Tuesday, September 8, 2015
No need to prepare
The last few days I have had pregnancy on my mind. As a precaution I decided to test this morning. The thing is, I didn't believe for one second that the little test window would have two lines in it. I knew intuitively that I wasn't pregnant, but I wanted to have proof, you could suggest waiting for the inevitable show of my period, but that takes a few days...and I had no patience this morning. As I sat down to do the business of testing my heart suddenly traveled back in time, I had sat in this same place when I tested positive for my oldest son, in this same place when I tested for my dear Saera who only a few weeks later left me while sitting in this same place. I placed the test on the bathroom scale to wait for it's answer and I realized that although I didn't think I was pregnant, I wanted desperately to be pregnant. I've been searching for an answer for why God gave me a baby and then so soon took it away. I know God gave me Saera, he told me I was going to be pregnant before I even got pregnant. He told me to trust him, and I did, I still do... then a little while before finding out I was pregnant I woke up just knowing that I was pregnant for a girl. I laughed at myself because I didn't even have proof of being pregnant yet and just knew I was carrying a little girl. My daughter's sister, a little girl she could share her bedroom with, and play with, and dress up with, someone she could get excited with as a teenager, the way only girls can. I wanted so badly to see this relationship, it was one of the first things on my mind when I had the thought of being pregnant for a girl. Then unexpectedly my baby was gone. A little bubble on a piece of toilet paper, frail and clear. She was gone. Now I am waiting in the bathroom to find out if there is another baby in my womb and hoping that there is, even though I know there is not. The test gets darker and darker, the time passes and finally the time is up, if there were going to be two lines they would have both shown up by now... there is only one. Unexpectedly I begin to cry, not little sad tears, big crocodile tears. I'm not crying for a baby that never was, I'm cying because Saera should be kicking in my womb right now. She should be nearly here. I should be less than four weeks away from saying hello to her. I should have gotten Moo moo out of the crib and into his own big boy bed in preparation for the coming baby. I should be crocheting little booties and sewing little clothes. I should be preparing for birth, my birth. I should be round and swollen and beautifully pregnant, but I'm not. I am in fact the skinniest that I've been in the last year. I should be feeling Saera's head and patting her butt the way I did when I was pregnant for my three living children. But the reality is that I'm not. I'm not pregnant with Saera, I'm not pregnant at all. Somehow the idea of being pregnant right now would make Saera's disappearance more manageable right now. I could say "God needed this new baby in the world to do something amazing that only it could" or something along those lines to make myself feel better, but the truth is that God gave me Saera and then decided to take her back home long before I could decipher a finger or toe, before her heart was even fully formed, before I had a chance to feel her move or see her on an ultrasound, before the world could even know she existed. I don't understand, but I don't blame God for this loss. I don't understand, but I still love God deeply. I know he has a plan for my future, a plan to bless me. I can't understand everything, it isn't for me to know everything. All I know is that I have three children on this earth, and likely won't have any more, and that I love them deeply, and will soldier on through my hurts, frustrations and struggles and teach them about the goodness of God, while silently mourning the fact that I can not do the same for either Jaemi or Saera. They are my precious babies too. I can't stop loving them, I can't forget they were there, inside me, and I can't forget that they didn't get to feel a hug from me, or be cradled by my arms, but they are hugged and cradled by God, and who is better than a mother cradling her child? The creator of that child must be! Jaemi, and Saera, Mommy loves you, and I miss you daily. I may never have gotten to prepare for your births, I may never have felt your movements in my belly, but I have loved you deeply every moment since you came to be. I can't wait to see you in heaven one day, and for the first time every hold you in my arms. Love Mommy.