Mommy and Me

Mommy and Me
Sharing life with you is fullfilling

Thursday, February 19, 2015

The results are in

So it turns out the testing was limited to one test, and the results are in. Our family will remain mostly unchanged.  I however will be changed forever.
Last December just as my cycle was ending and a new month was beginning I lay in bed taking my temperature,  doing my best to be faithful to the promise I have made to my husband to give him all the information I could regarding my cycles and letting him and God choose what would happen.  I distinctly heard the voice of the Holy Spirit speak to me. "Trust me" he said. I almost laughed out loud.  I knew he meant that I was going to become pregnant again.  I felt that God should have been telling Patrick that, not me.
Sure enough my cycle was CRAZY and Patrick and I miscommunicated a few times leading us both to believe our family size was probably about to change.  I was excited and nervous,  Patrick didn't want more kids, but I knew he would warm up to it.
The day my period was due I took a test,  it was faint but positive.  A few hours later the line had disappeared but I knew what I saw. I had jokingly told Patrick that if I was pregnant I was going to have his best friend tell him. The idea had really grown on me, so I called our friends and let them decide how to give Patrick our wonderful news.
That night as we celebrated Art's 30th birthday he opened his presents and then gave a gift to Patrick saying he was sorry that he hadn't bought Patrick a Christmas present last month and that here was his late gift.
The box was big. Patrick opened it and out popped three balloons with the words "welcome baby" written on them, and four pictures of a positive pregnancy test. .. not mine since the line had disappeared. On each picture was written the words "congratulations on baby #4". Patrick was dumbfounded for a minute and then he came and hugged me. It was the best announcement ever!
I took another test the next morning and again saw a faint positive line that again disappeared a few hours later. I know a positive is a positive and all but I wanted that dang line to stay in place. So I bought another test, this time one with pink dye as those are supposed to be less faulty.  I couldn't wait to take it so I went to the bathroom and took it when Patrick was having a nap. I showed it to him and felt like a kid at easter searching for eggs, only instead of eggs I wanted a cheerful expression from my husband.
The line on the pink dye test stayed... it is still there now.
The following Friday I decided to tell my mom. She was surprisingly supportive.  I thought at least she would have picked on us for getting pregnant so quickly after saying we were done, and at most she would have only faked her excitement,  but she didn't,  she was fully supportive.  And happy even. I asked her what changed, a year earlier she and my sister individually gave me the birth control talk... she said I had matured a lot since then.  I don't necessarily agree but it was a compliment from my mother and I will take it.
On Monday morning at 4 am I woke up to bleeding.  Our baby was leaving us so shortly after arriving in our lives.  I bled for two days and spotted for about another 4 or 5, it wasn't as painful as I thought it would be, and didn't last as long, wasn't even a typical period amount of blood, hope started building inside my heart.
I read everything I could find on the Internet,  someone said vanishing twin syndrome, I prayed but I felt empty. A week went by and I needed to know if my baby was still there so I scheduled a visit with a midwife who could test my blood and see what was going on. We expected two tests, one for a base line and one to see the changes in my hormone levels, I would only get one.
The morning of the test I was totally stressed out. I yelled at the kids and broke down crying more than once... I am ashamed of my behavior to be honest.  I also felt nauseous which I took to be a good sign.
After having my blood drawn I was feeling good about the possibility of still being pregnant.  I had read about breakthrough bleeding and that bleeding in pregnancy happens in a lot of cases (not any of mine but Jaemi's, but every pregnancy is different right) I even read it was more common in twin pregnancy and that usually both babies were fine. I hoped for twins. Hoped badly that this could all be explained by the presence of twins in my uterus.
Thursday at 10 I should have expected a call from the midwife.  She called at 8. She immediately explained that she was so sorry to tell me my baby was gone,  not going, gone.
Hcg levels are supposed to double every 3-4 days,  you can have up to a 10 any day without pregnancy,  mine was less than 2.
I had spent a whole 4 days building up hope in something that had already happened/disappeared,  something and someone I would never meet, and because I had hoped the news was doubly good, when it wasn't it felt doubly bad.
I called Patrick and he came home to be with me. I didn't necessarily feel like he should leave work, but I am so glad he did.
We named our baby Sara Lynn.  Sara was the name Patrick choose and Lynn because my mother's middle name is Lynn and she was far nicer to me than I had expected her to be. It is sort of becoming a tradition to name our lost babies after people who out of nowhere show kindness that wasn't expected or deserved when we are loosing a baby.  Jaemi Hale was a compilation of a family of people who cared for me while I lost him/her. Jamean Amy and Haley.
Sara is my lost princess. I woke up a few days before I got that positive pregnancy test thinking to myself, "this baby is a girl"... I didn't know I was pregnant then so I brushed it off until after the test, and then I knew like I knew with Fia... I was having a girl.
Now my girl is in heaven, with Jaemi,  and I don't even know why. I do however trust that God is in control. .. and one day my heart will mend a little and I will see my children in heaven one day.

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