my very dearest friend Prissy, an amazing dog! Prissy was born on Father's day (which I'm pretty sure was June 19th) 1997. And she lived almost to her 15th birthday. I don't know if I told her story here, but maybe if I have not I will some other time.
When Prissy was literally dying in her kennel I took myself out for a walk in the corn field and just cried out to God. "Why are you taking so many things from me?" The answer was a soft whisper straight to my heart, one I honestly didn't know if I could believe after so many losses (My dog Tristen, Jaemi, Patrick's Job, our home, a part of the freedom we had known in living on our own), but that whisper came, I know it did, "this is the last one". I know there will be other losses in life, I know eventually my parents or Patrick's parents may die, I know we will probably lose another dog one day, there will be losses, but what God was speaking to my heart then was that I was about to be on the receiving end instead of the giving end of life for awhile. My heart felt much lighter after that.
The same day that I found out Prissy was dying (we had left her with my parents while we took a little trip for the weekend) Patrick got a job offer. Not a great paying offer, but an offer none the less... he took it, he really didn't have much else to take at that point.
He began factory work. We began looking for a place to live. Some place we could buy with cash. We found the perfect little place, in Lansing, just down the road from the Potter Park Zoo, and a few blocks from the hospital, I started dreaming. In retrospect it wasn't perfect, but I liked it a lot, and was excited to see that all the rooms were painted in shades I liked and probably wouldn't change at all. And it was SUPER CUTE.
As we were waiting (5weeks) to hear whether the bank accepted our offer or not we got an e-mail from a company that basically informed us that a job in Patrick's own field was available if he was interested in upper Michigan. Naturally I freaked out. If you are not familiar Upper Michigan is very under populated, and often the 'cities' there don't have more than a grocery store.
We visited the city where the job offer was, to see if we could manage living there. It was better than I expected and Patrick quickly interviewed with the company. After going back to my parents house we decided that perhaps it was the right move for us, and we began packing things up and contacted the realtor about canceling our offer... we didn't want to, but had no other choice the house and the new job were 3 hours away from each other.
We stayed nearly a week in a hotel while Patrick started his new job, found a place to live with decent rent and four bedrooms, perfect for temporary living, and VERY comfortable. The landlords let me paint some of the rooms, with the agreement that any rooms I painted in neutral colors could be left that way when we decided to move out.
During the time of the move one of my best friends got married, I was her maid of honor, and so very happy to be able to participate... had I been pregnant with Jaemi I most likely wouldn't have been able to attend as my due date was so close to her wedding date.. it is a bittersweet thought.
We settled into our new small town existence, found a church that cared so much for us that we decided to stay, though their views are different in some areas from ours and all the churches around here are geared toward the senior aged community.... it has been a VERY difficult adjustment.
In December I traveled with the kids to Maryland to visit a friend and accompany on the birth of her third child, it was exciting! After Christmas we all headed home (Patrick was able to come for Christmas and the weekend just before it).
Back at home we decided to start trying for another baby. I don't ever know whether to call it baby 3, or baby D.... because technically we have three children already, but no one recognizes Jaemi as a part of our family because most people here don't even know about the story of Jaemi, and even if they did they just think "oh look at their 'two' children, and now they are expecting number 3".
So baby D is how I refer to our baby for now. And Baby D has some exciting stuff coming along with it. The biggest excitement in my life right now is that we are planning a home birth! I found a midwife who lives 3 hours from my home (I know that is far right!) and she will travel to me at the end of my pregnancy and obviously for the birth, and has an office that is an hour and 20 minutes from here that she can meet me in until 36 weeks. She seems really put together, and I'm so excited about this birth. The only problems I anticipate are that 1. I am a VBAC and that puts me at a higher risk, but we have precautions for that, and 2. she lives a long ways away, I don't want to call her too soon and have her spend days out here, but I also don't want to call her too late and not make it in time for the arrival of the baby. Otherwise I'm TOTALLY at peace about this baby and it's arrival.
For the record, I really miss Target, but living out here in the sticks hasn't been all bad. I've been able to sort of build a good community of friends and Patrick and I are trying to kick start a new ministry to reach the unreached generations here.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Remembering and moving forward
I must note that it is Jan 2013, even though it will be time stamped on the post... the reason for this is going to be clear in a minute.
Jan 5th 2012 I found out that I was pregnant for Jaemi. Jan 26th 2012 I lost Jaemi. Had I been able to keep my sweet lost baby I would have delivered in September 2012.
Both F and C were born in the same month, and it seemed to me that it would be cool to have another baby born in September. P and I have been trying to get pregnant for a two months now, and while I didn't expect it to only take two months, I was actually really hoping that this month would be the month.
This morning when Aunt Flow graced me with her arrival I wasn't all that thrilled, but to be honest I've been expecting her since yesterday at 5:30am when I noticed a significant drop in my basal body temperature (this for anyone who doesn't know is a really good way to plan your family naturally! Check it out on www.fertilityfriend.com) So when I woke to my alarm today and had another significant drop in temperature it was obvious that she was going to be paying me a visit and I couldn't even dare to hope that the dip in my temperature from the day before could have been implantation of a new baby which occasionally happens....
I took care of C and got in the shower. Just before getting in, I laid down with P for a minute, he asked how I was, I said "not pregnant" he said "I'm sorry" and it sounded like he meant it, which is pretty nice since he really doesn't care if we have more kids or not, but since he doesn't care he is willing to try with me. He seems to be warming up to the idea a little more every day.
Once I was showering I cupped my hands in the water and let it slide through my fingers a little, just enough that I could still keep some of it in my hands, and watched it flow to the floor, it struck me that life was like that when I lost Jaemi, I kept my self protected, and comfortable, tried to do all I could to keep my baby inside, to help Jaemi grow and develop, but I couldn't stop him/her from sliding out of my womb and disappearing to heaven.
I know people don't get it. Some people look at me when I tell them about Jaemi, with sympathy in their eyes and say "you don't know if it really was a baby, it was too soon for a heart beat." These people mean well, but there is not even a flicker of doubt in my mind that Jaemi was a real baby, heart beat or not, if not then how come I feel so much grief about the loss? No there is not even a chance that when sperm met egg and combined their was no baby involved... there was a baby, a perfect baby involved, and now that baby, my Jaemi, is waiting in heaven for me.
As I was saying, in the shower I realized that my feelings about not being pregnant are two fold, on the one hand I didn't think I was this month anyway so no big deal. On the other hand, this fictional baby would have been due the same month as my Jaemi... They would have had something in common, like F and C do. I could have a silent birthday party for my Jaemi every time I lit a candle for this baby that isn't.... I could have carried Jaemi's memory further. I could have used a new baby to bring joy into a sad area of my life. That seems a lot to put onto a child I know... but it was significant in my mind. To bring joy from sadness, isn't that what the bible says?
As I let the water drip from my hands I asked God once more, a question I have not ventured to ask in months. Why? What did God need with Jaemi, and why would he use me to create this child and then take it away? He made adam out of dirt, if he needed another child in heaven couldn't he have made one without me? I know the plans of God are nothing to do with me, that I'm no where near the center of the plans of God, but I'm the only one who can feel what I feel... so I ask again, WHY God?
I know I'll never have the answer, and honestly I'm ok with that. I just needed a little bit of mourning this morning. I so wanted to have my September baby.
As I cried about this with P after my shower I asked him how he felt about this. I honestly don't expect anyone who has never carried a child in their womb or experienced the loss of a child to understand why I feel so deeply for a child who some people don't even believe existed. But his response was soothing to my soul.
P told me he felt badly that he didn't stand up for me. When I had been told that they wanted to break my water with F and I said I didn't want it, cried about it, and then asked P what I should do his response had been that he was tired, and why not get the show on the road and we could all go home. And then after breaking my water F's cord prolapsed and I was rushed to surgery... P has held onto some guilt from this for a long time. I do not blame him, hospital chairs are horrible, and the tv was too high on the wall to really be comfortable watching it, and my labor was rather uneventful, he was bored, uncomfortable and ready to sleep in his own bed. I can say 100% I do not blame him. But he feels guilty, like if he had heard my heart better, put aside his own feelings of discomfort and stood up for me in that moment he could have rescued me from surgery.
He then said he felt guilty all over again when we lost Jaemi, because he (and I for that mater) didn't know that we had options other than surgery at that moment, and it was on the operating table that my body did it's job and cleared a pregnancy from my Fallopian tubes without the help of the surgeon... but at this same moment my uterus went crazy and was hemorrhaging and they performed a d&c, something that we had specifically asked NOT to have done.... I don't blame either the doctor or P for this, but he carries guilt that twice in his care I've had surgery that might have been unnecessary. He feels like he let me down, and my body doesn't (and he is right in this part) function the way it used to, and he has felt that it might be harder for me to get pregnant again because of these surgeries (don't know I guess we will have to see) and that I'm at higher risk for another c-section, something I NEVER wanted done in the first place... and all the blame, in his head, is on him.
As I mentioned before, I don't blame him, and some of what he is blaming on himself is irrational, but I'm so glad to have a man who feels something concerning the loss. If I were alone in this feeling, this overwhelming desire to connect with my child, one I will only meet after death, I don't know that I'd be able to keep the crazy at bay. I'm so incredibly thankful for a man who feels, who wants to protect me, and who wants to stand up for me and the things that I know and feel are right for my body.
Am I sad I'm not pregnant this month.. no not really... Do I miss Jaemi all over again? YES absolutely. And it is hard to draw the line between the two... But with God's grace I'll try again next month.
Jan 5th 2012 I found out that I was pregnant for Jaemi. Jan 26th 2012 I lost Jaemi. Had I been able to keep my sweet lost baby I would have delivered in September 2012.
Both F and C were born in the same month, and it seemed to me that it would be cool to have another baby born in September. P and I have been trying to get pregnant for a two months now, and while I didn't expect it to only take two months, I was actually really hoping that this month would be the month.
This morning when Aunt Flow graced me with her arrival I wasn't all that thrilled, but to be honest I've been expecting her since yesterday at 5:30am when I noticed a significant drop in my basal body temperature (this for anyone who doesn't know is a really good way to plan your family naturally! Check it out on www.fertilityfriend.com) So when I woke to my alarm today and had another significant drop in temperature it was obvious that she was going to be paying me a visit and I couldn't even dare to hope that the dip in my temperature from the day before could have been implantation of a new baby which occasionally happens....
I took care of C and got in the shower. Just before getting in, I laid down with P for a minute, he asked how I was, I said "not pregnant" he said "I'm sorry" and it sounded like he meant it, which is pretty nice since he really doesn't care if we have more kids or not, but since he doesn't care he is willing to try with me. He seems to be warming up to the idea a little more every day.
Once I was showering I cupped my hands in the water and let it slide through my fingers a little, just enough that I could still keep some of it in my hands, and watched it flow to the floor, it struck me that life was like that when I lost Jaemi, I kept my self protected, and comfortable, tried to do all I could to keep my baby inside, to help Jaemi grow and develop, but I couldn't stop him/her from sliding out of my womb and disappearing to heaven.
I know people don't get it. Some people look at me when I tell them about Jaemi, with sympathy in their eyes and say "you don't know if it really was a baby, it was too soon for a heart beat." These people mean well, but there is not even a flicker of doubt in my mind that Jaemi was a real baby, heart beat or not, if not then how come I feel so much grief about the loss? No there is not even a chance that when sperm met egg and combined their was no baby involved... there was a baby, a perfect baby involved, and now that baby, my Jaemi, is waiting in heaven for me.
As I was saying, in the shower I realized that my feelings about not being pregnant are two fold, on the one hand I didn't think I was this month anyway so no big deal. On the other hand, this fictional baby would have been due the same month as my Jaemi... They would have had something in common, like F and C do. I could have a silent birthday party for my Jaemi every time I lit a candle for this baby that isn't.... I could have carried Jaemi's memory further. I could have used a new baby to bring joy into a sad area of my life. That seems a lot to put onto a child I know... but it was significant in my mind. To bring joy from sadness, isn't that what the bible says?
As I let the water drip from my hands I asked God once more, a question I have not ventured to ask in months. Why? What did God need with Jaemi, and why would he use me to create this child and then take it away? He made adam out of dirt, if he needed another child in heaven couldn't he have made one without me? I know the plans of God are nothing to do with me, that I'm no where near the center of the plans of God, but I'm the only one who can feel what I feel... so I ask again, WHY God?
I know I'll never have the answer, and honestly I'm ok with that. I just needed a little bit of mourning this morning. I so wanted to have my September baby.
As I cried about this with P after my shower I asked him how he felt about this. I honestly don't expect anyone who has never carried a child in their womb or experienced the loss of a child to understand why I feel so deeply for a child who some people don't even believe existed. But his response was soothing to my soul.
P told me he felt badly that he didn't stand up for me. When I had been told that they wanted to break my water with F and I said I didn't want it, cried about it, and then asked P what I should do his response had been that he was tired, and why not get the show on the road and we could all go home. And then after breaking my water F's cord prolapsed and I was rushed to surgery... P has held onto some guilt from this for a long time. I do not blame him, hospital chairs are horrible, and the tv was too high on the wall to really be comfortable watching it, and my labor was rather uneventful, he was bored, uncomfortable and ready to sleep in his own bed. I can say 100% I do not blame him. But he feels guilty, like if he had heard my heart better, put aside his own feelings of discomfort and stood up for me in that moment he could have rescued me from surgery.
He then said he felt guilty all over again when we lost Jaemi, because he (and I for that mater) didn't know that we had options other than surgery at that moment, and it was on the operating table that my body did it's job and cleared a pregnancy from my Fallopian tubes without the help of the surgeon... but at this same moment my uterus went crazy and was hemorrhaging and they performed a d&c, something that we had specifically asked NOT to have done.... I don't blame either the doctor or P for this, but he carries guilt that twice in his care I've had surgery that might have been unnecessary. He feels like he let me down, and my body doesn't (and he is right in this part) function the way it used to, and he has felt that it might be harder for me to get pregnant again because of these surgeries (don't know I guess we will have to see) and that I'm at higher risk for another c-section, something I NEVER wanted done in the first place... and all the blame, in his head, is on him.
As I mentioned before, I don't blame him, and some of what he is blaming on himself is irrational, but I'm so glad to have a man who feels something concerning the loss. If I were alone in this feeling, this overwhelming desire to connect with my child, one I will only meet after death, I don't know that I'd be able to keep the crazy at bay. I'm so incredibly thankful for a man who feels, who wants to protect me, and who wants to stand up for me and the things that I know and feel are right for my body.
Am I sad I'm not pregnant this month.. no not really... Do I miss Jaemi all over again? YES absolutely. And it is hard to draw the line between the two... But with God's grace I'll try again next month.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
My kid's strengths.
Both of the kids celebrated birthdays recently, and C's age has started to sink in now. It is so unimaginable that 4 years ago today I was holding a new born baby that I was allowed to take home. I felt often after taking C to our home that they had to have made a mistake, I couldn't be just allowed to go to a hospital with a swollen belly and return a parent.... How is that possible?
But here I am... a parent. Not just a parent, but the parent of two amazing children. C is constantly asking me lately what words mean. This doesn't sound too impressive considering that his language skills are amazing, but when I really stop and think about it if he wants to know the meaning of a word that means he is thinking about their meanings, and trying to use them correctly. All the big words that before now just didn't fit in his vocabulary are now taking a front seat in his life. Today he wanted to know the meaning of 'distance'. Before I might have said I needed some space, or 'back up', or something, but now he can understand and use the word 'distance' instead of all those other words combined to make the same point. That is just incredible to me.
What else amazes me? Well C is not an artistic person on paper. He can build and create things out of legos that will amaze you (or maybe I'm easily amazed)... but give him crayons and paper and he will tell you 'I don't want to color cause coloring makes me boring'. His bluntness is astounding. But today during church he was handed a baggy of crayons and some coloring pages, and he SHOCKED me. First off one of the pages had the new year written out in block letters for him to color in, he TRACED them all... quite well too... yeah that doesn't sound like much, but I have been homeschooling him for 13 weeks and have been unable to get him to understand the concept and purpose of tracing, and here he was doing it on his own, and presenting it proudly to me. Then he turned to another page, with a caterpillar and a butterfly on some plants with big leaves. He colored the caterpillar pretty much the way he always colors, big scribbles, so long as the whole image is colored it has never mattered to him whether his crayon stays in the lines or not... then he hands me the crayon and says "I can't color the butterfly" I show him how to color one small part at a time, and then he goes to town, making small scribbles, hardly getting out of any lines at all, and completes the whole butterfly. This is amazing for two reasons, 1. he finished the whole picture (he refused to use any color other than blue), and 2. he cared about the work he was doing! He colored in the lines as much as possible, and spent time and effort making it his best possible. So my little boy is truly growing up and the things I show him, they take awhile to sink in but I'm encouraged that they do in deed sink in.
And then there is F. Oh my gosh she is amazing to me. And the love that flows between them gets me to the core. Lately she is attempting to potty train herself. This is just incredible to me because it took a LOT of concentrated effort to get C to understand and care what a potty was for let alone get him to use it. F will walk around tugging at the seam of her pants saying "PAAh eee" (potty) when she is going, and expect you to put her on it whether she's already gone or not. Just barely 2 and determined to do what big kids do... I don't imagine that it will take much effort at all to get her out of diapers, and since the pile is nearly gone I think we may just actually potty train her now.
These children, they are my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my emotions on legs, with arms that hug and smiles that inspire, and words and actions that teach me so much every day. And the more I see them, the more I interact with them the more I believe that there is no right way to teach a child, there is the way a child learns, and if you grasp that you can teach them anything. Which is why it is so important to me that I do teach them all I can offer, and that I'm careful not to teach them the things I wouldn't want them to learn from me, the bad habits I need to break, the insecurities that I have... I want them to learn all that I have learned in my life time, and also all that their own lives can offer them. And I pray that I'm able to do so in a manor pleasing to God, and honorable to those who have blessed their lives with that education.
But here I am... a parent. Not just a parent, but the parent of two amazing children. C is constantly asking me lately what words mean. This doesn't sound too impressive considering that his language skills are amazing, but when I really stop and think about it if he wants to know the meaning of a word that means he is thinking about their meanings, and trying to use them correctly. All the big words that before now just didn't fit in his vocabulary are now taking a front seat in his life. Today he wanted to know the meaning of 'distance'. Before I might have said I needed some space, or 'back up', or something, but now he can understand and use the word 'distance' instead of all those other words combined to make the same point. That is just incredible to me.
What else amazes me? Well C is not an artistic person on paper. He can build and create things out of legos that will amaze you (or maybe I'm easily amazed)... but give him crayons and paper and he will tell you 'I don't want to color cause coloring makes me boring'. His bluntness is astounding. But today during church he was handed a baggy of crayons and some coloring pages, and he SHOCKED me. First off one of the pages had the new year written out in block letters for him to color in, he TRACED them all... quite well too... yeah that doesn't sound like much, but I have been homeschooling him for 13 weeks and have been unable to get him to understand the concept and purpose of tracing, and here he was doing it on his own, and presenting it proudly to me. Then he turned to another page, with a caterpillar and a butterfly on some plants with big leaves. He colored the caterpillar pretty much the way he always colors, big scribbles, so long as the whole image is colored it has never mattered to him whether his crayon stays in the lines or not... then he hands me the crayon and says "I can't color the butterfly" I show him how to color one small part at a time, and then he goes to town, making small scribbles, hardly getting out of any lines at all, and completes the whole butterfly. This is amazing for two reasons, 1. he finished the whole picture (he refused to use any color other than blue), and 2. he cared about the work he was doing! He colored in the lines as much as possible, and spent time and effort making it his best possible. So my little boy is truly growing up and the things I show him, they take awhile to sink in but I'm encouraged that they do in deed sink in.
And then there is F. Oh my gosh she is amazing to me. And the love that flows between them gets me to the core. Lately she is attempting to potty train herself. This is just incredible to me because it took a LOT of concentrated effort to get C to understand and care what a potty was for let alone get him to use it. F will walk around tugging at the seam of her pants saying "PAAh eee" (potty) when she is going, and expect you to put her on it whether she's already gone or not. Just barely 2 and determined to do what big kids do... I don't imagine that it will take much effort at all to get her out of diapers, and since the pile is nearly gone I think we may just actually potty train her now.
These children, they are my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my emotions on legs, with arms that hug and smiles that inspire, and words and actions that teach me so much every day. And the more I see them, the more I interact with them the more I believe that there is no right way to teach a child, there is the way a child learns, and if you grasp that you can teach them anything. Which is why it is so important to me that I do teach them all I can offer, and that I'm careful not to teach them the things I wouldn't want them to learn from me, the bad habits I need to break, the insecurities that I have... I want them to learn all that I have learned in my life time, and also all that their own lives can offer them. And I pray that I'm able to do so in a manor pleasing to God, and honorable to those who have blessed their lives with that education.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Mommy from two
At the creation of this blog there was only one little person tugging at my pant legs and saying mommy, mommy, mommy! Now there are two. F has grown so much in the last two years, she is beautiful, even if her vocab is short for her age, she has a lot to say... most of it babbling, but then there is the beautiful sound of her voice the moment I walk into the house after a breif trip without my children, a rare treat for any mother, her tiny legs working douple fast, pumping and kicking to get to me as quickly as possible, and her hands striving for good balance and reaching to the sky to have me pick her up as soon as possible "mama, Mama! Mama!" and then it continues long after she has reached her target.
C also has grown so much! Currently I'm watching him attempt to life F off the floor by her hips while her hands and head are still very much on the floor. They are best friends, and annoying counterparts of each other. C is a creater, building amazing animals out of giant legos, creating both the animal and the story that will tell me about it's life, and purpose. His latest amazing creatures are a 3 foot ostrich build with the help of his daddy, and a much smaller sea turtle. He builds dragons, horses, giraffes and dinosaurs too. He is not one to sit still playing with cars, though he occassionally picks them up. He would rather build something and tell me the story about it.
C is also an expert on all things animal. He memorizes the names and facts of animals like no other child I know. He can tell you which animals are preditors (a word I believe I learned in 3rd or 4th grade, definetly not at 3 years old. It would not surprize me at all if he grew up to be a veterinarian, or zoo keeper, or some other animal related worker.
F is interested in taking apart her brothers creations, I don't think she does so out of spite, or just to destroy them, I think she is taking them apart like a surgeon would in surgery, she wants to know what each item does, why is it there? How do you put it back without distroying the whole creation. This is something that reminds me very much of stories I've heard of P when he was a child. He once took apart a chair causing problems for his unsuspecting grandmother who later sat on the disassembled chair. Her care is deep and concentrated, she also cares for the needs of others in this same manor. Pretending a baby doll is crying is second nature to her, as is shushing the baby while patting it's back, or for that matter shushing her brother when he is crying. her cute little lips (one of her best features all the way back to birth) pursing and her eyes saddening for whoever is crying. F knows a tissue or wet wipe solves a runny nose and offers them to everyone in the house regardless of whether they have a runny nose. She knows that every baby needs a paci to stop the crying.. and that a blanket and the hug of a mama can help any saddness. Her heart is big! And joyful! Every pinwheel, flower and hanging decoration needs a good blow, and when you guess correctly what it is she wants she will reward you with the biggest smile and cutest 'shy' duck and cover there ever was.
Hearing mommy over and over and over again can be a blessing and a curse. There are days that I just want to send them to bed and be done with the needs of my children for the night, but then there are nights like tonight and yesterday that I would much rather observe them and love on them, smile with them and listen to the story of C's latest flying dragon made of legos, or blow one more time on that pinwheel F has been planting on my face for the last ten minutes.
I cried yesterday because we homeschool and have only just started this year, but P was talking about sending C to public school to 'teach' him to be obedient better. Honestly I thought how could he be taught better by a person who is responsible for 30 children's education, than by one who is solely dedicated to his education and integrity training? P didnt actually mean to send C away immediately, or even to enroll him next year, but was just thinking ahead because C seems so adverse to instruction. I can teach him to learn, I can teach him the basic skills he needs in this world, I can do that, I'm perfectly confident in that... what I fear I cannot teach him is advanced Math, and Science... but those things are not going to be learned in 1st or 2nd grade, so I feel I should be allowed time to develop his character, without the assistance of a person who has no long term need to help him become the man I hope he will be. That is not to say I wont accept or even ask for assistance when needed, but to say that I don't want to give my children into someone elses hands unless I do have need for their assistance.
I am blessed to have these little being that cuddle me, demand my attention and give me the best gifts anyone in the world has ever received... a reward for simply loving them. I am an addict, I want another.
C also has grown so much! Currently I'm watching him attempt to life F off the floor by her hips while her hands and head are still very much on the floor. They are best friends, and annoying counterparts of each other. C is a creater, building amazing animals out of giant legos, creating both the animal and the story that will tell me about it's life, and purpose. His latest amazing creatures are a 3 foot ostrich build with the help of his daddy, and a much smaller sea turtle. He builds dragons, horses, giraffes and dinosaurs too. He is not one to sit still playing with cars, though he occassionally picks them up. He would rather build something and tell me the story about it.
C is also an expert on all things animal. He memorizes the names and facts of animals like no other child I know. He can tell you which animals are preditors (a word I believe I learned in 3rd or 4th grade, definetly not at 3 years old. It would not surprize me at all if he grew up to be a veterinarian, or zoo keeper, or some other animal related worker.
F is interested in taking apart her brothers creations, I don't think she does so out of spite, or just to destroy them, I think she is taking them apart like a surgeon would in surgery, she wants to know what each item does, why is it there? How do you put it back without distroying the whole creation. This is something that reminds me very much of stories I've heard of P when he was a child. He once took apart a chair causing problems for his unsuspecting grandmother who later sat on the disassembled chair. Her care is deep and concentrated, she also cares for the needs of others in this same manor. Pretending a baby doll is crying is second nature to her, as is shushing the baby while patting it's back, or for that matter shushing her brother when he is crying. her cute little lips (one of her best features all the way back to birth) pursing and her eyes saddening for whoever is crying. F knows a tissue or wet wipe solves a runny nose and offers them to everyone in the house regardless of whether they have a runny nose. She knows that every baby needs a paci to stop the crying.. and that a blanket and the hug of a mama can help any saddness. Her heart is big! And joyful! Every pinwheel, flower and hanging decoration needs a good blow, and when you guess correctly what it is she wants she will reward you with the biggest smile and cutest 'shy' duck and cover there ever was.
Hearing mommy over and over and over again can be a blessing and a curse. There are days that I just want to send them to bed and be done with the needs of my children for the night, but then there are nights like tonight and yesterday that I would much rather observe them and love on them, smile with them and listen to the story of C's latest flying dragon made of legos, or blow one more time on that pinwheel F has been planting on my face for the last ten minutes.
I cried yesterday because we homeschool and have only just started this year, but P was talking about sending C to public school to 'teach' him to be obedient better. Honestly I thought how could he be taught better by a person who is responsible for 30 children's education, than by one who is solely dedicated to his education and integrity training? P didnt actually mean to send C away immediately, or even to enroll him next year, but was just thinking ahead because C seems so adverse to instruction. I can teach him to learn, I can teach him the basic skills he needs in this world, I can do that, I'm perfectly confident in that... what I fear I cannot teach him is advanced Math, and Science... but those things are not going to be learned in 1st or 2nd grade, so I feel I should be allowed time to develop his character, without the assistance of a person who has no long term need to help him become the man I hope he will be. That is not to say I wont accept or even ask for assistance when needed, but to say that I don't want to give my children into someone elses hands unless I do have need for their assistance.
I am blessed to have these little being that cuddle me, demand my attention and give me the best gifts anyone in the world has ever received... a reward for simply loving them. I am an addict, I want another.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Super Tuesday
This blog promises to be an open hearted discussion on how I feel about the politics and religion of our culture... mostly the politics among those who have religion.
As you have read I have had a rough time with the loss of Jaemi, my ectopic baby. Here are some things as facts would have them that pertain to the later part of my post....
1. Jaemi was ectopic, actually a tubal pregnancy, located in my right Fallopian tube.
2. I had bled for nearly 20 days, some days light, some days so heavy I couldn't stand up, the last day I passed out in my bathroom.
3. The dr.s did what they could to look for my baby, but only found it that last day, located in my right tube. They monitored the amount of blood loss I had, and checked my hormone levels every other day.
4. In the end they found Jaemi in that right tube, and then without a moments notice they were packing me up from the ER to go to the OR to have Jaemi 'removed'. I felt like I didn't have a choice, I felt like they were about to murder my child to save me, but I also knew in my situation that if I didn't allow that very thing to happen I would probably die from hemorrhaging, and that if I died I wouldn't be here for my children.
5. During the surgery they opened my right fallopian tube and found that it was completely clear of obstruction, no baby there. And I started hemorrhaging worse than before, before preforming a D&C they found a tiny fluid filled sac with as they claimed 'nothing in it'. My belief is that Jaemi was taken home by God before the Dr. could remove him/her, and that being that my hormones were not increasing at the rate they should have been Jaemi just hadn't formed to the normal level of a pregnancy at that many weeks, or the dates were wrong and that was what we would have seen at that point in a normal pregnancy. either way, the 'abortion' I had, turned out to be a D&C with no abortive qualities as I had miscarried beforehand.
Now here is why that matters.
With the election coming up I've felt a lot of pressure by those who are either religious, pro-life, or Republican (individually or all of the above) to vote for Romney because if I vote for a 3rd party then I'm essentially voting for Obama.
Do I want Obama? NO.
Do I want Romney? I don't know. Do I cast my non-important vote (thanks electoral collage) for a man that I don't necessarily want to win just to prevent a man I don't want to win from doing so? I don't know.
If I vote for a 3rd party, does it matter which one considering that they just are not going to win anyway? (I still would use my moral compass to select regardless of whether my vote mattered).
I'm sure you are wondering how these things are related since with Romney abortion is a non issue. He would like to see each of the states decide... which doesn't sound incredibly bad to me, but I'm not sure about how that works for people traveling between state lines... anyway.
My vote is a moral one. I look at ALL of the issues, I weigh who is the most likely to adhere to my own personal moral convictions, and then I vote. One of the biggest moral issues is the value of human life, and up until this election I could say that very flippantly. Meaning that Romney wouldn't have a chance at my vote because he said that he was for women having abortions due to rape, incest, and issues where her own life were at risk.
“I am pro-life. I believe that abortion is the wrong choice except in cases of incest, rape, and to save the life of the mother.”July 26, 2005, Boston Globe, Why I vetoed contraception bill
A baby conceived of rape or incest is a baby too!
The hard part of my answer has been eating at my soul for the last few weeks and I've only just now come to a conclusion, two days before the election. What about babies of mothers who like me needed to save their own lives? Before having my children C and F, I would NEVER have entertained the thought of riding myself of a baby to save my own life. And actually I never really thought that getting rid of an ectopic pregnancy was that kind of issue, I just never connected the dots. But yes it kind of is. Here is the thing, if a pregnancy grows in the fallopian tube the tube will rupture, it can not stretch the way a uterus was designed to stretch as the baby grows. When that tube ruptures the mother is at great risk for infection, and death. So is it moral to be rid of the pregnancy and therefore the baby in order to save the life of the mother, when the baby never had a chance to live in the first place?
I found a video that helped me come to terms with this. Even the pro-lifers have an answer for this... despite what many people have said about me having to be pro-choice, if I made a choice to save myself rather than my baby.
My husband came home to see me bawling on the floor in the kitchen the other day, this truly tears me up. Why? not because I have not dealt with the loss of Jaemi, but because in the end the only mater that I can not come to terms with on voting for Romney is his stance on abortion. The rest of the stuff I either agree with him or don't care about enough to make a case for or against voting for him. I have plead with God to help me choose who to vote for, but all I get is to go with my morals.
My morals can not allow me to vote for a man who does not value the life of a child whose parents made bad choices (a rapist, or the relative who created a child with their own sister/daughter/mother/granddaughter... who ever they did it with)... I DO NOT mean to say that I don't feel for the woman who did not ask for this treatment of her own body and now carries a baby to remind her daily of what happened, but two wrongs never did make a right, and someone else's wrong that created a baby does not mean that you can go on to do a wrong in destroying the life growing inside of you. If this happened to you, then I suggest treatment, therapy, whatever you need to get through it, but not killing the baby.
So while my vote lands there I have these quotes running through my head. "I'd rather save 90% of the babies by voting for Romney than to have 100% of them destroyed" (speaking of the pregnancies at risk for abortion, not all pregnancies), or "In the election on Tuesday, we have only two realistic options. If you don’t vote for Romney, then you have helped Obama. And if a significant number of evangelical Christians do as you do, Obama will be elected. I could ...
As you have read I have had a rough time with the loss of Jaemi, my ectopic baby. Here are some things as facts would have them that pertain to the later part of my post....
1. Jaemi was ectopic, actually a tubal pregnancy, located in my right Fallopian tube.
2. I had bled for nearly 20 days, some days light, some days so heavy I couldn't stand up, the last day I passed out in my bathroom.
3. The dr.s did what they could to look for my baby, but only found it that last day, located in my right tube. They monitored the amount of blood loss I had, and checked my hormone levels every other day.
4. In the end they found Jaemi in that right tube, and then without a moments notice they were packing me up from the ER to go to the OR to have Jaemi 'removed'. I felt like I didn't have a choice, I felt like they were about to murder my child to save me, but I also knew in my situation that if I didn't allow that very thing to happen I would probably die from hemorrhaging, and that if I died I wouldn't be here for my children.
5. During the surgery they opened my right fallopian tube and found that it was completely clear of obstruction, no baby there. And I started hemorrhaging worse than before, before preforming a D&C they found a tiny fluid filled sac with as they claimed 'nothing in it'. My belief is that Jaemi was taken home by God before the Dr. could remove him/her, and that being that my hormones were not increasing at the rate they should have been Jaemi just hadn't formed to the normal level of a pregnancy at that many weeks, or the dates were wrong and that was what we would have seen at that point in a normal pregnancy. either way, the 'abortion' I had, turned out to be a D&C with no abortive qualities as I had miscarried beforehand.
Now here is why that matters.
With the election coming up I've felt a lot of pressure by those who are either religious, pro-life, or Republican (individually or all of the above) to vote for Romney because if I vote for a 3rd party then I'm essentially voting for Obama.
Do I want Obama? NO.
Do I want Romney? I don't know. Do I cast my non-important vote (thanks electoral collage) for a man that I don't necessarily want to win just to prevent a man I don't want to win from doing so? I don't know.
If I vote for a 3rd party, does it matter which one considering that they just are not going to win anyway? (I still would use my moral compass to select regardless of whether my vote mattered).
I'm sure you are wondering how these things are related since with Romney abortion is a non issue. He would like to see each of the states decide... which doesn't sound incredibly bad to me, but I'm not sure about how that works for people traveling between state lines... anyway.
My vote is a moral one. I look at ALL of the issues, I weigh who is the most likely to adhere to my own personal moral convictions, and then I vote. One of the biggest moral issues is the value of human life, and up until this election I could say that very flippantly. Meaning that Romney wouldn't have a chance at my vote because he said that he was for women having abortions due to rape, incest, and issues where her own life were at risk.
“I am pro-life. I believe that abortion is the wrong choice except in cases of incest, rape, and to save the life of the mother.”July 26, 2005, Boston Globe, Why I vetoed contraception bill
A baby conceived of rape or incest is a baby too!
The hard part of my answer has been eating at my soul for the last few weeks and I've only just now come to a conclusion, two days before the election. What about babies of mothers who like me needed to save their own lives? Before having my children C and F, I would NEVER have entertained the thought of riding myself of a baby to save my own life. And actually I never really thought that getting rid of an ectopic pregnancy was that kind of issue, I just never connected the dots. But yes it kind of is. Here is the thing, if a pregnancy grows in the fallopian tube the tube will rupture, it can not stretch the way a uterus was designed to stretch as the baby grows. When that tube ruptures the mother is at great risk for infection, and death. So is it moral to be rid of the pregnancy and therefore the baby in order to save the life of the mother, when the baby never had a chance to live in the first place?
I found a video that helped me come to terms with this. Even the pro-lifers have an answer for this... despite what many people have said about me having to be pro-choice, if I made a choice to save myself rather than my baby.
My husband came home to see me bawling on the floor in the kitchen the other day, this truly tears me up. Why? not because I have not dealt with the loss of Jaemi, but because in the end the only mater that I can not come to terms with on voting for Romney is his stance on abortion. The rest of the stuff I either agree with him or don't care about enough to make a case for or against voting for him. I have plead with God to help me choose who to vote for, but all I get is to go with my morals.
My morals can not allow me to vote for a man who does not value the life of a child whose parents made bad choices (a rapist, or the relative who created a child with their own sister/daughter/mother/granddaughter... who ever they did it with)... I DO NOT mean to say that I don't feel for the woman who did not ask for this treatment of her own body and now carries a baby to remind her daily of what happened, but two wrongs never did make a right, and someone else's wrong that created a baby does not mean that you can go on to do a wrong in destroying the life growing inside of you. If this happened to you, then I suggest treatment, therapy, whatever you need to get through it, but not killing the baby.
So while my vote lands there I have these quotes running through my head. "I'd rather save 90% of the babies by voting for Romney than to have 100% of them destroyed" (speaking of the pregnancies at risk for abortion, not all pregnancies), or "In the election on Tuesday, we have only two realistic options. If you don’t vote for Romney, then you have helped Obama. And if a significant number of evangelical Christians do as you do, Obama will be elected. I could ...
not live with my own conscience if I contributed, even by default, to electing a president who promoted same-sex marriage and baby-killing, which may well lead to the destruction of America."
both of these people are people that I value the opinion of, and are close to me, both of them I've talked to about my stance, and both of them agree that I have to vote for who I feel God is leading me to vote for, but I still feel as if their only reason for voting the way they are is because of fear.
I believe that God wasn't lying when he said 'for I have not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind'.... no matter who wins this election (as it certainly wont be a 3rd party'er no mater whether I vote for them or not) God still is in control, and I can't be held back from what I believe God has shown me on my vote, so that I can prevent my fears from taking place. This 'nearly republican' will not be voting for either of the two parties most loved, or feared by the Americans... I will stand up for what I TRULY want in our country... GOD! And I'm sorry but Romney doesn't serve the same God as I do, he serves a sub-par version of my God, and has sub-par values for human life. I will not vote for him.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Am I over it?
F is nearly two years old, currently crying about having been shut in her room for a nap... even though she is free to wander now. She is an amazing little girl, and I love her to pieces... We've worked through so much together. Eczema, speech delays, a late start to walking... but she is brilliant, has an amazing smile that lights up her whole face, and a very contagious laugh. She is compassionate, and emotional, and she is beautiful through and through.
Mommy is having a very hard time getting used to the idea that F is going to be 2 though. I want to cry about it nearly every day. I feel like I'm begining to really dig into my feelings over her birth, and the trauma of the event. Partly because I want another baby so badly.
We lost Jaemi back in January, and it was so very hard to deal with last month as we passed the due date of that precious little baby now resting in the arms of Jesus! So where do I go now?
I guess I'll start with the changes that we've survived. 1st, we moved across the country back in March, then we stayed 6 months in my parents house, and then less than two months ago we moved again. P has a great job working in the same field he worked in for the US Navy, and seems to doing well there... it is great to have him doing well in his field.
As we passed Jaemi's dues date I was moving into our new house, painting four rooms four different colors, and attempting to put our family back into the routine I loved once upon a time. I did great, well at least as far as anyone else would know. Really, in the quiet of my bedroom where only P and I knew about it, I grieved the tiny toes I never got to kiss, the fingers I never had wrapped around mine, and the little wiggles that a new born baby does when you are trying your hardest to get them dressed and they don't know how to co-operate with you. I was longing for the tugging feeling of a nursing infant, and the tiny fingers that dig little nails into your skin right under your arm while nursing. I cried, I pleaded with P for another baby, and I desperately hoped each time that we had sex that he would choose not to use whatever form of prevention he decided on.
With all this longing for a baby I realize two things... 1. I'm not over it. and 2. I'm not over it.
1. I'm not over Jaemi's lost life. I don't feel I need to explain this after all the last paragraph went over that pretty well.
2. I'm not over F's birth. The more I think about having another baby the more I think about the birth of said baby. After having a c-section most doctors will not support me in wanting a VBAC. After fighting with my midwife for a natural birth, I don't want to fight anyone for anything... I would rather get a midwife with experience in home birth for a VBAC. I'm pretty sick of being told by someone else what my body is capable of doing. The problem is we just moved out to timbucktoo, and there are not many options here. I found one midwife, and spoke to her, I'm confident that she would do a good job at a birth, but was not confident in her ability to handle an emergency given the things she says she brings with her to a birth. This breaks my heart, because the options are so very slim... I'd much rather interview the three midwives in this area and love all of them and be faced with the problem of which one to choose.
I also don't want to admit it, but I'm scared that something bad will happen, like uterine rupture, and who ever is supposed to be caring for me wont be able to do anything about it, and we are too far from a hospital able to care for that kind of emergency... but I don't want fear to lead my decisions... I think either a home birth, or a hospital birth would be decided on out of fear though.
If I chose to have a home birth it would be because I 1. want to have a natural birth to show even myself that God created this body of mine for the safe delivery of babies vaginally as I know it was. and 2. I'm scared of Doctors overwhelming me and discrediting my wonderful God created body and forcing interventions I don't feel are necessary on me, and then ending with a c-section.
If I choose to have a hospital birth it would be the fear of the unknown guiding my decisions, the 'what if my uterus was stiched wrong and it explodes during birth?'....
yeah.. I guess no matter what I think about having another baby, I still have a lot to work through before I could actually birth one.
Mommy is having a very hard time getting used to the idea that F is going to be 2 though. I want to cry about it nearly every day. I feel like I'm begining to really dig into my feelings over her birth, and the trauma of the event. Partly because I want another baby so badly.
We lost Jaemi back in January, and it was so very hard to deal with last month as we passed the due date of that precious little baby now resting in the arms of Jesus! So where do I go now?
I guess I'll start with the changes that we've survived. 1st, we moved across the country back in March, then we stayed 6 months in my parents house, and then less than two months ago we moved again. P has a great job working in the same field he worked in for the US Navy, and seems to doing well there... it is great to have him doing well in his field.
As we passed Jaemi's dues date I was moving into our new house, painting four rooms four different colors, and attempting to put our family back into the routine I loved once upon a time. I did great, well at least as far as anyone else would know. Really, in the quiet of my bedroom where only P and I knew about it, I grieved the tiny toes I never got to kiss, the fingers I never had wrapped around mine, and the little wiggles that a new born baby does when you are trying your hardest to get them dressed and they don't know how to co-operate with you. I was longing for the tugging feeling of a nursing infant, and the tiny fingers that dig little nails into your skin right under your arm while nursing. I cried, I pleaded with P for another baby, and I desperately hoped each time that we had sex that he would choose not to use whatever form of prevention he decided on.
With all this longing for a baby I realize two things... 1. I'm not over it. and 2. I'm not over it.
1. I'm not over Jaemi's lost life. I don't feel I need to explain this after all the last paragraph went over that pretty well.
2. I'm not over F's birth. The more I think about having another baby the more I think about the birth of said baby. After having a c-section most doctors will not support me in wanting a VBAC. After fighting with my midwife for a natural birth, I don't want to fight anyone for anything... I would rather get a midwife with experience in home birth for a VBAC. I'm pretty sick of being told by someone else what my body is capable of doing. The problem is we just moved out to timbucktoo, and there are not many options here. I found one midwife, and spoke to her, I'm confident that she would do a good job at a birth, but was not confident in her ability to handle an emergency given the things she says she brings with her to a birth. This breaks my heart, because the options are so very slim... I'd much rather interview the three midwives in this area and love all of them and be faced with the problem of which one to choose.
I also don't want to admit it, but I'm scared that something bad will happen, like uterine rupture, and who ever is supposed to be caring for me wont be able to do anything about it, and we are too far from a hospital able to care for that kind of emergency... but I don't want fear to lead my decisions... I think either a home birth, or a hospital birth would be decided on out of fear though.
If I chose to have a home birth it would be because I 1. want to have a natural birth to show even myself that God created this body of mine for the safe delivery of babies vaginally as I know it was. and 2. I'm scared of Doctors overwhelming me and discrediting my wonderful God created body and forcing interventions I don't feel are necessary on me, and then ending with a c-section.
If I choose to have a hospital birth it would be the fear of the unknown guiding my decisions, the 'what if my uterus was stiched wrong and it explodes during birth?'....
yeah.. I guess no matter what I think about having another baby, I still have a lot to work through before I could actually birth one.
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