Year End Goals

A few years ago my husband and I talked about setting goals, long term, short term and in the middle ones... we wrote them down on a not so fancy piece of scrap paper and posted them on the side of the fridge. I don't remember what they all were, but I do remember that some of them have changed and others we have gotten more serious about. Changes include my husband finishing his degree. He was at the time actually pursuing it, but then changed his major and now isn't doing it at all, but researching his options to be sure of what he actually wants to pursue. The serious goal that we set for ourselves is to own our home. We didn't put a specific time frame on that one, but hoped to be actual home owners in the next 10 years. This goal was set in the spring/summer of 2013, and now it is summer/fall of 2015. I'm excited to say that we are not only on track to pay off our mortgage by December 2017, but we are probably going to make the goal even faster than that, if of course everything goes well. We have been fortunate in our family to have Patrick as our head of household. In the beginning of our marriage I really didn't understand his need to store up money in the bank, and he didn't understand my need to pay everything off as quickly as possible so as never to have debt. Now that we are eight years into our marriage we've both leveled out a bit. I know that he needs X amount of money in his bank account to feel secure and confident in his ability to care for his family, and as long as that amount is there he lets me pay off our loans as fast as I like, which is an excellent place to be. I honestly never thought about how quickly we could manage to pay off our mortgage, that is such a huge bill that I just figured it would eventually get payed off, but not for many years. I payed extra where I was able, but not on any kind of schedule for the first year, and then we attempted to pay extra here and there for awhile, but the bank didn't like our method so they switched it on me and it got a little more difficult to pay any extra for a few years, but we set our payment schedule so that by the end of the year we'd be a month ahead and I still applied a little here and there toward it. We had a renter living in the house for 5 years, and he was only required to pay what our mortgage cost us under the agreement that he would take care of the house maintenance while we lived out of state, so we were not making any kind of profit off from the arrangement. Since 2014 we have been in a spot financially where we have been able to pay a little more than normal on the house, and have decided to put all of our tax returns toward paying off this debt, and this year we have been able to save money in other areas (having moved back into our home) and apply our savings toward the principle of the loan, and it is a very exciting thing to get our statements monthly and tally up the number of payments we 'jumped over' with our little extras. I feel like God has blessed us so much, and I'm excited to see what else he has in store for us. We are hoping to pay off this home, and either sell it or rent it out again (this time for profit) and buy a home more fitted to our family and the other goals that we have. Goals like planting a garden that will sustain our family for at least a large part of the year. Goals like having a yard large enough and secure enough to let the kids play outside more often. Having a driveway long enough that they can ride their bikes on it without having to turn around after 5 ft of peddling. Having enough space in the living room to host a gathering of church members and friends for special events, and finding a home that is ours forever. I have always been sad that when my parents lost our home because of a bad loan and work situations involving my dad's company, they also lost all the memories their grandchildren could have made in that home. They lost the ability for their children to walk in their old bedrooms and remember where their furniture was, and how the room used to be painted, because not too many strangers will let you wander their home. I want my children to have those opportunities. I want them to have a place to come home to when they have grown up. I want to preserve those things for them. Don't get me wrong, one of their bedrooms is going to probably turn into a craft room, and another a guest room, but they will always be welcome home, and always have a place in it to stay the night or visit for a week, their children will always be welcome with their grandma and grandpa.. so long as I somehow, one day, am able to own my home and stay in it. I long for that stability so much... For this year, the goals I hope to meet are small. I hope to see the birth of a dear friend's baby in December. I hope to celebrate my dear little 'moo moo's 2nd birthday with friends surrounding us. I hope to have a great party for Sapphira and Caeden, and I hope to enjoy more of our home school journey instead of just trying to get through it alive. Life is a journey, not a destination though, and no matter what my goals are for tomorrow, it is how I pursue them today that matters.

No need to prepare

The last few days I have had pregnancy on my mind. As a precaution I decided to test this morning. The thing is, I didn't believe for one second that the little test window would have two lines in it. I knew intuitively that I wasn't pregnant, but I wanted to have proof, you could suggest waiting for the inevitable show of my period, but that takes a few days...and I had no patience this morning. As I sat down to do the business of testing my heart suddenly traveled back in time, I had sat in this same place when I tested positive for my oldest son, in this same place when I tested for my dear Saera who only a few weeks later left me while sitting in this same place. I placed the test on the bathroom scale to wait for it's answer and I realized that although I didn't think I was pregnant, I wanted desperately to be pregnant. I've been searching for an answer for why God gave me a baby and then so soon took it away. I know God gave me Saera, he told me I was going to be pregnant before I even got pregnant. He told me to trust him, and I did, I still do... then a little while before finding out I was pregnant I woke up just knowing that I was pregnant for a girl. I laughed at myself because I didn't even have proof of being pregnant yet and just knew I was carrying a little girl. My daughter's sister, a little girl she could share her bedroom with, and play with, and dress up with, someone she could get excited with as a teenager, the way only girls can. I wanted so badly to see this relationship, it was one of the first things on my mind when I had the thought of being pregnant for a girl. Then unexpectedly my baby was gone. A little bubble on a piece of toilet paper, frail and clear. She was gone. Now I am waiting in the bathroom to find out if there is another baby in my womb and hoping that there is, even though I know there is not. The test gets darker and darker, the time passes and finally the time is up, if there were going to be two lines they would have both shown up by now... there is only one. Unexpectedly I begin to cry, not little sad tears, big crocodile tears. I'm not crying for a baby that never was, I'm cying because Saera should be kicking in my womb right now. She should be nearly here. I should be less than four weeks away from saying hello to her. I should have gotten Moo moo out of the crib and into his own big boy bed in preparation for the coming baby. I should be crocheting little booties and sewing little clothes. I should be preparing for birth, my birth. I should be round and swollen and beautifully pregnant, but I'm not. I am in fact the skinniest that I've been in the last year. I should be feeling Saera's head and patting her butt the way I did when I was pregnant for my three living children. But the reality is that I'm not. I'm not pregnant with Saera, I'm not pregnant at all. Somehow the idea of being pregnant right now would make Saera's disappearance more manageable right now. I could say "God needed this new baby in the world to do something amazing that only it could" or something along those lines to make myself feel better, but the truth is that God gave me Saera and then decided to take her back home long before I could decipher a finger or toe, before her heart was even fully formed, before I had a chance to feel her move or see her on an ultrasound, before the world could even know she existed. I don't understand, but I don't blame God for this loss. I don't understand, but I still love God deeply. I know he has a plan for my future, a plan to bless me. I can't understand everything, it isn't for me to know everything. All I know is that I have three children on this earth, and likely won't have any more, and that I love them deeply, and will soldier on through my hurts, frustrations and struggles and teach them about the goodness of God, while silently mourning the fact that I can not do the same for either Jaemi or Saera. They are my precious babies too. I can't stop loving them, I can't forget they were there, inside me, and I can't forget that they didn't get to feel a hug from me, or be cradled by my arms, but they are hugged and cradled by God, and who is better than a mother cradling her child? The creator of that child must be! Jaemi, and Saera, Mommy loves you, and I miss you daily. I may never have gotten to prepare for your births, I may never have felt your movements in my belly, but I have loved you deeply every moment since you came to be. I can't wait to see you in heaven one day, and for the first time every hold you in my arms. Love Mommy.

Meeting kindred spirits

I have been off from facebook for a long time, but recently got back on, I don't enjoy facebook at all, and am not exactly excited to be on it again, but my business really needed it. At least I hope it does! I am a doula, I think I've mentioned that once or twice. We are usually known for our ability to work with other doulas. It is an area that doulas pride themselves on, the ability to network and not feel competitive with other doulas. In that, I realized I really need to get to know other doulas, and it was unfortunate but I wasn't getting anywhere emailing them. So I turned to face book. I couldn't send anyone a message using my business page, but I could if I had a personal page again, so I signed back in, after about 2 and a half years of not having that thing dictate my life. I realize now that the problem isn't with having a profile, it is with people who read it, and the amount that I allow them to see into my life. I don't have to be validated by others if I don't post every thing I do in a day for everyone to see. I don't have to feel like a failure when I see the successes that other people have when I'm not posting either. One thing I wasn't prepared for was the flood of emails Facebook would send me after signing back in. I actually went through my friend list and just knocked a bunch of it out, you know the people who have not tried to contact me in the last 2.5 years.... they were gone. Granted I'm a push over and friended them again as soon as they asked me to... but I figured they missed me and wanted to know how I was... so I'd let them. The thing I have really loved about getting back on though is that I really have connected with a few women in the doula community! I only knew of one before, so I really only had one contact that I could refer people to if needed, but now I have about 10 women that I intend on getting to know on a deeper level and really know if I could pass business along to them. The BEST thing ever is that I've invited a few to a tea party at my home this month, and while I kinda thought they sounded excited to come to a tea party I was shocked to see that they wanted not only to come, but to PARTICIPATE... I mean with the dresses and hats and everything! I love the friends I have already, I couldn't ever even consider replacing those relationships, but I'm excited to get out and get to know more women who are like-minded! I'm a little girl at heart, and I'm so happy to have found a few women who are similar!

Things I love

This is the kind of afternoon I wish I could have every day!
This or attending a birth.

Our first week of school

This week has been exactly the challenge I thought it would be.  It is great that I know what to expect from my children,  I know that Caeden will show extreme excitement about something and then extreme aversion to following the instructions of the leader (a trait I pray he can work out before his adult life) and that his attention is usually not on his assignment though he is so smart he could have them finished in minutes if he could focus his pencil on the paper.
I know that Sapphira thinks it is funny to give the wrong answer even when she knows the right one, thus making it hard to know if she does or does not truly understand the subject matter.
I know that moo moo is totally jealous of anyone getting my attention and has to be treated as much like the other children as possible plus lots of cuddles and snacks and drinks when I am attempting to educate his brother and sister.
I know these things.... but I don't know how to change them or work with or around them.  I fear Caeden will go so slowly that he will grow even more bored with math and stay in 2nd grade level long into 3rd grade simply because after answering a question he forgets to write down the answer. That he will hate me for pushing him so hard to read and write and spell when they are such monumental educational foundations.
I don't know how to express to my daughter that giving the wrong answer to gain mommy's attention (because Caeden demands so much of it to get through a task) will not help her.
I don't know how to settle moo moo down and help him feel loved and not pushed out when keeping him on my lap is such a distraction for his siblings.
We made progress yesterday in all areas.  It took Caeden longer to do his spelling but considerably less time to write in his journal.  And he was on a roll with math so I know beyond a doubt he understands it, he just needs to write down the answers.  
Sapphira finally started showing me she does know her shapes and colors pulling out a blue crayon for the color of her bed in a drawing she was making and telling me her bed was blue, and later saying that my legs made a square the way I was sitting, and she was correct.
Micah's nap time has sorted it's self out after 3 days of him demanding not to sleep when I put him in his crib and didn't return for him until long after his brother fell asleep and he was threatening to wake him up. He now naps during the second part of our school day,  and he is awake when the other children lay down for their own naps.  This gives me no break but it allows me to focus on cuddling my moo moo without distraction and educating Caeden and Fia without his distraction.
The best part of this school year is that while I face these age and personality issues I am not faced with figuring out each day and it's activities week by week.  We have a very direct comprehensive school schedule that is both flexible and easy to follow so I can make my day flow amazingly well regardless of the challenges I come across.
As stressful as homeschooling your child can be (what no one told you that part?) It is also amazing to be responsible for their every achievement and discovery, to see their faces light up when they finally understand something.  And most of all to watch them grow in character and size at the same time.

Homemade vanilla yogurt!

I heard recently that you could make your own yogurt and nearly flipped my lid... what a profound idea!  It never even occurred to me that it was possible!

I am currently making my 3rd batch. Batch number one was sweetened with honey.. yummy but my husband was not completely in love with the flavor of honey in his yogurt.
Batch number 2 was sweetened with homemade vanilla extract and sugar.  It was delicious I must say, but not as sweet as the store bought and therefore my nearly two year old didn't devour it as fast, so batch number three I have added an extra bit of sugar to sweeten it more... I am excited to see how it tastes!

I promise to put instructions on this blog just as soon as I have perfected my process but in the mean time believe me when I say this is ridiculously easy to make, simple and healthy eating for the whole family!

Good morning!

Believe it or not it is 4 am and I am totally awake!  This is my new wake up time as we are starting school.  No my husband doesn't wake up for another 2 hours, my children may be up in 2.5-3 hours, but I am up now.
Why? Because I am excited to start the school year out right.  Over the summer my husband had several occasions at work that gave him extra time, and required him to wake up at 4 am,  I always get up to prepare him a breakfast and lunch and then do my bible study, and I found that on the days he woke up at 4am, I was much more prepared for the children when they woke up.  My day flowed so much smother and I got a lot more done as well as spent quality time with my family, all good things!
Today is Caeden's first day of 2nd grade, and Sapphira's first day of preschool.  I am seriously excited to be starting this year out!
Caeden was apprehensive about school last year and I worried he would struggle against me when we started again,  but he is excited too!  Sapphira loves school and is excited to do anything related to it as well.  We even bought Micah a set of large crayons and a notebook to color in, last year toward the end he was adamant that he had school work to do with us so he got to color and was happy to join us!
I am hoping to post more each day as we travel through the school year, but we shall see. .. I have so far, not been a reliable blogger. 
As we begin school we are going to be focusing on attentiveness and frontiersman.  Caeden is especially excited to learn about tracking animals and we will be going on a family nature hike this weekend, Caeden will have the opportunity to earn his meal by collecting animal "furs" (pictures of animals). 
Let's get started! Not a moment to lose!