Sometimes I realize that I've kept myself so busy that I'm not really really paying attention to my kids... do you ever do that or is it just me?
So sitting in the rocking chair offering F a bottle while she reaches up to pat my face with her little hand that seems to be getting chubbier and chubbier, so that I'll kiss the inside of her palm, I take a second to just look at her. God she is beautiful! I mean that, GOD you did GOOD! and she smiles that quirky smile up at me while the nipple on her bottle refills with air... I breathe in the smell of life renewed!
I feel like a totally different person lately. Like my life is starting to make sense, and it feels like not only will we survive this crazy life, but we will thrive! Contentment is a rare treat, like chocolate or ice cream, so good!
I did have a relapse yesterday and totally screamed at my husband for leaving me to do absolutely everything alone. It isn't true, he does help, I was just overwhelmed and then asked him if he could take on one responsibility on a regular basis, and he basically said "well that sounds like a good idea, but the couch is eating me right now." WHAT? yeah... he meant that he couldn't remove his bottom from the cushion because he was dead tired, and well 12 hour work days will do that to you, but I had very little sympathy (he even pointed this out to me) for him at that moment because my work day goes from 8am to 8pm, and then has short intervals at 10:30pm, 1:30am, and 4:20am EVERY night, and then there are the odd moments in between those that I have things to take care of because my little God given treasure is sick, had a bad dream or just needs their mama.... so my job is pretty much 24/7 and when was the last night I got more than 6 hours of sleep in a row? gosh I really don't know.. lets not think about it.
Anyway I totally didn't mean to go there! LOL. He did offer to do the job I'd held out on his days off... which sounds nice, but wont work with my new schedule making self.
I've found that being able to predict that my kids will get up at 8am have respective naps at respectable times and eat at other respectable times and play, watch tv, and go potty at other pretty well timed out times has really helped me to develop my ability to cope and thrive with my every day life. I've never been so happy!
Even as a working lady I HATED that I never had the same schedule two weeks in a row.. how was I meant to plan ANYTHING?
I found that I have the ability to slump into depression fairly easily and if I have a regular routine to follow it doesn't hit our house so hard because I can function on auto pilot until it is over and the house is still manageable when I return to happiness. And that feels like freedom, not captivity!
I have not even had to take a mommy time out lately! though I'm getting close to a need for one! I'm just thrilled that my life is going so smoothly after being a total wreck and my own mind taking control when it had no ability to only a few months ago.
Yay God for helping me to get this routine, for helping me to enjoy myself, and for giving me moments when I can sit in a rocking chair and kiss the inside of my darling baby girls palm and watch her smile up at me from the bottle that I may not have produced the contents myself, but I still can use our feeding time as a bonding time. Thank you for growing me so much this year, the year that I claim so much of your blessings and healings over my life!.