Mommy and Me

Mommy and Me
Sharing life with you is fullfilling

Monday, April 15, 2013

Baby bumps and Lucky kids

I have to be the slowest person on the planet to show when I'm pregnant.  I am only 12 weeks right now and don't expect my belly to advertise to the world for me yet, but seriously I guess I just have a bunch of space for these little babies to grow inside where they can surprise the world with their appearance.
The good news is that I am thin enough that when I get that baby belly you can tell it is a baby belly and not just fat... I guess if my cycles were irregular and I didn't suffer from nausea so badly I could reasonably say I had no idea I was pregnant until 6 maybe even 7 months along though!  Knowing this about myself really makes me more sympathetic to the women who don't know they are having a baby until they go into labor... My gosh wouldn't that be an incredible day?  You'd probably think you were dying, and then just when you decide it is all over and your life was fun while it lasted you find out you are having a baby... wait, now your life is over... or is it?  I mean as a mother of some amazing kids I say NO it isn't over, but can you imagine:??  A single woman, not knowing until hours or even minutes before becoming a mom.... CRAZY!

I had a literally amazing day today.. mostly the first half of it was amazing, the second half I was living off from the excitement of the first half... here is how it went...(of course I'd have to start at last night) P came home and decided he needed to finish some college work so that he could receive credit for it before midnight... that is seriously some last minute work there!  (He can be excused though, at least by me, it was after all our anniversary weekend and he had a lot going on with our family and events in our lives this week)  Anyway before he went to work he said "I'm going to try to be in bed by midnight." exact quote ok.  And of course getting home at 11:35 and proceeding to take an on-line quiz put us right at midnight, and I'm thinking "yes, bedtime before 1am!" but then he turns on Bones... we watch at least one episode a night, usually two.. he likes to relax a bit after coming home from work.  I get it, but there goes bedtime. When I ask him about it he says "what I meant was after one show."  uhuh...
One show finished and I say "bedtime?" and he says "I'm not tired yet."  I say "Ok, good night then."  I don't sleep well without him and at least like to see him when he gets home from work so that is the reason I stayed up at all... but I'm one tired preggo.... so off to bed I go. 
Of course we'd end up in a stupid argument before going to sleep and not finally climb into bed until 1:15am anyway... so much for getting to bed early!  LOL... so come morning, I didn't even so much as stir until 7am when P rolls over wakes me up.. I stumbled to the door thinking our daughter was crying and stumble back realizing she wasn't... asleep again in 15 minutes... just long enough to tell P about my stupid dream.  and again I didn't crack my eyes open until 10am!!!! WHAT!  I feel guilty that our days don't usually start until 9-9:30am but not even waking up until 10 is totally not cool!
Then is hits me... I don't feel sick.  I feel normal.  No acid, no nausea, no light-headed feeling... totally good!  I'd say I was feeling about 80% this morning, which is amazing considering most other mornings I wake up at 40% and it falls to 25% by the time I go to bed at night.
So I cautiously get up thinking surely it will hit soon.  I use the bathroom cautiously because just the act of sitting on the toilet makes me feel like hurling most days, and still nothing.  I hear P getting F ready for the day in her bedroom, and I'm thankful for his help.  Then I head to C's room which is a DISASTER... he only has books and clothes and stuffed animals and yet the room is so easily torn up.. so I tell him we'd better pick up quick so he can have breakfast.  He picks up the stuffed animals and piles his clothes (his basket has gone missing) and I take all the books off the shelf and put them back on the way they are meant to go (a four year old just has no concept of putting books on the shelf properly). And we finish and I cautiously stand, still no nausea.... weird. 
Downstairs F is eating, C is starting to eat, P is cooking me eggs and bacon and frying bread in the frying pan because he says the toaster is too slow... I still feel good.  I eat, I feel good, even though it took twice as long as it would before pregnancy to eat the small but delicious breakfast. 
Then I did something AMAZING... yes laugh if you must, but I went back upstairs and cleaned the kids/guest bathroom.  I'm talking washed the mirrors, the shelf above the sink, (even the inside of the medicine cabinet), the sink, the cupboard below the sink (where all the tooth paste is collecting), the toilet, swept the floor, took out the trash, and then MOPPED the floor... and STILL felt good... a little more tired, but good!
Then I went down stairs to talk to P about a misunderstanding between him and C, and that is when I realized that I was not done.  I mean honestly I never am, but I still had something in mind to do that I felt I could tackle.  The playroom.  I sat on the floor and organized all those bins or toys, threw out the trash that had collected there from C making dragons out of paper, toilet rolls, string.. you name it the kid can make a dragon out of it and then he doesn't want to throw it away... so I did.  Then I washed the table in there, vacuumed the floor, and set the train back up so he could use it again... and STILL felt good.. Although now I can honestly say I was back down to about 55% at this point.
I laid down on the couch feeling winded but happy with myself.  and then I got the greatest reward... Baby D started moving around.. it didn't last long but it was absolutely baby moving around.. I love it!
So why do you ask are my kids lucky?  I don't know honestly, I mean they do have tons of blessings, and a mom and dad who love them and buy ridiculous amounts of toys for them, and chose the pinewood derby over an anniversary get away, BUT my kids are lucky because while I was laying on the couch just before bedtime (this is MUCH after my cleaning spree this morning) C says in a sing songy voice "we are the luckiest kids in the world, we are C and F and we are the luckiest kids in the world." and when I tell them ten minutes later that it is bedtime they walk together up the stairs C's hand on F's shoulder and he says sweetly to her "Don't worry F we are still the luckiest kids in the world."

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Am I over it?

*** Another old post that is going out of order completely, but I really don't like to not share what I intended to share.  

"F is nearly two years old, currently crying about having been shut in her room for a nap... even though she is free to wander now.  She is an amazing little girl, and I love her to pieces... We've worked through so much together. Eczema, speech delays, a late start to walking... but she is brilliant, has an amazing smile that lights up her whole face, and a very contagious laugh.  She is compassionate, and emotional, and she is beautiful through and through.
Mommy is having a very hard time getting used to the idea that F is going to be 2 though.  I want to cry about it nearly every day.  I feel like I'm beginning to really dig into my feelings over her birth, and the trauma of the event.  Partly because I want another baby so badly. 
We lost Jaemi back in January, and it was so very hard to deal with last month as we passed the due date of that precious little baby now resting in the arms of Jesus!  So where do I go now?
I guess I'll start with the changes that we've survived.  1st, we moved across the country back in March, then we stayed 6 months in my parents house, and then less than two months ago we moved again.  P has a great job working in the same field he worked in for the US Navy, and seems to doing well there... it is great to have him doing well in his field.
As we passed Jaemi's dues date I was moving into our new house, painting four rooms four different colors, and attempting to put our family back into the routine I loved once upon a time.  I did great, well at least as far as anyone else would know.  Really, in the quiet of my bedroom where only P and I knew about it, I grieved the tiny toes I never got to kiss, the fingers I never had wrapped around mine, and the little wiggles that a new born baby does when you are trying your hardest to get them dressed and they don't know how to co-operate with you.  I was longing for the tugging feeling of a nursing infant, and the tiny fingers that dig little nails into your skin right under your arm while nursing.  I cried, I pleaded with P for another baby, and I desperately hoped each time that we had sex that he would choose not to use whatever form of prevention he decided on.
With all this longing for a baby I realize two things... 1. I'm not over it.  and 2. I'm not over it.
1. I'm not over Jaemi's lost life.  I don't feel I need to explain this after all the last paragraph went over that pretty well.
2.  I'm not over F's birth.  The more I think about having another baby the more I think about the birth of said baby.  After having a c-section most doctors will not support me in wanting a VBAC.  After fighting with my midwife for a natural birth, I don't want to fight anyone for anything... I would rather get a midwife with experience in home birth for a VBAC.  I'm pretty sick of being told by someone else what my body is capable of doing.  The problem is we just moved out to timbucktoo, and there are not many options here.  I found one midwife, and spoke to her, I'm confident that she would do a good job at a birth, but was not confident in her ability to handle an emergency given the things she says she brings with her to a birth.  This breaks my heart, because the options are so very slim... I'd much rather interview the three midwives in this area and love all of them and be faced with the problem of which one to choose.
I also don't want to admit it, but I'm scared that something bad will happen, like uterine rupture, and who ever is supposed to be caring for me wont be able to do anything about it, and we are too far from a hospital able to care for that kind of emergency... but I don't want fear to lead my decisions... I think either a home birth, or a hospital birth would be decided on out of fear though. 
If I chose to have a home birth it would be because I 1. want to have a natural birth to show even myself that God created this body of mine for the safe delivery of babies vaginally as I know it was.  and 2. I'm scared of Doctors overwhelming me and discrediting my wonderful God created body and forcing interventions I don't feel are necessary on me, and then ending with a c-section.
If I choose to have a hospital birth it would be the fear of the unknown guiding my decisions, the 'what if my uterus was stitched wrong and it explodes during birth?'....
yeah.. I guess no matter what I think about having another baby, I still have a lot to work through before I could actually birth one."

***This was another of a few posts that I wrote awhile ago and didn't post because for some reason when I edit them occasionally the whole post disappears and I only recently figured out how to amend the problem.  I have since worked through these fears, both those of home birth and those of hospital birth, and feel very confident that this baby we are now expecting is going to have a good birth.  But again, when I write these things they are meant to be published and I feel weird not publishing them when I realize they are still here, just waiting for a reader. 

11 weeks pregnant

I have been feeling like I should probably update on my pregnancy here, but I haven't really got a whole lot to say to be honest.  This baby is doing just as good a job kicking my butt as their big brother and sister did.  It must be a sign of a healthy pregnancy if I get morning sickness, as I didn't get more than a tiny bit nauseated ONE day during my miscarriage of Jaemi.
I did however get THREE glorious days of feeling good, just a bit tired, and to be honest I wasn't feeling 100%, but maybe more like 55-60%, it just felt so good to be at even that level of feeling good that I will just take it! However today and yesterday have not been so nice to me.
I look forward to the time when I can update this journal with the news that it has been WEEKS not just DAYS since I've puked.  Especially after doing so eight times yesterday, and once today. 
I think I may also be coming down with something, I only hope it is short lived and that it doesn't effect me much.  Right now I have a sore throat and the glands at the back of my neck are stiff and sore. 
I'm so not trying to be a Debbie downer here, I just don't have a lot of positive things to say  I am feeling much more calm about this pregnancy than I was with Fia's, I feel like everything is going to be ok.  I didn't have that peace about me with Fia's birth or pregnancy, I don't think I was all that calm with Caeden's either... but I was happy, and excited and felt very much like things were going how they should be.
I meet with my midwife on the 22nd, and we will get our first peak at what is going on in my womb, actually only a sound, we'll get to listen to babies heartbeat, but it is exciting all the same.  Recently a mama from a birth group I frequent said that her doctor might have hinted toward her being pregnant for twins based on heartbeat... that kinda makes me excited.  I know the likely hood is super low, but it just seems like a really crazy but like able idea... though twins would be so difficult, they would also be a challenge I'd be willing to take on.
One last bit of exciting news, I've felt this baby move just a few times, it is amazing how each of my children from the very beginning are so different!  Caeden moved in a tiny flutter at first, but then in a very rhythmic pattern.  Fia moved in constant flutters, and then later she just bounced around constantly and without any type of pattern or rhythm.  This baby though it is only starting just now to make it's presence known, but it's flutters or movements are tiny sudden and gone as soon as they arrive, more like a thump or bump than a butterfly.
I'm pretty tired, and hungry, I'm always tired, and only hungry at night, so I'm going to go take care of those problems, and get to bed.