Buried and gone

P took our dog up to be buried in his sister's yard, and I have been crying so much and needing a little break, not just from the dog issue, but more from ALL the things going on lately, and before he left he threw some new thoughts at me.... I hate that sort of timing, but they were very valid thoughts...
P's getting out of the military, we are moving, and until yesterday our thoughts of moving were TOTALLY focused on going to Oklahoma, even though both of our families have been pressuring us to move closer to family.  We have friends in Oklahoma who are very much like family.  There are a lot of job opportunities in Oklahoma in the area that P has worked for the last 7 years, so it seems like the most logical choice when compared to the areas where our families live.
His family up in Merced, there is no need for an aircraft mechanic there, though his step dad is a doctor and could guarantee him a job working in his office (it probably wouldn't pay the bills that well though).  And his family and I are not totally on the same wave length, we often have VERY different ideas of the lifestyle we should live.  I accept them, and I think they accept me, but it would be hard for me to be there all the time, especially since when we are there I lose my husband to them.
My family lives in Michigan, they are spread out all over the place so we could really live anywhere in the state and not be too close, but be close enough to ask for help if we wanted it, however I'm not particularly proud of my extended family and have very few friends left in Michigan.  Let me clarify, my mom and dad are doing great and we maintain a great relationship, my sister and four brothers and I have good relationships though sort of distant, but my Sister-in-law left my brother and they are in the midst of a divorce, and their poor kids are being shuffled around.  My cousin and her husband are separated.  My best friend's sister who I grew up with is separated and seeking a divorce. The economy sucks, and no one has jobs, (though that is turning around and there are actually some opportunities for aircraft mechanics in Michigan).  The few friends I do have in Michigan are both christian, but I don't think either of them would be particularly great at encouraging great Godly relationships, for completely different reasons.  Women in Michigan tend to put their husbands down BADLY. And support systems are weak there.  I mean you have your family, but I've never experienced a friendly relationship with anyone who brought me up as a christian and encouraged me with biblical advice.  This all could be because my relationships were built in high school and most of them I was the sort of spiritual counselor.  And unfortunately I never was able to make good friends in the churches I attended.
I'm so lost, I mean P's up there burying our dog and we've realized that we do need help, I mean we've known that, but we have done fine without that sort of help so far.  but the kind of help I've grown accustomed to (great Godly and spiritual encouragement) are not available where the other kind of help we would like is available.  You know when you are having a really bad day and you just need a time out and you call your mom and drop the kids off and get a time out.  The downfall of having only the people your own age around is that they all have busy days, hard schedules and most of them work now days, even the ones with kids.  And those who don't work have kids and have their hands pretty full as well.  So P says he's going to pray about it.  He's got a lot to figure out in a very short amount of time cause we bought him tickets to go to Oklahoma and buy us a house on Jan. 9th.
Too much to think about... and I told him I really can't even think about house work (I'm just barely getting it done) cause my mind is too filled with grief, now we have a MUCH bigger thing to think about. 

December is a time to remember

She always made sure our blind dog (prissy) ate first

She sat before coming into the house

tolerated and LOVED our son C

Tristen, spring of 2011 I miss you girl!

The saddest thing I could ever imagine happened yesterday.  I don't even know how best to chronicle the events of this Christmas, it was both a great and horrible holiday for our family.
I should start by telling you about the one we lost.
Tristen, born the week of 4-14-07 (the day P and I were married) came to be with us as a member of our family at ten weeks old.  I already had an ache to have a baby, after such a short time being married.  I think my issue was the post wedding let down.  After spending months with that being my only focus I finally had gotten married and had nothing new to look forward to and fell into a sort of depression.  I should have been uber happy, but I wasn't.  We moved into a bigger house, and it hit even harder, I ended up quitting my job and Tristen got me through it.
I was walking out of the retail store I worked at one evening, on my way home and saw a truck with a sign posted on the side and a kennel full of terriors.  I have a small terrier chihuahua mix and had no interest in getting another little dog, but then I saw a note on the sign that said they had one lab/chow mix puppy for $20.  I asked if the puppy was still availible and the people explained that she wasn't actually their dog but their neighbors and that they didn't know much about her, but that she seemed friendly and was the only one left.  I asked to hold her and she was just this big ball of fluff.  A soft  long haired baby.  I called P and asked him if he wanted a sweet little puppy, and he reluctantly and excidedly agreed that I could write the check....
We have often said that it was the best $20 we ever spent.
Unfortunately it was friday night and that is the night we had bible study, so the poor baby had to spend her first evening at a new house alone.  We came home to a puppy covered in her own poo, we wondered if we had done the right thing bringing her home, and she cried all night when we tried to sleep that night.
The crying lasted a few days, we bought her a bigger kennel as we knew it wouldn't be long and she wouldn't fit in Prissy the chihuahua's kennel anymore.  Turned the tv on at night to keep her company, and locked her in the kitchen anytime we left the house so she had room to move and eat and drink.
She potty trained SO QUICKLY!  She learned that outside was where it all went but then also learned that wires were fun to chew on.  It took awhile to get her over that habit, we lost a lamp or two, and the cable for tv outside suffered major damage (good thing we didn't need it!).
One day as I was cooking some hamburger helper for dinner she came and sat next to me at the foot of the stove, and then unprompted 'begged' for food.  I was so amazed I started feeding her hamburger from the pan to get her to do it again, and by the time dinner was done she pretty much knew how to do the trick on command and I was able to show P when he got home from work.  That was the start of a long journey that ended all too soon.
When Tristen was nearly 2 we brought C home with us, I was a little worried about her reaction to him so I made sure that P carried him in a few minutes after I came in the door, it was cold and wintery so it wasn't as long as I had read it should have been but we couldn't leave C outside in the cold so I just made sure to greet my puppy before I let on that we brought someone else home.  When she saw that sweet squishy little baby she looked at him for a half second before sneaking a quick kiss on his cheek and running away.  I had nothing to worry about!  She was a perfect big sister to our sweet baby boy!
Before C was even conceived we brought a child to the house because knowing Tristen was a Chow and that they could become very teritorial we wanted to socialize her as much as possible.  The first time she saw a child was hilarious!  Abby was about 3 years old, she came to the back yard with me to see our new puppy and she was so excited to see her, until Tristen saw Abby.  Tristen hid behind my legs and wouldn't come out, Abby lost interest and became frightened herself.
Her experience with children was limited since we didn't have any in the beginning.  We took her to socialize with a friends dog when she was about 4 or 5 months old and Abby was there again.  Abby was a bit nervous so she stood against the wall on the far side of our friends living room and didn't move.  At first Tristen didn't notice her... she was checking out the other dogs (a dog that would become her best friend later).  then suddenly she noticed Abby... she turned fully toward Abby and stood stark still... then Abby bent her knee... bent her knee!  and Tristen took off running like she was terrified!
Eventually she lost her fear of children and did great with our friends daughter Abby. Tristen learned all sorts of tricks and the rules of the house.  She was the smartest dog I've ever met.  She could sit, lay, roll over, beg, stand, dance, and spin around on command.  We had so many other tricks we hoped to teach her, but along came children and the process slowed, P only just taught her to spin around last year.
I have so many memories of her I could go on forever. But for the sake of my point in this entry I'll skip along to the end of the story.
Monday I noticed that every time I patted Tristen's head she would yipe.  I wasn't sure what was going on, but then on Thursday I also noticed she would not put much weight on her left hind leg.  I thought perhaps that was why she had yiped when I touched her head, maybe I was throwing her off balance and it was hurting her leg to put the extra pressure on it.  I felt her all over, head, neck, leg, paw, checked her fur for burrs, and any indication that something was causing her pain and could find nothing.  I took her to the vet, one of them wanted $52 just for the office visit and couldn't tell me how much an x-ray would be if she needed one.  I decided to take her to Banfield (at Petsmart).  The beginning and the end.
They had told me they would be able to take her as a walk-in so long as I got there before noon.  I couldn't manage any earlier than 11:45am, and when I arrived they informed me that they couldn't take her.  I was frustrated and decided that she seemed ok that day (Tuesday) and took her home.  When we got home she jumped from the car like nothing was going on and I was relieved thinking that she might have sprained her leg and that it was fine now and we were ok.
The next few days were uneventful but then Christmas Eve (Friday) P let Tristen out to go potty and then noticed she was staring into the glass sliding door with her head cocked to the side and drool running down her face.  She never drools.  I had noticed over the last few days she stared through that door a lot, in a sort of weird way.  So when I looked over I didn't notice the drool at first and thought P was just telling me about her looking through the door which I agreed was odd. Then I noticed the drool and knew something terrible was wrong.
We assumed she had a stroke.  The vet after checking her out said it was more likely a brain tumor.  They recommended an MRI to find out and then possibly surgery... the MRI alone would have cost us $2500 and I had been concerned about the $52 office visit a few days before.  We decided that if it had been a stroke we would just pray that she got better and that it wouldn't happen again and she'd be ok... we took her home.  She was off balance her face still drooped on the right side and her right eye was now blind, but the vet said there was a chance all of her functions would return. I looked up the signs and symptoms on the internet and found out that it is super rare for dogs to have strokes, and that what she was experiencing was more likely 'old dog' syndrome, except that Tristen isn't old, she wasn't even 5 yet, or a brain tumor (like the vet said).  We were not willing to accept the brain tumor diagnosis, she was so young, and had so much life to live.
Sunday (christmas) we noticed that Tristen's balance was getting worse and she wasn't eating.  I gave her some eggs that evening and she took about 5 minutes to eat them but got them down and kept them down.  Monday morning I brought her kennel to the dinning room and tried to rig a bowl of water to be elevated but not spill if she bumped it.  I had read elevating food and water would make it easier for her to keep her balance and be able to eat without getting sick or nauseous.  She manged to drink a little and then spilled my spill proof bowl.  I tried cleaning it up and she got out of the kennel and stumbled around the living room and laid down behind P's new recliner.  I got her back in the Kennel and sat down to do some more research on what we could do to help her.  Then F started playing with the door of the kennel and the little darling let Tristen out again.  I gave F a graham cracker and sat her on her daddy's lap to eat it without getting into more trouble.  P was on the phone with his mother who was giving us all sorts of ideas as to how Tristen was probably kicked in the head (not even possible since I'm with her all the time and it never happened).  I was getting annoyed that it seemed P didn't want to talk to me about what was happening.  Then he snapped at me, then C, then me again and I couldn't handle it.  I left saying I was going to take care of the neighbor's dogs (they were out of town and I was feeding the dogs and letting them out for them).  As I was trying to let the neighbors dogs out and feed them my phone rang, I was busy and annoyed so I didn't answer my phone. It rang again, I answered and P says "she had a stroke!  She was kicking and she had a stroke."  I asked "do you mean a seizure?" he said yes and I bawled said I'd be home in a minute.  It was 10 am.
The vet prescribed blood tests, IV fluids, and steroids.  We agree'd but knew even then that we'd be saying good bye to her soon.  A few hours later they called with the results of the blood test.  She wasn't having clotting issues, so that ruled out the possibility of a blood clot in her brain.  her white cell count was high but it could be due to the stress her body was under, or possibly an infection, they gave her some antibiotics and said they'd keep her until 7pm and we could pick her up at that time along with a two week supply of antibiotics and steroids... there was a small chance Tristen had menengitis.  At 5pm Tristen had another seizure, the vet called and explained the situation to Patrick.  She wasn't doing well, the treatment should have prevented the second seizure, she didnt' have menengitis, if we wanted to continue to treat her the next option was the original MRI.  We went in to the vet and told them we were not going to put her through this anymore.  They gave her to us on a pet gurney so we could say goodbye.  She was sedated but still very much with us.  She was sleepy and as she started to close her eyes we (not knowing anything about how they put dogs down) thought perhaps she had already been given the shot and I freaked... I couldn't watch her die.. I watched my grandmother die when they pulled the tubes from her after suffering from staff infection, I couldn't do that again... I had prayed for a miracle that time, this time I just wanted my dog to stop hurting.  I left the room and wandered around petsmart looking for something I could remember my baby by.  I found nothing.
 P called his first class petty officer (a jerk) who told him he could NOT have time off to go and bury our baby.  I got so mad my heart was racing and I could hardly breathe I went and got his phone and called the idiot myself and begged, cried and pleaded that the man reconsider, but it was all said to a voicemail.  He called back but refused to talk to me.  Said I needed P to call him when he got a chance. I wandered some more and then decided to return to the room, at this point I knew that they had given her the shot and that she might be breathing her last when I went into the room.  As I opened the door it hit the shoes of the vet, and she sat up and said "she's gone" in a calm gentle voice, returning her stethoscope to her neck.  I petted my sweet girl one more time and told her how wonderful she had been to us, and how happy I was to have been part of her life.  I shocked myself, I knew she was dead, but I still petted her... P hugged her.  He said after we climbed into bed that night that as he had put her in the bag that would have to hold her until THURSDAY when he can drive her up to Merced to be buried, that he was still petting her, and even considered keeping a lock of her hair, but decided that eventually we would all have to move on and that he wouldn't do it.
We spent the evening crying and remembering our dog, all of the things we had done together, the things we hadn't done but said we would... and how she can never be replaced... she was the most extrodinary animal we've ever met, and you just can't replace an animal like that.
I miss you Tristen!

* Three of these photos (1,2,4) were taken by my dear friend Alison

I am ok.

I feel so peaceful today, and this week about certain parts of my life.. I just thought I would mention that!  Merry Christmas!

1 year anniversary/birthday

Dec. 9th 7pm:
I bathed F, as is part of the new prescribed bedtime routing given by the dermatologist, and got her dressed for bed, read her a story and laid her down.  I did not cry, and tried not to think about what the following day would mean.  I actually just put my baby down and covered her up, played with her hair like I always do and said her prayers for her, walked away and closed the door.
Dec 9th 10:30pm:
F woke up crying, it was a different sort of cry, I don't know how to describe it.  It was as if she had suddenly remembered something that made her sad and she just needed a little cry.  It wasn't like a nightmare cry, or a hunger cry, or even a 'I don't want to sleep' cry... it is amazing as a mom you can tell these things.
I went to her room and held her, and suddenly it dawned on me that at this time last year I was laying in a hospital bed and being forced to labor.  I was having my membranes stripped every hour, and how very soon it would be the moment I heard they would break my water, and how disrespected I would feel. 
I remembered that and thought 'I wonder if F knows that this is the anniversary of what was probably her first and most scarey moment'.  Probably not, but it also gave me a good chance to separate my experience during F's birth, and her actual birthday. 
I'm so grateful to God that she was born at 2:47am, and not pm. If the moment had been during a time that I'm normally awake I know I would count the minutes down to the time and think about it all day long.  But now I feel like dec. 9th will be the day that if i need to I can relate to my painful experience, and dec 10th can be the joy of my daughter and her arrival.
 I promised in my heart to let her have her day, and now that I have discovered I can mourn on one day (because honestly I still need that) and be joyful on the next, I feel much more capable of celebrating F's birthday.
I laid her back in her bed and brushed her hair with my fingers and left the room closing the door behind me.
P had rented Water for Elephants and we watched that until bedtime for us.  I felt like I still had so much to do but needed the break so MADE myself sit and watch the movie.  Although the ethics of the movie were questionable it was a good story, and I enjoyed it.
We went to bed and I started to think about it again... in fact laying on my left side I had such severe pain in my stomach that I couldn't avoid the thought of the scar and how it got there.  I turned to my back and the pain was almost completely gone... I have a somewhat irritable bowel and have been under a lot of stress causing gas so you can understand that it wasn't the memory that caused the pain, but I do occasionally still feel the pain of the cut.
After a little chat with P about the pain and what it was caused by (he believes I'm pregnant due to a planning problem, but we have time before we'd know the answer to that and honestly I'm not really thinking I am, we have too many planing problems lately!) we went to sleep. 
Dec 10th 5:30am: I woke up early, posted on facebook that I was proud to be the mama of a one year old, and then began to clean the rest of my house and prepare the snacks for F's party.
Everything turned out great, but for whatever reason most people didn't show up until at least an hour late!  I planned the party for the time period when F would be most willing to deal with it, she really doesn't handle stress well and has never attended a party like this, especially one with her at the center of attention.  So I didn't know if she would be ok, and didn't want her to cry through it.  She did great, but the party was scheduled for 2-4pm and actually happened from 3-5.  I do wish that so many people had not come so late, but I understand each of the reasons people had.
I got raving reviews on my cake, almost everyone liked it, and a chef who was in attendance even commented about how good the fondant was!  Yay for marshmallows!
F got some really neat books, and of all of them I've only read one before.  I'm super excited.  One of the books is called Mr. Seahorse, and I'm super thrilled about it.  I told one questioning parent that the only thing I could honestly say F was 'into' was her seahorse that she sleeps with, but that i doubted that there was any books with seahorses, and they managed to find one!  Some of the other books included the collection of 'if you give a mouse a cookie', three different bear baby bear type books, 'snoozers', and some picture books.  It was a successful party!
F thought everyone was nuts when they started singing happy birthday to her. And when we gave her the cake she wasn't hungry so she refused to try it, but was VERY interested in playing with it.  Of course F doesn't play and make a mess, she picks it up whole (since it had fondant it was pretty easy) and then picks at it with her finger and thumb pinching little pieces and moving them across the tray of her high chair.
Overall a great birthday!
Dec. 10th 7:00pm bathed and dressed for bed, I read her one of her new story books and cuddled my baby awhile before laying her in her bed calling her a big girl and playing with her hair while saying her prayers and closing the door. 
At the request of my dear husband I made some popcorn and he put on a movie that he really got for himself, as he knows I wont watch R-rated films.  I did sit in the livingroom awhile eating some popcorn but not watching the movie until something horrible happened.  The screen showed this baby floating gently in it's mother's womb, and suddenly a sword was thrust into the womb, it did not hit the baby but obviously hurt the mother.  We were in the center of a war scene, a woman dressed in armor carrying a sword of her own is fighting another, a man who had just given her a fatal wound.  She climbs to the top of a broken wagon and holds her stomach, she is helpless, and her husband sees her there and though fighting someone himself quickly defeats the man in front of him and rushes to his wife.  He brushes her hair back and tells her she will be ok, whether in words or looks I'm not sure as I couldn't focus my attention on anything but the action playing in front of me.  She tells him that she wishes to see her baby before she dies.  She takes a knife from her side and gives it to her husband and he looks as if he wont do it, but then because it is either her life or both her's and the babies, he cuts her open.  I stop watching and wrap my arms around my knees, P pauses the movie, we both know what is happening in my head, that woman just felt her body being cut open without anethesia, just like I did (except that hers was for different reasons and she had asked for it to be done to her, and she knew she would die.... blah blah... you know what I mean)  I was feeling the pain.  P had no way of knowing that the movie would have a scene like that, and I don't blame him, but for a moment I was mad at him for bringing something so heartless into my home and causing me pain.  I went to my room, he asked if I was ok and I did a shocking good job of saying I was fine.  He believed me.  I was in my room maybe 1 minute before I realized I had nothing to do, could hear everything from his movie and would likely spend the rest of the evening before drifting off to sleep thinking of that horrid scene and the pain I knew so well that the woman experienced while delivering her child. 
So I came back out to the livingroom and amused myself with a game of freecell on the computer and my e-mail until his movie was done.  I've never done such a good job not watching a movie!  And amazingly I did a great job not feeling pained by the memory of my daughter's birth. My therapist would be so proud!

Tis the Season

This month is packed tight with things to do!  I mean for all you december civilians you think you're tight on time, but you don't know what you are talking about!  If I ever get pregnant again, and it happens in March/April I'm seriously going to check myself into a looney bin!
I'm doing fabulously though!  You've got to be proud of a woman who can manage a Dermatology appointment, an hour in the pharmacy, and still go grocery shopping at the wholesale store in one day before naps for a 2 year old and an 11 month old! 
And if that doesn't impress you, then how about the very next day going to a WIC appointment, and grocery shopping and lunch before naps... and now that they are both in their beds I'm finally taking a moment to eat lunch, at 2pm... and yes I skipped breakfast this morning, well skipped isn't accurate, I forgot. 
I'm proud of me!  Now the rest of the day involves marshmallows powdered sugar and water, a visit from New Parent support program, and cleaning up after myself, oh and making dinner for my dear hubby. 
So it's a busy life, yeah, but what does this have to do with the month of December?  You know the answer to this, just think hard.... F is turning one on Dec 10th, PARTY!!!!!  C is turning 3 on Dec 21st (but that is on a wednesday so his party is Dec 17th), PARTY!!!! and then of course Jesus is turning.... ummmm it's his birthday on the 25th, PARTY!!!!!
So this is my to-do list... literally on my phone in to-do list fashion.
Buy C's Birthday present
Buy C's Christmas present (in both cases I know what I'm getting him just have not done it yet)
Book flights for P (in Jan he's going to find us a house in Oklahoma)
Buy Pizza for C's party (I'm getting pre-made ones from Sam's club)
Mop the floor
Wash the glass door
Buy stamps (for all the christmas cards I have yet to mail)
New parent support visit
Make marshamallow fondant
Dress fitting for flower girl dress #1 (a wedding in Jan.)
cut and sew dress #2
Bake F's cake
Decorate for F's party
Celebrate F's b-day
Dress Fitting for flower girl dress #2
1 and 3 year check ups at the Doctor's office
Make more Fondant
Bake C's cake
Decorate for C's party
Celebrate C's 3rd birthday
Gift wrapping Christmas movie watching extravanganza
C's actual birthday
Christmas
And somewhere in the middle of that, or possibly after it all I will be attending the birth of a baby as a doula.  So since P's getting out of the military and F's turning 1, and C's turning 3, and Christmas is all going on all together, I'd say keeping my house fairly clean, getting all the shopping done and making it to all appointments on time is ROCKING IT!!!!!!
Wish me luck, I'm going to have to keep the pace for another 3 weeks, and then I told P that I want a new pair of jammies, a good book, a cup of hot chocolate and a DAY OFF!!!!

Couldn't sleep tonight

I couldn't fall asleep tonight, I don't know why but every night as I lay down lately I start thinking of cabbage patch dolls and whether there has ever been one named the same as F.  Her name is so unique that it just makes me wonder who else, or what else has her name.. and I'm kinda obsessed with getting her a cabbage patch doll some day.... so I got up after trying for 30 minutes to sleep.

And this search on the internet to discover how to name a cabbage patch doll after F made me realize two things, 1. I don't want her to have a doll by her own name, and 2. I still don't know the true meaning of C's name...
I feel guilty sometimes because I made this huge deal out of knowing what I'm speaking over my children when I name them.  C's first name has been unclear, I've seen it said that it means spirited, companion, warrior, fighter, and round... that is a lot of different ways to take a name!  And then his middle name because P loved it so much became E, which means Boar... what am I doing to my first born?  Is he a spirited boar?
GAH... so that of course made me want to look up once again the meaning of C's name.

And I found an awesome site, that backed up some information I'd already found on other names and explained things a little more clearly for me.  the website is www.babynamespedia.com.
C's name according to that sight means round.  and his middle name doesn't just mean boar, it means 'brave like a boar'.  And all this time I was thinking it meant stubborn like a boar.
I'm once again proud of the name I gave him... I think it makes him both well 'round'ed and brave!
So now that that is cleared up I looked up F's name, just for fun.. I've known what her name means since WAY before she was named it.  and the meaning... Sapphire.  Which is Hebrew for Beautiful... and I have to agree she is beautiful.  But then there is her middle name, L.... and that one I've known from the beginning too, but why did I do that to her?  It means Lioness, or Lion, or female lion.. whatever you want to say.  So I have a round boar and a beautiful lion in my house!
And then because it is a passion of mine to look up names, and combinations of names, and just to know in general what names mean I looked up the name that would have been C's.  And one day God willing will be our second son's name.  M. O.  And it is a glorious name, and whenever we have another child I will pray that it is a boy, because of this name.  It gives me hope of restoration.
M means "who is like God?" and O means "lamb" or "yahweh is gracious"...
Wouldn't it be grand if after all the pain and anguish I went through to deliver F, my beautiful lioness, into this world God gave me another birth more like C's, that would remind me that he alone is able to create life and bring it into this world in a fantastic and natural way.. that he is the greatest doctor, that he created the woman's body to deliver babies through the natural path that he created, and not through a hole that was put on her stomach by a surgeon's knife.
God is gracious, and his timing is perfect!  And one day I will have my baby M, but just for the record, I'm not ready yet.  And neither is P.  We talked about it the other day and he was so funny, what he said made me laugh.  "Well as soon as we get back to Oklahoma and I get a job I know you are going to want a baby."  I was thinking "under normal circumstances I'd want a baby NOW... but these here are not normal circumstances and I don't know when I'll be pinning for a baby, but it certainly isn't now."
I'm so glad though that God is bringing me around all these hurtles and up to his gracious healing hands!  He truly is the only doctor worth taking my broken life to!  (this is not to say that Doctors are not wonderful and gifted, but that my God is a better healer than them all.)



btw.. just looked up my own middle name.. apparently we have two lions in the family! My first name means Listener of God, and my middle means 'lion, brave, hardy'
and P's name means nobleman, and his middle name W, means cart maker. So all together we are
Nobleman Cart maker, Listener of God Brave, Round Brave like a Boar, and Beautiful Lioness.... ahh what a family of doers!

Blessed feels the same as tired.

I have been so busy for so long, and there seems to be an end somewhere, but I'm really not sure where... I feel BLESSED, but tired. 
Here is the run down of how life is going right now.

Last month I had 12 messenger bags to make before Thanksgiving, and then a trip to visit the hubby's family for the holiday... we celebrated Christmas with them on Saturday following Thankgiving, and it went really well.  I actually enjoyed it very much, then the long car ride home ended up taking the fewest hours possible which is AMAZING for having an 11 month old and a nearly 3 year old in the car.
Then we rested Sunday, sorry God, we couldn't do church after such a long night driving, but that is what Sunday is really for right?  Resting.  Monday time to crack the whip again, I need to get the suitcases unpacked, I'm feeling really great that I managed to go home with CLEAN laundry so I didn't have any extra to do when we arrived, just piled it all in the drawers!  Rearranged the entire living room because (as far as P knows) I wanted to put the tree where the t.v. was... but I also needed the space to put his gift in the livingroom once Christmas arrives.
Then I cleaned, then I shopped for fondant ingredients, whoops I missed one so there goes that plan!  So I pulled out the Christmas decorations to get going on that... gosh I'm missing some things.. where are the hooks to hang the lights outside?  Have to make a run to Wal-Mart.
Wal-Mart provided the hooks I needed, the ingredient I was missing, the doll that I bought F for Christmas last year and somehow lost and will now be giving her for her 1st Birthday... and two books for the book party we are having for her on Saturday of next week.
Tomorrow I have to pick up some material for two flowergirl dresses that I'm making for a wedding in Jan.  Then I have to get some dishwasher detergent, put my dishes in the washer, and make some cookies, decorate them with the fondant I made this afternoon (marshmallow fondant, I'm super excited about it!) and make some buttercream frosting to help the fondant stick to the cookies, and provided it works well I'll be making another batch of the fondant icing next wednesday to prepare for F's party on the following Saturday. 
We have a Christmas party to attend for P's squadron on Friday, F's birthday on the 10th, C's birthday party on the 17th, his actual birthday on the 21st, and Christmas on the 25th, then New Years Eve... and all the prep work in between. I'm happy, so happy that we have so much going on, it will keep my mind off from the uncertainty that is our future, but I'm so tired... I just need a day off... I'm about to go batty!
Lucky me P has a short week this week, he will work tomorrow, and then he'll have some training on Thursday and no work on Friday!  YAY!
And break... cause laundry is done, and I have blankets to put on my bed and I'm going to sleep...
g'night!

This is the life I live.

The life I live is in an uproar!  P got the test results back from his E5 exam, and there are things about to happen that will totally change everything I've known in my married life forever.  Not of course in a bad way, or an unbearable way, but more like in a uncertain of anything that is happening to us way.
The result of the test was that the Navy will no longer be using him... we are OUT.  So since marriage I've been a navy wife, now I'm a civilian wife, but wait... civilians NEVER call themselves civilians.. they are people with lives outside of the military, they never think about the military unless it effects them some how...
Well since we are not going to be a military family anymore that means that we lose our house, our income, P's job, and our medical coverage.  SHOOT our medical coverage?!? 
Before making that cut did the military consider that they have my daughter on like 5 medications right now?  EEK!  We never thought about the possibility that we'd NEED that coverage for more than just emergencies.  But even if we had thought of it we would have been in the same boat. 
So what will we do now?  I guess be normal people with normal jobs, and go back to Oklahoma.  San Diego was never our cup o' joe anyway, too expensive.  So now we are house hunting, job hunting, and finance figuring. 
You may be wondering how this all ties into the whole theme of my blog, my journey to emotional healing for this darn c-section and the trauma I experienced because of it... well it doesn't, except that I actually think that this is pretty small beans compared to that sort of anguish.  Maybe a horrible c-section makes it easier not to sweat the small stuff.. (even if this event really does transform my entire life from here on out).
The plan: 
1. Find a house in Oklahoma
2. make sure it is liveable and in our price range
3. Move into it
4. Find Patrick a job (this one is not necessarily in order of occurance)
5. Live happily ever after.
I think it is do-able...lol!

Still kicking

Its been a long time, and honestly it's because I got help (and because for a while in there I had no internet, but not the whole time).  Still though, it isn't gone, my memories are going to last forever, and I'm concerned still that the way I feel about my daughter's birth will effect our relationship forever.  I don't know, and I'm taking all the action possible to save her from feeling like she somehow is to blame.  She's too little right now to even know the difference but one day she's going to ask about her birth, and the way I tell her is probably going to effect her in one way or another, I hope it doesn't effect her badly.
My own mother had the worst birth experience with me (out of all 6 children she birthed naturally), and it didn't effect me in a negative way, she told me the story and I somehow take pride in the fact that I had to be born different than everyone else.  But my mother's life wasn't altered because of my birth, mine has been.  The emotional pain that she felt did come over into our bonding experience, she was detached and said it took a long time for us to d have said "we have to do this to save your baby." and then felt entirely justified in their response because it was true, but my argument is that if they had not done a series of other things, or even just not broke my water in the first place, would they then need to save my baby's life?  I really don't think so, but even if they did, at least I would not be in the kind of pain I'm in now because of them.
I try so hard not to dwell on the woulda-coulda-shoulda's even if they are not my own, but it is difficult.  I tell myself daily that I'm ok, I survived and I will go on.
To be honest I'm starting to think about a baby again... even though I'm still far from actually being ready to get pregnant, I think I'm at a point now where I could birth another baby.  So little steps are happening, I'm not standing still... I'm kicking my way through this wall.

Here comes the hypocrite!

I HATE  facebook!
will I stop using it?  Probably not.
Reasons I hate it.
1. It totally KILLED in person relationships.  True it wasn't the first thing that came along and stuck a knife in the way people communicated face to face, but think of it, through facebook, if you have a problem with someone, send them a note!  Dont like what they wrote on your wall?  Delete it!  They wont stop bugging you?  Delete them... and you know you can do this any time you want to and even if you hurt that persons feelings unless you live somewhere you may actually have to see their face you really did DELETE a person from your life!
On the flip side of that it is also a fabulous way to talk to a person without ever talking to them.  As an example, in the movie social networking after the makers of facebook have launched and it is just starting out some girl sees them and wants to set up a date, and so she says "facebook me later!"  WHAT!!! DUDE YOUR STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GUY, JUST SET IT UP!  Gah....
2. It is addictive.  Think about it, first you could just chat with people, then you could play games, then you got groups, and all sorts of other things, and there is chat, and messages, and then they combined them, because you totally can have a RIGHT NOW conversation and just leave mid topic... but that is another subject... basically you can't get away from it, and as soon as you think you can that little red flag shows up and you just have to see who 'liked' what you said, or commented on your random totally off the wall status.
3.  The here and now does not exist on facebook.  As I mentioned earlier you can start chatting with anyone you like and if like in my case and many other mom's I've met on fb, your baby pukes all over the outfit you JUST put them in, you just leave, the acronyms people used to use like brb DO NOT EXIST anymore.  People just randomly leave you in the middle of a conversation!  What makes this worse is that fb chat SUCKS!  I have many times been chatting with someone and then I hear nothing back from them for a long time and then suddenly they are back and wondering why my chat had been telling them that I was off line, when I was not off line, I was sitting here for the last 20 mins wondering why I was being ignored by the person I had been having a good conversation with... which leads me to believe I'm paranoid.
4.  High school!  ICK... I mean I loved the social aspect of high school but somehow when I was in school I felt fine being one of the not so cool girls, I had friends, my friends loved me, we had loads of fun, and skipped a lot of classes.  (sorry teachers)  Facebook brings back this High school mentality that there are cool kids and NOT cool kids, and you want to be a part of the cool kids!
I used to participate in this group on ivillage before they totally screwed up their format (still angry about that ivillage... please change it back!)  and the group moved to facebook.  when we were on ivillage there were girls who were 'cool' and girls who were just girls... but no one was uncool... however you know exactly how cool you are when you are on facebook.. did the girls 'like' what I said?  did anyone respond about my babies rash on his bottom?   Why doesn't anyone care that he's broken out and I can't get it under control or figure out what is causing it?  NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR BABIES BUTT!  (this is totally in response to myself and not meant to hurt anyone's feelings, I indeed wrote my girls about my sons rash and find that I'm overly concerned with the number of people that comment on my post when I shouldn't be)
So though I'm not in school I now care that my facebook page has the coolest picture (thanks Calvin I DO love my profile picture) that EVERYONE under the sun see's the amazing things that I make, because of course I think they are amazing why shouldn't you?  and I find that if someone disagrees with me or deletes things that I wrote I feel like I have been deleted.. that my opinion, my right to speak has been revoked.  Like I'm the girl that cheerily walks up to the lunch table I've been sitting at for the last 2 years and suddenly the girl in the hottest sweater and that other girl with the jeans that look like they cost $300 slide over to make sure there isn't any room for me.  and I'm just baffled.
5.  I've met people on facebook that I will probably never meet in real life.. why is that a problem?  because now they are a part of my life, I really have grown to love these people and care deeply about them.. this is the evil plot of facebook I'm sure... get 'em hooked and they will never leave.   Because of the nature of our relationship I will probably lose total contact with these people if I quit facebook.. and so I'm stuck.
6. If your fan page has just opened and mine has been opened for months and you already have more fans than me, even though I'm desperately trying to get more so that I can raise money for my MIL's cancer treatment I kinda feel like you must be in with the girls at that table I used to sit at...

I hate you facebook!

keeping busy

Sometimes I realize that I've kept myself so busy that I'm not really really paying attention to my kids... do you ever do that or is it just me?
So sitting in the rocking chair offering F a bottle while she reaches up to pat my face with her little hand that seems to be getting chubbier and chubbier, so that I'll kiss the inside of her palm, I take a second to just look at her.  God she is beautiful!  I mean that, GOD you did GOOD!  and she smiles that quirky smile up at me while the nipple on her bottle refills with air... I breathe in the smell of life renewed!
I feel like a totally different person lately.  Like my life is starting to make sense, and it feels like not only will we survive this crazy life, but we will thrive!  Contentment is a rare treat, like chocolate or ice cream, so good!
I did have a relapse yesterday and totally screamed at my husband for leaving me to do absolutely everything alone.  It isn't true, he does help, I was just overwhelmed and then asked him if he could take on one responsibility on a regular basis, and he basically said "well that sounds like a good idea, but the couch is eating me right now."  WHAT?  yeah... he meant that he couldn't remove his bottom from the cushion because he was dead tired, and well 12 hour work days will do that to you, but I had very little sympathy (he even pointed this out to me) for him at that moment because my work day goes from 8am to 8pm, and then has short intervals at 10:30pm, 1:30am, and 4:20am EVERY night, and then there are the odd moments in between those that I have things to take care of because my little God given treasure is sick, had a bad dream or just needs their mama.... so my job is pretty much 24/7 and when was the last night I got more than 6 hours of sleep in a row?  gosh I really don't know.. lets not think about it.
Anyway I totally didn't mean to go there!  LOL.  He did offer to do the job I'd held out on his days off... which sounds nice, but wont work with my new schedule making self.
I've found that being able to predict that my kids will get up at 8am have respective naps at respectable times and eat at other respectable times and play, watch tv, and go potty at other pretty well timed out times has really helped me to develop my ability to cope and thrive with my every day life.  I've never been so happy!
Even as a working lady I HATED that I never had the same schedule two weeks in a row.. how was I meant to plan ANYTHING?
I found that I have the ability to slump into depression fairly easily and if I have a regular routine to follow it doesn't hit our house so hard because I can function on auto pilot until it is over and the house is still manageable when I return to happiness.  And that feels like freedom, not captivity!
I have not even had to take a mommy time out lately!  though I'm getting close to a need for one!  I'm just thrilled that my life is going so smoothly after being a total wreck and my own mind taking control when it had no ability to only a few months ago.
Yay God for helping me to get this routine, for helping me to enjoy myself, and for giving me moments when I can sit in a rocking chair and kiss the inside of my darling baby girls palm and watch her smile up at me from the bottle that I may not have produced the contents myself, but I still can use our feeding time as a bonding time.  Thank you for growing me so much this year, the year that I claim so much of your blessings and healings over my life!.

they don't look like me?

I've got some gorgeous kids let me tell you!  But honestly every time I hear someone say "Oh my gosh she looks just like P" I have this little voice in my head that says "Grr" and then I say out loud, "well actually she looks a lot like I did as an infant" and they take a second more skeptical look with the whole squinty eye thing going on, and then say doubtfully "yeah maybe" and the little voice in my head says "ah you can go suck an egg!"
Honestly, the day we got an ultrasound done for C I was so excited, the tech brought up that gorgeous profile shot and we saw all the detail in his precious face, and I instantly knew this boy looks just like his father!  His forehead, his lips, his nose... all his fathers... and he's perfect!  That is what  boy should look like right?  Like his father!  when he was born they laid him on my chest and I took a deep concentrated look at his face, decided that the ultrasound had proven to be incredibly accurate at giving me the picture of what my boy would look like, and that he indeed looked just like his dad.  The only people at that time to disagree were our mothers... His mother said that P never looked like that as a baby, and to that I said, I'm not talking about when he was a baby, I'm talking about now. And my mother said he looked like a (insert my maiden name here).... but we knew the truth, he looked like P, and we were proud of it!
Then we got our ultrasound for F.  And again, the picture proved to tell us something of who our daughter would be when she was born... a girl of little chin!  At the time I recognized it as my mother's chin, and told P that perhaps I had a chance of redeeming a child that looked at least like my side of the family if not like me.
When F was born I didn't see her right away due to my c-section, but as soon as I did see her and her full head of black hair and her peaceful face it reminded me of my own baby picture, only in my picture (take the day I was born) I was nearly 3lbs bigger than this tiny thing that they placed in my arms, but so far as anything else went I was convinced that I had a child who looked like me, at least more so than our son did.
BUT as life would have it NO ONE else agrees... well that isn't entirely true, a few people who when I ask them about it have indeed said that she does look like me, but the people who just come out with the comments on their own always say she looks like P.  GRR says my little voice.. I carried these kids for 9 months, I grew and stretched and have the marks to prove it, I pushed one out of my body and the other was cut out of my womb, and yet they look nothing like me!
So I decided here and now to prove to myself that I was right, that at least one of them looks like their mommy.... so I went to this website, and entered in some photos and tried to figure out whether their 'advanced facial recognition software' or whatever would agree with me or the masses... and as it turns out C. according to one picture looks 7% more like me and is totally equal to me and his father on the alternative picture, and F. according to the only picture I tried looks equally like both her father and myself....
and the little voice in my head says GRRR.....

hmmm funny stuff

So among other things I've been reading a bit of blogs lately... not because I particularly love following people's blogs, but because Facebook and my lovely friends advertise them so well.. and I've seen some really great ones lately.
One of them was talking about Motherhood and the value of kids, and I totally agree with the author, but it made me start to think about my role as a mom, and how much value I actually place on it.
In some ways I put all the 'right' emphasis and value on it, but in other's it is not as important as maybe it should be.  But then I think it is a mater of balance.  I NEED to have a break once in awhile to just breathe, errrr well sleep... Do you KNOW how great it is when you have had a week of 'off days' then get a full nights sleep, or at least half of a night as opposed to the three minutes you'd been getting?  I find that the route of my problems lies in sleep!  I never knew how great I could feel if I just got the proper amount of sleep!
I did let go of SEVERAL of my worries, or jobs, just so that I could actually focus on my kids.  I began to realize that there are 2 things that make this house function for me... 1. getting a good amount of sleep, and 2. routine.
ROUTINE?
yes, you read that right!  No one reading this likely knows me much at all, but if you did you would know that I NEVER had a routine EVER!  I mean at school where my classes were in the same order every day, but that was it! As a kid, and as a teen I craved the loose freedom that my parents were so great at giving, but in retrospect I probably would have been a much more successful student, and a better wife when I first became one if I'd had some sort of structure to my life way back then.
Right now I know exactly what to do at what time, and the routine is pretty flexible, that is the key all you people who have schedules and feel like your going crazy.... you have to be flexible, I have 'round about' times to achieve my goals, or time periods in which I get my junk taken care of.
So here is a sample of my month....

Here is my Daily schedule... loosely formated.

So when I have both Sleep and Routine, I find that things like the Laundry and dishes get done more often, the floor has been vacuumed and the house has a general feeling of a being a bit more tidy... That is also helped by the fact that I have a running schedule for the laundry every week.
Monday C gets his done.. why Monday?  because C is close to the beginning of the alphabet and Monday is close to the beginning of the week if not actually the beginning depending on how you look at it.
Tuesday Towels... they both start with T
Wednesday P. and I get clean clothes... ummm hmmm I can't only explain this by saying that P. and I equal We and We is the beginning of WEdnesday.
Thursday... originally I left this open but since C. is potty training I usually can fill a load of essentials this day, sheets from his bed, underwear that are piling in the bathroom basket and the like.
Friday F gets her laundry done, you can guess how I came up with that one!
Saturday I wash sheets.. well they need washing and this makes me change them regularly, and C. and F. do a goo job of leaking on theirs so doing them once a week is actually a few times to little for us right now, which is why we have Thursday...
And Sunday.. it is a day of rest right?  so actually I just didn't come up with anything clever for this day but I think it is convenient that I have no laundry to do on that day!

I'm still working on schedules and ways to remember other things like the dishes and vacuum if you have any suggestions I'd love it.  My therapist says I should just never go to bed without a clean sink, and Flylady agrees with her, but I really value this time at night where I can just relax and DO WHAT I WANT TO DO... so I don't want to do my dishes before bed.  I'm thinking that maybe I just have to train my hubby to take care of dinner.. he always leaves the table before everyone is finished, he can pick up the dishes and throw them in the dishwasher right?  I would just have to make sure that I emptied it.. and I can do that in the morning I think... maybe.
Anyway I started all of this schedule sharing to say that having this routine lets me know each and every step of my day, helps my kids to sleep at night, and it also helps me to calm down and teach them the really important things, like God's love, how to dance, how to clean up, what responsibilities they can take on.. C. has been helping me cook and set the table for dinner for nearly a month now, and though it looks AWESOME  the way he sets it and it really isn't incredibly correct, he is doing fabulous.  And by helping me cook he really just ends up being my bus boy taking things to the trash as I empty wrappers and clean out vegetables.  He's good at helping, and loves to do it... even when I tell him no.

Have a fabulous night!

Breastfeeding

F never really latched well, well enough to maintain her weight for a month, but then she started to lose it again and my doctor said enough is a enough and demanded that I switch to pumping.  She was very forceful about the fact that she wanted F to receive breast milk but was not flexible at all about how she would receive it... ie through a bottle not the breast.
So I kept it up for 6 months... I pumped at first ever 2 hours to build up my supply, then every 3-4 hours to give myself a break, then every 5 because the schedule worked out better for me, and that was about 4 times a day, and then I decided to start actually weaning my breasts from the pump and made the switch to 3 times a day thinking that schedule would work for a month, but it didn't, I kept forgetting that middle pumping cause it didn't work out to be next to anything important at about 3pm. so there wasn't a marker in my day to remind me about it, and I'd often remember at dinner around 6pm that I hadn't done it yet.
So then I decided "I can't remember it anyway I'll just drop that middle one" and I'd only been doing that for 1.5 weeks.. well once I switched to 3 times my supply went from 24oz to 16oz and it seemed stupid... but when I started doing 2x a day the drop wasn't that big 14oz... so you'd think I could just keep it up, but no, after 2 days of the new schedule I just decided I can't keep playing this game anymore.
The only reason I was still doing it is because I never set a cut off date, and I just wanted to make it till 'tomorrow' only tomorrow never really came, it was just another tomorrow and I'm sick of it!  You'll all be thinking 'just stop then!' but if any of you have ever been through this you will know it is a hard decision, like when to wean a baby from your breast, how long do you provide 'the good stuff' and when do you stop feeling guilty about not providing it any longer.
The answer with C was 1 year, and I stopped two days before he turned 1, and I felt guilty, but I was only nursing once a day at that point anyway and two days in a row I had things that would take me away from him during our normal nursing time so I stopped two days early and convinced myself to be ok with it, even though I felt horrible.
When I was pregnant with F and rocking C in his rocking chair and reading him stories before bedtime I would dream up little moments when I'd still nurse my new baby at C's current age (the age he was when I was pregnant for F)... I convinced myself that I really did want to nurse longer this time, to have that special bond with my baby, to provide the antibodies against illness (especially since right after quitting with C we moved and the whole family got sick and we are looking at that same time frame for F and a big move plus a trip to New Zealand), so it seemed like the best option to let her self wean, and just see how long we could hold onto that special bond.
So you can imagine when the Dr told me to start pumping, my first question was "how long do you think before I can start bringing her back to the breast?" and her answer was a short "never"... it hit me hard.  And now I'm so glad to be rid of the pump, but I'm also really sad because every once in awhile I will sit with my breast exposed next to F as she sips from her bottle or suckles her paci, hoping that once she falls asleep I can convince her that she wants 'me' instead of the imitation... and if I am not pumping anymore then I'm going to stop producing and if I stop producing then there is no hope of her EVER taking my breast, or having any reason to.  
I feel torn.  It took forever for me to bond with her, and now I feel like I can, but i also want to provide her with all the same opportunities as I have with C, partially out of guilt because I bonded instantly to C and it took weeks/months for F and I to bond, but partially because I just want to give my kids the best.  I know that a lot of you will say that I am doing that, and that giving her breast milk as long as I have is great and that formula if it is better for our family life is better since it creates less stress on me, but honestly I know all that, and my therapist tells me it too, but I'm still angry because I know also that the antibodies, the bacteria, and the nutrients in breast milk are SO much better than formula.. not that formula is bad, it just isn't as good... so I feel like a major looser quitting when everything was going just fine with the pump just because I'm sick of it.  And that really is the only reason I'm quitting, I'm just sick of pumping.
Ehh... give me some soothing words to relieve my mind PLEASE!

tired and repressed

I've only got a minute to write this out, so much to do, so little time to do it in, but I needed to take a me break for a moment and just say that the more pressure I feel to start taking care of myself, the more demands my family seems to come up with!
P's mom is ill so he's stressed.
C is clingy and anxious
F is a baby and even though she's getting better she still has lots of needs
P works from 4am till about 2pm and so has to go to bed at 7-8pm
P is sick now.
C and F needed baths tonight....
I was supposed to pump at 6pm and due to dinner and movie rental returns, baths and well anything else that you can think of I didn't actually do it until 8pm. Ahhh, so also I rented a movie for myself thinking I'd curl up on the couch and have a bit of 'mommy time' but it isn't going to happen cause dinner dishes are collecting knats and my husband requested that I fix him a lunch 'when ever I have time' and I've got to pump at 11pm and it is 9:30pm now.. so I can't possibly watch a whole movie before i go to bed imediately after I pump.. so much for that idea. I guess i'll have another glass of milk and 5 bite size melted and resolidified candybars.

Learning to appreciate me.

Therapy today was wonderful, I was full of anxiety before my appointment because there is so much going on and I just knew I was going to cry.  It wasn't that I didn't want to go, or that I didn't want to cry, it was just a problem because crying isn't ok in my mind... neither am I... I'll explain.

We talked about a LOT of issues!  P's mom and her diagnosis, How P is doing, How C has been SUPER clingy lately especially when in trouble.. he just runs at me and throws his arms around my legs and acts all dramatic if anything isn't going his way... it is so weird.  More on that later.  We talked about how F is doing better at sleeping, how my sister and one of my closest friends just had emergency c-sections, and how I have created a schedule to make sure that my children get baths (I'll explain more later).

first things first, P's mom and her issues.  I personally have issues, I don't really like her, I would never wish harm on her or try to make P feel like I do, or anything, but the fact is that if we were even in the same age group she would be that girl I didn't want to hang out with but would occassionally because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.  P is convinced that I would feel differently and that we would be best friends.  I mean this is his MOM that I'm talking about... of course he would want the woman he Loves and the woman he loves to like each other.  I capatalized that one Loves on purpose, it was how he said it, I asked him which woman was me, not that it really would have matered, but he assured me I'm the one with the capital L.
Anyway, my therapist said that I should view my family and life as a spinning top and realize that with my hubby right now he's going to be spinning like crazy, and our life might be wobbly but I need to be the center, meaning that he can get stressed out or be all lovey to me, and either way I'm his rock, his stability.. this seems overwhelming to me, I told her I'd try....but sometimes I feel like that is asking SOOO much!  at the same time it is exactly what I need to be doing and what I want to be doing.
Next, C... oh my that boy!  He makes me feel good when I see him running at me, like I can solve all his problems with a little hug.. but that isn't why he's running at me.  He wants reassurance, he wants to know that when things are not going right that mommy will still be there to love on him.  That is compounded by the fact that he doesn't know where 'home' is right now.  We just came back from my sister in laws house, we stayed there for almost 2 weeks and then came home.  C said today as I was tucking him into his bed after waking him with the vacum that he wanted to 'go our other house'.  I told him we didnt' have another house, that we were home, and that we wouldn't be leaving again for a long time.  I felt bad, we left so quickly, and then again rather suddenly without explaining anything to him.. no wonder he's clinging to me, he's nervous he might get lost in all this moving around and left behind!  My therapist said that was probably true but while reassuring him that no one would forget him I also should not give him the attention he's asking for when he clings to me like that, but instead to wait until his method of soothing changes to something more acceptable (since I can't walk with him stuck to me) and then acknowledge him and find out ways to get him to be obedient to the need of the moment but not to let his clinging to me get the credit for anything.
My sister and friend's c-sections... gosh the pain from my own FLARED up when I heard about my sisters... hers was after my friends.  R(my therapist) said that it was normal and that my body was working on another stage of healing and that it was good that I was remembering things.  I don't know about that... I mean maybe in the long run, but at the moment I'm no so thrilled about remembering them!
Then we got into weird talk.... i mentioned the bath schedule and how I was going to force myself to get through this fear that they will drown by just bathing them anyway, and trying to focus on the positives of bathing them, like that F is only 6 months old but can splash higher than C who is 2, and how cute it is for them to bathe and play in the water.  How it is actually helping F's excema rather than making it worse, and several other things.  Then R asked me about my own baths.  I told her I take showers, and i guess from my ton of voice she realized I don't like them.  Which is funny cause I don't.
So heres the back log on how I don't like me!
I don't like to be naked, never have for as long as I can remember.  I don't know why, I'm just not comfortable with me, and clothes do a pretty good job of hiding my body, or making it look better.  As a preteen I was told that my ribs stuck out and that it made me look like I had four developing boobs instead of two... talk about embarassing!  And then there was that I like baths, I find comfort in the fact that bubbles and water can at least distort the image of my body unclathed, and the 'wall' of the tub can 'hide' me from anyone who might walk into the room.  I also don't like it when P opens the bathroom door while I'm on the toilet.. I just can't stand being naked or exposed in any way.... however marriage has changed some things.. I am ok so long as I can imagine that P likes the way I look when we are in bed... ok that is about the only thing that has changed...  Anyway, I just don't like the thought of being expossed. 
R said that it was a shame that I didn't enjoy showers, because it was one of her favorite times in her day, relaxing and messing with the temperatures in the shower and just taking her sweet time... it sounds great, but showers are for business I guess.  You get in you get clean and you get out.  Yeah that's what my mom said!
Here is something else my mom said "you are too old for baths",   She didn't respect my fear of my brothers spying on me, though I'm pretty sure they didn't.  She didn't understand me at all... which isn't a huge deal, but R said it was a shame my mom didn't take my concerns seriously.  I guess that would have been nice.
 My biggest concern 'was' that I teach my children something that my parents never taught me, but expected me to know... 'how to take care of my body'.  I never learned how to wear make up, protested it actually, never knew how to take care of my hair and it was always frizzy and out of control, but I didn't know it could look better, I brushed it!  I didn't know how to shave my legs, and for my 13th birthday I got a brand new razor and was told to go take a shower.. I felt like telling my mom she just handed me a gun and stood me in the middle of a crouded room and told me to shoot a target I couldn't see without hitting any of the people in the room.. but I managed.  When it came to my period, I guess I just knew some of the things I needed to know, but not all of them... and what I didn't know I found out.
Heres a tid bit bright and pretty.. R asked me if I knew anything about my female parts and I laughed and told her my embarassing story... before P and I got married he said something about how it'd be nice if I shaved, we'd never had sex so I thought 'maybe I'll try to do that...?  So I did and to my surprize things that are covered with hair don't look anything like they do without and I honestly thought I was broken.. I looked up pictures on line and the whole time was swearing under my breathe that I just wanted to make sure I was normal and didn't really want to see other girl's vaginas, but of course that is what I saw and as quickly as my eyes could send the message to my brain that I was normal I closed the webpage and deleted my brousing history.. I lived in a jr apartment alone, who would have been looking at my browser history?
So anyway.. R informed me that 1. I need to take a bath if that is what makes me comfortable, it certainly is a shame the water doesn't cover my body like it did when I was a kid though.  And 2. I need to be more comfortable with myself.
I think I have a lot of shame pent up in me, for nothing too!  I am ashamed when I cry because I was a super emotional child and my mom once told me I was ugly when I cried.  I'm afraid to be naked because perverts could be watching (where does that come from?)... actually I know where that comes from... it comes from my 1st boyfriend.. I was in kindergarten.. yeah... he was my 1st boyfriend, my 2nd was when I turned 16.  Anyway, once at his house he showed me a tiny hole in the wall on the back side of the bathroom, no one would have ever noticed it before, but he did, and he used to watch someone, I can't remember who, get changed in the bathroom... And then later I discovered that there was a similar hole in the wall in my own bathroom, you had to be in the stairwell going to the basement, and the basement had nothing in it so the only reason anyone would be in the stairwell was to look through that hole (at least in my mind anyway). 
And then there is the ONE time I ever ventured a look at myself, I must have been in 1st grade, I saw, and then I stopped, and never looked again. Not sure why, but I was ashamed that I'd even looked then.
Gahh.. so i guess when you hear that therapists and pychologist want to blame everything on your childhood.. maybe there is some truth to that.. I mean I'm finding a lot of things from my past have really come to bite me now! 
Anyway.. I'm tired and need to get to bed.. just thought I'd share, I'm sure you wanted to know all about how uncomfortable I am naked and how I hate crying in front of people because it isn't something they should see.

beem me back to reality please... or not

Ok, I've been gone awhile, but I've also beem thinking a long time about what to say here... and also trying to remember what was already said, bur rgar is the problem with limiting your internet time you miss stuff...
I've been seeing a therapist for a month now, she is great. but sometimes I worry that she will think I'm ok and just say 'you don't need to come back anymore' and then the very next week I'll totally flip out!  It hasn't happened yet, but I have a somewhat good reason to feel that way.
A few weeks ago we were given the bad news that a relative had been diagnosed with cancer, and that their body was not behaving itself and that they may die.  needless to say we jumped, packed and ran/drove to see them as quickly and safely as possible, this meant me packing with two kids in tow, canceling appointments, rescheduling others, returning library books so they wouldn't be overdue, and movies that had been rented, and since my dryer was acting up bringing two loads of wet laundry to a friends house to be sure they would be dry for our trip.  And finding someone to come take care of our dogs while we were gone... amazingly I did it!  and it worked out really well even though I was totally stressed out, and not totally in love with the person I was about to be going to visit... but I am totally in love with the man I married who is a very good son to his mother and wouldn't have missed the opportunity.
Gosh that makes me sound like a shrew I think, but I just don't know her as well as others, and have a fear/hate for hospitals and people who may die in them since my grandmother died of staff infection.  (another story entirely).... anyway I did all that stuff to get ready while my husband went to work, got special leave through the red-cross to get out of work, and then went to get some new tires on his car and an oil change before our drive.
While we were visiting this sick relative i received a  text message from one of my closest friends, who was only 34weeks (barely) pregnant with her first baby, a girl, she was about to have a planned c-section followed by an operation on her intestines to remove some scar tissue that was causing an obstruction and a lot of pain for her.  This was heart wrenching for me, not only because I know this sweet girl had hopes of a much more 'happy' pregnancy, but also because I know how a c-section can totally alter your world, especially when you plan something so entirely different.  I think though that she thought once the operation was done things would go back to normal quickly, and as it turns out it has been a month since she was admitted to the hospital and a week since baby was born, and she still has an obstruction and is in pain and has had to give up her ideals of breastfeeding because taking care of her own pain, and doing what she needs to take care of herself and then trying to get such a tiny baby to latch and then pumping to increase and initiate her breastmilk supply has just been too much for her.
I find it sad, that so many things have happened to and around her, I pray all the time for her... today she called me, describing a pain that is so near my own and a fear of not being what she had hoped, I just wanted to jump the thousand miles that seperates us and show her she is doing a fabulous job and encourage her... she feels seperated from friends and family and has been stuck in the hospital too long...
A few days after returning to my own home (the trip was great the family member is doing much better than expected) i recived a call about my sister who has been on bedrest for a month in her own pregnancy due to a placenta previa, she started bleeding for the third time.  She was at this point 32 weeks 6 days pregnant... they preformed a c-section this last friday.  her baby is healthy but only 4lbs 8oz, and needs some assistance with breathing.  My sister seems to be dealing with her circumstances pretty well, but she also only JUST went through them.. My friend has had a litle time to reflect on what she's been through and baby while still new is doing great and she is now able to truely grieve the loss of a perfect birth story.
When i heard about my sister my scar began to burn... literally the whole thing just ached!  I never knew that your brain could recall a pain like this and make it real!  My therapist has asked me several times if i could feel the pain when I remembered the situation and until now I could honestly say 'no' just a normal healing type pain.. or when my pants rub a little too much on the scar it hurts, but this was totally different.. still only the skin and not the muscle (thank you Jesus) that hurt, but it was strange, and still now when i think of either of the girls that have just been through this my belly begins to burn with a fresh pain.
I don't see my therapist again until thursday, and I honestly wish I could see her now.. I'm trying to just live one day at a time, and focus on the things that need doing, but it is difficult because there are two women that I love so dearly going through a pain I can very well understand, and aside from listening to them on the telephone and hoping my experience is a help to them, I am unable to do anything to ease the pain I know they are going through.
I tried to tell myself 'their pain is not your own, they might be dealing better than you did'... but then my dear friend called and my heart just broke for her!  She is having a lot of emotions, and she is stuck in that room in the hospital and just wants it all to be over, and laments about the facts surrounding her babies birth!  I'm so sorry I can't be more for you dear friend!!!!!
well it is beyond bedtime... so I guess this ends my typing, but probably only begins my thinking since it plagues me so deeply when I lay down to sleep... I'll be praying tonight!

Reading and weeping.

I don't take switching churches lightly, and it is not for lack of support, but I'm contemplating asking my husband if I can attend another church for the sundays that he is not availible to help me.  The church I'm thinking of would be able to minister to me.  They have a full scale nursery and toddler room, I'd be able to drop both my children off to them and not have to keep F with me and juggle C while setting up parts of our children's ministry.
I have not been able to hear a sermon (though I sit in the service every week with the hope that I wont have to leave mid message) since I was pregnant for F, that was 5 months ago, and for that matter I didn't really get to sit in then either as I was attempting to launch a children's ministry that was just not budging.
Now the difficulty is that I am a leader in the ministry.  I did tell my superior (is that what you call them?) that I would be dropping all of my duties minus lesson planning for the near future because my focus needs to be on my family, and due to PPD I'm stressing too much over too many things to keep up with Children's church and not make my family my priority.  She seemed to take that alright, but now I'm facing the hard choice of dropping even that.  In the first place I just don't feel equiped to be doing it right now, but I keep thinking that I shouldn't be giving up.. but I also have been feeling like I need to be first and foremost a good mom, and I'm too overtasked to be that.  I'm an 'ok' mom, and that is all I'm able to be. 
I want to start structuring my days so that I have specific things I can do with C to help him learn his colors and letters, and get him the headstart he needs since he is not attending a preschool.  I know this is early but I'm not expecting anything from him, I'm just wanting to make learning fun, and introduce the concepts to him.
I feel like my life is a garden and the fruits and vegetables are my children, and my husband, and our home, and if I'm going to produce good things in my garden I have to get rid of some of the other items.  Weeds to be sure, but probably some flowers and trees too... that is the hard part.  The flowers and trees are good, but they are only flowers and fruitless trees, they are not producing anything for my children, my veggies and fruits... I sometimes feel like the lessons I'm planning for those other children (my son isn't in that class) are great for those children, but not good for my family, as they take away from my sleep and time spent with the kids and my husband, mostly my husband since I do them while the kids are sleeping.
So if I switched to this other church when P isn't around to help me I would be dropping the children's church lesson planning, I'd have to, but in return I'd be able to sit through a sermon and maybe even have the opportunity to open my bible and notebook (another thing I have not done since I had F).  If I were to hear a sermon I might learn something from it, and if I learned something from it then I might be encouraged, and if I gain encouragement I might be able to apply it to my house hold.
I used to think that the only way I could serve God was by serving the church, and I LOVE to do that, but lately I'm starting to think the best way I can serve God is to raise up my children to be like him, and I can't do that if I'm struggling to get them to church early so I can set up different things, greeting people at the door instead of cuddling my babies before service, and putting them in bed so I can put a lesson together and dragging my feet in the morning when I could be teaching them a new song or feeding them something more healthy than cereal every morning.
I was looking for guidance in my bible, and I found a few verses that spoke to me in proverbs, I don't know if they are leading me toward asking P if I can drop children's lessons or attend another church, but they encouraged me that my thoughts about our family are at least headed the right direction.
Proverbs 14:1 The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.
Am I building my house or tearing it down bit by bit when I'm stressed out and over tasking myself?
The other verse that I found is Proverbs 12:11  Those who til their land will have plenty of food, but those who follow worthless pursuits have no sense.
What is feeding me?  Is the pursuit of helping the church feeding me or not?  I'm not quiet sure yet... but the thought, the verse is rather interesting.. what things in my life are worthless?  Is it beneficial for me to do them?  They may be doing good in one area, but are they worth while for my family?  Will they provide food for my family? 
Just some food for thought... I should be seeing a counselor tomorrow, but I'm not sure, my 1st appointment has been rescheduled 2x's and the first woman assigned to my 'case' is now dropping it and handing it over to another woman, but I didn't get a chance to call her back until she was out of the office, so I have to wait to hear back from her to know if the 'tenative' appointment block she said she had availible will be one I get to utilize.  I am excited and scared... I've come within 10 minutes of this appointment twice and the second time I actually cried that it didn't happen so I'm nervous that it will be the same tomorrow and I don't want to hold out too much hope for it to actually happen.

The bigger the plan the harder the fail

I was overwhelmed yesterday just thinking of the monumental task that waited for me today.  I stayed up 30 minutes later than I should have because of my pumping schedule, and was worried that it would make this morning even more difficult.
I had no idea how today would go, all the things I worried about were fine.  after going to bed I actually got to sleep until 4am, That is the first time F has slept 7 hours straight!  Nevermind the fact that I didnt sleep for 7 hours, I was excited to wake up at 4am instead of 1:30am!  So after giving her a bottle I had already prepared for her I went back to bed.  And then right on schedule F woke me up with her playing at 6:30am, I actually jumped out of bed thinking it was much later than it was.  But since it was 6:30am I changed F's diaper and decided it was time to be awake.  this should give me plenty of time to be ready for church this morning!  P left for work 2 hours ago, and I'm on my own, extra time is welcome!
After the diaper change I gave F her cereal since I had no breastmilk to give her yet, she didnt do so well with it today, gagged a few times but didnt puke or anything so we were ok.  Then I got her dressed and medicated, and oiled up so she was glistening shiney (cant wait for her eczema to clear up, I really hope it will).  Then I put her in the pac n' play and took a shower, I knew C was up but really needed a shower and didnt trust him not to 'give' his sister a heavy dangerous toy while I was showering.  Once showered I got C up gave him breakfast and took F to her room pumped and then fed her the bottle, and laid her down for her morning nap.  C finished eating got down from the table and came to brush his teeth while I put my hair up.  Then since F was sleeping and i had a minute so I put on some make-up, the C pooped in his diaper we talked about how it goes in the potty, I changed him, then he insisted on wearing a tie (because mommy was) and I gave him one but had to chage his shirt, F woke up I scooped her up slipped my feet in some flip flops and grabbed my phone and went for my keys only to find that I had no idea where they were.  I checked the car and all my normal key dropping places, then I started checkin random places like cupboards and drawers... I can't find them! 
The last place I remember having them was in my back pocket, I'm actually wearing those pants today and I hung them up last night so I know they didn't fall out on the floor, and they are not in my pocket now (the coin I took from C yesterday is there, but no keys). 
Then my temper started coming on.  Amazingly quick actually.  I sent a text to P to ask if he knew where they were, he didn't respond so I called, he didn't answer, I searched some more, called again, no answer, searched some more.. Prayed, and still couldn't find them.. then I needed to tell someone about my distress so I put it on facebook.. and two people 'liked' my comment.. probably because they can relate, but that just made me want to cry... so I did.
C started acting up because he was all ready to go but we were not leaving, and I over reacted and yelled at him, I must have been rather scary cause I've only ever seen him respond the way he did when his dad gets mad and impatient with him.  I left the room for a good amount of time to try to calm down but the fact that I couldn't find my keys just followed me around the house... taunting me about how I was not going to make it to church, how they were counting on me because I have the speakers in my car for children's church, how i had put ALL THAT EFFORT into getting there and now I was failing because of something simple like keys.  Eventually I realized that C was not around so I returned to the last place I saw him, and there he was laying on the floor just like I'd left him... poor boy.. I felt bad and gave him a hug and explained that mommy was just really frustrated. 
A few minutes went by and I'm still sitting here thinking "where did I put them?"  and C walks up and steps on something and announces that he is doing so, and I tell him that it will break if he stands on it and he just smiles, OH CHILD!  I tell him to GO... SIT DOWN!!!  and he cries a little whimper, I've scared him again, a few minutes later I turn around and he is sitting on the couch zoned out entirely.. I feel incredibly bad... Poor little boy I'm totally screwing you up!  This is my hyperactive, cheerful two year old, and he has laid on the floor for about 5 minutes because mommy hurt his feelings, and then sat on the couch because mommy told him to but is doing it in such an quiet unusual way.  Bad mommy! 
I still can't find the keys, put a movie in for C and put F back down to sleep since 10 mins is not enough time for a nap... I guess we are staying home today!
I know they are here somewhere, I did have them yesterday, I guess I just have even more reason to clean my house today!  Like I needed more reasons!

27 Candles

Today I celebrated my 27th birthday, it is incredible, a few months ago I felt like 27 was old.. ask me whether I felt like 30 was scary and you'd have been surprized to learn that 30 doesn't scare me at all, but for some reason 27 did.  Today though I feel like I am more capable than ever to embrace 27!
A baby boy was born today, my best friend delivered her son on my birthday.. maybe that is part of the reason that I'm ok with it, or maybe it is that he was born at 10:27am and is exactly 27 years younger than me!  Ok, that was a random thought and I only just now thought of the odd coincidence so probably not the reason I'm ok with my age.  I know that I've been the mother of two for 5 months now, but it seems to me that today that is exactly where I want to be.  What I mean to say is that 27 seems the perfect age for me to have such a wonderful family.  27 seems the perfect age to watch my daughter take her first steps (since they will likely happen sometime before I turn 28) 27 seems the perfect age to Love me. 
Probably all this good mood is the benefit of having a really great birthday.  My son brought me a diaper today and like he has every day since mother's day he said "Happy Berfday mommy" a diaper seemed a perfect present from the boy who is doing so well getting potty trained (regardless of how long it has taken us to get to this point).  He got to blow out the candle on my icecream (yes I said ice cream and not cake) at the restaurant we went to... I video'd it all... 27 seems the perfect age to have been married to a wonderful husband for 4 years, 27 seems to be an age I can 'fit'  I never fit 16, 18, 21, or even 25.  the last time I felt like I 'fit' my age was when I was 24.  I still sometimes feel like I am 24, but today I feel 27.  I like the feel of fitting where I am.
I like the feel of knowing that tomorrow I will be able to look at my two children, and my husband and know that I am loved, I like the feel of the facts that are infront of me.
I do still have worries though, scares, or frets if you will.  Simple things make me worry.  Like tomorrow.  I'm scared of tomorrow.  I know that I've had a wonderful day today, and that tomorrow is going to be 'another day'.  P is going to go to work, C and F and I will be home, doing... nothing.  And tomorrow is Saturday, the day everyone else will be doing 'something'.  There wont be anyone to visit, there wont be anything special to do, and I'll face the reality that sometimes I'm alone.  luckily all those thoughts will probably pass at about 1:30pm when my husband walks through the door done with work for the day.  I'm scared that tomorrow I'll return to the bad me.  the one that doesn't have anything exciting happening, the one that is stressed out over her house being dirty and kids not having had baths in WAY longer than they should have gone but bath water makes me nervous.
I'm worried that tomorrow I'll be suffering from PPD, like I was yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that.  See exciting days that pull me away from the panic in my brain make the days where I have to face my own thoughts again scary.  I love exciting days, but I hate when they end. who doesn't hate the end of a great day though right?
I do remember once upon a time at the end of a particularly good day I would put on my nicest pjs, sink my body into my bed, curl up with my husband (or way back when I was single a pillow or stuffed animal) and just breathe a sigh of contentment and lull myself to sleep thinking about the great day I just had.  But now it isn't the memories of a great day that will come to me as I lay down my head for the night.. it is the worry of tomorrow.  And what honestly is there to worry about tomorrow?  My kids are healthy, my house is still standing, my dogs are still friendly and alive, I'm doing great, my water runs, my electricity is on... and yet.... tomorrow will come whether I go to sleep or not... so here is to the effort of sleep tonight and the prayer that Fia will let me get some good sleep. 
And my prayer tonight will sound like this:
Lord THANK YOU for today, please help me to be more than happy to be blessed with tomorrow, keep me sane and friendly for my children, and bless my husband with the rest he needs tonight.  And if the worst of days should happen tomorrow, please grant me the peace of mind that I need to make it through without scarring my children with my mental incapacities.  Amen.