After being terrified and uncertain all weekend long God certainly asked me to preform and trust to my greatest ability yesterday!
The day started out with dropping P off at the airport so that he could go and start the process of purchasing a house for us in OK. That was at 6am, so of course my little sleepers were sound asleep and had to be woken, they handled it like champs, or maybe I'm getting better at this? Normally waking these two is a bad idea! We made it to the airport, dropped daddy off and I kept my tears in check... I knew at that point that the day would be emotional.
Then we went home, had breakfast and packed the diaper bag (after getting C and F dressed) and headed to the sitter's house. She was only available to me between 9:30am and 11am, so I knew I had to make the most of my time. Headed to the lab to get my blood drawn, had to make a quick stop across the hall and get a sprite because I felt like crap and thought maybe the sugar would make me feel a little less ill.
Then I fought to get someone sweet to draw my blood because I faint and didn't have P with me. After making someone mad, and probably getting someone else in trouble I had a great lady take care of me! She talked to me about her daughter and her cousin and anything that kept conversation flowing while she got things ready, and it helped so much, and then she got me talking by asking me a question that required a longer answer, and stuck me while I was talking. People have told me in the past to talk to them and I've never been able to do it, I forced myself to keep telling the story and when she finished she kept talking and asking me questions. That is the part I usually faint at. There was a moment when I thought I was going to lose it, but it passed without episode! I'm so glad that God worked in my favor and that my complaining about the previous person who drew my blood didn't backfire on me! I sipped my soda a little more and made it out of the lab without even getting nauseated!
I was told that if by that time I had not heard from my doctor's office I should stop in to hear my results... so I did... and though I had called that morning and they said all they could do was leave a message for Ulga, when I got to the office they said the VERY SAME THING! I cried, and she put 'urgent' on the note... I didn't really feel like anyone really cared that I was in turmoil trying to figure out whether our baby was still striving... which was SO hard to handle.
I left to pick up my kids as I was already running a little late, and we all went home for naps, which were very needed. I should have slept too, but I was to anxious that the doctors office was going to call. When they didn't I called again, this is my 3rd contact with them, and again they 'put in a note'. a few hours later as their day was beginning to end and I knew their office would close soon I called again, this time I spoke with the office manager, who didn't like that I had no patience, but also understood my anxiety. She again said I'd have to wait for Ulga to call me, but she at least said she would 'walk directly to her' and give the message instead of sending one via e-mail.
Ulga did finally call, and I love the woman but she was confused.. I'm glad I figured out what she was saying instead of listening to her.. she began to tell me that my test results were that my hormone level was at 6,358 (up from 3146 on Thursday) and that it looked like I was indeed miscarrying... I was confused because I was pretty sure an increase like that would NOT mean miscarriage. I asked her what the date on the test was, as I was thinking it was Friday, and she told me it was from Monday, and then got quiet said to wait a moment, and then said 'no that is from Friday... let me check for today's results and call you back.' She did call back, at the end of the day, but without results, she said on my voicemail that I must have gone in too late in the afternoon... which is HILARIOUS since I had arrived at 9:45am and managed to get home by 12 noon! But I don't mind if she wants to think that, it doesn't change the fact that she doesn't have the result yet. And the lab and the doctor's office both were very busy so I'm ok with just Friday's results for now.... they look THAT promising to me!
Anyway, before hearing anything about my test results P called me and says that weather at his layover location is horrible and because his flight was so delayed he missed his connecting flight and wouldn't be able to get out until the next day 'most likely'. So then I suggested that he see if he could transfer his ticket to another city and either drive or get a connecting flight from their to where he was trying to get to. They transferred him just fine, but then I had to call Expedia to get him a connecting flight or a car rental, it ended up being a VERY late night for him, but he did arrive, and though he would have preferred if I had chosen the car over the jet he got over it and arrived just fine and even saved us a little money too.
P is super stressed about the future, and one of our wonderful friends pointed out to him that God doesn't give us a spirit of fear, but of peace and love and of a sound mind... and I think it helped him! He called me this morning and told me that. We still have not talked about the baby since our initial conversation yesterday, but I think he is de-stressing a little. He truly has so much weight on his shoulders, to provide for us, as we agreed that I would be a stay at home mom. So he has to get a job, find us a house, and try to take care of all of our financial needs... and medical needs too, since this pregnancy hasn't started out the greatest that is a worry, and my last birth was a c-section so that worries him too, and F has to see a neurologist and if they find out she has what they are suggesting she might then she will need an MRI every year for the rest of her life.... that is a lot of pressure...
BUT... I really think that God has a plan, and I have hope in Him, and in his power, and in Philippians 4:6-9 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-meditate on these things. The things with you learned and received and heard and saw in my, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.
These are the promises I will stand on! I love that my God has a plan, and that *I* don't have to make the plan, but just follow the blueprints.