I HATE facebook!
will I stop using it? Probably not.
Reasons I hate it.
1. It totally KILLED in person relationships. True it wasn't the first thing that came along and stuck a knife in the way people communicated face to face, but think of it, through facebook, if you have a problem with someone, send them a note! Dont like what they wrote on your wall? Delete it! They wont stop bugging you? Delete them... and you know you can do this any time you want to and even if you hurt that persons feelings unless you live somewhere you may actually have to see their face you really did DELETE a person from your life!
On the flip side of that it is also a fabulous way to talk to a person without ever talking to them. As an example, in the movie social networking after the makers of facebook have launched and it is just starting out some girl sees them and wants to set up a date, and so she says "facebook me later!" WHAT!!! DUDE YOUR STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GUY, JUST SET IT UP! Gah....
2. It is addictive. Think about it, first you could just chat with people, then you could play games, then you got groups, and all sorts of other things, and there is chat, and messages, and then they combined them, because you totally can have a RIGHT NOW conversation and just leave mid topic... but that is another subject... basically you can't get away from it, and as soon as you think you can that little red flag shows up and you just have to see who 'liked' what you said, or commented on your random totally off the wall status.
3. The here and now does not exist on facebook. As I mentioned earlier you can start chatting with anyone you like and if like in my case and many other mom's I've met on fb, your baby pukes all over the outfit you JUST put them in, you just leave, the acronyms people used to use like brb DO NOT EXIST anymore. People just randomly leave you in the middle of a conversation! What makes this worse is that fb chat SUCKS! I have many times been chatting with someone and then I hear nothing back from them for a long time and then suddenly they are back and wondering why my chat had been telling them that I was off line, when I was not off line, I was sitting here for the last 20 mins wondering why I was being ignored by the person I had been having a good conversation with... which leads me to believe I'm paranoid.
4. High school! ICK... I mean I loved the social aspect of high school but somehow when I was in school I felt fine being one of the not so cool girls, I had friends, my friends loved me, we had loads of fun, and skipped a lot of classes. (sorry teachers) Facebook brings back this High school mentality that there are cool kids and NOT cool kids, and you want to be a part of the cool kids!
I used to participate in this group on ivillage before they totally screwed up their format (still angry about that ivillage... please change it back!) and the group moved to facebook. when we were on ivillage there were girls who were 'cool' and girls who were just girls... but no one was uncool... however you know exactly how cool you are when you are on facebook.. did the girls 'like' what I said? did anyone respond about my babies rash on his bottom? Why doesn't anyone care that he's broken out and I can't get it under control or figure out what is causing it? NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR BABIES BUTT! (this is totally in response to myself and not meant to hurt anyone's feelings, I indeed wrote my girls about my sons rash and find that I'm overly concerned with the number of people that comment on my post when I shouldn't be)
So though I'm not in school I now care that my facebook page has the coolest picture (thanks Calvin I DO love my profile picture) that EVERYONE under the sun see's the amazing things that I make, because of course I think they are amazing why shouldn't you? and I find that if someone disagrees with me or deletes things that I wrote I feel like I have been deleted.. that my opinion, my right to speak has been revoked. Like I'm the girl that cheerily walks up to the lunch table I've been sitting at for the last 2 years and suddenly the girl in the hottest sweater and that other girl with the jeans that look like they cost $300 slide over to make sure there isn't any room for me. and I'm just baffled.
5. I've met people on facebook that I will probably never meet in real life.. why is that a problem? because now they are a part of my life, I really have grown to love these people and care deeply about them.. this is the evil plot of facebook I'm sure... get 'em hooked and they will never leave. Because of the nature of our relationship I will probably lose total contact with these people if I quit facebook.. and so I'm stuck.
6. If your fan page has just opened and mine has been opened for months and you already have more fans than me, even though I'm desperately trying to get more so that I can raise money for my MIL's cancer treatment I kinda feel like you must be in with the girls at that table I used to sit at...
I hate you facebook!
Mommy and Me
Sharing life with you is fullfilling
Friday, July 22, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
keeping busy
Sometimes I realize that I've kept myself so busy that I'm not really really paying attention to my kids... do you ever do that or is it just me?
So sitting in the rocking chair offering F a bottle while she reaches up to pat my face with her little hand that seems to be getting chubbier and chubbier, so that I'll kiss the inside of her palm, I take a second to just look at her. God she is beautiful! I mean that, GOD you did GOOD! and she smiles that quirky smile up at me while the nipple on her bottle refills with air... I breathe in the smell of life renewed!
I feel like a totally different person lately. Like my life is starting to make sense, and it feels like not only will we survive this crazy life, but we will thrive! Contentment is a rare treat, like chocolate or ice cream, so good!
I did have a relapse yesterday and totally screamed at my husband for leaving me to do absolutely everything alone. It isn't true, he does help, I was just overwhelmed and then asked him if he could take on one responsibility on a regular basis, and he basically said "well that sounds like a good idea, but the couch is eating me right now." WHAT? yeah... he meant that he couldn't remove his bottom from the cushion because he was dead tired, and well 12 hour work days will do that to you, but I had very little sympathy (he even pointed this out to me) for him at that moment because my work day goes from 8am to 8pm, and then has short intervals at 10:30pm, 1:30am, and 4:20am EVERY night, and then there are the odd moments in between those that I have things to take care of because my little God given treasure is sick, had a bad dream or just needs their mama.... so my job is pretty much 24/7 and when was the last night I got more than 6 hours of sleep in a row? gosh I really don't know.. lets not think about it.
Anyway I totally didn't mean to go there! LOL. He did offer to do the job I'd held out on his days off... which sounds nice, but wont work with my new schedule making self.
I've found that being able to predict that my kids will get up at 8am have respective naps at respectable times and eat at other respectable times and play, watch tv, and go potty at other pretty well timed out times has really helped me to develop my ability to cope and thrive with my every day life. I've never been so happy!
Even as a working lady I HATED that I never had the same schedule two weeks in a row.. how was I meant to plan ANYTHING?
I found that I have the ability to slump into depression fairly easily and if I have a regular routine to follow it doesn't hit our house so hard because I can function on auto pilot until it is over and the house is still manageable when I return to happiness. And that feels like freedom, not captivity!
I have not even had to take a mommy time out lately! though I'm getting close to a need for one! I'm just thrilled that my life is going so smoothly after being a total wreck and my own mind taking control when it had no ability to only a few months ago.
Yay God for helping me to get this routine, for helping me to enjoy myself, and for giving me moments when I can sit in a rocking chair and kiss the inside of my darling baby girls palm and watch her smile up at me from the bottle that I may not have produced the contents myself, but I still can use our feeding time as a bonding time. Thank you for growing me so much this year, the year that I claim so much of your blessings and healings over my life!.
So sitting in the rocking chair offering F a bottle while she reaches up to pat my face with her little hand that seems to be getting chubbier and chubbier, so that I'll kiss the inside of her palm, I take a second to just look at her. God she is beautiful! I mean that, GOD you did GOOD! and she smiles that quirky smile up at me while the nipple on her bottle refills with air... I breathe in the smell of life renewed!
I feel like a totally different person lately. Like my life is starting to make sense, and it feels like not only will we survive this crazy life, but we will thrive! Contentment is a rare treat, like chocolate or ice cream, so good!
I did have a relapse yesterday and totally screamed at my husband for leaving me to do absolutely everything alone. It isn't true, he does help, I was just overwhelmed and then asked him if he could take on one responsibility on a regular basis, and he basically said "well that sounds like a good idea, but the couch is eating me right now." WHAT? yeah... he meant that he couldn't remove his bottom from the cushion because he was dead tired, and well 12 hour work days will do that to you, but I had very little sympathy (he even pointed this out to me) for him at that moment because my work day goes from 8am to 8pm, and then has short intervals at 10:30pm, 1:30am, and 4:20am EVERY night, and then there are the odd moments in between those that I have things to take care of because my little God given treasure is sick, had a bad dream or just needs their mama.... so my job is pretty much 24/7 and when was the last night I got more than 6 hours of sleep in a row? gosh I really don't know.. lets not think about it.
Anyway I totally didn't mean to go there! LOL. He did offer to do the job I'd held out on his days off... which sounds nice, but wont work with my new schedule making self.
I've found that being able to predict that my kids will get up at 8am have respective naps at respectable times and eat at other respectable times and play, watch tv, and go potty at other pretty well timed out times has really helped me to develop my ability to cope and thrive with my every day life. I've never been so happy!
Even as a working lady I HATED that I never had the same schedule two weeks in a row.. how was I meant to plan ANYTHING?
I found that I have the ability to slump into depression fairly easily and if I have a regular routine to follow it doesn't hit our house so hard because I can function on auto pilot until it is over and the house is still manageable when I return to happiness. And that feels like freedom, not captivity!
I have not even had to take a mommy time out lately! though I'm getting close to a need for one! I'm just thrilled that my life is going so smoothly after being a total wreck and my own mind taking control when it had no ability to only a few months ago.
Yay God for helping me to get this routine, for helping me to enjoy myself, and for giving me moments when I can sit in a rocking chair and kiss the inside of my darling baby girls palm and watch her smile up at me from the bottle that I may not have produced the contents myself, but I still can use our feeding time as a bonding time. Thank you for growing me so much this year, the year that I claim so much of your blessings and healings over my life!.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
they don't look like me?
I've got some gorgeous kids let me tell you! But honestly every time I hear someone say "Oh my gosh she looks just like P" I have this little voice in my head that says "Grr" and then I say out loud, "well actually she looks a lot like I did as an infant" and they take a second more skeptical look with the whole squinty eye thing going on, and then say doubtfully "yeah maybe" and the little voice in my head says "ah you can go suck an egg!"
Honestly, the day we got an ultrasound done for C I was so excited, the tech brought up that gorgeous profile shot and we saw all the detail in his precious face, and I instantly knew this boy looks just like his father! His forehead, his lips, his nose... all his fathers... and he's perfect! That is what boy should look like right? Like his father! when he was born they laid him on my chest and I took a deep concentrated look at his face, decided that the ultrasound had proven to be incredibly accurate at giving me the picture of what my boy would look like, and that he indeed looked just like his dad. The only people at that time to disagree were our mothers... His mother said that P never looked like that as a baby, and to that I said, I'm not talking about when he was a baby, I'm talking about now. And my mother said he looked like a (insert my maiden name here).... but we knew the truth, he looked like P, and we were proud of it!
Then we got our ultrasound for F. And again, the picture proved to tell us something of who our daughter would be when she was born... a girl of little chin! At the time I recognized it as my mother's chin, and told P that perhaps I had a chance of redeeming a child that looked at least like my side of the family if not like me.
When F was born I didn't see her right away due to my c-section, but as soon as I did see her and her full head of black hair and her peaceful face it reminded me of my own baby picture, only in my picture (take the day I was born) I was nearly 3lbs bigger than this tiny thing that they placed in my arms, but so far as anything else went I was convinced that I had a child who looked like me, at least more so than our son did.
BUT as life would have it NO ONE else agrees... well that isn't entirely true, a few people who when I ask them about it have indeed said that she does look like me, but the people who just come out with the comments on their own always say she looks like P. GRR says my little voice.. I carried these kids for 9 months, I grew and stretched and have the marks to prove it, I pushed one out of my body and the other was cut out of my womb, and yet they look nothing like me!
So I decided here and now to prove to myself that I was right, that at least one of them looks like their mommy.... so I went to this website, and entered in some photos and tried to figure out whether their 'advanced facial recognition software' or whatever would agree with me or the masses... and as it turns out C. according to one picture looks 7% more like me and is totally equal to me and his father on the alternative picture, and F. according to the only picture I tried looks equally like both her father and myself....
and the little voice in my head says GRRR.....
Honestly, the day we got an ultrasound done for C I was so excited, the tech brought up that gorgeous profile shot and we saw all the detail in his precious face, and I instantly knew this boy looks just like his father! His forehead, his lips, his nose... all his fathers... and he's perfect! That is what boy should look like right? Like his father! when he was born they laid him on my chest and I took a deep concentrated look at his face, decided that the ultrasound had proven to be incredibly accurate at giving me the picture of what my boy would look like, and that he indeed looked just like his dad. The only people at that time to disagree were our mothers... His mother said that P never looked like that as a baby, and to that I said, I'm not talking about when he was a baby, I'm talking about now. And my mother said he looked like a (insert my maiden name here).... but we knew the truth, he looked like P, and we were proud of it!
Then we got our ultrasound for F. And again, the picture proved to tell us something of who our daughter would be when she was born... a girl of little chin! At the time I recognized it as my mother's chin, and told P that perhaps I had a chance of redeeming a child that looked at least like my side of the family if not like me.
When F was born I didn't see her right away due to my c-section, but as soon as I did see her and her full head of black hair and her peaceful face it reminded me of my own baby picture, only in my picture (take the day I was born) I was nearly 3lbs bigger than this tiny thing that they placed in my arms, but so far as anything else went I was convinced that I had a child who looked like me, at least more so than our son did.
BUT as life would have it NO ONE else agrees... well that isn't entirely true, a few people who when I ask them about it have indeed said that she does look like me, but the people who just come out with the comments on their own always say she looks like P. GRR says my little voice.. I carried these kids for 9 months, I grew and stretched and have the marks to prove it, I pushed one out of my body and the other was cut out of my womb, and yet they look nothing like me!
So I decided here and now to prove to myself that I was right, that at least one of them looks like their mommy.... so I went to this website, and entered in some photos and tried to figure out whether their 'advanced facial recognition software' or whatever would agree with me or the masses... and as it turns out C. according to one picture looks 7% more like me and is totally equal to me and his father on the alternative picture, and F. according to the only picture I tried looks equally like both her father and myself....
and the little voice in my head says GRRR.....
Saturday, July 16, 2011
hmmm funny stuff
So among other things I've been reading a bit of blogs lately... not because I particularly love following people's blogs, but because Facebook and my lovely friends advertise them so well.. and I've seen some really great ones lately.
One of them was talking about Motherhood and the value of kids, and I totally agree with the author, but it made me start to think about my role as a mom, and how much value I actually place on it.
In some ways I put all the 'right' emphasis and value on it, but in other's it is not as important as maybe it should be. But then I think it is a mater of balance. I NEED to have a break once in awhile to just breathe, errrr well sleep... Do you KNOW how great it is when you have had a week of 'off days' then get a full nights sleep, or at least half of a night as opposed to the three minutes you'd been getting? I find that the route of my problems lies in sleep! I never knew how great I could feel if I just got the proper amount of sleep!
I did let go of SEVERAL of my worries, or jobs, just so that I could actually focus on my kids. I began to realize that there are 2 things that make this house function for me... 1. getting a good amount of sleep, and 2. routine.
ROUTINE?
yes, you read that right! No one reading this likely knows me much at all, but if you did you would know that I NEVER had a routine EVER! I mean at school where my classes were in the same order every day, but that was it! As a kid, and as a teen I craved the loose freedom that my parents were so great at giving, but in retrospect I probably would have been a much more successful student, and a better wife when I first became one if I'd had some sort of structure to my life way back then.
Right now I know exactly what to do at what time, and the routine is pretty flexible, that is the key all you people who have schedules and feel like your going crazy.... you have to be flexible, I have 'round about' times to achieve my goals, or time periods in which I get my junk taken care of.
So here is a sample of my month....
So when I have both Sleep and Routine, I find that things like the Laundry and dishes get done more often, the floor has been vacuumed and the house has a general feeling of a being a bit more tidy... That is also helped by the fact that I have a running schedule for the laundry every week.
Monday C gets his done.. why Monday? because C is close to the beginning of the alphabet and Monday is close to the beginning of the week if not actually the beginning depending on how you look at it.
Tuesday Towels... they both start with T
Wednesday P. and I get clean clothes... ummm hmmm I can't only explain this by saying that P. and I equal We and We is the beginning of WEdnesday.
Thursday... originally I left this open but since C. is potty training I usually can fill a load of essentials this day, sheets from his bed, underwear that are piling in the bathroom basket and the like.
Friday F gets her laundry done, you can guess how I came up with that one!
Saturday I wash sheets.. well they need washing and this makes me change them regularly, and C. and F. do a goo job of leaking on theirs so doing them once a week is actually a few times to little for us right now, which is why we have Thursday...
And Sunday.. it is a day of rest right? so actually I just didn't come up with anything clever for this day but I think it is convenient that I have no laundry to do on that day!
I'm still working on schedules and ways to remember other things like the dishes and vacuum if you have any suggestions I'd love it. My therapist says I should just never go to bed without a clean sink, and Flylady agrees with her, but I really value this time at night where I can just relax and DO WHAT I WANT TO DO... so I don't want to do my dishes before bed. I'm thinking that maybe I just have to train my hubby to take care of dinner.. he always leaves the table before everyone is finished, he can pick up the dishes and throw them in the dishwasher right? I would just have to make sure that I emptied it.. and I can do that in the morning I think... maybe.
Anyway I started all of this schedule sharing to say that having this routine lets me know each and every step of my day, helps my kids to sleep at night, and it also helps me to calm down and teach them the really important things, like God's love, how to dance, how to clean up, what responsibilities they can take on.. C. has been helping me cook and set the table for dinner for nearly a month now, and though it looks AWESOME the way he sets it and it really isn't incredibly correct, he is doing fabulous. And by helping me cook he really just ends up being my bus boy taking things to the trash as I empty wrappers and clean out vegetables. He's good at helping, and loves to do it... even when I tell him no.
Have a fabulous night!
One of them was talking about Motherhood and the value of kids, and I totally agree with the author, but it made me start to think about my role as a mom, and how much value I actually place on it.
In some ways I put all the 'right' emphasis and value on it, but in other's it is not as important as maybe it should be. But then I think it is a mater of balance. I NEED to have a break once in awhile to just breathe, errrr well sleep... Do you KNOW how great it is when you have had a week of 'off days' then get a full nights sleep, or at least half of a night as opposed to the three minutes you'd been getting? I find that the route of my problems lies in sleep! I never knew how great I could feel if I just got the proper amount of sleep!
I did let go of SEVERAL of my worries, or jobs, just so that I could actually focus on my kids. I began to realize that there are 2 things that make this house function for me... 1. getting a good amount of sleep, and 2. routine.
ROUTINE?
yes, you read that right! No one reading this likely knows me much at all, but if you did you would know that I NEVER had a routine EVER! I mean at school where my classes were in the same order every day, but that was it! As a kid, and as a teen I craved the loose freedom that my parents were so great at giving, but in retrospect I probably would have been a much more successful student, and a better wife when I first became one if I'd had some sort of structure to my life way back then.
Right now I know exactly what to do at what time, and the routine is pretty flexible, that is the key all you people who have schedules and feel like your going crazy.... you have to be flexible, I have 'round about' times to achieve my goals, or time periods in which I get my junk taken care of.
So here is a sample of my month....
Here is my Daily schedule... loosely formated.
So when I have both Sleep and Routine, I find that things like the Laundry and dishes get done more often, the floor has been vacuumed and the house has a general feeling of a being a bit more tidy... That is also helped by the fact that I have a running schedule for the laundry every week.
Monday C gets his done.. why Monday? because C is close to the beginning of the alphabet and Monday is close to the beginning of the week if not actually the beginning depending on how you look at it.
Tuesday Towels... they both start with T
Wednesday P. and I get clean clothes... ummm hmmm I can't only explain this by saying that P. and I equal We and We is the beginning of WEdnesday.
Thursday... originally I left this open but since C. is potty training I usually can fill a load of essentials this day, sheets from his bed, underwear that are piling in the bathroom basket and the like.
Friday F gets her laundry done, you can guess how I came up with that one!
Saturday I wash sheets.. well they need washing and this makes me change them regularly, and C. and F. do a goo job of leaking on theirs so doing them once a week is actually a few times to little for us right now, which is why we have Thursday...
And Sunday.. it is a day of rest right? so actually I just didn't come up with anything clever for this day but I think it is convenient that I have no laundry to do on that day!
I'm still working on schedules and ways to remember other things like the dishes and vacuum if you have any suggestions I'd love it. My therapist says I should just never go to bed without a clean sink, and Flylady agrees with her, but I really value this time at night where I can just relax and DO WHAT I WANT TO DO... so I don't want to do my dishes before bed. I'm thinking that maybe I just have to train my hubby to take care of dinner.. he always leaves the table before everyone is finished, he can pick up the dishes and throw them in the dishwasher right? I would just have to make sure that I emptied it.. and I can do that in the morning I think... maybe.
Anyway I started all of this schedule sharing to say that having this routine lets me know each and every step of my day, helps my kids to sleep at night, and it also helps me to calm down and teach them the really important things, like God's love, how to dance, how to clean up, what responsibilities they can take on.. C. has been helping me cook and set the table for dinner for nearly a month now, and though it looks AWESOME the way he sets it and it really isn't incredibly correct, he is doing fabulous. And by helping me cook he really just ends up being my bus boy taking things to the trash as I empty wrappers and clean out vegetables. He's good at helping, and loves to do it... even when I tell him no.
Have a fabulous night!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Breastfeeding
F never really latched well, well enough to maintain her weight for a month, but then she started to lose it again and my doctor said enough is a enough and demanded that I switch to pumping. She was very forceful about the fact that she wanted F to receive breast milk but was not flexible at all about how she would receive it... ie through a bottle not the breast.
So I kept it up for 6 months... I pumped at first ever 2 hours to build up my supply, then every 3-4 hours to give myself a break, then every 5 because the schedule worked out better for me, and that was about 4 times a day, and then I decided to start actually weaning my breasts from the pump and made the switch to 3 times a day thinking that schedule would work for a month, but it didn't, I kept forgetting that middle pumping cause it didn't work out to be next to anything important at about 3pm. so there wasn't a marker in my day to remind me about it, and I'd often remember at dinner around 6pm that I hadn't done it yet.
So then I decided "I can't remember it anyway I'll just drop that middle one" and I'd only been doing that for 1.5 weeks.. well once I switched to 3 times my supply went from 24oz to 16oz and it seemed stupid... but when I started doing 2x a day the drop wasn't that big 14oz... so you'd think I could just keep it up, but no, after 2 days of the new schedule I just decided I can't keep playing this game anymore.
The only reason I was still doing it is because I never set a cut off date, and I just wanted to make it till 'tomorrow' only tomorrow never really came, it was just another tomorrow and I'm sick of it! You'll all be thinking 'just stop then!' but if any of you have ever been through this you will know it is a hard decision, like when to wean a baby from your breast, how long do you provide 'the good stuff' and when do you stop feeling guilty about not providing it any longer.
The answer with C was 1 year, and I stopped two days before he turned 1, and I felt guilty, but I was only nursing once a day at that point anyway and two days in a row I had things that would take me away from him during our normal nursing time so I stopped two days early and convinced myself to be ok with it, even though I felt horrible.
When I was pregnant with F and rocking C in his rocking chair and reading him stories before bedtime I would dream up little moments when I'd still nurse my new baby at C's current age (the age he was when I was pregnant for F)... I convinced myself that I really did want to nurse longer this time, to have that special bond with my baby, to provide the antibodies against illness (especially since right after quitting with C we moved and the whole family got sick and we are looking at that same time frame for F and a big move plus a trip to New Zealand), so it seemed like the best option to let her self wean, and just see how long we could hold onto that special bond.
So you can imagine when the Dr told me to start pumping, my first question was "how long do you think before I can start bringing her back to the breast?" and her answer was a short "never"... it hit me hard. And now I'm so glad to be rid of the pump, but I'm also really sad because every once in awhile I will sit with my breast exposed next to F as she sips from her bottle or suckles her paci, hoping that once she falls asleep I can convince her that she wants 'me' instead of the imitation... and if I am not pumping anymore then I'm going to stop producing and if I stop producing then there is no hope of her EVER taking my breast, or having any reason to.
I feel torn. It took forever for me to bond with her, and now I feel like I can, but i also want to provide her with all the same opportunities as I have with C, partially out of guilt because I bonded instantly to C and it took weeks/months for F and I to bond, but partially because I just want to give my kids the best. I know that a lot of you will say that I am doing that, and that giving her breast milk as long as I have is great and that formula if it is better for our family life is better since it creates less stress on me, but honestly I know all that, and my therapist tells me it too, but I'm still angry because I know also that the antibodies, the bacteria, and the nutrients in breast milk are SO much better than formula.. not that formula is bad, it just isn't as good... so I feel like a major looser quitting when everything was going just fine with the pump just because I'm sick of it. And that really is the only reason I'm quitting, I'm just sick of pumping.
Ehh... give me some soothing words to relieve my mind PLEASE!
So I kept it up for 6 months... I pumped at first ever 2 hours to build up my supply, then every 3-4 hours to give myself a break, then every 5 because the schedule worked out better for me, and that was about 4 times a day, and then I decided to start actually weaning my breasts from the pump and made the switch to 3 times a day thinking that schedule would work for a month, but it didn't, I kept forgetting that middle pumping cause it didn't work out to be next to anything important at about 3pm. so there wasn't a marker in my day to remind me about it, and I'd often remember at dinner around 6pm that I hadn't done it yet.
So then I decided "I can't remember it anyway I'll just drop that middle one" and I'd only been doing that for 1.5 weeks.. well once I switched to 3 times my supply went from 24oz to 16oz and it seemed stupid... but when I started doing 2x a day the drop wasn't that big 14oz... so you'd think I could just keep it up, but no, after 2 days of the new schedule I just decided I can't keep playing this game anymore.
The only reason I was still doing it is because I never set a cut off date, and I just wanted to make it till 'tomorrow' only tomorrow never really came, it was just another tomorrow and I'm sick of it! You'll all be thinking 'just stop then!' but if any of you have ever been through this you will know it is a hard decision, like when to wean a baby from your breast, how long do you provide 'the good stuff' and when do you stop feeling guilty about not providing it any longer.
The answer with C was 1 year, and I stopped two days before he turned 1, and I felt guilty, but I was only nursing once a day at that point anyway and two days in a row I had things that would take me away from him during our normal nursing time so I stopped two days early and convinced myself to be ok with it, even though I felt horrible.
When I was pregnant with F and rocking C in his rocking chair and reading him stories before bedtime I would dream up little moments when I'd still nurse my new baby at C's current age (the age he was when I was pregnant for F)... I convinced myself that I really did want to nurse longer this time, to have that special bond with my baby, to provide the antibodies against illness (especially since right after quitting with C we moved and the whole family got sick and we are looking at that same time frame for F and a big move plus a trip to New Zealand), so it seemed like the best option to let her self wean, and just see how long we could hold onto that special bond.
So you can imagine when the Dr told me to start pumping, my first question was "how long do you think before I can start bringing her back to the breast?" and her answer was a short "never"... it hit me hard. And now I'm so glad to be rid of the pump, but I'm also really sad because every once in awhile I will sit with my breast exposed next to F as she sips from her bottle or suckles her paci, hoping that once she falls asleep I can convince her that she wants 'me' instead of the imitation... and if I am not pumping anymore then I'm going to stop producing and if I stop producing then there is no hope of her EVER taking my breast, or having any reason to.
I feel torn. It took forever for me to bond with her, and now I feel like I can, but i also want to provide her with all the same opportunities as I have with C, partially out of guilt because I bonded instantly to C and it took weeks/months for F and I to bond, but partially because I just want to give my kids the best. I know that a lot of you will say that I am doing that, and that giving her breast milk as long as I have is great and that formula if it is better for our family life is better since it creates less stress on me, but honestly I know all that, and my therapist tells me it too, but I'm still angry because I know also that the antibodies, the bacteria, and the nutrients in breast milk are SO much better than formula.. not that formula is bad, it just isn't as good... so I feel like a major looser quitting when everything was going just fine with the pump just because I'm sick of it. And that really is the only reason I'm quitting, I'm just sick of pumping.
Ehh... give me some soothing words to relieve my mind PLEASE!
Friday, June 24, 2011
tired and repressed
I've only got a minute to write this out, so much to do, so little time to do it in, but I needed to take a me break for a moment and just say that the more pressure I feel to start taking care of myself, the more demands my family seems to come up with!
P's mom is ill so he's stressed.
C is clingy and anxious
F is a baby and even though she's getting better she still has lots of needs
P works from 4am till about 2pm and so has to go to bed at 7-8pm
P is sick now.
C and F needed baths tonight....
I was supposed to pump at 6pm and due to dinner and movie rental returns, baths and well anything else that you can think of I didn't actually do it until 8pm. Ahhh, so also I rented a movie for myself thinking I'd curl up on the couch and have a bit of 'mommy time' but it isn't going to happen cause dinner dishes are collecting knats and my husband requested that I fix him a lunch 'when ever I have time' and I've got to pump at 11pm and it is 9:30pm now.. so I can't possibly watch a whole movie before i go to bed imediately after I pump.. so much for that idea. I guess i'll have another glass of milk and 5 bite size melted and resolidified candybars.
P's mom is ill so he's stressed.
C is clingy and anxious
F is a baby and even though she's getting better she still has lots of needs
P works from 4am till about 2pm and so has to go to bed at 7-8pm
P is sick now.
C and F needed baths tonight....
I was supposed to pump at 6pm and due to dinner and movie rental returns, baths and well anything else that you can think of I didn't actually do it until 8pm. Ahhh, so also I rented a movie for myself thinking I'd curl up on the couch and have a bit of 'mommy time' but it isn't going to happen cause dinner dishes are collecting knats and my husband requested that I fix him a lunch 'when ever I have time' and I've got to pump at 11pm and it is 9:30pm now.. so I can't possibly watch a whole movie before i go to bed imediately after I pump.. so much for that idea. I guess i'll have another glass of milk and 5 bite size melted and resolidified candybars.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Learning to appreciate me.
Therapy today was wonderful, I was full of anxiety before my appointment because there is so much going on and I just knew I was going to cry. It wasn't that I didn't want to go, or that I didn't want to cry, it was just a problem because crying isn't ok in my mind... neither am I... I'll explain.
We talked about a LOT of issues! P's mom and her diagnosis, How P is doing, How C has been SUPER clingy lately especially when in trouble.. he just runs at me and throws his arms around my legs and acts all dramatic if anything isn't going his way... it is so weird. More on that later. We talked about how F is doing better at sleeping, how my sister and one of my closest friends just had emergency c-sections, and how I have created a schedule to make sure that my children get baths (I'll explain more later).
first things first, P's mom and her issues. I personally have issues, I don't really like her, I would never wish harm on her or try to make P feel like I do, or anything, but the fact is that if we were even in the same age group she would be that girl I didn't want to hang out with but would occassionally because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. P is convinced that I would feel differently and that we would be best friends. I mean this is his MOM that I'm talking about... of course he would want the woman he Loves and the woman he loves to like each other. I capatalized that one Loves on purpose, it was how he said it, I asked him which woman was me, not that it really would have matered, but he assured me I'm the one with the capital L.
Anyway, my therapist said that I should view my family and life as a spinning top and realize that with my hubby right now he's going to be spinning like crazy, and our life might be wobbly but I need to be the center, meaning that he can get stressed out or be all lovey to me, and either way I'm his rock, his stability.. this seems overwhelming to me, I told her I'd try....but sometimes I feel like that is asking SOOO much! at the same time it is exactly what I need to be doing and what I want to be doing.
Next, C... oh my that boy! He makes me feel good when I see him running at me, like I can solve all his problems with a little hug.. but that isn't why he's running at me. He wants reassurance, he wants to know that when things are not going right that mommy will still be there to love on him. That is compounded by the fact that he doesn't know where 'home' is right now. We just came back from my sister in laws house, we stayed there for almost 2 weeks and then came home. C said today as I was tucking him into his bed after waking him with the vacum that he wanted to 'go our other house'. I told him we didnt' have another house, that we were home, and that we wouldn't be leaving again for a long time. I felt bad, we left so quickly, and then again rather suddenly without explaining anything to him.. no wonder he's clinging to me, he's nervous he might get lost in all this moving around and left behind! My therapist said that was probably true but while reassuring him that no one would forget him I also should not give him the attention he's asking for when he clings to me like that, but instead to wait until his method of soothing changes to something more acceptable (since I can't walk with him stuck to me) and then acknowledge him and find out ways to get him to be obedient to the need of the moment but not to let his clinging to me get the credit for anything.
My sister and friend's c-sections... gosh the pain from my own FLARED up when I heard about my sisters... hers was after my friends. R(my therapist) said that it was normal and that my body was working on another stage of healing and that it was good that I was remembering things. I don't know about that... I mean maybe in the long run, but at the moment I'm no so thrilled about remembering them!
Then we got into weird talk.... i mentioned the bath schedule and how I was going to force myself to get through this fear that they will drown by just bathing them anyway, and trying to focus on the positives of bathing them, like that F is only 6 months old but can splash higher than C who is 2, and how cute it is for them to bathe and play in the water. How it is actually helping F's excema rather than making it worse, and several other things. Then R asked me about my own baths. I told her I take showers, and i guess from my ton of voice she realized I don't like them. Which is funny cause I don't.
So heres the back log on how I don't like me!
I don't like to be naked, never have for as long as I can remember. I don't know why, I'm just not comfortable with me, and clothes do a pretty good job of hiding my body, or making it look better. As a preteen I was told that my ribs stuck out and that it made me look like I had four developing boobs instead of two... talk about embarassing! And then there was that I like baths, I find comfort in the fact that bubbles and water can at least distort the image of my body unclathed, and the 'wall' of the tub can 'hide' me from anyone who might walk into the room. I also don't like it when P opens the bathroom door while I'm on the toilet.. I just can't stand being naked or exposed in any way.... however marriage has changed some things.. I am ok so long as I can imagine that P likes the way I look when we are in bed... ok that is about the only thing that has changed... Anyway, I just don't like the thought of being expossed.
R said that it was a shame that I didn't enjoy showers, because it was one of her favorite times in her day, relaxing and messing with the temperatures in the shower and just taking her sweet time... it sounds great, but showers are for business I guess. You get in you get clean and you get out. Yeah that's what my mom said!
Here is something else my mom said "you are too old for baths", She didn't respect my fear of my brothers spying on me, though I'm pretty sure they didn't. She didn't understand me at all... which isn't a huge deal, but R said it was a shame my mom didn't take my concerns seriously. I guess that would have been nice.
My biggest concern 'was' that I teach my children something that my parents never taught me, but expected me to know... 'how to take care of my body'. I never learned how to wear make up, protested it actually, never knew how to take care of my hair and it was always frizzy and out of control, but I didn't know it could look better, I brushed it! I didn't know how to shave my legs, and for my 13th birthday I got a brand new razor and was told to go take a shower.. I felt like telling my mom she just handed me a gun and stood me in the middle of a crouded room and told me to shoot a target I couldn't see without hitting any of the people in the room.. but I managed. When it came to my period, I guess I just knew some of the things I needed to know, but not all of them... and what I didn't know I found out.
Heres a tid bit bright and pretty.. R asked me if I knew anything about my female parts and I laughed and told her my embarassing story... before P and I got married he said something about how it'd be nice if I shaved, we'd never had sex so I thought 'maybe I'll try to do that...? So I did and to my surprize things that are covered with hair don't look anything like they do without and I honestly thought I was broken.. I looked up pictures on line and the whole time was swearing under my breathe that I just wanted to make sure I was normal and didn't really want to see other girl's vaginas, but of course that is what I saw and as quickly as my eyes could send the message to my brain that I was normal I closed the webpage and deleted my brousing history.. I lived in a jr apartment alone, who would have been looking at my browser history?
So anyway.. R informed me that 1. I need to take a bath if that is what makes me comfortable, it certainly is a shame the water doesn't cover my body like it did when I was a kid though. And 2. I need to be more comfortable with myself.
I think I have a lot of shame pent up in me, for nothing too! I am ashamed when I cry because I was a super emotional child and my mom once told me I was ugly when I cried. I'm afraid to be naked because perverts could be watching (where does that come from?)... actually I know where that comes from... it comes from my 1st boyfriend.. I was in kindergarten.. yeah... he was my 1st boyfriend, my 2nd was when I turned 16. Anyway, once at his house he showed me a tiny hole in the wall on the back side of the bathroom, no one would have ever noticed it before, but he did, and he used to watch someone, I can't remember who, get changed in the bathroom... And then later I discovered that there was a similar hole in the wall in my own bathroom, you had to be in the stairwell going to the basement, and the basement had nothing in it so the only reason anyone would be in the stairwell was to look through that hole (at least in my mind anyway).
And then there is the ONE time I ever ventured a look at myself, I must have been in 1st grade, I saw, and then I stopped, and never looked again. Not sure why, but I was ashamed that I'd even looked then.
Gahh.. so i guess when you hear that therapists and pychologist want to blame everything on your childhood.. maybe there is some truth to that.. I mean I'm finding a lot of things from my past have really come to bite me now!
Anyway.. I'm tired and need to get to bed.. just thought I'd share, I'm sure you wanted to know all about how uncomfortable I am naked and how I hate crying in front of people because it isn't something they should see.
We talked about a LOT of issues! P's mom and her diagnosis, How P is doing, How C has been SUPER clingy lately especially when in trouble.. he just runs at me and throws his arms around my legs and acts all dramatic if anything isn't going his way... it is so weird. More on that later. We talked about how F is doing better at sleeping, how my sister and one of my closest friends just had emergency c-sections, and how I have created a schedule to make sure that my children get baths (I'll explain more later).
first things first, P's mom and her issues. I personally have issues, I don't really like her, I would never wish harm on her or try to make P feel like I do, or anything, but the fact is that if we were even in the same age group she would be that girl I didn't want to hang out with but would occassionally because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. P is convinced that I would feel differently and that we would be best friends. I mean this is his MOM that I'm talking about... of course he would want the woman he Loves and the woman he loves to like each other. I capatalized that one Loves on purpose, it was how he said it, I asked him which woman was me, not that it really would have matered, but he assured me I'm the one with the capital L.
Anyway, my therapist said that I should view my family and life as a spinning top and realize that with my hubby right now he's going to be spinning like crazy, and our life might be wobbly but I need to be the center, meaning that he can get stressed out or be all lovey to me, and either way I'm his rock, his stability.. this seems overwhelming to me, I told her I'd try....but sometimes I feel like that is asking SOOO much! at the same time it is exactly what I need to be doing and what I want to be doing.
Next, C... oh my that boy! He makes me feel good when I see him running at me, like I can solve all his problems with a little hug.. but that isn't why he's running at me. He wants reassurance, he wants to know that when things are not going right that mommy will still be there to love on him. That is compounded by the fact that he doesn't know where 'home' is right now. We just came back from my sister in laws house, we stayed there for almost 2 weeks and then came home. C said today as I was tucking him into his bed after waking him with the vacum that he wanted to 'go our other house'. I told him we didnt' have another house, that we were home, and that we wouldn't be leaving again for a long time. I felt bad, we left so quickly, and then again rather suddenly without explaining anything to him.. no wonder he's clinging to me, he's nervous he might get lost in all this moving around and left behind! My therapist said that was probably true but while reassuring him that no one would forget him I also should not give him the attention he's asking for when he clings to me like that, but instead to wait until his method of soothing changes to something more acceptable (since I can't walk with him stuck to me) and then acknowledge him and find out ways to get him to be obedient to the need of the moment but not to let his clinging to me get the credit for anything.
My sister and friend's c-sections... gosh the pain from my own FLARED up when I heard about my sisters... hers was after my friends. R(my therapist) said that it was normal and that my body was working on another stage of healing and that it was good that I was remembering things. I don't know about that... I mean maybe in the long run, but at the moment I'm no so thrilled about remembering them!
Then we got into weird talk.... i mentioned the bath schedule and how I was going to force myself to get through this fear that they will drown by just bathing them anyway, and trying to focus on the positives of bathing them, like that F is only 6 months old but can splash higher than C who is 2, and how cute it is for them to bathe and play in the water. How it is actually helping F's excema rather than making it worse, and several other things. Then R asked me about my own baths. I told her I take showers, and i guess from my ton of voice she realized I don't like them. Which is funny cause I don't.
So heres the back log on how I don't like me!
I don't like to be naked, never have for as long as I can remember. I don't know why, I'm just not comfortable with me, and clothes do a pretty good job of hiding my body, or making it look better. As a preteen I was told that my ribs stuck out and that it made me look like I had four developing boobs instead of two... talk about embarassing! And then there was that I like baths, I find comfort in the fact that bubbles and water can at least distort the image of my body unclathed, and the 'wall' of the tub can 'hide' me from anyone who might walk into the room. I also don't like it when P opens the bathroom door while I'm on the toilet.. I just can't stand being naked or exposed in any way.... however marriage has changed some things.. I am ok so long as I can imagine that P likes the way I look when we are in bed... ok that is about the only thing that has changed... Anyway, I just don't like the thought of being expossed.
R said that it was a shame that I didn't enjoy showers, because it was one of her favorite times in her day, relaxing and messing with the temperatures in the shower and just taking her sweet time... it sounds great, but showers are for business I guess. You get in you get clean and you get out. Yeah that's what my mom said!
Here is something else my mom said "you are too old for baths", She didn't respect my fear of my brothers spying on me, though I'm pretty sure they didn't. She didn't understand me at all... which isn't a huge deal, but R said it was a shame my mom didn't take my concerns seriously. I guess that would have been nice.
My biggest concern 'was' that I teach my children something that my parents never taught me, but expected me to know... 'how to take care of my body'. I never learned how to wear make up, protested it actually, never knew how to take care of my hair and it was always frizzy and out of control, but I didn't know it could look better, I brushed it! I didn't know how to shave my legs, and for my 13th birthday I got a brand new razor and was told to go take a shower.. I felt like telling my mom she just handed me a gun and stood me in the middle of a crouded room and told me to shoot a target I couldn't see without hitting any of the people in the room.. but I managed. When it came to my period, I guess I just knew some of the things I needed to know, but not all of them... and what I didn't know I found out.
Heres a tid bit bright and pretty.. R asked me if I knew anything about my female parts and I laughed and told her my embarassing story... before P and I got married he said something about how it'd be nice if I shaved, we'd never had sex so I thought 'maybe I'll try to do that...? So I did and to my surprize things that are covered with hair don't look anything like they do without and I honestly thought I was broken.. I looked up pictures on line and the whole time was swearing under my breathe that I just wanted to make sure I was normal and didn't really want to see other girl's vaginas, but of course that is what I saw and as quickly as my eyes could send the message to my brain that I was normal I closed the webpage and deleted my brousing history.. I lived in a jr apartment alone, who would have been looking at my browser history?
So anyway.. R informed me that 1. I need to take a bath if that is what makes me comfortable, it certainly is a shame the water doesn't cover my body like it did when I was a kid though. And 2. I need to be more comfortable with myself.
I think I have a lot of shame pent up in me, for nothing too! I am ashamed when I cry because I was a super emotional child and my mom once told me I was ugly when I cried. I'm afraid to be naked because perverts could be watching (where does that come from?)... actually I know where that comes from... it comes from my 1st boyfriend.. I was in kindergarten.. yeah... he was my 1st boyfriend, my 2nd was when I turned 16. Anyway, once at his house he showed me a tiny hole in the wall on the back side of the bathroom, no one would have ever noticed it before, but he did, and he used to watch someone, I can't remember who, get changed in the bathroom... And then later I discovered that there was a similar hole in the wall in my own bathroom, you had to be in the stairwell going to the basement, and the basement had nothing in it so the only reason anyone would be in the stairwell was to look through that hole (at least in my mind anyway).
And then there is the ONE time I ever ventured a look at myself, I must have been in 1st grade, I saw, and then I stopped, and never looked again. Not sure why, but I was ashamed that I'd even looked then.
Gahh.. so i guess when you hear that therapists and pychologist want to blame everything on your childhood.. maybe there is some truth to that.. I mean I'm finding a lot of things from my past have really come to bite me now!
Anyway.. I'm tired and need to get to bed.. just thought I'd share, I'm sure you wanted to know all about how uncomfortable I am naked and how I hate crying in front of people because it isn't something they should see.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)