F is nearly two years old, currently crying about having been shut in her room for a nap... even though she is free to wander now. She is an amazing little girl, and I love her to pieces... We've worked through so much together. Eczema, speech delays, a late start to walking... but she is brilliant, has an amazing smile that lights up her whole face, and a very contagious laugh. She is compassionate, and emotional, and she is beautiful through and through.
Mommy is having a very hard time getting used to the idea that F is going to be 2 though. I want to cry about it nearly every day. I feel like I'm begining to really dig into my feelings over her birth, and the trauma of the event. Partly because I want another baby so badly.
We lost Jaemi back in January, and it was so very hard to deal with last month as we passed the due date of that precious little baby now resting in the arms of Jesus! So where do I go now?
I guess I'll start with the changes that we've survived. 1st, we moved across the country back in March, then we stayed 6 months in my parents house, and then less than two months ago we moved again. P has a great job working in the same field he worked in for the US Navy, and seems to doing well there... it is great to have him doing well in his field.
As we passed Jaemi's dues date I was moving into our new house, painting four rooms four different colors, and attempting to put our family back into the routine I loved once upon a time. I did great, well at least as far as anyone else would know. Really, in the quiet of my bedroom where only P and I knew about it, I grieved the tiny toes I never got to kiss, the fingers I never had wrapped around mine, and the little wiggles that a new born baby does when you are trying your hardest to get them dressed and they don't know how to co-operate with you. I was longing for the tugging feeling of a nursing infant, and the tiny fingers that dig little nails into your skin right under your arm while nursing. I cried, I pleaded with P for another baby, and I desperately hoped each time that we had sex that he would choose not to use whatever form of prevention he decided on.
With all this longing for a baby I realize two things... 1. I'm not over it. and 2. I'm not over it.
1. I'm not over Jaemi's lost life. I don't feel I need to explain this after all the last paragraph went over that pretty well.
2. I'm not over F's birth. The more I think about having another baby the more I think about the birth of said baby. After having a c-section most doctors will not support me in wanting a VBAC. After fighting with my midwife for a natural birth, I don't want to fight anyone for anything... I would rather get a midwife with experience in home birth for a VBAC. I'm pretty sick of being told by someone else what my body is capable of doing. The problem is we just moved out to timbucktoo, and there are not many options here. I found one midwife, and spoke to her, I'm confident that she would do a good job at a birth, but was not confident in her ability to handle an emergency given the things she says she brings with her to a birth. This breaks my heart, because the options are so very slim... I'd much rather interview the three midwives in this area and love all of them and be faced with the problem of which one to choose.
I also don't want to admit it, but I'm scared that something bad will happen, like uterine rupture, and who ever is supposed to be caring for me wont be able to do anything about it, and we are too far from a hospital able to care for that kind of emergency... but I don't want fear to lead my decisions... I think either a home birth, or a hospital birth would be decided on out of fear though.
If I chose to have a home birth it would be because I 1. want to have a natural birth to show even myself that God created this body of mine for the safe delivery of babies vaginally as I know it was. and 2. I'm scared of Doctors overwhelming me and discrediting my wonderful God created body and forcing interventions I don't feel are necessary on me, and then ending with a c-section.
If I choose to have a hospital birth it would be the fear of the unknown guiding my decisions, the 'what if my uterus was stiched wrong and it explodes during birth?'....
yeah.. I guess no matter what I think about having another baby, I still have a lot to work through before I could actually birth one.