I've been thinking, and talking, and dwelling, and resting... among all the packing and cleaning and garage sale managing. The conclusion that I've drawn is this.
Life really does go on forever.
Hear me out. Some people's lives will go on in memories from their families, or contributions they made to society, or whatever. Other people (those who have accepted Christ) will go on to live in Heaven and worship God through service, action, music, whatever.... I wont get into my theories on heaven and hell or anythign here it has nothing to do with my thoughts.
But here are the lives that I've been thinking on.
The sweetest boy God ever created, and let me help in the molding of his young life. The day he was born my heart sprung out of my chest and connected to his instantly... I will never forget it. The day he stopped breathing as a 7 week old infant I thought my own life was ending. I cried enough tears to fill a bath tub I'm sure. The day he learned to crawl... well not really crawl but more like plant his face on the floor kick his feet in the air and somehow wrangle his body forward on the floor I was the proudest mommy there ever was. His knack for dancing like a penguin, calling Anteaters "aunt becky's" and all his tiny quirks are absolutely the spark to a burning flame that grows brighter and brighter by the day, and my love for him is beyond belief.
Things with F were not as easy in the beginning and I didn't have that instant love for her like with C, but every day m heart just leaps from my chest when she smiles at me, or comes to my knees with that goofy grin and squinty eyes and starts laughing just to laugh. Her knack for finding things that were hidden or lost, and her curiousity about how things work, her love of pictures in books, and the way she points and wants to know what absolutely everything is called and even repeats the names of the things but then wont say them for any reason beyond that initial reason. Her love of her dad, and the way she doesn't give hugs but rather tucks her arms under her body leans her head on your shoulder and expects you to wrap your arms around her in a comfy embrace.
The love of my life, the gift that God gave me and I wonder daily why he blessed me so much. The way he thinks that if he is eating too much for his diet and I tell him that it isn't healthy he smiles and offers to share with me... as if letting me indulge in his guilty pleasure takes the guilt off from him. The way he stands up to his mom to defend me when our views clash. The Love he has for me, especially when I'm sad, hurt or grumpy. I've put this man through so very much, but he stays constant, he loves me no matter what. The best most recent thing this loving man did for me was just talking to me about Jaemi. I feel like if we don't talk about my baby then people don't believe that Jaemi exists, but P took the time, talked to me, and showed me that he could imagine our baby too. I love this guy!
Jaemi is in heaven, I never got to see the sweet smile, the eyes that grow bigger at the sight of a familiar face, the chubby fingers that would have traced my mouth and pulled at my teeth (all babies do that right? or is it just mine?) I think about the laughter that would have sounded from that sweet mouth, the hair that I don't know the color of. I think about whether Jaemi would have been into sports or art, video games or nature.... all of those thoughts and none of them answered... but that does NOT mean that Jaemi doesn't have hopes, fears, interests, and love... it just means that I have to wait until my own visit to heaven to meet my little one! Sometimes I hear about near death experiences and I wonder, I know I didn't die on the operating table, but not everyone with that sort of experience does, I wonder if I could have met my baby and I just don't remember.... probably not... it would be a painful thing to leave your child like that. But I'm excited to meet Jaemi, and I'm sure that my baby will be waiting for my hugs when I get to heaven and finally meet them!
She is gone, and I have no proof that dogs get to go to heaven, but I like to think that the greatest dog in the world passed on to heaven and is now caring for my baby, she used to lick C and play with him like he was her puppy, I wonder if Jaemi is her puppy now. Tristen taught herself the first trick she ever learned, she begged for food while I was cooking... I didn't even know dogs actually did that aside from because a human told them too, but there she was, this fluffy bundle of fur sitting up on her back legs, her front paws dangling and her nose sniffing the air hoping for a scrap. I loved that she only chewed on things for a short time, and that her favorite thing to chew was cords rather than shoes, a few lamps didn't make it, and a pair of my glasses were ruined, but the whole chewing phase was so quick. I loved that she would come for attention and once she got a little love she'd go on, she didn't beg for attention constantly, but she loved the attention she got. I loved that she was potty trained in such a short time and rarely ever had accidents. I loved that she was so patient with our children, and loved them like her own.
Life really does have a way of continuing forever, even the ones that you don't even know about... there are more questions than answers about Jaemi, and even Tristen, but I know them, I know they existed, I know that one day I will see Jaemi (maybe even Tristen) and once I do I'll have all the answers, and no matter what those answers are I'll be proud of my child! Not because of anything that Jaemi did or didn't do, but because Jaemi is my baby.
I was told today by a friend who lost her own baby, that I'm dealing better with the lost of Jaemi than she dealt with the loss of hers, and that she admired my strength, and my gentle spirit... I don't feel strong, I don't feel like my spirit is gentle, I feel like I'm in the midst of a storm and being tossed about in the waves, but that just makes me think of my favorite verse in the bible Isaiah 54:11-17 O afflicted one, storm-tossed, and not comforted, I am about to set your stones in antimony, and lay your foundations with sapphires. I will make your pinnacles of rubies, your gates of jewels, and all your wall of precious stones. All your children shall be taught by the Lord, and great shall be the prosperity of your children. In righteousness you shall be established; you shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear; and from terror, for it shall not come near you. If anyone stirs up strife, it is not from me; whoever stirs up strife with you shall fall because of you. See it is I who have created the smith who blows the fire of coals, and produces a weapon fit for its purpose; I have also created the ravager to destroy. No weapon that is fashioned against you shall prosper, and you shall confute every tongue that rises against you in judgement. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord and their vindication from me, says the Lord."
The whole chapter is my favorite, but I don't need to know what the first half is personally because I'm living it... I am storm tossed, I'm wind whipped, I am exhausted, I am lonely, I am forgotten by most, but that last half is what I need to remind myself, that God has not forgotten me, that he see me as a princess and is providing a royal place for me to live, even though I'm approaching him with a sideways ponytail that isn't really holding any of my layers anymore, my hair is greasy and covered in baby food, my clothes are ripped and don't fit right anymore, i have not had a shower if forever and my socks are so stretched out that they are not worth wearing anymore. I'm a princess to God, and I'm headed straight into his arms and just watch and see what happens to anyone who tries to keep me from him!