Mommy and Me

Mommy and Me
Sharing life with you is fullfilling

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Sometimes life is not nice

I can't complain too much. .. but I am incredibly nauseous right now.  It doesn't matter that the reason has nothing to do with the miscarriage, or that nausea is not the only thing ailing me right now. 
If life were fair then people who have terrible morning sickness in pregnancy should not have any in the months following a miscarriage.
That is all.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

The results are in

So it turns out the testing was limited to one test, and the results are in. Our family will remain mostly unchanged.  I however will be changed forever.
Last December just as my cycle was ending and a new month was beginning I lay in bed taking my temperature,  doing my best to be faithful to the promise I have made to my husband to give him all the information I could regarding my cycles and letting him and God choose what would happen.  I distinctly heard the voice of the Holy Spirit speak to me. "Trust me" he said. I almost laughed out loud.  I knew he meant that I was going to become pregnant again.  I felt that God should have been telling Patrick that, not me.
Sure enough my cycle was CRAZY and Patrick and I miscommunicated a few times leading us both to believe our family size was probably about to change.  I was excited and nervous,  Patrick didn't want more kids, but I knew he would warm up to it.
The day my period was due I took a test,  it was faint but positive.  A few hours later the line had disappeared but I knew what I saw. I had jokingly told Patrick that if I was pregnant I was going to have his best friend tell him. The idea had really grown on me, so I called our friends and let them decide how to give Patrick our wonderful news.
That night as we celebrated Art's 30th birthday he opened his presents and then gave a gift to Patrick saying he was sorry that he hadn't bought Patrick a Christmas present last month and that here was his late gift.
The box was big. Patrick opened it and out popped three balloons with the words "welcome baby" written on them, and four pictures of a positive pregnancy test. .. not mine since the line had disappeared. On each picture was written the words "congratulations on baby #4". Patrick was dumbfounded for a minute and then he came and hugged me. It was the best announcement ever!
I took another test the next morning and again saw a faint positive line that again disappeared a few hours later. I know a positive is a positive and all but I wanted that dang line to stay in place. So I bought another test, this time one with pink dye as those are supposed to be less faulty.  I couldn't wait to take it so I went to the bathroom and took it when Patrick was having a nap. I showed it to him and felt like a kid at easter searching for eggs, only instead of eggs I wanted a cheerful expression from my husband.
The line on the pink dye test stayed... it is still there now.
The following Friday I decided to tell my mom. She was surprisingly supportive.  I thought at least she would have picked on us for getting pregnant so quickly after saying we were done, and at most she would have only faked her excitement,  but she didn't,  she was fully supportive.  And happy even. I asked her what changed, a year earlier she and my sister individually gave me the birth control talk... she said I had matured a lot since then.  I don't necessarily agree but it was a compliment from my mother and I will take it.
On Monday morning at 4 am I woke up to bleeding.  Our baby was leaving us so shortly after arriving in our lives.  I bled for two days and spotted for about another 4 or 5, it wasn't as painful as I thought it would be, and didn't last as long, wasn't even a typical period amount of blood, hope started building inside my heart.
I read everything I could find on the Internet,  someone said vanishing twin syndrome, I prayed but I felt empty. A week went by and I needed to know if my baby was still there so I scheduled a visit with a midwife who could test my blood and see what was going on. We expected two tests, one for a base line and one to see the changes in my hormone levels, I would only get one.
The morning of the test I was totally stressed out. I yelled at the kids and broke down crying more than once... I am ashamed of my behavior to be honest.  I also felt nauseous which I took to be a good sign.
After having my blood drawn I was feeling good about the possibility of still being pregnant.  I had read about breakthrough bleeding and that bleeding in pregnancy happens in a lot of cases (not any of mine but Jaemi's, but every pregnancy is different right) I even read it was more common in twin pregnancy and that usually both babies were fine. I hoped for twins. Hoped badly that this could all be explained by the presence of twins in my uterus.
Thursday at 10 I should have expected a call from the midwife.  She called at 8. She immediately explained that she was so sorry to tell me my baby was gone,  not going, gone.
Hcg levels are supposed to double every 3-4 days,  you can have up to a 10 any day without pregnancy,  mine was less than 2.
I had spent a whole 4 days building up hope in something that had already happened/disappeared,  something and someone I would never meet, and because I had hoped the news was doubly good, when it wasn't it felt doubly bad.
I called Patrick and he came home to be with me. I didn't necessarily feel like he should leave work, but I am so glad he did.
We named our baby Sara Lynn.  Sara was the name Patrick choose and Lynn because my mother's middle name is Lynn and she was far nicer to me than I had expected her to be. It is sort of becoming a tradition to name our lost babies after people who out of nowhere show kindness that wasn't expected or deserved when we are loosing a baby.  Jaemi Hale was a compilation of a family of people who cared for me while I lost him/her. Jamean Amy and Haley.
Sara is my lost princess. I woke up a few days before I got that positive pregnancy test thinking to myself, "this baby is a girl"... I didn't know I was pregnant then so I brushed it off until after the test, and then I knew like I knew with Fia... I was having a girl.
Now my girl is in heaven, with Jaemi,  and I don't even know why. I do however trust that God is in control. .. and one day my heart will mend a little and I will see my children in heaven one day.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015


Over the course of the next few days I will be subject to a few tests that will very much decide the direction of our family.  Am I excited about this?  Yes and profoundly no.
I would love to divulge what is happening but would rather wait until I have at least some answers. So for now I am asking that if anyone is reading this, please pray. For me, for the outcome of the testing,  and for my family.
The amazing thing is that God has already given me so many answers. The first being that a few weeks ago, before this test was even on my radar the Holy Spirit spoke to me one morning, saying "trust me" and I of course said I would.
Then a few rough and questionable weeks passed and this testing has become the answer to some questions.  And this morning, the morning of the first test, I read the verse of the day on the you version app on my phone, it was psalm 27:14 "wait on the Lord, be of good courage, he shall strengthen thine heart, wait on the Lord"
I trust, and I will allow God to hold me up while I am in such an uncertain place.
Will you let God hold you up today?

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

My cleaning schedule

Bare with me if you have read this before, I promised to send this to a friend and then couldn't find it... oh yes that is what tags are for! Now I know.
Anyway this is how I start out the week with goals of what to accomplish.
Monday - Boys
Wash their laundry, get them to clean their room including vacuuming and washing the windows.
Tuesday- Towels
Wash towels and clean at least one of my bathrooms top to bottom.  This doesn't take long if you really think about it. So don't freak out.
Wednesday- We
(There is a method to my madness, it doesn't much matter how you set up your week so long as you can remember why each day is set aside for that task)
Wash the hubby's and my laundry
Clean my bedroom. .. probably the most ignored room in the house, I feel it is important to give it a day of attention. when mommy is cleaning her room the kids don't get to come in and I get a Break. They don't have to know if I take a 5 minute break to eat the chocolate hidden in my dresser
Thursday - catch up or get ahead
I don't have specific laundry to wash or a room to clean, this is my grace day... did the rest of the week not go so well?  Is this weekend going to be busy?  Use this day to accommodate the week you are having.
Friday- Fia
Wash Fia's laundry
Help her clean her room including vacuuming and washing the windows
Saturday - sheets
Wash the sheets
(Even the busiest weekend has time for washing a few dirty sheets, but I only do this on an as needed basis)

This list covers every room in the house except the ones you constantly see... so it is important to add a few daily tasks to the list. Things that need to be done at least once every day without fail (unless you want double work the next day)

My daily D's
Dishes (load the dish washer AND hand wash whatever doesn't fit or shouldn't go in it) don't skip any part of this.. it doesn't matter what time of day you do it but getting into the habit of doing it at a set time each day helps to get it done.
Dirty floors-
This is a quick pick up and either sweeping or vacuuming any room that needs it.  This is important don't overwhelm yourself. ..unless you have some medical reason for vacuuming every single day don't do it.  The point of this is to help you feel like you can stay on top of the mess, not to make your home the cleanest on the block.
Dirty counters (or tables or stands)
Clutter is not cool. Get rid of it.  You will not accomplish this on the first day so take it easy and do one space at a time. Start with the kitchen. Right after doing the dishes, it is natural to clean the counters and stove top so do a good job of it and take care of the mess. If your kitchen is like my mom's was when I was a kid you may want to tackle one counter top at a time. Each day get one clean and the next day clean the same one and one more and eventually you will have each clutter filled space taken care of and it is easy to keep up with them when you take care of it every day.
Now once you have done the daily d's you will have a pretty clean living space. If you have a relaxed weekend and got all your other chores done then use your Thursday to deep clean something.  But Don't do anything that takes longer than 15-30 minutes.  So if there is a big task break it up into smaller ones.
OK so now that I have taught you my system it is time for me to implement it...
I will be honest there has been some emotional life events that put my whole system on hold and that needs to change.... so I am starting off fresh too!
Good luck to you!

*btw the days I listed have meaning to me so to explain I will tell you what it means and you can feel free to change yours up.
Monday is the first day in the week and my oldest son's name starts with the letter closest to the beginning of the alphabet (consequently "boys" also starts with a letter close to the beginning :)
Tuesday starts with T and so does towels.
Wednesday starts with we so it makes sense to wash we's laundry that day.
Thursday didn't get a good match to anything so it was my catch up and get ahead day
Friday,  Fia is my daughters nickname and they both start with F.
Saturday starts with s.. so does sheets
Sunday is God's day. And I feel that even a mom can attempt not to work on sunday.. I cook, but I do not wash dishes or clean, it makes a little more work on monday and a little prep work on Saturday but I get a day off so I think that is ok.
I do admit that Sunday night after the kids are in bed I lesson plan for the next week of school but this doesn't take long and I am hoping to find a better day to do it on soon, for now though this works.

Good luck and God bless you on your journey towards a clean and organized life.