I have to be the slowest person on the planet to show when I'm pregnant. I am only 12 weeks right now and don't expect my belly to advertise to the world for me yet, but seriously I guess I just have a bunch of space for these little babies to grow inside where they can surprise the world with their appearance.
The good news is that I am thin enough that when I get that baby belly you can tell it is a baby belly and not just fat... I guess if my cycles were irregular and I didn't suffer from nausea so badly I could reasonably say I had no idea I was pregnant until 6 maybe even 7 months along though! Knowing this about myself really makes me more sympathetic to the women who don't know they are having a baby until they go into labor... My gosh wouldn't that be an incredible day? You'd probably think you were dying, and then just when you decide it is all over and your life was fun while it lasted you find out you are having a baby... wait, now your life is over... or is it? I mean as a mother of some amazing kids I say NO it isn't over, but can you imagine:?? A single woman, not knowing until hours or even minutes before becoming a mom.... CRAZY!
I had a literally amazing day today.. mostly the first half of it was amazing, the second half I was living off from the excitement of the first half... here is how it went...(of course I'd have to start at last night) P came home and decided he needed to finish some college work so that he could receive credit for it before midnight... that is seriously some last minute work there! (He can be excused though, at least by me, it was after all our anniversary weekend and he had a lot going on with our family and events in our lives this week) Anyway before he went to work he said "I'm going to try to be in bed by midnight." exact quote ok. And of course getting home at 11:35 and proceeding to take an on-line quiz put us right at midnight, and I'm thinking "yes, bedtime before 1am!" but then he turns on Bones... we watch at least one episode a night, usually two.. he likes to relax a bit after coming home from work. I get it, but there goes bedtime. When I ask him about it he says "what I meant was after one show." uhuh... sure....lol.
One show finished and I say "bedtime?" and he says "I'm not tired yet." I say "Ok, good night then." I don't sleep well without him and at least like to see him when he gets home from work so that is the reason I stayed up at all... but I'm one tired preggo.... so off to bed I go.
Of course we'd end up in a stupid argument before going to sleep and not finally climb into bed until 1:15am anyway... so much for getting to bed early! LOL... so come morning, I didn't even so much as stir until 7am when P rolls over wakes me up.. I stumbled to the door thinking our daughter was crying and stumble back realizing she wasn't... asleep again in 15 minutes... just long enough to tell P about my stupid dream. and again I didn't crack my eyes open until 10am!!!! WHAT! I feel guilty that our days don't usually start until 9-9:30am but not even waking up until 10 is totally not cool!
Then is hits me... I don't feel sick. I feel normal. No acid, no nausea, no light-headed feeling... totally good! I'd say I was feeling about 80% this morning, which is amazing considering most other mornings I wake up at 40% and it falls to 25% by the time I go to bed at night.
So I cautiously get up thinking surely it will hit soon. I use the bathroom cautiously because just the act of sitting on the toilet makes me feel like hurling most days, and still nothing. I hear P getting F ready for the day in her bedroom, and I'm thankful for his help. Then I head to C's room which is a DISASTER... he only has books and clothes and stuffed animals and yet the room is so easily torn up.. so I tell him we'd better pick up quick so he can have breakfast. He picks up the stuffed animals and piles his clothes (his basket has gone missing) and I take all the books off the shelf and put them back on the way they are meant to go (a four year old just has no concept of putting books on the shelf properly). And we finish and I cautiously stand, still no nausea.... weird.
Downstairs F is eating, C is starting to eat, P is cooking me eggs and bacon and frying bread in the frying pan because he says the toaster is too slow... I still feel good. I eat, I feel good, even though it took twice as long as it would before pregnancy to eat the small but delicious breakfast.
Then I did something AMAZING... yes laugh if you must, but I went back upstairs and cleaned the kids/guest bathroom. I'm talking washed the mirrors, the shelf above the sink, (even the inside of the medicine cabinet), the sink, the cupboard below the sink (where all the tooth paste is collecting), the toilet, swept the floor, took out the trash, and then MOPPED the floor... and STILL felt good... a little more tired, but good!
Then I went down stairs to talk to P about a misunderstanding between him and C, and that is when I realized that I was not done. I mean honestly I never am, but I still had something in mind to do that I felt I could tackle. The playroom. I sat on the floor and organized all those bins or toys, threw out the trash that had collected there from C making dragons out of paper, toilet rolls, string.. you name it the kid can make a dragon out of it and then he doesn't want to throw it away... so I did. Then I washed the table in there, vacuumed the floor, and set the train back up so he could use it again... and STILL felt good.. Although now I can honestly say I was back down to about 55% at this point.
I laid down on the couch feeling winded but happy with myself. and then I got the greatest reward... Baby D started moving around.. it didn't last long but it was absolutely baby moving around.. I love it!
So why do you ask are my kids lucky? I don't know honestly, I mean they do have tons of blessings, and a mom and dad who love them and buy ridiculous amounts of toys for them, and chose the pinewood derby over an anniversary get away, BUT my kids are lucky because while I was laying on the couch just before bedtime (this is MUCH after my cleaning spree this morning) C says in a sing songy voice "we are the luckiest kids in the world, we are C and F and we are the luckiest kids in the world." and when I tell them ten minutes later that it is bedtime they walk together up the stairs C's hand on F's shoulder and he says sweetly to her "Don't worry F we are still the luckiest kids in the world."
Mommy and Me
Sharing life with you is fullfilling
Monday, April 15, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Am I over it?
*** Another old post that is going out of order completely, but I really don't like to not share what I intended to share.
"F is nearly two years old, currently crying about having been shut in her room for a nap... even though she is free to wander now. She is an amazing little girl, and I love her to pieces... We've worked through so much together. Eczema, speech delays, a late start to walking... but she is brilliant, has an amazing smile that lights up her whole face, and a very contagious laugh. She is compassionate, and emotional, and she is beautiful through and through.
Mommy is having a very hard time getting used to the idea that F is going to be 2 though. I want to cry about it nearly every day. I feel like I'm beginning to really dig into my feelings over her birth, and the trauma of the event. Partly because I want another baby so badly.
We lost Jaemi back in January, and it was so very hard to deal with last month as we passed the due date of that precious little baby now resting in the arms of Jesus! So where do I go now?
I guess I'll start with the changes that we've survived. 1st, we moved across the country back in March, then we stayed 6 months in my parents house, and then less than two months ago we moved again. P has a great job working in the same field he worked in for the US Navy, and seems to doing well there... it is great to have him doing well in his field.
As we passed Jaemi's dues date I was moving into our new house, painting four rooms four different colors, and attempting to put our family back into the routine I loved once upon a time. I did great, well at least as far as anyone else would know. Really, in the quiet of my bedroom where only P and I knew about it, I grieved the tiny toes I never got to kiss, the fingers I never had wrapped around mine, and the little wiggles that a new born baby does when you are trying your hardest to get them dressed and they don't know how to co-operate with you. I was longing for the tugging feeling of a nursing infant, and the tiny fingers that dig little nails into your skin right under your arm while nursing. I cried, I pleaded with P for another baby, and I desperately hoped each time that we had sex that he would choose not to use whatever form of prevention he decided on.
With all this longing for a baby I realize two things... 1. I'm not over it. and 2. I'm not over it.
1. I'm not over Jaemi's lost life. I don't feel I need to explain this after all the last paragraph went over that pretty well.
2. I'm not over F's birth. The more I think about having another baby the more I think about the birth of said baby. After having a c-section most doctors will not support me in wanting a VBAC. After fighting with my midwife for a natural birth, I don't want to fight anyone for anything... I would rather get a midwife with experience in home birth for a VBAC. I'm pretty sick of being told by someone else what my body is capable of doing. The problem is we just moved out to timbucktoo, and there are not many options here. I found one midwife, and spoke to her, I'm confident that she would do a good job at a birth, but was not confident in her ability to handle an emergency given the things she says she brings with her to a birth. This breaks my heart, because the options are so very slim... I'd much rather interview the three midwives in this area and love all of them and be faced with the problem of which one to choose.
I also don't want to admit it, but I'm scared that something bad will happen, like uterine rupture, and who ever is supposed to be caring for me wont be able to do anything about it, and we are too far from a hospital able to care for that kind of emergency... but I don't want fear to lead my decisions... I think either a home birth, or a hospital birth would be decided on out of fear though.
If I chose to have a home birth it would be because I 1. want to have a natural birth to show even myself that God created this body of mine for the safe delivery of babies vaginally as I know it was. and 2. I'm scared of Doctors overwhelming me and discrediting my wonderful God created body and forcing interventions I don't feel are necessary on me, and then ending with a c-section.
If I choose to have a hospital birth it would be the fear of the unknown guiding my decisions, the 'what if my uterus was stitched wrong and it explodes during birth?'....
yeah.. I guess no matter what I think about having another baby, I still have a lot to work through before I could actually birth one."
***This was another of a few posts that I wrote awhile ago and didn't post because for some reason when I edit them occasionally the whole post disappears and I only recently figured out how to amend the problem. I have since worked through these fears, both those of home birth and those of hospital birth, and feel very confident that this baby we are now expecting is going to have a good birth. But again, when I write these things they are meant to be published and I feel weird not publishing them when I realize they are still here, just waiting for a reader.
"F is nearly two years old, currently crying about having been shut in her room for a nap... even though she is free to wander now. She is an amazing little girl, and I love her to pieces... We've worked through so much together. Eczema, speech delays, a late start to walking... but she is brilliant, has an amazing smile that lights up her whole face, and a very contagious laugh. She is compassionate, and emotional, and she is beautiful through and through.
Mommy is having a very hard time getting used to the idea that F is going to be 2 though. I want to cry about it nearly every day. I feel like I'm beginning to really dig into my feelings over her birth, and the trauma of the event. Partly because I want another baby so badly.
We lost Jaemi back in January, and it was so very hard to deal with last month as we passed the due date of that precious little baby now resting in the arms of Jesus! So where do I go now?
I guess I'll start with the changes that we've survived. 1st, we moved across the country back in March, then we stayed 6 months in my parents house, and then less than two months ago we moved again. P has a great job working in the same field he worked in for the US Navy, and seems to doing well there... it is great to have him doing well in his field.
As we passed Jaemi's dues date I was moving into our new house, painting four rooms four different colors, and attempting to put our family back into the routine I loved once upon a time. I did great, well at least as far as anyone else would know. Really, in the quiet of my bedroom where only P and I knew about it, I grieved the tiny toes I never got to kiss, the fingers I never had wrapped around mine, and the little wiggles that a new born baby does when you are trying your hardest to get them dressed and they don't know how to co-operate with you. I was longing for the tugging feeling of a nursing infant, and the tiny fingers that dig little nails into your skin right under your arm while nursing. I cried, I pleaded with P for another baby, and I desperately hoped each time that we had sex that he would choose not to use whatever form of prevention he decided on.
With all this longing for a baby I realize two things... 1. I'm not over it. and 2. I'm not over it.
1. I'm not over Jaemi's lost life. I don't feel I need to explain this after all the last paragraph went over that pretty well.
2. I'm not over F's birth. The more I think about having another baby the more I think about the birth of said baby. After having a c-section most doctors will not support me in wanting a VBAC. After fighting with my midwife for a natural birth, I don't want to fight anyone for anything... I would rather get a midwife with experience in home birth for a VBAC. I'm pretty sick of being told by someone else what my body is capable of doing. The problem is we just moved out to timbucktoo, and there are not many options here. I found one midwife, and spoke to her, I'm confident that she would do a good job at a birth, but was not confident in her ability to handle an emergency given the things she says she brings with her to a birth. This breaks my heart, because the options are so very slim... I'd much rather interview the three midwives in this area and love all of them and be faced with the problem of which one to choose.
I also don't want to admit it, but I'm scared that something bad will happen, like uterine rupture, and who ever is supposed to be caring for me wont be able to do anything about it, and we are too far from a hospital able to care for that kind of emergency... but I don't want fear to lead my decisions... I think either a home birth, or a hospital birth would be decided on out of fear though.
If I chose to have a home birth it would be because I 1. want to have a natural birth to show even myself that God created this body of mine for the safe delivery of babies vaginally as I know it was. and 2. I'm scared of Doctors overwhelming me and discrediting my wonderful God created body and forcing interventions I don't feel are necessary on me, and then ending with a c-section.
If I choose to have a hospital birth it would be the fear of the unknown guiding my decisions, the 'what if my uterus was stitched wrong and it explodes during birth?'....
yeah.. I guess no matter what I think about having another baby, I still have a lot to work through before I could actually birth one."
***This was another of a few posts that I wrote awhile ago and didn't post because for some reason when I edit them occasionally the whole post disappears and I only recently figured out how to amend the problem. I have since worked through these fears, both those of home birth and those of hospital birth, and feel very confident that this baby we are now expecting is going to have a good birth. But again, when I write these things they are meant to be published and I feel weird not publishing them when I realize they are still here, just waiting for a reader.
11 weeks pregnant
I have been feeling like I should probably update on my pregnancy here, but I haven't really got a whole lot to say to be honest. This baby is doing just as good a job kicking my butt as their big brother and sister did. It must be a sign of a healthy pregnancy if I get morning sickness, as I didn't get more than a tiny bit nauseated ONE day during my miscarriage of Jaemi.
I did however get THREE glorious days of feeling good, just a bit tired, and to be honest I wasn't feeling 100%, but maybe more like 55-60%, it just felt so good to be at even that level of feeling good that I will just take it! However today and yesterday have not been so nice to me.
I look forward to the time when I can update this journal with the news that it has been WEEKS not just DAYS since I've puked. Especially after doing so eight times yesterday, and once today.
I think I may also be coming down with something, I only hope it is short lived and that it doesn't effect me much. Right now I have a sore throat and the glands at the back of my neck are stiff and sore.
I'm so not trying to be a Debbie downer here, I just don't have a lot of positive things to say yet...lol. I am feeling much more calm about this pregnancy than I was with Fia's, I feel like everything is going to be ok. I didn't have that peace about me with Fia's birth or pregnancy, I don't think I was all that calm with Caeden's either... but I was happy, and excited and felt very much like things were going how they should be.
I meet with my midwife on the 22nd, and we will get our first peak at what is going on in my womb, actually only a sound, we'll get to listen to babies heartbeat, but it is exciting all the same. Recently a mama from a birth group I frequent said that her doctor might have hinted toward her being pregnant for twins based on heartbeat... that kinda makes me excited. I know the likely hood is super low, but it just seems like a really crazy but like able idea... though twins would be so difficult, they would also be a challenge I'd be willing to take on.
One last bit of exciting news, I've felt this baby move just a few times, it is amazing how each of my children from the very beginning are so different! Caeden moved in a tiny flutter at first, but then in a very rhythmic pattern. Fia moved in constant flutters, and then later she just bounced around constantly and without any type of pattern or rhythm. This baby though it is only starting just now to make it's presence known, but it's flutters or movements are tiny sudden and gone as soon as they arrive, more like a thump or bump than a butterfly.
I'm pretty tired, and hungry, I'm always tired, and only hungry at night, so I'm going to go take care of those problems, and get to bed.
I did however get THREE glorious days of feeling good, just a bit tired, and to be honest I wasn't feeling 100%, but maybe more like 55-60%, it just felt so good to be at even that level of feeling good that I will just take it! However today and yesterday have not been so nice to me.
I look forward to the time when I can update this journal with the news that it has been WEEKS not just DAYS since I've puked. Especially after doing so eight times yesterday, and once today.
I think I may also be coming down with something, I only hope it is short lived and that it doesn't effect me much. Right now I have a sore throat and the glands at the back of my neck are stiff and sore.
I'm so not trying to be a Debbie downer here, I just don't have a lot of positive things to say yet...lol. I am feeling much more calm about this pregnancy than I was with Fia's, I feel like everything is going to be ok. I didn't have that peace about me with Fia's birth or pregnancy, I don't think I was all that calm with Caeden's either... but I was happy, and excited and felt very much like things were going how they should be.
I meet with my midwife on the 22nd, and we will get our first peak at what is going on in my womb, actually only a sound, we'll get to listen to babies heartbeat, but it is exciting all the same. Recently a mama from a birth group I frequent said that her doctor might have hinted toward her being pregnant for twins based on heartbeat... that kinda makes me excited. I know the likely hood is super low, but it just seems like a really crazy but like able idea... though twins would be so difficult, they would also be a challenge I'd be willing to take on.
One last bit of exciting news, I've felt this baby move just a few times, it is amazing how each of my children from the very beginning are so different! Caeden moved in a tiny flutter at first, but then in a very rhythmic pattern. Fia moved in constant flutters, and then later she just bounced around constantly and without any type of pattern or rhythm. This baby though it is only starting just now to make it's presence known, but it's flutters or movements are tiny sudden and gone as soon as they arrive, more like a thump or bump than a butterfly.
I'm pretty tired, and hungry, I'm always tired, and only hungry at night, so I'm going to go take care of those problems, and get to bed.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Not Pregnant
* I just found this unpublished, I'm not sure why it wasn't published but I feel it should be so even though it is out of order, it is worth a read I think.
I must note that it is Jan 2013, even though it will be time stamped on the post... the reason for this is going to be clear in a minute.
Jan 5th 2012 I found out that I was pregnant for Jaemi. Jan 26th 2012 I lost Jaemi. Had I been able to keep my sweet lost baby I would have delivered in September 2012.
Both F and C were born in the same month, and it seemed to me that it would be cool to have another baby born in September. P and I have been trying to get pregnant for a two months now, and while I didn't expect it to only take two months, I was actually really hoping that this month would be the month.
This morning when Aunt Flow graced me with her arrival I wasn't all that thrilled, but to be honest I've been expecting her since yesterday at 5:30am when I noticed a significant drop in my basal body temperature (this for anyone who doesn't know is a really good way to plan your family naturally! Check it out on www.fertilityfriend.com) So when I woke to my alarm today and had another significant drop in temperature it was obvious that she was going to be paying me a visit and I couldn't even dare to hope that the dip in my temperature from the day before could have been implantation of a new baby which occasionally happens....
I took care of C and got in the shower. Just before getting in, I laid down with P for a minute, he asked how I was, I said "not pregnant" he said "I'm sorry" and it sounded like he meant it, which is pretty nice since he really doesn't care if we have more kids or not, but since he doesn't care he is willing to try with me. He seems to be warming up to the idea a little more every day.
Once I was showering I cupped my hands in the water and let it slide through my fingers a little, just enough that I could still keep some of it in my hands, and watched it flow to the floor, it struck me that life was like that when I lost Jaemi, I kept my self protected, and comfortable, tried to do all I could to keep my baby inside, to help Jaemi grow and develop, but I couldn't stop him/her from sliding out of my womb and disappearing to heaven.
I know people don't get it. Some people look at me when I tell them about Jaemi, with sympathy in their eyes and say "you don't know if it really was a baby, it was too soon for a heart beat." These people mean well, but there is not even a flicker of doubt in my mind that Jaemi was a real baby, heart beat or not, if not then how come I feel so much grief about the loss? No there is not even a chance that when sperm met egg and combined their was no baby involved... there was a baby, a perfect baby involved, and now that baby, my Jaemi, is waiting in heaven for me.
As I was saying, in the shower I realized that my feelings about not being pregnant are two fold, on the one hand I didn't think I was this month anyway so no big deal. On the other hand, this fictional baby would have been due the same month as my Jaemi... They would have had something in common, like F and C do. I could have a silent birthday party for my Jaemi every time I lit a candle for this baby that isn't.... I could have carried Jaemi's memory further. I could have used a new baby to bring joy into a sad area of my life. That seems a lot to put onto a child I know... but it was significant in my mind. To bring joy from sadness, isn't that what the bible says?
As I let the water drip from my hands I asked God once more, a question I have not ventured to ask in months. Why? What did God need with Jaemi, and why would he use me to create this child and then take it away? He made Adam out of dirt, if he needed another child in heaven couldn't he have made one without me? I know the plans of God are nothing to do with me, that I'm no where near the center of the plans of God, but I'm the only one who can feel what I feel... so I ask again, WHY God?
I know I'll never have the answer, and honestly I'm ok with that. I just needed a little bit of mourning this morning. I so wanted to have my September baby.
As I cried about this with P after my shower I asked him how he felt about this. I honestly don't expect anyone who has never carried a child in their womb or experienced the loss of a child to understand why I feel so deeply for a child who some people don't even believe existed. But his response was soothing to my soul.
P told me he felt badly that he didn't stand up for me. When I had been told that they wanted to break my water with F and I said I didn't want it, cried about it, and then asked P what I should do his response had been that he was tired, and why not get the show on the road and we could all go home. And then after breaking my water F's cord prolapsed and I was rushed to surgery... P has held onto some guilt from this for a long time. I do not blame him, hospital chairs are horrible, and the tv was too high on the wall to really be comfortable watching it, and my labor was rather uneventful, he was bored, uncomfortable and ready to sleep in his own bed. I can say 100% I do not blame him. But he feels guilty, like if he had heard my heart better, put aside his own feelings of discomfort and stood up for me in that moment he could have rescued me from surgery.
He then said he felt guilty all over again when we lost Jaemi, because he (and I for that mater) didn't know that we had options other than surgery at that moment, and it was on the operating table that my body did it's job and cleared a pregnancy from my fallopian tubes without the help of the surgeon... but at this same moment my uterus went crazy and was hemorrhaging and they performed a d&c, something that we had specifically asked NOT to have done.... I don't blame either the doctor or P for this, but he carries guilt that twice in his care I've had surgery that might have been unnecessary. He feels like he let me down, and my body doesn't (and he is right in this part) function the way it used to, and he has felt that it might be harder for me to get pregnant again because of these surgeries (don't know I guess we will have to see) and that I'm at higher risk for another c-section, something I NEVER wanted done in the first place... and all the blame, in his head, is on him.
As I mentioned before, I don't blame him, and some of what he is blaming on himself is irrational, but I'm so glad to have a man who feels something concerning the loss. If I were alone in this feeling, this overwhelming desire to connect with my child, one I will only meet after death, I don't know that I'd be able to keep the crazy at bay. I'm so incredibly thankful for a man who feels, who wants to protect me, and who wants to stand up for me and the things that I know and feel are right for my body.
Am I sad I'm not pregnant this month.. no not really... Do I miss Jaemi all over again? YES absolutely. And it is hard to draw the line between the two...
I must note that it is Jan 2013, even though it will be time stamped on the post... the reason for this is going to be clear in a minute.
Jan 5th 2012 I found out that I was pregnant for Jaemi. Jan 26th 2012 I lost Jaemi. Had I been able to keep my sweet lost baby I would have delivered in September 2012.
Both F and C were born in the same month, and it seemed to me that it would be cool to have another baby born in September. P and I have been trying to get pregnant for a two months now, and while I didn't expect it to only take two months, I was actually really hoping that this month would be the month.
This morning when Aunt Flow graced me with her arrival I wasn't all that thrilled, but to be honest I've been expecting her since yesterday at 5:30am when I noticed a significant drop in my basal body temperature (this for anyone who doesn't know is a really good way to plan your family naturally! Check it out on www.fertilityfriend.com) So when I woke to my alarm today and had another significant drop in temperature it was obvious that she was going to be paying me a visit and I couldn't even dare to hope that the dip in my temperature from the day before could have been implantation of a new baby which occasionally happens....
I took care of C and got in the shower. Just before getting in, I laid down with P for a minute, he asked how I was, I said "not pregnant" he said "I'm sorry" and it sounded like he meant it, which is pretty nice since he really doesn't care if we have more kids or not, but since he doesn't care he is willing to try with me. He seems to be warming up to the idea a little more every day.
Once I was showering I cupped my hands in the water and let it slide through my fingers a little, just enough that I could still keep some of it in my hands, and watched it flow to the floor, it struck me that life was like that when I lost Jaemi, I kept my self protected, and comfortable, tried to do all I could to keep my baby inside, to help Jaemi grow and develop, but I couldn't stop him/her from sliding out of my womb and disappearing to heaven.
I know people don't get it. Some people look at me when I tell them about Jaemi, with sympathy in their eyes and say "you don't know if it really was a baby, it was too soon for a heart beat." These people mean well, but there is not even a flicker of doubt in my mind that Jaemi was a real baby, heart beat or not, if not then how come I feel so much grief about the loss? No there is not even a chance that when sperm met egg and combined their was no baby involved... there was a baby, a perfect baby involved, and now that baby, my Jaemi, is waiting in heaven for me.
As I was saying, in the shower I realized that my feelings about not being pregnant are two fold, on the one hand I didn't think I was this month anyway so no big deal. On the other hand, this fictional baby would have been due the same month as my Jaemi... They would have had something in common, like F and C do. I could have a silent birthday party for my Jaemi every time I lit a candle for this baby that isn't.... I could have carried Jaemi's memory further. I could have used a new baby to bring joy into a sad area of my life. That seems a lot to put onto a child I know... but it was significant in my mind. To bring joy from sadness, isn't that what the bible says?
As I let the water drip from my hands I asked God once more, a question I have not ventured to ask in months. Why? What did God need with Jaemi, and why would he use me to create this child and then take it away? He made Adam out of dirt, if he needed another child in heaven couldn't he have made one without me? I know the plans of God are nothing to do with me, that I'm no where near the center of the plans of God, but I'm the only one who can feel what I feel... so I ask again, WHY God?
I know I'll never have the answer, and honestly I'm ok with that. I just needed a little bit of mourning this morning. I so wanted to have my September baby.
As I cried about this with P after my shower I asked him how he felt about this. I honestly don't expect anyone who has never carried a child in their womb or experienced the loss of a child to understand why I feel so deeply for a child who some people don't even believe existed. But his response was soothing to my soul.
P told me he felt badly that he didn't stand up for me. When I had been told that they wanted to break my water with F and I said I didn't want it, cried about it, and then asked P what I should do his response had been that he was tired, and why not get the show on the road and we could all go home. And then after breaking my water F's cord prolapsed and I was rushed to surgery... P has held onto some guilt from this for a long time. I do not blame him, hospital chairs are horrible, and the tv was too high on the wall to really be comfortable watching it, and my labor was rather uneventful, he was bored, uncomfortable and ready to sleep in his own bed. I can say 100% I do not blame him. But he feels guilty, like if he had heard my heart better, put aside his own feelings of discomfort and stood up for me in that moment he could have rescued me from surgery.
He then said he felt guilty all over again when we lost Jaemi, because he (and I for that mater) didn't know that we had options other than surgery at that moment, and it was on the operating table that my body did it's job and cleared a pregnancy from my fallopian tubes without the help of the surgeon... but at this same moment my uterus went crazy and was hemorrhaging and they performed a d&c, something that we had specifically asked NOT to have done.... I don't blame either the doctor or P for this, but he carries guilt that twice in his care I've had surgery that might have been unnecessary. He feels like he let me down, and my body doesn't (and he is right in this part) function the way it used to, and he has felt that it might be harder for me to get pregnant again because of these surgeries (don't know I guess we will have to see) and that I'm at higher risk for another c-section, something I NEVER wanted done in the first place... and all the blame, in his head, is on him.
As I mentioned before, I don't blame him, and some of what he is blaming on himself is irrational, but I'm so glad to have a man who feels something concerning the loss. If I were alone in this feeling, this overwhelming desire to connect with my child, one I will only meet after death, I don't know that I'd be able to keep the crazy at bay. I'm so incredibly thankful for a man who feels, who wants to protect me, and who wants to stand up for me and the things that I know and feel are right for my body.
Am I sad I'm not pregnant this month.. no not really... Do I miss Jaemi all over again? YES absolutely. And it is hard to draw the line between the two...
Getting a little more!
5 weeks ago we discovered our family was about to be blessed again, sometime around October 26th actually! It has taken me awhile to come and write about it because to be honest I'm not sure how I feel about blogging anymore. I used to really really want to blog about my life and tell the world about our adventures, then life turned and I started this blog to find healing from some of those turns, but now I don't need to tell the world, nor do I need to find healing, so I come here very rarely.
I'd say sorry but honestly I don't know if anyone reads this any way, and if you do, I'm sure you feel sometimes like I do and like the real world is waiting for you to come back and enjoy it again.... or maybe you don't and it is just me?
Anyway, things are going to be really different this time. In the first place THINGS HAVE REALLY CHANGED since losing Jaemi, or having Fia (yeah I'm going to be real now, I don't have any reason to hide my kids names anymore.) Having Fia devastated me because it was shocking how wrong things could go, losing Jaemi brought about a lot of peace and also sadness. Peace because I finally saw my surgery in a different light, and sadness because even an unexpected pregnancy would have brought a life we treasured into our home, and before that life was fully realized it was also gone.
Losing Jaemi happened in Jan. 2012, then we moved across the country, from sunny California to Mid-Michigan where we lived with my mom and dad and a few of my siblings for 6 months. Patrick the kids and I shared one room, I don't miss that at all. It was challenging to live in the home of another woman again, nothing was mine, I didn't feel as if I could take ownership over anything but my bedroom, and I felt guilty all the time for not being able to follow my mom's schedule and keep my kids in line the way I like to.
In June I lost my very dearest friend Prissy, an amazing dog! Prissy was born on Father's day (which I'm pretty sure was June 19th) 1997. And she lived almost to her 15th birthday. I don't know if I told her story here, but maybe if I have not I will some other time.
When Prissy was literally dying in her kennel I took myself out for a walk in the corn field and just cried out to God. "Why are you taking so many things from me?" The answer was a soft whisper straight to my heart, one I honestly didn't know if I could believe after so many losses (My dog Tristen, Jaemi, Patrick's Job, our home, a part of the freedom we had known in living on our own), but that whisper came, I know it did, "this is the last one". I know there will be other losses in life, I know eventually my parents or Patrick's parents may die, I know we will probably lose another dog one day, there will be losses, but what God was speaking to my heart then was that I was about to be on the receiving end instead of the giving end of life for awhile. My heart felt much lighter after that.
The same day that I found out Prissy was dying (we had left her with my parents while we took a little trip for the weekend) Patrick got a job offer. Not a great paying offer, but an offer none the less... he took it, he really didn't have much else to take at that point.
He began factory work. We began looking for a place to live. Some place we could buy with cash. We found the perfect little place, in Lansing, just down the road from the Potter Park Zoo, and a few blocks from the hospital, I started dreaming. In retrospect it wasn't perfect, but I liked it a lot, and was excited to see that all the rooms were painted in shades I liked and probably wouldn't change at all. And it was SUPER CUTE.
As we were waiting (5weeks) to hear whether the bank accepted our offer or not we got an e-mail from a company that basically informed us that a job in Patrick's own field was available if he was interested in upper Michigan. Naturally I freaked out. If you are not familiar Upper Michigan is very under populated, and often the 'cities' there don't have more than a grocery store.
We visited the city where the job offer was, to see if we could manage living there. It was better than I expected and Patrick quickly interviewed with the company. After going back to my parents house we decided that perhaps it was the right move for us, and we began packing things up and contacted the realtor about canceling our offer... we didn't want to, but had no other choice the house and the new job were 3 hours away from each other.
We stayed nearly a week in a hotel while Patrick started his new job, found a place to live with decent rent and four bedrooms, perfect for temporary living, and VERY comfortable. The landlords let me paint some of the rooms, with the agreement that any rooms I painted in neutral colors could be left that way when we decided to move out.
During the time of the move one of my best friends got married, I was her maid of honor, and so very happy to be able to participate... had I been pregnant with Jaemi I most likely wouldn't have been able to attend as my due date was so close to her wedding date.. it is a bittersweet thought.
We settled into our new small town existence, found a church that cared so much for us that we decided to stay, though their views are different in some areas from ours and all the churches around here are geared toward the senior aged community.... it has been a VERY difficult adjustment.
In December I traveled with the kids to Maryland to visit a friend and accompany on the birth of her third child, it was exciting! After Christmas we all headed home (Patrick was able to come for Christmas and the weekend just before it).
Back at home we decided to start trying for another baby. I don't ever know whether to call it baby 3, or baby D.... because technically we have three children already, but no one recognizes Jaemi as a part of our family because most people here don't even know about the story of Jaemi, and even if they did they just think "oh look at their 'two' children, and now they are expecting number 3".
So baby D is how I refer to our baby for now. And Baby D has some exciting stuff coming along with it. The biggest excitement in my life right now is that we are planning a home birth! I found a midwife who lives 3 hours from my home (I know that is far right!) and she will travel to me at the end of my pregnancy and obviously for the birth, and has an office that is an hour and 20 minutes from here that she can meet me in until 36 weeks. She seems really put together, and I'm so excited about this birth. The only problems I anticipate are that 1. I am a VBAC and that puts me at a higher risk, but we have precautions for that, and 2. she lives a long ways away, I don't want to call her too soon and have her spend days out here, but I also don't want to call her too late and not make it in time for the arrival of the baby. Otherwise I'm TOTALLY at peace about this baby and it's arrival.
For the record, I really miss Target, but living out here in the sticks hasn't been all bad. I've been able to sort of build a good community of friends and Patrick and I are trying to kick start a new ministry to reach the unreached generations here.
I'd say sorry but honestly I don't know if anyone reads this any way, and if you do, I'm sure you feel sometimes like I do and like the real world is waiting for you to come back and enjoy it again.... or maybe you don't and it is just me?
Anyway, things are going to be really different this time. In the first place THINGS HAVE REALLY CHANGED since losing Jaemi, or having Fia (yeah I'm going to be real now, I don't have any reason to hide my kids names anymore.) Having Fia devastated me because it was shocking how wrong things could go, losing Jaemi brought about a lot of peace and also sadness. Peace because I finally saw my surgery in a different light, and sadness because even an unexpected pregnancy would have brought a life we treasured into our home, and before that life was fully realized it was also gone.
Losing Jaemi happened in Jan. 2012, then we moved across the country, from sunny California to Mid-Michigan where we lived with my mom and dad and a few of my siblings for 6 months. Patrick the kids and I shared one room, I don't miss that at all. It was challenging to live in the home of another woman again, nothing was mine, I didn't feel as if I could take ownership over anything but my bedroom, and I felt guilty all the time for not being able to follow my mom's schedule and keep my kids in line the way I like to.
In June I lost my very dearest friend Prissy, an amazing dog! Prissy was born on Father's day (which I'm pretty sure was June 19th) 1997. And she lived almost to her 15th birthday. I don't know if I told her story here, but maybe if I have not I will some other time.
When Prissy was literally dying in her kennel I took myself out for a walk in the corn field and just cried out to God. "Why are you taking so many things from me?" The answer was a soft whisper straight to my heart, one I honestly didn't know if I could believe after so many losses (My dog Tristen, Jaemi, Patrick's Job, our home, a part of the freedom we had known in living on our own), but that whisper came, I know it did, "this is the last one". I know there will be other losses in life, I know eventually my parents or Patrick's parents may die, I know we will probably lose another dog one day, there will be losses, but what God was speaking to my heart then was that I was about to be on the receiving end instead of the giving end of life for awhile. My heart felt much lighter after that.
The same day that I found out Prissy was dying (we had left her with my parents while we took a little trip for the weekend) Patrick got a job offer. Not a great paying offer, but an offer none the less... he took it, he really didn't have much else to take at that point.
He began factory work. We began looking for a place to live. Some place we could buy with cash. We found the perfect little place, in Lansing, just down the road from the Potter Park Zoo, and a few blocks from the hospital, I started dreaming. In retrospect it wasn't perfect, but I liked it a lot, and was excited to see that all the rooms were painted in shades I liked and probably wouldn't change at all. And it was SUPER CUTE.
As we were waiting (5weeks) to hear whether the bank accepted our offer or not we got an e-mail from a company that basically informed us that a job in Patrick's own field was available if he was interested in upper Michigan. Naturally I freaked out. If you are not familiar Upper Michigan is very under populated, and often the 'cities' there don't have more than a grocery store.
We visited the city where the job offer was, to see if we could manage living there. It was better than I expected and Patrick quickly interviewed with the company. After going back to my parents house we decided that perhaps it was the right move for us, and we began packing things up and contacted the realtor about canceling our offer... we didn't want to, but had no other choice the house and the new job were 3 hours away from each other.
We stayed nearly a week in a hotel while Patrick started his new job, found a place to live with decent rent and four bedrooms, perfect for temporary living, and VERY comfortable. The landlords let me paint some of the rooms, with the agreement that any rooms I painted in neutral colors could be left that way when we decided to move out.
During the time of the move one of my best friends got married, I was her maid of honor, and so very happy to be able to participate... had I been pregnant with Jaemi I most likely wouldn't have been able to attend as my due date was so close to her wedding date.. it is a bittersweet thought.
We settled into our new small town existence, found a church that cared so much for us that we decided to stay, though their views are different in some areas from ours and all the churches around here are geared toward the senior aged community.... it has been a VERY difficult adjustment.
In December I traveled with the kids to Maryland to visit a friend and accompany on the birth of her third child, it was exciting! After Christmas we all headed home (Patrick was able to come for Christmas and the weekend just before it).
Back at home we decided to start trying for another baby. I don't ever know whether to call it baby 3, or baby D.... because technically we have three children already, but no one recognizes Jaemi as a part of our family because most people here don't even know about the story of Jaemi, and even if they did they just think "oh look at their 'two' children, and now they are expecting number 3".
So baby D is how I refer to our baby for now. And Baby D has some exciting stuff coming along with it. The biggest excitement in my life right now is that we are planning a home birth! I found a midwife who lives 3 hours from my home (I know that is far right!) and she will travel to me at the end of my pregnancy and obviously for the birth, and has an office that is an hour and 20 minutes from here that she can meet me in until 36 weeks. She seems really put together, and I'm so excited about this birth. The only problems I anticipate are that 1. I am a VBAC and that puts me at a higher risk, but we have precautions for that, and 2. she lives a long ways away, I don't want to call her too soon and have her spend days out here, but I also don't want to call her too late and not make it in time for the arrival of the baby. Otherwise I'm TOTALLY at peace about this baby and it's arrival.
For the record, I really miss Target, but living out here in the sticks hasn't been all bad. I've been able to sort of build a good community of friends and Patrick and I are trying to kick start a new ministry to reach the unreached generations here.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Remembering and moving forward
I must note that it is Jan 2013, even though it will be time stamped on the post... the reason for this is going to be clear in a minute.
Jan 5th 2012 I found out that I was pregnant for Jaemi. Jan 26th 2012 I lost Jaemi. Had I been able to keep my sweet lost baby I would have delivered in September 2012.
Both F and C were born in the same month, and it seemed to me that it would be cool to have another baby born in September. P and I have been trying to get pregnant for a two months now, and while I didn't expect it to only take two months, I was actually really hoping that this month would be the month.
This morning when Aunt Flow graced me with her arrival I wasn't all that thrilled, but to be honest I've been expecting her since yesterday at 5:30am when I noticed a significant drop in my basal body temperature (this for anyone who doesn't know is a really good way to plan your family naturally! Check it out on www.fertilityfriend.com) So when I woke to my alarm today and had another significant drop in temperature it was obvious that she was going to be paying me a visit and I couldn't even dare to hope that the dip in my temperature from the day before could have been implantation of a new baby which occasionally happens....
I took care of C and got in the shower. Just before getting in, I laid down with P for a minute, he asked how I was, I said "not pregnant" he said "I'm sorry" and it sounded like he meant it, which is pretty nice since he really doesn't care if we have more kids or not, but since he doesn't care he is willing to try with me. He seems to be warming up to the idea a little more every day.
Once I was showering I cupped my hands in the water and let it slide through my fingers a little, just enough that I could still keep some of it in my hands, and watched it flow to the floor, it struck me that life was like that when I lost Jaemi, I kept my self protected, and comfortable, tried to do all I could to keep my baby inside, to help Jaemi grow and develop, but I couldn't stop him/her from sliding out of my womb and disappearing to heaven.
I know people don't get it. Some people look at me when I tell them about Jaemi, with sympathy in their eyes and say "you don't know if it really was a baby, it was too soon for a heart beat." These people mean well, but there is not even a flicker of doubt in my mind that Jaemi was a real baby, heart beat or not, if not then how come I feel so much grief about the loss? No there is not even a chance that when sperm met egg and combined their was no baby involved... there was a baby, a perfect baby involved, and now that baby, my Jaemi, is waiting in heaven for me.
As I was saying, in the shower I realized that my feelings about not being pregnant are two fold, on the one hand I didn't think I was this month anyway so no big deal. On the other hand, this fictional baby would have been due the same month as my Jaemi... They would have had something in common, like F and C do. I could have a silent birthday party for my Jaemi every time I lit a candle for this baby that isn't.... I could have carried Jaemi's memory further. I could have used a new baby to bring joy into a sad area of my life. That seems a lot to put onto a child I know... but it was significant in my mind. To bring joy from sadness, isn't that what the bible says?
As I let the water drip from my hands I asked God once more, a question I have not ventured to ask in months. Why? What did God need with Jaemi, and why would he use me to create this child and then take it away? He made adam out of dirt, if he needed another child in heaven couldn't he have made one without me? I know the plans of God are nothing to do with me, that I'm no where near the center of the plans of God, but I'm the only one who can feel what I feel... so I ask again, WHY God?
I know I'll never have the answer, and honestly I'm ok with that. I just needed a little bit of mourning this morning. I so wanted to have my September baby.
As I cried about this with P after my shower I asked him how he felt about this. I honestly don't expect anyone who has never carried a child in their womb or experienced the loss of a child to understand why I feel so deeply for a child who some people don't even believe existed. But his response was soothing to my soul.
P told me he felt badly that he didn't stand up for me. When I had been told that they wanted to break my water with F and I said I didn't want it, cried about it, and then asked P what I should do his response had been that he was tired, and why not get the show on the road and we could all go home. And then after breaking my water F's cord prolapsed and I was rushed to surgery... P has held onto some guilt from this for a long time. I do not blame him, hospital chairs are horrible, and the tv was too high on the wall to really be comfortable watching it, and my labor was rather uneventful, he was bored, uncomfortable and ready to sleep in his own bed. I can say 100% I do not blame him. But he feels guilty, like if he had heard my heart better, put aside his own feelings of discomfort and stood up for me in that moment he could have rescued me from surgery.
He then said he felt guilty all over again when we lost Jaemi, because he (and I for that mater) didn't know that we had options other than surgery at that moment, and it was on the operating table that my body did it's job and cleared a pregnancy from my Fallopian tubes without the help of the surgeon... but at this same moment my uterus went crazy and was hemorrhaging and they performed a d&c, something that we had specifically asked NOT to have done.... I don't blame either the doctor or P for this, but he carries guilt that twice in his care I've had surgery that might have been unnecessary. He feels like he let me down, and my body doesn't (and he is right in this part) function the way it used to, and he has felt that it might be harder for me to get pregnant again because of these surgeries (don't know I guess we will have to see) and that I'm at higher risk for another c-section, something I NEVER wanted done in the first place... and all the blame, in his head, is on him.
As I mentioned before, I don't blame him, and some of what he is blaming on himself is irrational, but I'm so glad to have a man who feels something concerning the loss. If I were alone in this feeling, this overwhelming desire to connect with my child, one I will only meet after death, I don't know that I'd be able to keep the crazy at bay. I'm so incredibly thankful for a man who feels, who wants to protect me, and who wants to stand up for me and the things that I know and feel are right for my body.
Am I sad I'm not pregnant this month.. no not really... Do I miss Jaemi all over again? YES absolutely. And it is hard to draw the line between the two... But with God's grace I'll try again next month.
Jan 5th 2012 I found out that I was pregnant for Jaemi. Jan 26th 2012 I lost Jaemi. Had I been able to keep my sweet lost baby I would have delivered in September 2012.
Both F and C were born in the same month, and it seemed to me that it would be cool to have another baby born in September. P and I have been trying to get pregnant for a two months now, and while I didn't expect it to only take two months, I was actually really hoping that this month would be the month.
This morning when Aunt Flow graced me with her arrival I wasn't all that thrilled, but to be honest I've been expecting her since yesterday at 5:30am when I noticed a significant drop in my basal body temperature (this for anyone who doesn't know is a really good way to plan your family naturally! Check it out on www.fertilityfriend.com) So when I woke to my alarm today and had another significant drop in temperature it was obvious that she was going to be paying me a visit and I couldn't even dare to hope that the dip in my temperature from the day before could have been implantation of a new baby which occasionally happens....
I took care of C and got in the shower. Just before getting in, I laid down with P for a minute, he asked how I was, I said "not pregnant" he said "I'm sorry" and it sounded like he meant it, which is pretty nice since he really doesn't care if we have more kids or not, but since he doesn't care he is willing to try with me. He seems to be warming up to the idea a little more every day.
Once I was showering I cupped my hands in the water and let it slide through my fingers a little, just enough that I could still keep some of it in my hands, and watched it flow to the floor, it struck me that life was like that when I lost Jaemi, I kept my self protected, and comfortable, tried to do all I could to keep my baby inside, to help Jaemi grow and develop, but I couldn't stop him/her from sliding out of my womb and disappearing to heaven.
I know people don't get it. Some people look at me when I tell them about Jaemi, with sympathy in their eyes and say "you don't know if it really was a baby, it was too soon for a heart beat." These people mean well, but there is not even a flicker of doubt in my mind that Jaemi was a real baby, heart beat or not, if not then how come I feel so much grief about the loss? No there is not even a chance that when sperm met egg and combined their was no baby involved... there was a baby, a perfect baby involved, and now that baby, my Jaemi, is waiting in heaven for me.
As I was saying, in the shower I realized that my feelings about not being pregnant are two fold, on the one hand I didn't think I was this month anyway so no big deal. On the other hand, this fictional baby would have been due the same month as my Jaemi... They would have had something in common, like F and C do. I could have a silent birthday party for my Jaemi every time I lit a candle for this baby that isn't.... I could have carried Jaemi's memory further. I could have used a new baby to bring joy into a sad area of my life. That seems a lot to put onto a child I know... but it was significant in my mind. To bring joy from sadness, isn't that what the bible says?
As I let the water drip from my hands I asked God once more, a question I have not ventured to ask in months. Why? What did God need with Jaemi, and why would he use me to create this child and then take it away? He made adam out of dirt, if he needed another child in heaven couldn't he have made one without me? I know the plans of God are nothing to do with me, that I'm no where near the center of the plans of God, but I'm the only one who can feel what I feel... so I ask again, WHY God?
I know I'll never have the answer, and honestly I'm ok with that. I just needed a little bit of mourning this morning. I so wanted to have my September baby.
As I cried about this with P after my shower I asked him how he felt about this. I honestly don't expect anyone who has never carried a child in their womb or experienced the loss of a child to understand why I feel so deeply for a child who some people don't even believe existed. But his response was soothing to my soul.
P told me he felt badly that he didn't stand up for me. When I had been told that they wanted to break my water with F and I said I didn't want it, cried about it, and then asked P what I should do his response had been that he was tired, and why not get the show on the road and we could all go home. And then after breaking my water F's cord prolapsed and I was rushed to surgery... P has held onto some guilt from this for a long time. I do not blame him, hospital chairs are horrible, and the tv was too high on the wall to really be comfortable watching it, and my labor was rather uneventful, he was bored, uncomfortable and ready to sleep in his own bed. I can say 100% I do not blame him. But he feels guilty, like if he had heard my heart better, put aside his own feelings of discomfort and stood up for me in that moment he could have rescued me from surgery.
He then said he felt guilty all over again when we lost Jaemi, because he (and I for that mater) didn't know that we had options other than surgery at that moment, and it was on the operating table that my body did it's job and cleared a pregnancy from my Fallopian tubes without the help of the surgeon... but at this same moment my uterus went crazy and was hemorrhaging and they performed a d&c, something that we had specifically asked NOT to have done.... I don't blame either the doctor or P for this, but he carries guilt that twice in his care I've had surgery that might have been unnecessary. He feels like he let me down, and my body doesn't (and he is right in this part) function the way it used to, and he has felt that it might be harder for me to get pregnant again because of these surgeries (don't know I guess we will have to see) and that I'm at higher risk for another c-section, something I NEVER wanted done in the first place... and all the blame, in his head, is on him.
As I mentioned before, I don't blame him, and some of what he is blaming on himself is irrational, but I'm so glad to have a man who feels something concerning the loss. If I were alone in this feeling, this overwhelming desire to connect with my child, one I will only meet after death, I don't know that I'd be able to keep the crazy at bay. I'm so incredibly thankful for a man who feels, who wants to protect me, and who wants to stand up for me and the things that I know and feel are right for my body.
Am I sad I'm not pregnant this month.. no not really... Do I miss Jaemi all over again? YES absolutely. And it is hard to draw the line between the two... But with God's grace I'll try again next month.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
My kid's strengths.
Both of the kids celebrated birthdays recently, and C's age has started to sink in now. It is so unimaginable that 4 years ago today I was holding a new born baby that I was allowed to take home. I felt often after taking C to our home that they had to have made a mistake, I couldn't be just allowed to go to a hospital with a swollen belly and return a parent.... How is that possible?
But here I am... a parent. Not just a parent, but the parent of two amazing children. C is constantly asking me lately what words mean. This doesn't sound too impressive considering that his language skills are amazing, but when I really stop and think about it if he wants to know the meaning of a word that means he is thinking about their meanings, and trying to use them correctly. All the big words that before now just didn't fit in his vocabulary are now taking a front seat in his life. Today he wanted to know the meaning of 'distance'. Before I might have said I needed some space, or 'back up', or something, but now he can understand and use the word 'distance' instead of all those other words combined to make the same point. That is just incredible to me.
What else amazes me? Well C is not an artistic person on paper. He can build and create things out of legos that will amaze you (or maybe I'm easily amazed)... but give him crayons and paper and he will tell you 'I don't want to color cause coloring makes me boring'. His bluntness is astounding. But today during church he was handed a baggy of crayons and some coloring pages, and he SHOCKED me. First off one of the pages had the new year written out in block letters for him to color in, he TRACED them all... quite well too... yeah that doesn't sound like much, but I have been homeschooling him for 13 weeks and have been unable to get him to understand the concept and purpose of tracing, and here he was doing it on his own, and presenting it proudly to me. Then he turned to another page, with a caterpillar and a butterfly on some plants with big leaves. He colored the caterpillar pretty much the way he always colors, big scribbles, so long as the whole image is colored it has never mattered to him whether his crayon stays in the lines or not... then he hands me the crayon and says "I can't color the butterfly" I show him how to color one small part at a time, and then he goes to town, making small scribbles, hardly getting out of any lines at all, and completes the whole butterfly. This is amazing for two reasons, 1. he finished the whole picture (he refused to use any color other than blue), and 2. he cared about the work he was doing! He colored in the lines as much as possible, and spent time and effort making it his best possible. So my little boy is truly growing up and the things I show him, they take awhile to sink in but I'm encouraged that they do in deed sink in.
And then there is F. Oh my gosh she is amazing to me. And the love that flows between them gets me to the core. Lately she is attempting to potty train herself. This is just incredible to me because it took a LOT of concentrated effort to get C to understand and care what a potty was for let alone get him to use it. F will walk around tugging at the seam of her pants saying "PAAh eee" (potty) when she is going, and expect you to put her on it whether she's already gone or not. Just barely 2 and determined to do what big kids do... I don't imagine that it will take much effort at all to get her out of diapers, and since the pile is nearly gone I think we may just actually potty train her now.
These children, they are my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my emotions on legs, with arms that hug and smiles that inspire, and words and actions that teach me so much every day. And the more I see them, the more I interact with them the more I believe that there is no right way to teach a child, there is the way a child learns, and if you grasp that you can teach them anything. Which is why it is so important to me that I do teach them all I can offer, and that I'm careful not to teach them the things I wouldn't want them to learn from me, the bad habits I need to break, the insecurities that I have... I want them to learn all that I have learned in my life time, and also all that their own lives can offer them. And I pray that I'm able to do so in a manor pleasing to God, and honorable to those who have blessed their lives with that education.
But here I am... a parent. Not just a parent, but the parent of two amazing children. C is constantly asking me lately what words mean. This doesn't sound too impressive considering that his language skills are amazing, but when I really stop and think about it if he wants to know the meaning of a word that means he is thinking about their meanings, and trying to use them correctly. All the big words that before now just didn't fit in his vocabulary are now taking a front seat in his life. Today he wanted to know the meaning of 'distance'. Before I might have said I needed some space, or 'back up', or something, but now he can understand and use the word 'distance' instead of all those other words combined to make the same point. That is just incredible to me.
What else amazes me? Well C is not an artistic person on paper. He can build and create things out of legos that will amaze you (or maybe I'm easily amazed)... but give him crayons and paper and he will tell you 'I don't want to color cause coloring makes me boring'. His bluntness is astounding. But today during church he was handed a baggy of crayons and some coloring pages, and he SHOCKED me. First off one of the pages had the new year written out in block letters for him to color in, he TRACED them all... quite well too... yeah that doesn't sound like much, but I have been homeschooling him for 13 weeks and have been unable to get him to understand the concept and purpose of tracing, and here he was doing it on his own, and presenting it proudly to me. Then he turned to another page, with a caterpillar and a butterfly on some plants with big leaves. He colored the caterpillar pretty much the way he always colors, big scribbles, so long as the whole image is colored it has never mattered to him whether his crayon stays in the lines or not... then he hands me the crayon and says "I can't color the butterfly" I show him how to color one small part at a time, and then he goes to town, making small scribbles, hardly getting out of any lines at all, and completes the whole butterfly. This is amazing for two reasons, 1. he finished the whole picture (he refused to use any color other than blue), and 2. he cared about the work he was doing! He colored in the lines as much as possible, and spent time and effort making it his best possible. So my little boy is truly growing up and the things I show him, they take awhile to sink in but I'm encouraged that they do in deed sink in.
And then there is F. Oh my gosh she is amazing to me. And the love that flows between them gets me to the core. Lately she is attempting to potty train herself. This is just incredible to me because it took a LOT of concentrated effort to get C to understand and care what a potty was for let alone get him to use it. F will walk around tugging at the seam of her pants saying "PAAh eee" (potty) when she is going, and expect you to put her on it whether she's already gone or not. Just barely 2 and determined to do what big kids do... I don't imagine that it will take much effort at all to get her out of diapers, and since the pile is nearly gone I think we may just actually potty train her now.
These children, they are my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my emotions on legs, with arms that hug and smiles that inspire, and words and actions that teach me so much every day. And the more I see them, the more I interact with them the more I believe that there is no right way to teach a child, there is the way a child learns, and if you grasp that you can teach them anything. Which is why it is so important to me that I do teach them all I can offer, and that I'm careful not to teach them the things I wouldn't want them to learn from me, the bad habits I need to break, the insecurities that I have... I want them to learn all that I have learned in my life time, and also all that their own lives can offer them. And I pray that I'm able to do so in a manor pleasing to God, and honorable to those who have blessed their lives with that education.
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