It seems incredibly fitting to me that the week before mother's Day I would experience a rather large meltdown. I mean what other time of year are your reminded so fully of what this job actually is?
I have a personal relationship with the holiday since I was born on it,but it came as a shock to me when I realized it was coming so quickly this year. The 2ND Sunday of May just doesn't seem like it could be on the 8th day of the month... And yet it is, and will be this year.
My husband asked what I wanted, I said "a day off,not away from you guys, but just a day where I don't have to do mother stuff,and if not that then chocolate and flowers are a great fall back."
Let's face it I can't and won't get a day off, first off it is impossible not to be a mother once you are one, and 2ND,I love my job and couldn't possibly not do it when it is there for me to do.
So why then would I be having a meltdown? Probably I'm extra hormonal or something... But I woke up this morning with a light in my eyes, the kids were being good,the day was starting out right, and then I learned that my preferred presidential candidate was exiting the race.... I figured it was happening by all the things I had seen on facebook but hadn't actually heard the words. This alone would never have resulted in my toddler like tantrum, but I will honestly say I wanted to cry.
After pulling my act together I went on to teach my daughter a reading lesson while my oldest son worked on his spelling lesson, things were cruising along nicely, until I got a phone call from my church. The meeting I had scheduled two weeks ago for today was being rescheduled, and when would I prefer it, Tuesday or Wednesday next week. This was crushing for a few reasons.
I have excitedly been attempting to tell someone at the church about a ministry that was laid on my heart since last November, two weeks ago it was evident that the effort was falling on deaf ears,and going no where so I contacted the pastor via email, and he suggested I schedule a meeting with his secretary, which I did, but he was out of town for the week and then was completely booked for the following week so the earliest I could see him was Wednesday of this week... Today. And I printed out pages, took notes spent time in prayer, asked others to pray, researched everything I thought might be helpful, and contacted another church that is already involved in the ministry. And now I have to wait another week. I know I feel like a baby to be upset about waiting a week, but save your laughter... The root of my problems has to do with God's direction for my life.
After rescheduling my appointment I went on to finish my daughters reading lesson and then my oldest sons lesson, things were going well but he was struggling with his concentration, and while that is normally a problem it seemed more evident today,so I stopped him to ask what was going on, and why he was struggling. Just as our conversation was wrapping up and we were getting to the root of the problem my daughter enters the room to say that my youngest son has pooped in his underwear.
He is potty training and this is expected, but today I had made a huge effort to be on top of him, knowing that he usually does this in the morning,and asking him frequently to use the toilet, which he was doing each time I asked... But the poop hadn't come yet... And now it had and I missed the chance to get him on the toilet. Disappointed I went to the bathroom, careful not to take my frustration out on the boy I sat him on the toilet and began cleaning out his soiled underwear in the toilet.
After cleaning him up I sobbed, ugly tears, again... Because only a little earlier I had asked God in a big sob fest what service he wanted from me... Because my doula profession is at a ginormous stand still (I have one client booked for the whole year and she isn't due until November) and the ministry I've worked so hard to present to the church keeps hitting rocky roads and stand stills, so the only ministry I have been doing, which is the greatest calling ever is motherhood... Like I said, it's the greatest, but it is also ridiculous.
I'm sobbing on the floor of my dirty bathroom with poopy underwear in my hands and realizing that the greatest ministry God has called me to is to be a servant, something I normally love and enjoy even in difficult times, but right now all I want is to not have to touch anyone else's poop for the rest of my life, but in the throes of motherhood with small people,the biggest part of my ministry to God is to clean up poop from my toddlers.
I'm not dreaming of becoming the greatest minister ever known, I'm not dreaming of riches or fame, I just want to give God His glory, and the ministry he has undoubtedly called me to at this moment of my life is the cleaning of poop.
I will gladly do it... As long as it needs doing, for as many children as need it done... But allow me a moment to break down in the bathroom amidst toddler poop today... Because I'm still learning to humble myself,and it doesn't come easy.
To all my poop cleaning lady friends... Happy Mother's Day.
May every day, even the hardest ones serve as a reminder that giving glory to God isn't about us, and it is often a bitter, and hard pill to swallow, but is always fruitful, and worth every effort.