A year has passed and so much has remained

 The year 2020 has been a whopper for the entire world.  I don’t need to tell anyone that, but it seems the best thing to say when explaining the year the world freaked out about Covid-19, and shutdown everything.

This year has also been a blessing though. Raise your hand if you realized how much you actually like people?  Or you realized you don’t ‘need’ to go out as often as you thought you did.  Or perhaps you realized the people you live with are actually people you enjoy being around, and have truly gotten to know them better this year.

The suicide rate increased, the stillbirth rate increased (worldwide), the social interaction decreased, everyone hid their faces from disease and each other, the stores ran out of toilet paper, and tatter tots. Kids were dismissed from school and homeschooling became popular and accepted overnight.  Hospitals freaked out and didn’t let anyone in, including pregnant women and their support, which increased homebirth.

When 2020 started I had just said good-bye to a young lady from Mongolia who decided she wasn’t happy staying as our exchange student.  I had just started working with a local midwife and her newly certified and licensed partner. I was for the FIRST time in my parental life, a working mom.  And I was preparing for my bachelors degree courses by taking some community college courses.  A few months in and the whole world had changed.  

In April everything shut down, fear dominated every interaction, republicans and Democrats were pointing fingers at everyone.  The stores made mask mandates, and enforced them, people died over mask wearing!  

In June we were all sick of it, but w continued on, with the hope that the situation would calm down, but mostly the governor in my state said she couldn’t allow a relaxation of her policies and the mandates stood firm, are still standing firm in December.

But do you know what didn’t change?  

My love for friends and family, and gathering in celebrations.

My love for childbirth, and excitement for learning it, and experiencing it as a midwife.

My love for each of my brilliant kids, and continuing to educate them from home as I always have done.

My love for my husband, who I’ll admit has gone through some pretty profound changes himself this year,  (he became a stay at home dad this year!)

My absolute love for Jesus, and how he doesn’t give me a spirit of fear, and how he is constantly just right there beside me, and relieving my anxiety when I enter a store and wonder how badly I’ll be judged by the patrons there.

I just read my post about Christmas, written so long ago now... and yet, every little thing I said still holds true. We just finished our celebration of the birth of Christ.  I don’t care what day he was born, I care that I celebrate one of the biggest events in human history, when God became man and lived among us!  It is an amazing thing!

This year our Barn burned down, with the kids bikes, pet rabbits, lawn mower, and many other rather important things inside.  Patrick lost his job, 3 times.  I started full time school and an apprenticeship and found myself gone from home more than I ever had been in the past.  Life has absolutely changed here, with or without the worldwide pandemic.  And yet, somehow I’ve survived it, not just from disease, in fact disease is furthest from my mind when I think of this.... no I’ve survived trials, tribulations, celebrations, altered plans, distraction, and so much more.

I could choose to think 2020 was terrible, and I would be absolutely within my rights to say I hope 2021 is better, but I would rather think that 2020 brought challenges that proved I’m a winner, and 2021 will bring more of the same, and I’ll find myself leaning on God’s grace, and following him as best as I am able, guiding my children along with me, and serving people as I go.

https://youtu.be/1spkhp41ig4

This song perfectly describes this year... there is so much beauty, even in this pain, even in the pandemic.

Christmas

Over the last few years there seems to be a trend toward Christians ceasing their celebration of the traditional American holidays, especially Christmas.
Reasons I’ve heard given include: God didn’t command us to celebrate them, Jesus didn’t celebrate them, They started with pagan beliefs, and they are really a celebration of pagan holidays with a veil over them to make them appear Christian.
I understand and totally respect that you feel that way, if in fact you do.  However, that is how YOU feel, not me, and I’m a christian too.  So I’m going to address this from my perspective, and why I choose to celebrate Christmas.
Jewish tradition doesn’t celebrate birthdays, so God didn’t actually COMMAND anyone to celebrate the birth of his son, HOWEVER, the biggest party ever went down the night of Jesus’ birth, and you better believe there was celebrating going on all over the place.  The only people mentioned at the time of Jesus’ birth that were not celebrating were actually not good people... (Herod).  A lot of babies died in that time too... because someone choose not to celebrate... now don’t get me wrong, this will further my point, but I’m certainly not saying that not celebrating is going to end up killing people... don’t jump to conclusions that I don’t intend, but do hear me out.
Who was scared but chose to celebrate anyway?  Mary, Joseph, the shepherds, and the wisemen.  Who didn’t join the celebration?  The innkeepers, I think, did not join this celebration, don’t know why, but aside from showing Mary to a barn to birth her baby (wait, I know you scholars will probably tell me it wasn’t a barn, but it was where animals were kept, so lets call it a barn for that particular reason alone and leave the rest of that argument out of this article) the innkeeper isn’t mentioned again, so I think it is safe to say they ran back to the house they lived in or had other business to attend to.  Herod didn’t attend the birthday party either, why? Cause he thought this kid was going to grown up to take his thrown, and that wasn’t acceptable so he tied what he could to annihilate the kid and secure his thrown.  What is the difference between Mary’s fear that she wasn’t good enough, or prepared enough to be the mother of GODS child, and the fear that Herod would loose his thrown to this kid?  The difference is in their hearts.  Mary wanted God’s will but she was scared she wasn’t good enough, however she trusted the Lord and His plan.  Herod was scared his thrown would be taken away and didn’t trust the will of God, so he tried to kill God’s son.  In Herod’s heart was distrust, selfishness, and desire for more, in Mary’s heart was trust, and obedience, and willingness.  Their hearts approached the birth of Jesus with completely differently.
Now how did God celebrate?  I ask first, what do we do for the biggest parties?  Food, yes, Music, yes, presents, yes, decorations, yes, guests, yes. So what did God do? He put the biggest decoration ever in the sky, a brand new star.  Then he got a choir and musicians to go down to a field and sing and announce his child’s birth, he invited guests, the shepherds, to come see his baby, and he sent wisemen (rich guys from another country) to bring presents, expensive presents I might add, but orchestrated by God nonetheless, because each gift represented something significant that would occur in Jesus life (that is a different topic though, if you are curious please look it up, it is pretty cool).  The only element of this birthday party that I don’t find in our current celebration is food. So maybe this is God’s way of saying ‘don’t get fat on my account’... but otherwise I think it is pretty safe to say that God was excited for his child’s birth and had a party.
True he didn’t celebrate any year after (at least not that we know of), and true Jesus May have been born in either September or in the spring, but in the lack of an actual date, any date is fine, just like when a child’s birthday is around a time of year that is not convenient to celebrate some people choose to celebrate the child’s half birthday instead... lets not get annoying over the date that has been chosen.
The birthday of Christ was actually estimated to be around Dec 25th BEFORE pagan holidays began to be celebrated around that time anyway... look it up if you don’t believe me, my husband just showed me a very short video that had a timeline showing when Christ’s birthday was estimated and then when the pagan holidays began, and then some other interesting facts as well, and all he did to find it was google the phrase, “Why Christmas is not a pagan holiday”.  But to be fair to the scholars who have looked all this stuff up already and don’t care to argue about it, here is my simple truth.  Jesus cared more about your heart than he cared your holidays.
He addresses the hearts of his people over and over again, constantly looking not at the sin, or act, or behavior, but at the heart of the matter and then addressing the person about their heart rather than their actions.  I don’t think he would be upset that we are so THANKFUL that he came to earth to live among us, and eventually offer himself as the greatest sacrifice ever that we celebrate a day in our year saying thank you to him for the gift of his birth as a HUMAN... how could that be wrong?
Well, it can actually, and this will sound counterintuitive to my whole argument when I say this, but celebrating a holiday that isn’t sanctioned by God himself CAN be sinful.
Why would I say that?  Because each person needs to take a very serious look at the traditions they do each year to celebrate these holidays, and figure out the answer to two things... 1. Why do I traditionally do this?  2. Does this tradition point to Jesus?
Sometimes the answer to one question will also answer the other, but not always... so look carefully, are you celebrating the birth of Christ because it honors Jesus? Or are you doing it because someone taught you to, or any number of other reasons.  And then look again, if you do it because you think it is a good reminder of Christ at this time of year, then when you do it are you standing in awe of Christ while you do it?  If no, then maybe you need to get back to the heart of it, or cut it out because it no longer serves the intended purpose.
Here is a glimpse into Christmas at my house.
I decorate my house, why?  Because I love to have a home where people feel inspired, and comfortable, and festive... why? Because I think it honors Christ to make people feel that way.  Also, the stars and the angels, they were God’s design, and I can’t recreate that, so I do what I can with Christmas lights on the outside of my home.  Ordinarily I would only decorate with red and white lights, but my family over ruled me a few years ago, and we got multicolored lights, and when the lights, die I intend to go back to red and white.
I decorate a tree too... why?  Because The evergreen tree has two important qualities about it that I think represent it’s creator (GOD) really well... first it is shaped like a triangle, having three points and three sides, and God has three parts to him as well, we call him the trinity, but some disagree with that term as it isn’t in the Bible, what is in the Bible is God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.  It is incredible to me that God has seen it all, and created a tree that so accurately shows himself to be one.... also the evergreen is always green, always growing, always alive, and so is God, who is biblically referred to as Omnipresent, and Omnipotent.  God is, was, and always will be... and my tree is green, was green, and always will be green... even after I cut it down, bring it into my house to decorate it, and then as I drag it outside it will still be green (mostly).
I have two traditions in my house, that go with tree decorating.  1. Each family member chooses an ornament that represents the year and themselves in that year.  And 2. My tree aside from the ornaments my children choose will be decorated with red and white with an acceptable addition of silver only.
First I’d like to look at tradition number 1.  Why do I do that?  It goes back to my first Christmas alone as an adult in an apartment.  I had NOTHING... I bought my tree and a bunch of multicolored bulbs to decorate with (this is back before I’d decided red and white only) and then I set it all up in my apartment. And I was lonely. So lonely.  And my tree was expensive and the ornaments were hard to afford on my first real job’s pay after making sure I could pay my rent and afford to eat.  So I decided that my kids would have at least one ornament every year to collect and take with them when they have their first tree.  And to remind them of a year of God working small changes in their hearts, and showing himself to them.
The second tree decorating tradition is that I decorate in red and white only... this is because the red symbolizes the blood Jesus shed for my sins, and the white is the pure as snow state he leaves me in after washing away the guilt of my sins with his own blood.  This is a reminder that not only did a tiny baby come to live with us, as a human among us, but he grew up and did the one thing none of us could do for ourselves, he cleansed us with his blood and made us capable of entering into God’s presence.
I give gifts. Why?  Oh so many reasons!  I love that I can give to others, and make them have a tiny bit of the Joy that God’s only son’s birth gives to me, through a gift that I truly thought about the receiver with.  I love that the wisemen gave gifts at Jesus’ birthday party, and that they gave three gifts, if that is enough for Jesus, then that is enough for my children.  They receive three gifts, and just as Jesus had practical gifts I also give my children well thought out practical gifts as well.  Not just ‘things’ for the sake of things, but things that I know they will get use out of and be drawn back to time and time again, for extended use... if a present could be forgotten in a few days I don’t want it in my home.  I gift things to my children whether they are naughty or nice, not because they deserve it, but because they do NOT deserve it, just as I do not deserve the love of Christ, but he gives it freely to me daily, forgiving me of all my sins. I give gifts to strangers whenever the Lord directs me to do so, filling their lives with hope, a gift that God offers to each of us, through the birth of his son. I give because he gave.  I give gifts so that my children learn how to receive gifts as well as how to give them to others.  Because learning to graciously receive a gift is just as important as graciously giving them.
I make a giant christmas breakfast every year, why?  Well this doesn’t show up in scripture, around Jesus birth, but rather in his life... because I want to SERVE.  I prepare a giant meal and serve it to my family because I want to be an example of a servant to my children, as they grow, so that they too will want to serve others.  And then since I make the meal so big we can enjoy it all day and I have the chance to sit and truly be with my children on the holiday, which is something I want to do every day, but doesn’t happen as often as I would like... but it is purposeful on Christmas.
Christmas Eve we wear matching pajamas and watch the nativity story on DVD.  Why?  Because matching pajamas are fun, because the kids always need new pajamas, and because it is a unified house, with one motive, to love God, and to love each other.  And the movie?   Well it is a really amazing portrayal of the first Christmas. And I want everything we do to reflect Christ at Christmas, and every other time of year.
What we don’t do:
We don’t lie to the children, there is no giant elf that leaves them christmas presents, and if they ask about Santa we gladly tell them the true Santa story, about St. Nicholas, and how he was a gift giver, and the legends that are around the man behind the story are because there was some truth to it, but he doesn’t fly in a sleigh, live forever, or watch them while they are awake and asleep. I tell my kids that every house has a Santa, usually mom or dad, and that we do it because it is a fun reminder to be a gift giver like that man was a gift giver, offering (like God did) very practical gifts that filled a real need, but there is no reason practicality can’t also be fun. And on occasion the kids do leave out cookies for ‘santa’ and then they speculate on who will eat them, mom or dad.
We do not have pictures with Santa. Why?  To be honest there’s is one Santa that I would take my kids to, but he isn’t in the same state as we are currently, and the only reason I would go to him is because he is a good Christian man, and a friend of mine whom I usually only saw at Christmas time when he was playing Santa at a retail store that also gave him floor time to read about Jesus’ birth every day.  Otherwise we don’t have pictures with Santa because it would confuse the message I’ve given to my children about the man being dead hundreds of years ago, and how we don’t celebrate him, but rather Christ at Christmas.
We do not have an Elf on our shelf. Why?  Because again this confuses the kids, no one is watching to see if they are good or not, my kids get presents not because they were good, but because I love them... I don’t want to use anyone other than Jesus in their lives to encourage good behavior.
So there you have it, I have so much more I could say on the subject of Christmas, and why I’m still a good Christian even though I celebrate Christmas, and want to keep him at the heart of it.

The last thing I’d like to say is that if Christ isn’t at the center of your Christmas, perhaps you shouldn’t celebrate it, but if he is, do so without holding back.  Sing, Dance, laugh, love, and celebrate so long as the thing you are celebrating is Jesus, and not all the traditions and ‘stuff’ that has to be done.... it just isn’t Christmas when it becomes about the traditions instead of the man you set out to honor when you do the ‘stuff’ you do.

There is no stress in my home pertaining to Christmas, it is all about Jesus, and I know he sees my heart before he sees anything that I do, so stress isn’t a thing in this house, not at Christmas.  Busyness sure, but stress no.

Ponderings

I've had so many things on my mind lately that I struggled to figure out which blog I would like to post these thoughts on, in the end I realized that some where appropriate for my business blog, some for my home schooling blog, and others for this one, my general speak your mind and other stuff blog.. none of these blogs are very populated so I would be surprised if more than a handful of people read any of the thoughts, but all the same each thing weighing on my mind had very different topics and didn't belong all jumbled up in the same space.
At first I turned to my business blog, because there is a lot of uproar going on in the birth world, and I as a birth doula have a lot of jumbled thoughts I'd like to unjumble in a thoughtful blog post, but then I realized that I'm not quite there yet, and writing too quickly on the subject (Midwifery Today and the Amish venue they chose for their conference) could potentially alienate or offend my clientele and so I really shouldn't make my thoughts known until I know them fully myself.
Then I wanted to write about how our school year is going, and how it is so different from last year, terrifying and peaceful all at the same time... but then I'm not quite sure where I want to go with that thought yet either... so here you find me. 
I've had so many friends turning aside from traditional Christianity lately, not away from God, but away from the church as it is currently, and those who I have recently met have also turned aside... and I've been studying and questioning myself for a long time now. This is a subject I know my heart on.
What are the turns in the path of Christianity that I've witnessed lately?  The different directions I've seen lately vary from strict adherence to biblical law, a total acceptance of grace without acknowledgement of law, a total denial of sciences (including medical, and physical, and go ahead and throw in some astronomy as well). 
Some of my friends have decided the earth might be flat after all, some of them have decided that anything that has changed since biblical times (i.e. added holidays, or holidays taken away, acceptable foods, and what the sabbath really is and how to hold it) is not biblical and is not therefore acceptable, and some of them have decided that the law in being 'fulfilled' by Christ is no longer worth following. 
The people questioning these things have been my friends for quite some time, and none of them agree with each other about the things that they are turning from.  i.e. my grace only friend says that the earth isn't flat, and we don't need law, one of my flat earth friends says that we need law and grace is a cop-out (essentially), another flat earth (questioner) friend is all about grace and law alike, then there is my totally law friend, who I'll be honest hasn't weighed in on the round verses flat earth subject.... but every one of them has talked to me about their thoughts on these matters and each one of them, knowingly or not has made me run back to my bible to look and see EXACTLY what I believe. 
I thought I was pretty well versed in the bible, but it turns out I still question everything too.... although in the end I always get my answers directly from the word of God.  That is where I decided to start... all scripture is God breathed and useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness (2 Tim. 3:16), but I also want to hold a lot of weight on Jesus' actual words... Partly because my church is doing a series on 'red letters' which is where some bibles put all of Jesus' words in red and the rest of the text in black, and partly because one of my law abiding friends challenged me on a subject that specifically has to do with the words of Jesus. 
I have been reading Mark right now, and looking closely at all the words of Jesus as I go through, and you know what?  The best advice I've found from Jesus is simply to let these Christians be... why?
Because we each have a place in the kingdom, and a useful purpose... we are each uniquely formed, and created to serve different purposes, so of course we would fulfill them differently.  If a cup decided to be a spoon, true they both hold liquid, but the user of the cup wouldn't be very pleased if the cup refused to be used for drinking water but instead only held small amounts of soup, or pudding.  It just isn't reasonable that I should try to fit into the mold of ANY of my friends.

Following Love

A long time ago when I was a child, I thought like children do, and I was afraid that the Lord would come to get us all and I'd never have a chance to be a missionary, a ballerina, a mom, a singer, and an Avon sales lady.... my dad was kind of pushy with his belief in the Lord returning soon and VERY soon. At that time God spoke to my heart and told me how my method of reaching others was not one of being loud and pushy (not saying that is a bad method, it just isn't mine), but rather just loving on people where they are, and welcoming them to God's heart so that he can correct them where they need correcting, but my love and lifestyle would be the start, not my telling them how wrong they are on whatever they are wrong about.

Sometimes we Christians get wrapped up in right or wrong, and forget about love.  Sometimes we want to be fast to point the finger, Jesus told us to avoid that when he said "You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Matthew 7:5.  So I'm asking myself now, do I have any planks in my eyes?  Did you know that eyes has all the same letters as yes?  Well I do, sometimes I don't even know about them, but there they are, obvious to all of my family and friends.

What has the Lord revealed to me lately?  The anger and frustration that I feel burning inside myself when someone tells me to 'learn' or tries to teach me something they think I don't know... that is my plank.  It isn't right that I get mad when people want to 'educate' me.  I'm wrong, and for any of those people I've gotten mad at for trying to teach me something, I'd like to apologize. I'm sorry.

 I'm not the first person in history to have this problem, in fact the disciples saw a man casting out demons in Jesus' name and preaching to people and they told him he had to stop. Why? because he wasn't part of their group, he wasn't a member of the squad, he was an outsider with the same knowledge, or perhaps more understanding than them, and they were offended and went to Jesus and told him how they commanded that man to stop... maybe they were expecting Him to pat their shoulders and say they did right?  But what really happened is that Jesus did the opposite, he said 'those who are not against us are on our team' and he told them not to stop that man, or any others from doing God's work, no matter what team they were part of, Mark 9:38-42.

The following is just speculation and will not be found in scripture... but what if that man , after doing some amazing things for the Kingdom of God went away from seeing the disciples and hearing them tell him off for what he was doing decided that perhaps he was wrong, and stopped doing anything for God... what if he walked away from that chance encounter and stopped, just stopped... or what if he retracted his good, what if he told others it had just been an illusion, that he thought great things were happening but maybe they were not.  What if the disciples in rebuking that man stopped the great work that the Lord was doing in a community the disciples would shortly move away from?

And so instead of being angry about learning new things I'm starting to just let it be.  Instead of telling people they are wrong to believe differently than I believe, I'm starting to pray for them, and ask God to use them to work miracles in the lives of the people they touch every day... whether that is through social media, or anywhere else.  I'm starting to pay attention to the good that comes of their questions, the answers they have found, and the fact that they are SEEKING truth.  I can't blame even one of them for seeking the Lord, even if the answers they seem to have found are against what I currently believe about the Lord. 

I'm also praying, earnestly that the Lord will help me take the planks from my own eyes as he reveals them to me, and allow me to learn new things from unlikely sources (and friends too 😜).  And then I pray that if my friends are right and I'm wrong that he will reveal that to me, and if they are wrong and I am right that he will also reveal that to them.  I'm not trying to make waves, I just want to get through life witnessing by action instead of word that the Lord is good, and his ways are right.

What about sin the bible really does say is wrong?  There are a few things the bible specifically says are totally wrong, in the New and Old testament, and what if my friends are saying those things are OK?  I'm not going to go into any detail, because honestly this question came to mind without any kind of specific friend or situation presenting it, it was probably just my mind looking for loopholes to God's word, who knows.  The more I read about sin, the more I really begin to see that we ALL have sin in our lives, and when we are truly following Christ, he will reveal that sin to us, and once it is revealed we have a choice.  Continue living in sin, knowing it is wrong and that the Lord condemns it, or stop.

If we continue then Christ dying on the cross was in vain, and every time you do that thing you are nailing Jesus to the cross again, and showing him how little you care that he is there in your place, and therefore risking your own salvation because you are not repentant.  If you stop then you have shown Jesus you care, and don't want to continue punishing him for your own sins, and therefore you must stop sinning, your conscience demands it. 

And so , even in the case of sin, it is NOT my place to correct them, though a gentle reminder of God's thoughts on a matter are appropriate from time to time.  It is Jesus who took the punishment, and it is his place to make our sins known to us.  It is ours to simply love like Jesus loved. 

And there you have it.. I plan to love, and not let my own frustration get in the way. No matter how strange your way of loving Jesus is.



 

School is starting again!

Dear Readers, I'm not so great at this blog thing, I've had years to get it, but it hasn't come to me yet... however, lately it seems that I'm being drawn back to writing, so maybe this time... or maybe not...

Today is the first day of school, you might be wondering why in the world we are starting school on August 1st, which is typically way too early for a school year, and also happens to be a Thursday... but that is the beauty of home school!

Last year among all the chaos we decided to move back to Michigan... a decision that I felt was right, but also hated entirely.  There were of course good things about the move, being close to family, and our best friends who had moved back there the year before, but I had made our last home HOME... and I really wanted to stay there.  We named it 'Sometimes Creek'  I painted a sign for it, it was beautiful, and I loved every part of it... and then God called us away.

Right in the middle of a school year!

So now as a family we have moved a total of 14 times.  I really hope that phase of our life is done, and it seems for the first time EVER, my husband might be on board with living out our days in one spot.

Last year we had a baby, took an unplanned scoping vacation to see what we could find for housing in Michigan, moved to a parsonage for temporary housing, spent MONTHS looking for a house to buy, and then moved into our home, our school year was WRECKED.  And among all the craziness it just wasn't working to do school every day, so where we should have finished the year in May, we were still hard at work into June, and even most of July.  The kids finished their school work as they were able, and I stopped pushing at all.. Its a new thing for me, to let them determine their education and find their own way through stuff... but I'll explain that in a minute.

Caeden was the last to finish his workbooks this year, and the last page was finished Tuesday, July 30th, leaving me ONE day to prepare for school to start on August 1st... starting on this date also lets us finish next year when we usually finish without stressing too hard, we can still take a good amount of breaks and enjoy things throughout the year.  I'd honestly like to go to year round schooling next year and this lines us back up to being able to do that.

Today we begin a journey, today we start again, today we are starting school.

I said I would explain how I'm not pushing the kids anymore, so here goes.  In the past I lined up everything meticulously, I knew how many pages had to be finished every single day in order to complete a school year on time.  I also found that it was stressing the kids out, having this deadline over their heads, childhood should be a time with no stress, helping them grow and form patterns in their brains that will last a lifetime.. I want my kids to be hard workers, but I don't want them stressed out.  So, for this school year I'm going to provide them work to do, and set a timer for each subject and let them go as fast or slow as they want to on each thing.  I'd love to see their determination grow, and their  work ethic along with it, but if that doesn't happen I will see something else happen, less enjoyable, but still just as important, they will see that they have the power to determine somethings in their future... they will see (if they don't work hard) the consequences of their inaction, which will be that they don't get to move onto the next grade level in each subject unless they finish the one they have... which could mean years in the same grade if they don't do anything.. but I have faith in my kids, they will do well. 

As a first day of school starter, I also wanted to interview each of the kids.
Here is Micah's interview
Age:  5
Grade: Kindergarten
What was your favorite part about school last year? "coloring"
What are you looking forward to this year? "That I can finally color"
If you had one big goal that you wanted to work toward what would it be? "Reading"
What would you like to tell yourself at the end of this school year? "I like dinosaurs"

Here is Caeden's interview
Age: 10
Grade: This year or last year?  (this) 5th grade
What was your favorite part about school last year?  "I liked what History was about last year.
What you are you looking forward to this year?  "My new math" 
If you had one big goal that you wanted to work toward what would it be?  "A LONG Summer break."
What would you like to tell yourself at the end of this school year? "You've done a good job Caeden, Thank you Caeden."

Here is Sapphira's interview:
Age: 9
Grade: 3rd
What was your favorite part about school last year? "Doing my math really fast"
What are you looking forward to this year? "because we haven't done school in a long time."
If you had one big goal that you wanted to work toward what would it be? "That is really hard, I have to think about it, read 7 books."
What would you like to tell yourself at the end of this school year? "I did very well"

Esmarie isn't starting school but I interviewed her anyway.
Age: something
Grade: ummm Esmarie
What was your favorite part about school last year? "umm, school last year"
What are you looking forward to this year? "this year, um, do"
If you had one big goal that you wanted to work toward what would it be?  "this year, potty trained"  (I might have fed that one to her)
What would you like to tell yourself at the end of this school year? "sister"

With that, I guess you are as ready as we are to start this year up!  I'm excited! Can't wait to tell you how our first day goes!

The Amazing Birth of Kya

God has blessed me so much through the birth of our 5th child, and I'm only sorry I didn't write about it sooner.  I think this story might help other mamas, so I'm going to copy some entries from my personal journal about her birth and the pregnancy leading to that birth below.  Please understand my journal is not just a diary, it is my letters to the King of Kings, so they are addressed to God.  Also understand that not all my entries are written about pregnancy, so you will see the dates are quite different and spaced out, but that doesn't mean that I don't write often, just that the letters between the ones shared are not relevant.

"5-17-18
Dear Lord in heaven, mighty savior,
I am reading in Samuel and find it interesting that 1 Samuel 3:1b says "The word of the Lord was rare in those days; visions were not widespread."
It seems you have some silent times throughout history. And it seems during these times that so many evil men and women influence the world. Now it seems to be a break in your silence for my generation. Aside from the things you speak to my heart, I don't have proof of what you are saying to the people of my world, but with men like Dan Fisher running for governor of Oklahoma and wanting to put an end to abortion in our state, calling it what it is; murder, it seems your silence in the hearts of men around the world is ending, and change is coming.
....
Lord, I am positive that I recognize your voice in my heart, You have spoken clearly to me too many times to miss it.
"That's where you are going" - When you showed me New Zealand Master's Commission
"This is the last thing I'm taking for awhile" - When after miscarriage, and Patrick getting out of the military and us moving in with my parents, and our dog Tristen dying, and then Prissy (also my dog) died and I felt as if my world had crumbled and I might not make it through. I didn't know how to stand anymore.
"Trust me" - When you spoke to my heart in my sleep and woke me up to tell me I was pregnant before even a test could confirm it. 
"It's a girl" - You told me shortly before I miscarried that baby and you began to work a new mind in Patrick.
"You are not alone." - When I labored for Esmarie and I cried out to you that I was overwhelmed and did not want to be alone for the labor and birth.
And just yesterday as I prayed about the great tiredness that had come over me, you said: "I am doing this for you." and my heart knew you were talking about the timing of the birth of our 5th child Kya. but still I don't know know that it means, not really anyway. I believe it means that you are answering my prayers for the birth of this child. That she will be born before her due date, that she will be smaller and that labor will have a clear start to it. And though I have not prayed it as often, I would like to have a seven or eight hour labor. My only other request is that you give me peace about the birth, I'm not scared of birth, but it is powerful and intimidating, so though this is the first time I've put it into words I would also love to have some peace about it and enjoy it.
I thank you Lord, for your goodness to me, and look forward to seeing how your words to me play out. You are trustworthy and your plans for me are good.
Love Samantha"

"5-19-18
Dear Heavenly Father,
...
I am trying to understand you, today and for the last two days I have been trying to understand what you meant when you told me 'I'm doing this for you.'  Mostly I've just been trying to predict labor though I really want to know if you meant that you were answering my prayers with a 'yes' and I would deliver early, and therefore have a smaller baby, or if you meant that whatever is going to happen will happen because you have better plans for me than what I have prayed for. Which ever it is, I trust you. You have always had my future in your hands, and my past proves that your plans are good.
I love you Lord! You are good.
Love Samantha
P.s. Whenever Kya is coming, please give me the time to have a peaceful relaxed and enjoyable birth. Thank you Lord, I give it all over to you."

"5-20-18
Dean Lord of all,
The book of Samuel 1 is very interesting, the stories are intriguing, I hope my children will enjoy them when we get that far in our bible reading.  I'm enjoying them in m personal reading.
Yesterday I had a feeling that I might go into labor, and I did not. My faith in you is strong, my faith in my interpretation of what you said to me is wavering. Could you please tell my heart what you meant when you said "I'm doing this for you." ? I'm impatient and I should not be. I have not even reached 38 weeks, though tomorrow marks that, I want Kya to be strong and healthy, ready to be breathing on her own, but I also want her to be a smaller baby than Micah and Esmarie. Maybe I'm being silly, they were both wonderful babies and Micah wasn't too big. Esmarie on the other hand was very big and it was difficult to carry her weight before she began to support herself.
All of this is to say I'm confused and could use some clarity. I'm also a bit nervous about going past my due date because I have carried each baby longer than the one before with the exception of Jaemi and Saera. Hug them for me please!
Jaemi would have been  5 nearly 6 now! and Saera would have been nearly 3. It seems crazy that so much time has passed and yet I don't feel the pain so much anymore so it seems like it should be longer. My children are 9,7,5,4,2,1 and one on the way, but you hold two of them for me.
Lord help me to keep you at the center of Kya's birth, to hold fast to your presence and to enjoy your presence and the birth together. Help the endorphins and oxytocin to do their jobs and bring about change in my body in a beautiful and enjoyable way. And help me to embrace it all bringing Kya Phoebe out into my arms with laughter and JOY.
...
Love Samantha
P.s Please keep me from a short labor this time. My head is raising with thoughts of what would happen if I was in town and had to drive myself home during a labor like Esmarie's.  You alone are in control and I believe you would not let that happen, but I thought I'd mention it."

"5-23-18
Dear Lord,
Thank you for the differences in this pregnancy. Thank you for answered prayers and for contractions that seem so different from my previous births. I feel like although I've been having contractions for a few days, they are so spaced and that I have no doubt about what my body is doing. Whereas in the past I often didn't know what was going on because the contractions were close together, some times even pretty strong and I just didn't know whether they would progress or just wear me out.
So the contractions that come every hour or two and now every 30 minutes or more seems like such a blessing and I can not be confused by this at all. So again thank you Lord. You are so good to me.
Thank you for the energy I know you are granting me to birth this child as well. I pray Lord that she will work with the process of birth and not fight it. That she will come smoothly and without concern. That she will breathe easily and pink up quickly. That this birth will be a time of celebration and enjoyment, that we can all laugh and have fun, and that among so many women, Patrick can have as much spotlight as he wants, and be a true hero to us all. That Sapphira will be able to quietly observe so that she doesn't annoy me with her questions. I was annoyed by her questions from a live birth video yesterday and it made me nervous to have her in my space.
Thank you Lord for being such a good father, for being a healer, redeemer, and friend.
Love Samantha"

"5-25-18
Dear Lord,
When will you give me birth of this baby? I know you have it perfectly orchestrated and that your plans are higher than min, but I'd really love for your plan to be today.  If not, ok. But Please!
You know my prayers. Smaller baby, no questions of when labor starts, 7-8 hours of labor. And I know you said "I'm doing this for you!" So I believe you are granting those requests. Please be granting those requests!
Please help me to be calm and just wait on you, and not get frustrated in the waiting. Thank you Lord.
Love Samantha"

"5-28-18
Dear Heavenly Father,
Jesus, you alone know what my future holds and when this baby will be born. but the closer the time comes for Patrick to go back to work the more I wonder about what your plan is. If he is on the other side of the city will he be here in time for the birth of this child?
On the other hand, I'm encouraged because though the contractions do not always stay around I've been having contractions every day for several days, and when they come oddly enough they are predictable in one manor. The day I went to help (friend), I think it was Tuesday, I had a few contractions for a little while that were forty minutes apart, and then they just stopped and went away. Then one day they were 20 minutes apart, and another day between 15 and 20 minutes, always staying for awhile and then  disappearing. Last night they were about 7-10 minutes apart, so they are getting closer and perhaps one of these days they will settle in to stay until she is born... I would be happy for that.
Today is memorial day, the day we set aside to honor fallen heroes and to remember the blood that was shed by those fighting for our freedom in America. I can't think of a better hero than you, dying willingly in a battle against sin, and liberating us from the power of sin and death through the sacrifice of your innocent life.
And so many young men have followed your example since that time, laying their lives down for the freedom of others. Thank you Lord for the men and women who have done so.
Love, Samantha"

"5-30-18
Dear Lord God,
Patrick returns to work today, and unless you plan for this child to be born before he leaves tonight then I can assume that every person who is to be a support to me during this birth will be 40-45 minutes away, and that I will be alone with the kids during all that time. My request is the same as it has always been, give me a clear start to labor, and make it last 7-8 hours. I really do not want to birth this baby alone, or to labor alone. I've welcomed more people to this birth than ever before, so I just ask that you please allow them to be here for me while I labor.
Only you know the day Kya will be born, and though I would really like to know, that has not been allotted for me to know, so I am trusting you to work out the details. Just like you worked out the details concerning my van and getting Micah and i safely home before it broke down, and the cost of the extra miles for the tow truck, I also trust you will work out the details for the cost of the repair, and the process of picking it up, as well as the details of the birth of Kya.
...
Love, Samantha"

"5-31-18
Dear Lord,
Patrick could not get a hold of me last night so on his lunch break he drove all the way home to check on me, I feel embarrassed that he went to all that trouble when I was just sitting on the couch as he opened the door, but also blessed that he would come when he worried about me enough to come home, a 45 minute drive one way, during his hour long lunch break and be late getting back to work.
Now if only I could be in labor today, tomorrow, or just very soon. I know I heard your voice, when you said you were 'doing this for me', but I'm still wondering what you were doing... answering my prayers in the way I've hoped, or in a different way entirely? You alone know, and I will wait on you.
My midwife and her apprentice will be here soon for my prenatal appointment, I just actually don't want to think about pregnancy anymore, and yet it is the only thing I think of.
My tiny crochet group at church made me feel so blessed! They showered me last night with gifts, it wasn't planned, they just did it. And I love them for it. (J) made Kya a lamb lovey, (P) gave me a box of wet wipes, and (T) gave me a little dress with a jacket that she had her sister crochet. It is so precious!  I'm so blessed!
Kya is going to be blessed by these women, just to know them! I'm making my own tribe, and it is beautiful, I tried to make friends at church before, but it always felt forced, so I'm very happy to have found a group of women who I can be myself with and just talk to them. Thank you for bringing them into my life.
Love Samantha"

"6-2-18
Dear Lord,
Thank you for the time I had with (B) yesterday. It was nice to talk with her and get to know her better. I do wish that things had progressed into labor last night though. I know your plans are good and you are working out perfect miracles for me. You are certainly caring for your child and doing what is best for your creation. So I just pray that you give me peace and understanding and the ability to wait this all out and do what needs doing while I wait. You are good!
Establish yourself in me and your will in my life.
Thank you Lord for your blessings.
Samantha"

"6-3-18
Dear Lord Jesus,
...
Yesterday was a highly productive day. (B) came over after Patrick went to work and helped me clean up the house. We got the living room fully cleaned she even mopped the floor. in there. We got my bedroom cleaned, at least my parts are clean.  We got the bathroom clean, except for the shower and tub, but those were cleaned not long ago so it is done enough.
(B) predicted that I probably have a long ways to go before this baby is born, but I am still believing she will be born before her due date, which is tomorrow so.....
If you are going to answer that prayer, today is the day. If however you choose not to bring me into labor I still choose to trust that you know what you are doing.
Today can be a birthday, or it can be church, VBS, and connect group, whatever you lead me to I will accept. And joyfully so.
Thank you for today, thank you that I have plans with people who make me feel loved and safe even though I could go into labor far from home, with the kids in tow. Thank you that the kids can have something fun to do today, even though I am so close to delivering this child. Thank you for giving them the activities and fun things going on even though they are so close to welcoming a new sister to our family.
Thank you for this child. And thank you for (B) and all the help she was yesterday and the day before. She never needed to do that, and yet she did, and on her daughter's birthday no less.  I can't even thank her enough!
Samantha"

"6-4-18
Dear Lord,
At least one of my prayers is answered, and the answer is no... I'm not going to sulk about it, even though the day I prayed would be Kya's birthday became (J)'s birthday. I'm happy for (E), but frustrated too. Are you indeed intending to answer any of my prayers for Kya's birth? Will you give me a smaller baby? Will you give me a clear labor start that lasts 7-8 hours: Will it be a time of bonding with my birth team?
I really feel as if my hope is entirely in your hands and that you won't fail me, but I am also disappointed in the things that have been happening lately. Our church has recognized another pregnant woman from the pulpit twice. Meanwhile I am pregnant too, and there is only four days between our due dates. Makes me feel sad. I know it isn't that I am loved less, it just feels that way. And today in general sucks because it is my due date and you decided to leave me pregnant longer. I'm just emotional, I know you have better plans, and perhaps I just need to vent and cry a bit and I will feel better.
Love,
Samantha"

"6-5-18
Dear Lord,
...
Thank you Lord for Kya Phoebe, I pray that you are making her strong and holding her safe for her perfect birthday whenever that is. I'm officially past my due date, which I know means nothing, but I'm trying to adopt the attitude that she is perfectly fine where she is and can stay there just as long as she needs to and I'm not going to dwell on any day being her birthday because when that day passes into the one after it, my emotions can not handle it.
It is all in your hands, and you will be in control of it all and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I may however need to stay off Facebook until Kya is born though because I just can't look at pictures of other women's babies right now. With that said I do pray they are doing well, that the babies are growing and the mom's healing. That their births were amazing and filled with your presence.
Love, Samantha
p.s. I will praise you in this storm, I will lift my hands, you are who you are, no matter where I am."

"6-7-18
Dear Lord,
Contractions started very lightly at 2 am, but I've spent most of the night since 1:30 am awake. At first they were 5 minutes apart but hardly noticeable, then they spaced out to 10 ,minutes and got more intense but they have stayed that way for several hours so I don't know if I'll be calling anyone out here. Patrick even went to work this morning, but he calls me every half hour or so.
There is a thunderstorm going on outside but it is only just starting and not supposed to last long, so I doubt it will have much chance of making labor stronger.
I believe you have it figured out though. Even if I don't have a clue. I do pray that you help me to figure it out though because we are supposed to go to (R)'s house today to let the kids swim, and since the weather should only be bad a little longer there isn't much reason not to take them.
...
Love, Samantha"

"6-9-18
Dear Lord Jesus,
I read Esmarie's birth story today and it amazes me just how present you were for the whole thing, and yet it wasn't my favorite birth. I should give you more glory for that experience. I truly love what you have done to bring her into my arms. Actually her entire story to this moment is worthy of praising you for. She is such a beautiful child, even though she is trying me lately, I know this is just a part of her character development.
Lord I know you have plans for Kya's birth, I'm asking you to please bring them to fruition today. There is nothing special about this day, it is just a day, but Lord, I am ready to have this child now. I'm still asking for a 7-8 hour labor, but I'm asking for it today. My despair yesterday has turned to motivation today, and I am ready to turn that into a productive labor.
As in Esmarie's birth day I draw your attention to Psalm 40:17 "As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer. do not delay, o my God."
You are my deliverer, do not delay another day. Bring my body into a calm and effective clearly started labor.
Thank you Lord, Amen,
Samantha"

"6-10-18
Dear Lord,
Every day is becoming a struggle to believe your words to me. After all weren't they spoken 3-4 weeks ago and now here I sit, one day less than a week after my so called due date, still pregnant and not only pregnant but with this child higher in my pelvis than she has been in a long time, leading me to believe she really has no chance at birth today.
It has been a full week since the day I prayed would be Kya's birthday and is now someone else's birthday.I'm about to go to church and hear a bunch of people either joke about when my child will be born or sympathize with me about the duration of this pregnancy and ask me 'how much longer until they induce?' Which is socially and culturally acceptable nonsense and only frustrates me more for the lack of understanding that this duration is what is best for my baby, regardless of how I feel about it.
Though I am anxious to hold my daughter and eager to see her face, and I am not excited to still be pregnant, however I do not want to endanger her to get her out... nor do I wish to increase my personal risk of injury by forcing her birth based on a square on a calendar. I do need you to walk with me today though because I just don't have the attitude needed to handle people today.
Help me not to be sullen about the long lasting wait for the birth of this child.
Thank you Lord,
Samantha"

"6-11-18
Dear Lord,
I don't know whether I want to take the kids to their activities today or not. I dealt with all the people and all the questions as much as possible in friendly and gentle ways yesterday, and then I came home and freaked out on Patrick and cried like I have not cried in a long time. And today is probably going to be just as exhausting mentally if I do all the things. Yet, if I don't then everyone will want to know if I had the baby and text and Facebook message me and bug me anyway.
I'm a week past my due date today. Looks like Esmarie's birth won't be my longest pregnancy anymore. I mean unless you do something before tomorrow morning. I know you are doing what is needed though, so I wait on you.
Yesterday during church a woman spoke out in tongues and a man interpreted it, the message always seems to be the same. Wait on you, you love us... come to you and you will give us rest... all the things I know you would say.  Yesterday seemed biblical and in line with scripture, and yet I wonder why I never feel personally touched by these outbursts.  Perhaps because you speak to me directly I don't need to hear your voice in this way?  I just don't know.. And I almost always pray that you will speak to my hearth through those words, but walk away feeling like I could have gotten that message by reading my bible and didn't need to hear it spoken aloud by an unplanned outburst from someone among the crowd. I hope that those outbursts do actually minister to the hearts of some in the congregation.
Love,
Samantha"

"6-12-18
Dear Lord,
Will this child EVER come out? I know she will, but I doubt it at the same time. Yesterday I looked back at my fertility chart and figured out that Sapphira was not 4 days early, she was 3 days late, and I know she would have been later if not for doctor's and midwives who pushed me to have her. So this pattern of going later with each pregnancy is not true, and I have always thought Sapphira would have happily stayed put another two weeks if she had been allowed to do so. And that knowledge makes me actually feel better. Now I know that sometime after 40 weeks is totally normal for my body and that Esmarie and Kya waiting this long are just fine to do so. Though I've been ready for my baby and I feel as if you don't want to answer my prayers but ignore them right now. Still I will praise you. Still I will trust you, because you are good, and I am your creation.
Help me to get the house picked up and ready for my appointment today at 3. I am embarrassed at how bad it has gotten since (B) came to help me out. I need to keep myself going and get it taken care of. The kitchen will be my first goal to tackle and hopefully I can really get it taken care of and move on to my bedroom. The kids have been helping with the dinning room and living room so I am not too worried about them. I know I can do it, and I'm sure you will guide me and help me to achieve it.
Thank you Lord,
Samantha"

"6-13-18
Dear Lord,
All night contractions, they were five minutes apart but slipped to much longer and I woke up with them at 10 minutes apart. But all of them except the one I had just a bit ago were like the ones I have had off and on for weeks. no strength to them.
Today would be a good date for our little blessing to be born though, exactly one month after my birthday would make the numbers memorable and please Lord don't let (E)'s latest prediction be right. The 18th! Oh please Lord no! I'm so exhausted from such light sleep last night and the night before I pray you will deliver me of this child in my womb. At least then the muscle work out would be over, obviously I'd then be caring for a newborn but that I can handle.
I just want to sleep all day and wake up with  a baby  in my arms.  How ridiculous is that? and I would love for these contractions to really mean something and not just be going on and on forever.
Love,
Samantha"

"6-21-18
Dear Lord,
Thank you for an amazing birth!  June 14th at 3 am I called (G), and told her it was baby time. After texting the group both (B) and (M) woke up to my text so I didn't have to call them. I did call (T) but as I suspected she was unable to come because she was babysitting her nephews. I woke Patrick up to tell him it was time to have a baby. At first I could hum through the contractions and it was working great to relax me, by the time (B) arrived I could not hum any more, but was trying to sing along with the playlist I had created on YouTube for Kya's birth.
(B) gave me a contraction timer on her phone and began to set up the birth pool with Patrick. When I had a contraction she would rub my back, she didn't get much time to work on the pool. (M) came next and I had her take over for (B). The pool never did get set up. They ended up discovering the hose was leaking, but even in the best of circumstances they wouldn't have gotten it filled before Kya's birth.
(G) showed up next. I was sitting on the birth ball and leaning on the bed and trying so hard to sing through the contractions. It mostly was not working. A song came on that just annoyed me and I made (M) skip it, then another came on that just felt amazing, like it melted my soul and made everything fluid. I told her to keep that one going and ignore the rest of the play list.
(M) continued to rub my back, (G) felt out of place so she rubbed (M)'s back, (B) and Patrick continued to set up the birth pool.  I had them stop when I realized my body had begun to push a little with each contraction.  At this point I asked them to clear off the bed so I could climb up on it, I did, almost shocked by my ability to move, and talk during this part of labor (my last two home births I couldn't do much of anything at this point).  I was on my knees with my hands on the foot board and this is when my mood just went haywire. I was happy and annoyed, and even cried for a minute. I told everyone I was uncomfortable and how I didn't want to do this anymore, or rather how I understood how other women tried to escape it.  I laid down and got right back up. I thought I could sleep, nope. Someone suggested that I lean on Patrick instead of the foot board, this sounded wonderful but I was no longer able to move.  Just before this my water had broke and actually sprayed forward drenching the place I had wanted to put my hands to support myself. I tried to tell them how wet it was up there, but they didn't understand until later when they could see it.
Patrick moved over to where I could lean on him and that amazing peace of being held by someone you love washed over me. The panic I was starting to feel was gone. much like when the song I was enjoying played I felt my body relax again. By the way, the song is a newer version of "it is well with my soul".
The pushing sensation began to escalate and Kya's head emerged, but not fully.  Later (G) told me that she came out with her head presenting the top instead of the back and then stopped at her mouth. So during this time I was utterly confused as to what part of her I had birthed, the burning sensation just didn't end like it did in other births.
Another contraction and I pushed the rest of her head out, then her shoulders came, I remember they did not come out like Micah's with several pushes, or like Esmarie's since she was a little wedged in, but it was two pushes very close to one another. It took me a moment to recover, I relaxed on Patrick's shoulders and relaxed my body, thinking all the while how I would be picking up my baby, but I just couldn't yet.  After gathering myself I did pick her up, thinking how wonderful it was to have been given this moment to relax and prepare myself to see Kya and greet her in my own way instead of being rushed or shouted at, or told what to do, or anything else. I'm so thankful to (G) for having that policy.
Kya Phoebe was born at 4:34 am on June 14th 2018. She weighed 8lbs even, and was 20 inches long.
I prayed I would know when labor was real, and you answered. I prayed this birth would be fun and my whole team would be there and you answered. I prayed for 7-8 hours of labor and you showed me I could enjoy a 2 hour labor.
Thank you,
Samantha"

Prodomal Labor sucks

If you have never experienced labor that doesn't do much of anything, let me tell you it isn't that fun.

This is my fifth full term pregnancy, I past my due date a few days ago, I don't have any experience with having a late baby without prodomal labor, so I can't say much for the mental state of a woman with labor that is clearly defined at the time of her babies arrival but no labor leading up to it...
What I can say is that having several different days where you feel like 'this could be it' but then second guessing EVERYTHING isn't really that great for your mental state.
Before you ask, I'm ok.  I'm not happy about it, but I'm ok.  Two days ago I had some contractions that seemed to be getting stronger for awhile, and then they went away after about 6 hours or so, I'm really not counting the time, I just know it was long enough to make you take notice ok.... I know that within 12 hours of waking up everything that had progressively gotten stronger was then gone, but that is a whole lot of progress and change in between that I'm not going to get into the details of, so we'll just stick with 6 hours. 
After six hours I took a nap and it all went away, even the back pain I was experiencing went away.. so that was nice.  However, facing ANYONE after all that labor is just not fun.  People look at you with a sad sympathetic look on their faces and repeat over and over how it could be 'any time now' and or they ask you how you are doing... to which you really have no answer.  Do you really want to be in labor?  Do you want to acknowledge the child inside of you who refuses to come out?  Do you feel good on the inside and miserable on the outside, or vise-versa...? 
I don't even know how I feel, let alone to express that feeling... who really knows how they feel at 40 weeks plus a bit?  ready?  Not ready at all? 
Today is 40 weeks and 5 days.  Esmarie was my longest pregnancy so far, at 41 weeks 1 day, I'm not really looking forward to passing that date, but it seems that's the way this is headed... all the prodomal labor hasn't really gotten me too far... at least not that I know of since I'm not checking nor is anyone else checking my cervix. 
I will say it is Saturday, and that gives me a little hope... I know that is ridiculous, but Caeden was born Sunday morning after a Saturday labor, Micah was born Sunday morning after a Saturday labor, and Esmarie was born on a Saturday morning after a very short labor.  Sapphira was born on a Friday morning after a forced labor on a Thursday and a c-section early Friday morning, not sure that counts though.
Yesterday I was a mess, I felt depressed and lonely yet didn't want to be around anyone... I crocheted the whole day.  The little flower baby thing I made turned out cute, still have to give it some eyes, but it's finished otherwise.  And the kids cleaned up the living room and dinning room... so it wasn't a completely wasted day, even if I did just sit on the couch the majority of it. 
Today I feel a bit more optimistic, and no not just because it is Saturday, more so because I just can't stay mad at the baby inside of me who refuses to come out of my womb and into my arms... though I have not seen her yet, I know she is going to be adorable (the proof is in the pudding, two good looking parents and four other adorable kids... you can't get ugly from that!).  I know she is going to come at God's perfect time for her!  When....?  I don't know that... and that bothers me, but God spoke to my heart a few weeks back, he said he was "doing this for me"... I don't know what that means, but it can't be to harm me.. I'm sure of that.  He is a good God.  I trust him fully to figure out the perfect time and way for this baby to be born.

Mother's Day

Patrick works an odd schedule, nights for 6 days, days for 6 days, and then off for 6 days.  This week he is working nights, which is a bummer because he misses some of the things that are typically important... Mother's Day, and my birthday... which also happen to fall on the same day this year.
I was gearing up to just forget the day as much as possible.. I mean I'm turning 34, and my oldest child is only 9, so it is either celebrate yourself and feel silly, or forget about it because your kids are not old enough to do the planning for you.  I can't say it didn't bother me, it really did, but I felt foolish for being bothered by it.  So I just didn't talk to anyone about it much.
When people asked (and only a few did so it worked out alright) I would just say bluntly, honestly and without much emotion that I had no plans and that we'd probably just do church, which I was serving in the nursery for, and then eat something on the way home and just chill out there for the rest of the day.  Nothing too exciting.
BUT yesterday my husband surprised me.  He asked me if I wanted to celebrate my birthday on Wednesday since he would be off that night in preparation for switching to his day shift, and it honestly melted my heart that he had even thought about it at all.  This may not be a big deal really, and it isn't, but to me it meant a lot.  Patrick does not plan things.  As an example we decided a few years ago to switch off whose family we would see each year, last year was my family, so this year it is his family... BUT I keep asking him when he wants to go and he doesn't answer, he doesn't really switch the subject, but he never answers.. I think he is incapable, I say, you say the month and I'll make all the arrangements and he says "ok" and then we never get anywhere on the issue... So when my husband had picked a day, suggested a plan (eating at a restaurant) and asked me my opinion it was kind of shocking, and a lot appreciated. I was prepared (and happy) to let that be the plan and go with it, still forgetting as much as possible about the whole mother's day/birthday on Sunday thing.
I was riding on cloud nine just thinking about how he'd remembered my birthday at all... and I told him how much it meant to me, talked to my mom and a few other people about how I was so impressed and happy about the situation, just in general felt GOOD to be remembered.  And then this morning he came home and didn't come straight to the bedroom, I figured he was greeting the kids or something, I'm not normally awake when he comes in on his night shift (I don't sleep well when he isn't here, and the kids all know how to get their morning chores done and make their own breakfast so it doesn't really matter if i'm up at 7:30am or 8:00am. But I was actually up, and half dressed because Esmarie had taken her diaper off and was walking around diaperless at 7:20.  I spotted a pair of Micah's pants that were nice and thought he might need them for church so I called him over to give him the pants.  When he came he looked excited (still wasn't thinking much about Patrick not coming straight to the bedroom like he usually does) Micah starts stammering about 'we got' or 'there's something' and it hits me that Patrick has done something for me, though I still don't know what... and I don't want to foil his surprise, so when Sapphira walks up to Micah and says "Don't Tell Micah", I simply tell him to go take care of the pants, no longer caring that they are nicer than the ones he's wearing, but just trying to get him to not say what he's trying to say and move on.  I walk away closing the bedroom door behind me and thinking about the fact that I'm half dressed, and need to finish getting dressed, but any moment I can expect my children to walk in with my husband and whatever they have planned....
Quickly I grab the rest of my clothes and go to the bathroom to put them on so that they don't walk in and find me in my underwear or worse...After changing I come into the bedroom and there, holding a chocolate cake is my husband, still in his work uniform, my daughter holding some beautiful blue dyed Orchids, and my two boys, Esmarie is somewhere behind them getting into things and oblivious to whats happening, but still present.  They sing happy birthday to me and  I cried. 
Church was ok, I held a crying toddler for the whole service, she eventually fell asleep, I think she finally trusted me enough to relax. Then we got our picture taken at the photo booth they had set up, someone asked where Patrick was and I had to explain that he was working nights this week so he wasn't there.  Two people found out it was my birthday, and everyone wished me a happy mother's day... it was generally a good time.. but not many people even knew it was my birthday and it always feels so weird to explain that mother's day isn't JUST mother's day for me, so I didn't tell them.
We went out to get lunch at a family restaurant, and then came home... I generally just decided not to do anything responsible, cause it's my birthday, and just enjoyed being lazy, took a nap, and made dinner and avoided anything else that might have been done.
But I'm still riding the waves of joy from the beautiful thoughtfulness of my husband... who as I said, is not a planner, and went above and beyond anything I expected.  Oh and he also got me chocolate... so my candy jar is full again.. Even the boring birthdays are great birthdays when you are not forgotten.
But this has all made me think more about how I feel about mother's day. 
In general I love the holiday, the idea of celebrating moms for the work they do, it is absolutely amazing.  I'm glad we have a holiday for that.  There are mother's who have birthed babies, mother's who have adopted babies, mother's who have carried and lost babies before ever meeting them, the walk is different for all of us, and sometimes you come across a childless woman who whether by choice or circumstance never had a child, but she is the most motherly person you'll ever meet (we've got one at our church), and all of them need to be celebrated.  Mothering is a tough job!  I do not include all women in this holiday, because before becoming a mother I do not think I needed to be celebrated on mother's day for being a woman capable of having children, it is not even remotely the same as being a mother. 
But I have ALWAYS had a rivalry for mother's day.  First I was born on Mother's Day, the actual day.  My mom always said she had missed getting a rose on her first mother's day so when she was pregnant with me she was excited to go to the church service where she knew she would be given a rose... and instead she ended up in labor with me, a sunnyside up giant baby, and no one from the church thought to bring her the rose she had wanted so badly... so I guess it started the year I was born. 
As I grew up my mom and her sister and my grandma started to plan mushroom hunting trips in the spring, it became a regular and traditional trip, however the mushrooms in Michigan are always in their peak season the weekend of Mother's Day... which was always the weekend of my birthday celebration... which meant that mom was often gone around my birthday, sometimes on my birthday, and I never felt forgotten, I think mom always made a point to make sure she was there for my actual birthday, but I do remember one year she actually asked me how I felt about her leaving because my birthday was actually during the time they had planned the trip.  She did a great job of making me feel special... but the world didn't.  No one knows it is your birthday when Mother's Day comes around.  No one cares or thinks about birthdays when Mother's Day is around.  Every mother that walks into a restaurant, or public place is greeted with a smile and a "Happy Mother's Day", but the little girl celebrating her birthday is just a weird aside from the real special day...
And so my weird issue with mother's day just grew... I don't hate it, I love it, but I don't like my birthday to be so close to it.
Now I thought I'd dealt with that as a mom, but this is only the second mother's day I've had as a mother that actually shared my birthday... the last one was in 2012.  So I guess I realized today that I feel weird still about this odd holiday. 
I don't call anyone but my own mother for Mother's Day... I don't text anyone either, especially when it is the same day as my birthday.  If anyone texts/calls/leaves me a Facebook message with a 'happy birthday' I reply "happy mother's day to you!  But I don't think I've ever, until this year, publicly said Happy Mother's Day on social media.. maybe I have, but I don't remember.  It just feels weird, on your birthday to wish everyone else a happy day.... it shouldn't because it is actually a beautiful thing... but it does.
But this year I thought about all the moms I've served as a doula, all the moms that I've learned from, all the moms that I've walked this road with, all the moms that I've observed from afar, all the moms that pour their hearts out every day, in happiness, sadness, weariness, bittersweet moments, harsh realities, and every other situation... and I'm truly blessed... so VERY BLESSED to know so many women who mother so well... and who are not afraid to be real about it.  Motherhood is a hard journey... and I shouldn't feel weird sharing this day with so many amazing women... yeah it takes some of my spot light (not that I am prone to asking for a spot light) but it also is just amazing to know that these women should be celebrated too... regardless of what day their holiday falls on.