***warning the following blog contains some graphic details.***
Putting this all into words is supposed to be therapy for me... I'm not sure how much that is working at the moment, but I'm willing to give it a try. Last Friday I went to the ER for the second time, almost exactly a week after the first visit when I found out that I was expecting and probably miscarrying our 3rd child. I'll back up just a little more.
I've had people coming to help me with food and cleaning and stuff as they are able, and one of the sweet people that I had coming was Ami, she is still being a super helpful friend, and to be honest I didn't even know her well before all this, though I wanted to. Anyway, I got up from my modified bed rest to take my daughter F to bed. I had to get her a bottle first so I walked from my living room to the dining room before realizing that the previously brown spotting I had been experiencing had turned into a light period like flow and that it wasn't going to stop. I sat on the floor realizing that once again this could be the end of a life that I had hardly known to expect but cherished already so much. I had C get me my phone while I coddled F on the floor trying to keep it together but realizing I needed help and very soon, I wouldn't be able to get my kids in bed alone. P wasn't getting back into town until Wednesday (as I write this I'm looking forward very much to his coming home tomorrow evening.) I texted Ami, I really couldn't talk to anyone I was sobbing. I asked if she could come over, she responded quickly and said yes.
When Ami arrived she mothered me, she sat on the floor and swept my hair from my face and gave me a hug, I needed it but it felt odd since I really didn't know her that well... we have become rather close since this... I love her dearly! She instantly got to work for me once I told her what was happening, and I took myself to the restroom. She ended up calling her hubby and informing him of the rest of the evenings plans, He would come over once we got my children in bed, and she would come with me to the ER I was too nervous to do it alone. She helped me to get F dressed and diapered and read a story to her, and put her in bed, then she worked on Caeden while I laid in bed a few more minutes... and made my way to the living room.
Jae, Ami's husband showed up a few minutes later with their daughter to camp out at my house until Ami and I could return from the ER. I'm blessed just thinking of all they did. Ami informed later that she had just sat down to a margarita with Jae as I texted her... she said it to say she was glad she hadn't drank it already, but I felt like I probably ruined a romantic evening that I know with a 3 year old in the house is a hard thing to accomplish.
At the ER Ami held my hand as I had my blood drawn, she held my hand when they inserted the IV that I probably didn't need but the Dr wouldn't allow me ANYTHING by mouth so i took the IV feeling a bit dehydrated anyway. When I had my pelvic exam she stayed just outside the door, making sure no one wandered in at just that moment. And when they did the ultrasound that again found nothing she stood by. And when they informed me of my hormone levels and basically ignored me when I tried to tell them that they were the same as Wednesdays (because they didn't have Wednesday's info because it went to my own Dr's office not the ER). I became antsy, overcome with grief, just KNOWING I'd lost my baby... and that it was all over. Ami was there, she talked to me, distracted me and held my hand. When they finally allowed me water and took the IV out of my hand and the nurse came to tell me I was going home and I nearly fainted, it was Ami who adjusted my bed and made the ringing in my ears go away, calmed my nerves and kept me from passing out. The nurse just took my blood pressure and said it was probably anxiety.. yeah thanks dude!
Since Friday Ami has been here every day, helping with the kids, and cleaning and dinner. I manage all day until dinner time, but once that time comes I can't give my 3 year old directions to get dinner ready (he gets yogurt and an orange or apple for himself for breakfast, and he gets bread mayo and sandwich meat for lunch and then puts them away for me too) dinner is just too complicated. Ami takes care of us. Other people have blessed us too in this ordeal, but none as much as Ami.
Yesterday she showed up at the door with small yellow roses in a green vase. I saw them and nearly cried. Partially because I've never gotten get well flowers before, I've gotten birthday flowers, and I've gotten date night flowers, and just because P loves me flowers, but not get well flowers, I don't know why that is a big deal but it is. The other reason I nearly cried right then was that only an hour before I had passed a blood clot that clearly had tissue in it. I kept it in a bag wondering if the Doctor's office would request to see it. They said no, but as gross as it sounds I've kept it in the bag just behind my trashcan by the toilet, because if I get word from the doctor today that my hormone levels have dipped as I believe they would have then I plan to dig a tiny hole and bury my baby, or the only thing I have that could be my baby, I just can't imagine flushing it down the toilet as if it were a dead fish.
So I'm waiting, waiting to hear if the news I believe to be true (that I lost my baby) actually is true... I'm waiting, waiting to have P back home to give me a hug and tell me he loves me, and gently kiss my forehead. Waiting for God to show me how big he really is and work a few miracles in our housing situation, since P is coming home without having accomplished the goal of getting us a house. I'm waiting for that peace that passes understanding and the rest that God promises the weary. I'm waiting on the hand of God to take control of all these things that are so obviously out of my control. I'm waiting on God.